How To Buy A Condom
a guide for social rejects
First, a Little Introduction
Ok… the first question I expect from you is “Why are you doing this?” Simply put, it’s funny… or more precisely, I think I can make it funny. So don’t take anything here seriously, just sit back and enjoy it.
Also, I decided to do this instead of my Economics reading, programming homework, english reading, systems analysis and design homework…. what? me procrastinate?
[Ok - just one serious note: Condoms are good. They prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases (STD's), and other bad things (assuming you use them of course). Be safe and all that.]
Now everyone knows that the proper word for condoms are prophylactics, but we call them condoms… know why? Because “prophylactic” sounds pretty whoosy. CON-DOM sounds a lot better, like a truck tire…. CON-DOM (that was paraphrased from someone’s stand-up act).
Who this is aimed at
This is aimed at any pimply-faced teenager that has ever had the chance of actually having sex (with another real person) slip away because they could not face actually buying those pesky little condoms. The kind of person who turns red with embarassment at the mere mention of the word “condom“. Also, anyone who has wondered exactly how the best way to buy that embarassing little package is.
- Know where you are going to get them. I think the best place to go is a Pharma-save, London Drugs, or any drug-store like place. If you have friends that work there… maybe consider traveling to another town, or a different store. If the drug-store is in a mall, make sure there is parking close by, and if possible, pick one with an outside entrace (ei: you don’t have to walk through the mall to get to it).
- Dress appropriatly. The name of the game here is not making an impression. You want to be un-noticable, but not noticable in your un-noticability. Don’t go in with a trench coat and fake mustache, and don’t go in in speedos! Dress appropriatly for the weather too… as you will see later on a jacket may be nessicary. (The jacket can be a simple leather or bomber — nothing too big or small.) Maybe consider putting off the sex until winter.
- Pick up something else. Now this is not to try to get the check-out person to not see the condoms, but to hide your purchase from other customers. Nothing too big, nothing too small. Try a box of Q-Tips or a magazine (not a porno-mag though).
- Know the location. Once you enter the store, walk casually around until you find where the condoms are. These days that section is generally called “Family Planning” When you pass it, don’t attract attention to the fact you are passing it! Many people think that you should make some sort of gesture to indicate that you are repulsed by what you see. Not so!Keep your head forward, and quickly scan the display. You want to pick out the package you want now. The last thing you want is to be seen sitting there like a dork staring at the condom display. Since you are obviously embarassed by looking at it, you will have your hands in your pockets. And how do you think it looks to see someone staring at a condom display with his hands down his pants?But What if I can’t find them?
This can be a dilema. In small stores, important items (to us anyway) can be hidden away, or even not sold at all. In big stores, you can only go through a certain amount of floor space before your courage runs out. More often than not, though, they are in such a location in the store that simply makes them hard to find.
Now the big descision is do I ask. Do you have the balls (pun intended) to go up to the counter and ask: “Excuse me, where are the condoms?” I mean, you know that everyone in the store is going to hear, and then stare at you until you leave. And what about the person you ask? Can you ask some old lady that looks like your granny? Basically you are saying to them:
I am going to have sex with someone. Please tell me where the latex devices that keep my sperm in check are.
The ones among you who don’t care would simply walk up to the little old lady, lean on the counter, look her right in the eye and say “I’m getting me some tonight — where’s the condoms?” (yea, right!).
I guess the only way to do it is just walk up to the pharmacy counter (they are normally hidden away a little, but there are generally more old people hanging around there. Wait until the pharmasist comes over, and ask. Don’t scream from accross the room, wait until they come to you.
- Make the pickup. You know where the condom rack is, but don’t make it obvious that you are heading there. Just “head down that isle.” Stop at the display, pick up a package, and continue on. Don’t spend too much (if any) time comparing prices or brands… that just gives people more of a chance to laugh.Once you have the package in your hot and sweaty little hands, put it un-obtrusivly behind the other item you have picked up (from step 3). Don’t hide it per-se, but just happen to walk with the condoms behind the other item.
- Go to the check out. Just in case you were feeling lucky, there is a huge line-up at the check out counter. Stand tall, head up, but don’t look at anyone in the eye. Try your best to control your sweating (another reason for the jacket). The best position is with your hands clasped in front of you. Standing like this you present the appearance of a presentable person, and the condom package is hidden between your body and your other package.
- Pay. Make sure beforehand that you have enough money. The last thing you want to do is to have to say to the check out person “could you hold these for me while I go to the bank machine?”Now although you may think that the check out person will cause trouble — generally they don’t. Unless you make it. Don’t squabble about the price, or try to use a max-ed out credit card. Just hand him/her the condoms and other package, when they tell you how much you owe, give them the money. No trying to be helpful and giving extra change, and don’t sit there for ages pulling change out of your pocket! Just hand a bill over that is big enough to cover the price, and take your change (forgetting your change will cause them to call you back, and everyone will laugh at the guy who bought the condoms who forgot his change.
- Take the package. 99.9% of the time when you get your purchases from the check out person it will be bagged. If for some reason it isn’t, don’t complain — remember, subility is the key.
Walk away at a normal pace.If you got the condoms in a bag, make sure the label is not pressing against the thin plastic. There is nothing like walking through the mall with “SHEIK” tatooed to your plastic bag. The bag can actaully be put in your jacket too.
If there was no bag, zip up the bottom of your jacket, and then place the purchases in there carefully. Having a box of condoms fall out in front of a pretty girl from school that recognizes you is not good.
- Escape. Like you were being chased by an angry group of fathers who were not only bikers, but had also caught you in their daughters bedroom (which could be what you are hoping for, seeing as you are buying condoms). When you are out of the building, jog at a good clip to your car. Don’t look back.