$self->{$DBfieldconv{$_}} = %{$hashref{$_}}; Dear Gh0d, what have I done... * shodan renames Swip.pm to Confusion.pm (You are in a maze of twisty little packages and subroutines, all alike) % * shodan controls the banking industry. . o O (Perhaps I've said too much...) % EAT SPRINGTIME-FRESH(tm) DEATH, EVIL LAUNDRY!! % Hmm, seem to have lost my mouth in there somewhere. % I kind of like the the 'submit' button on altavista. It gives me shivers. % God, I've got perl on the brain. It's like water, only thicker and denser. % "'Advanced Perl Programming' is a welcome mat on the Dark Path(tm)" --Phil Rhinelander % "Don't get me wrong. I'm all for the clubbing of baby harp seals, but..." --Phil Rhinelander % * phil summons a woodchuck. Hmmm.. brings back memories % * AB just got invited to a "house party" from an alt.swingers participant. This was apparently brought about by the fact that I'm the only abuse guy to ever respond to any of his spam complaints. ...basically he's saying "I'm so happy with the fact that you responded to my email that I'd like you to come to my house and have sex with total strangers." * AB notes that this was never mentioned as one of the Official Perks in the Abuse Guy job description. % * AB suffers a brief flash of paranoid insight as he realizes that all these "COPS!" and "Wildest Police Videos!" shows are designed to groom the complacent masses into accepting the yoke of the eventual world- wide police state. * AB goes back to reading "Stormbringer." * shodan peers suspicously at AB. . o O (He knows too much. *sigh*) * shodan picks up a phone and dials a 15-digit number. "It's shodan. Accelerate Plan Jackboot." % phrog: D'you know anything about JavaPerl? As in how they combine the two? Colin: Well. Imagine that Java is a dainty, well-dressed Victorian lady. And Perl is a big, grimy 10th century viking with a hard-on. JavaPerl is like a small room with a bed. % I think NT is the greatest thing since the Amiga. I get a hard on just logging in, and it takes so long to boot I can usually finish before the start bar shows up! % "Nothing gets me all moist and runny quite like the feeling of being at the gynecologist with a pair of cold, metal spreaders lodged in my privates." --AB, contemplating the probable response of the average female to an email advertising medical sex toys % "You must be smarter than ->|<- this stick to ride the Internet" % I wanna be a cult leader when I grow up. That would just kick ass. [Later...] I wonder how you get started as a cult leader. I mean, is there a trade school? Messiah Learning Center, Inc? % So is Chad completely gone now? No. There's still a slight stain. % * sitz enters the octopus % My Perl Sense(tm) is tingling... Somewhere out there, there's an uninitialized variable being used in a system call! To the Perl- Mobile! % Oh my god. That thing's enormous. % * shodan eyes TMP's index.cgi::displayTaskTable() warily * shodan eyes Interface.pm * shodan makes "go together" motions with his hands, to no avail. % Sigh, gotta love how some newagers will grab the leg of whatever preliminary research is out there and hump it until they spurt fad diets and other cosmic debris all over your fresh, clean slacks. --Popess Lilith von Fraumench % * phrog 's head explodes kick ass I mean that in a good way % My sheep stopped bouncing! % * AB blinks at a fax he just received "The Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section of the Department of Justice invites you to a gala holiday party!" That just seems wrong somehow. % * AB grimaces at an email from his m0m where she repeatedly uses "there" for "their". . o O (my flanking technique is working) % * sitz meets the Electric Tongue % maybe dogs'll fly outta my butt and whistle "Bohemian Rhapsody" % * siva readies the dns-fascist-bitchslap-of-doom % * shodan suddenly finds himself in his own rectum. % AB: I sent you a nastygram a bit ago One of your dialup lusers forged a mailbomb from rickeymartin.com. We'll take the brillo pads and the table salt to him. Umm. Sony are asking for maybe the anally inserted cattle prod. We can do that too. We're flexible. That's what I like about you guys. No reaming is too great or too small for Abuse Central % Just found out that the reason they didn't upgrade this ISDN line here to voice+data is because "we're out of trunks". Uh oh. Nothing worse than half-naked telco employees % I name each of my fuckstains. % I'm a secret dork. % What the fucking fuck? * toadkillr hands shrew a thesaurus % . o O (This completes the meri bathing update.) % * UsagiJer gets beat about the head and neck by a large pair of breasts % * sitzkrieg neatly sidesteps a fecal conversation. % * shodan gets completely mis-delivered, non-spam mail . o O (Excellent.) * AB initiates Phase II . o O ( Phase II: The Next Phase ) . o O ( Rated R ) . o O (Phase III: I Know What You Did During The Preceeding Phase) . o O ( Coming soon to a project timeline near you ) % Only in the rec.roller-coaster newsgroup can you see subject lines like "Is Six Flags Magic Mountain getting a big woodie next year?" % so... shodan age/sex/location..... 23/M/RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!1! % AB: when do the evil KISS robots show up? Soon as Anthony Zerbe shows up. * AB deftly lobs Nyarla's obscure reference back at her. % Weird. I enter "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" into google and page number one is "Hello. This is a guide on installing Linux Debian on a Toshiba 4000CDT. There are two mistakes..." % What the hell kind of ride is that? "OH, OH, I want to go on the Vaginal Ripper, PLEASE, I just HAVE to go on the Vaginal Ripper!" % It's like a six foot long industrial vibrator with a gasoline engine. % Anyone got a spare white virgin goat born at midnight on a night of full moon? Or are there other ways I can get an Sun E4000 with Ultra SCSI 2 cards to see high luns (>7)? % You'd think with all the ex-cons in this company we'd have at least one car thief... % You're just jealous because I said "graepnel." % Well, I think I can lend some authority, having attended [Hampton College], the veritable source of Jaguar-driving proletariat. [Later...] Nothing like a little activism to scam on chicks. % I'm much better at long winded ranting without consistency or focus % Hmmm. Men with hardhats are lining up outside my house. If they start singing "Y.M.C.A.," I'm getting my gun. % do you mind if I fetish-hop? % * Murple goes insane reading zone files * Murple tries to figure out how long he's been awake * Murple manually goes thru every zone file for 2 class b's line by line 208.58.1.2.208.rcn.net.com.244.0.32.net.kill.208.59.slay. 3.0.1.postal.207.172.25.die... * Murple highly advises all coworkers to avoid frogpit at all costs % Sorry. It wasn't an actual vibrator. % * andrewh wonders if putting the image of a cross on your webpage will keep away the vampires that browse to it % I obviously need a new octopus. % $ABUSE Microsoft with $VAGUELY_PHALLIC_OBJECT and $CORROSIVE_SUBSTANCE % * sitzkrieg hands AB a cane. Here ya go, old man. * AB grabs the syn lube and applies it to the cane * AB chases after sitz ! . o O ( this may have been strategically inadvisable. ) % New Soylent Clear(tm)! Because People Are Bad For You(tm)! % NOBODY HAS ANY PROOF OF ME WANKING IN MY OFFICE % * Synergist ponders how eels have sex % It's for my upcoming pr0n movie: "Fat Guys with Little Dicks" % didnt you ever wanna know what happened to the Mutant Babies(tm) when they grew up? I remind you that I lived in Louisiana % * scottm tests to see if his machine will explode again. *** scottm has quit IRC (Ping timeout) % Cats, sex, and Nazis. That's why they call me Mr. Happy. % Let Jake lick it! % however, pissy nuns? we're all hooked up. % great, god spam, just what I need. how the hell did god get your email address? God is Omniscient. Duh. god may be, but his minions Caleb & Etta Joyfull from freegifts@gohip.com are going to pay % . o O ("It's you and your team against the evil forces of the Dingleberries!") % * ducky argues with the TNT YOUR MOTHER WAS A SLIP CONNECTION YOU ANALOG WANNABE! % Man, my ass is gonna HATE me in the morning. % You want half my boobs? % * ducky -> spg.va -> bank -> 3rd world country without extradition laws. % * wilhelm feels himself become a homosexual because of internet exposure to scromp. % According to the height/weight chart of the doctor's wall, I should be 6'2. According to the same chart, I should be 12'7" % AMD has officially announced the 760 DDR chipset supports 266 MHz FSB Athlons MAN WAS NOT MEANT TO COMPUTE AT SUCH SPEED! THE MADMEN! THEY WILL DOOM US ALL! % * ducky prepares to waid through the filesystems ducky How can you misspell "wade"? easilt % Congress Adds 'All Your Base Are Belong To Us' Amendment To Bankruptcy Bill WASHINGTON, DC-- Seeking to increase fiscal accountability among citizens who have no chance to survive make their time, the House of Representatives added an "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" amendment Monday to H.R. 333, the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2001. "What you say!!!" shouted the bill's sponsor, Rep. George Gekas (R-PA), following the amendment's approval. "This bill will not only make debt-ridden Americans more accountable, but it has the added benefit of taking off every 'zig' for great justice." Opponents of the amendment protested that it would potentially set up U.S. the bomb. --The Onion, 3/21/01 % "You can't rush the kind of cool *we* are." --Erekosë, Evil Abuse Minion #5 % Where were you on the night of Feburary 30th? * AB activates the single lightbulb hanging down over kregars' head * AB grfs as he discovers that his evil henchmen misinterpreted his instructions and have placed a single, fuschia-colored, 40-watt bulb in the socket. * AB continues on gamely and attempts to grill his suspect by inflicting pastel on him. TELL ME! Or I'll replace this bulb with something in a mauve or teal! rofl % * shodan peers at the "Weather for active lives" banner * shodan needs "Weather for inactive lives" . o O ( This week's forecast of shodan's apartment: Mon: 71F Tue: 71F Wed: 71F Thurs: 71F Fri: 71F ) % Years ago, on a late-night talk show, [William] Shatner told a story about taking his kids trick-or-treating. Naturally, he dressed in costume, donning not one but *two* Kirk masks. "They'd open the door, and there I was," Shatner said. "I'd take off the first mask, and it was Captain Kirk! And I'd take off the second mask -- and it was Captain Kirk!" Somewhere within this joke lies the meaning of Shatner. --Washington Post, 4/9/2001 % [William Shatner] is the man, after all, who built a career treating sentences like Slinkys, or wrapping them around sticks of linguistic dynamite. He blasts through punctuation that would stop mere mortals. --Washington Post, 4/9/2001 % *** vision (krizzo@ken.rizzo.k.subnet.rcn.com) has joined #commies speak of the devil for the last time... I am NOT the devil % If you have trouble getting laid, you have no business looking down on someone based on their choice of operating system. % AB: Virtual particles are particles that spring into existence from nothingness, in direct violation of the law of conservation of mass/energy. But they exist for such a brief period of time that, essentially, they disappear before the Universe notices. Erekosë: I find that somewhat comforting, really. I like knowing that I live in a forgiving and slightly confused Universe. % "On the one hand, it's just another way to jerk off. But then again, it's some guy's dick in your mouth." --Veteran porn star Ron "Hedgehog" Jeremy, on his ability to fellate himself % nice. The AMD Spitfire will debut at the end of the month. Thunderbird will debut next month. Thunderbird Red? Or Thunderbird Black? ? ... . o O (Note to self: Take next opportunity to educate arcas about cheap U.S. wine.) heh * AB hands arcas a bottle of Thunderbird Red. * AB hands arcas a bottle of Thunderbird Black. * AB hands arcas a bottle of Night Train Express. (Serve very cold) * AB hands arcas a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 * pir hands arcas a bottle of paint thinner - it tastes better Better for you, too, no doubt. % * shmit hands badmonkey another beer beer #1 is coming in 2 hours Don't leave a tip % "One of your members has posted a major spoiler-filled message to the alt.tv.star-trek.voyager newsgroup. It has seriously ruined the enjoyment of the show for many of us who don't want to know details about upcoming episodes. Please remove this message from the news servers (if possible) or, if that is not possible, carry out the fullest amount of discipline against this person that you can. He is making it impossible for us to enjoy the show." --Actual complaint received by abuse@rcn.com, 4/12/2000 % "McViking, with bacon" now at McDonalds * susan pukes in the teapot ... McViking? Whazzat? I saw a McD commercial. It's their new "theme burger". Another Good Reason Not To Live In Europe susan: Yes yes, but what's ON the McViking? AB: I don't know! It's got bacon on it, that's all I know! * AB attempts to figure out where the "Viking<->Bacon" connection resides. AB: It's not the bacon. It's the Leif lettuce. % 666: OK, I've seen you rag on C++, Perl, Python (IIRC), and now Java. Is there any language you *do* actually *like*? C? you mean you havn't seen his tcl rant ? Smalltalk. 666: Lisp? Slarti: If 666 actually liked something, he wouldn't be 666. =) Forth is good, for its appropriate area of applicability. AB is just bitter. AB: haha AB isn't the one constantly bitching about stuff in this channel. =) % You can't get good minions these days. AB has them all. % Nederlanders ? Yep, All of them. Clog-wearing, tulip-sniffing perverts. All of them. And they're all anxious to put random bodyparts into the dykes. % I need to look up the concealed weapons laws in Mass, to see if a double-ended dildo can be concealed legally. Imagine trying to mug someone and having your victim whip that out and beat you unconscious with it. . o O ( Yeah, just look for the guy with the dick-shaped welts about the face and neck. He's the mugger. ) % and you want to capitalize the first letter of every work? er, eword? CRAPO FUCKNIG HANDS * siva strangles himself % "Dr. Alex Comfort, author of 'The Joy of Sex' has died, after a series of strokes. --The Times, 3/28/00 % * Helios gets russian spam (in both koi8 and ascii) to elias@i.am I find the name "KOI-8" tremendously funny. It sounds like a killer cyborg carp. "Don't worry, Doctor Evil, the fishpond that Austin Powers is standing in is stocked with KOI-8... even now they are mouthing viciously at his legs!" % I've been here less than an hour and I'm already feeling like pummelling someone. You say that as though it were a bad thing. Well, that's usually something that doesn't kick in until later in the week. First thing monday morning is unusual. And I have no real reason either. I just feel like hitting something. ... * AB hires scottm Heh. * AB channels scottm's destructive impulses into an Awesome Force for Good(tm) % (AB deserves to get paid more than me; I just deal with machines, he deals with lusers) fnord: I deal with suits, too. * AB selects "Speaker to Morons" as his Kzinti name. % Frisbee Rules: Rule #1: At any Frisbee competition, there will always be at least one person who will come up to you an inform you that a Frisbee would make a really cool weapon if you could somehow line the edge with razor blades. Rule #2: The attractive force between a Frisbee and the precise geometrical center of the underside of an automobile is the strongest known force in the universe. This force is termed 'Car Suck.' % Motherfuckin' triple-${DIETY}-damned cum-guzzling gutter- swine! Bugger our Web-design conslutants with a diamond-blade-coated replica of the Eiffel Tower slathered with mustard and vinegar! * AB hands Slarti a Thanks. % * AB gets a spam which consists of a grovelling and abject apology. Essentially, "One of our employees spammed. We've killed him and sold his body to hog farmers. Please, dear god, believe us when we say that we had nothing to do with it." "However, we have one small favor to ask. We realize that we are bugs beneath your...NO! LESS THAN BUGS! WE ARE AS MICROBES CRAWLING ON THE HINDQUARTERS OF MAGGOTS! But we nevertheless beseech you to help us clear the errant email addresses out of our database. We used an automated process, and darned if we know which of these addresses are supposed to be here and which aren't." "So if you could kindly send us an email asking to be removed, we'll remove you. Oh, and you might wanna visit our website while you're at it to see what it is we do." * AB suspects a trap, frankly % susan: what is the swedish word for "bassoon"? % "Do you like low pitched instruments? Is the upper end of the bass clef just a bit *too high* for your taste? Are you fascinated by musical instruments that register on seismographs? READ ON!" --www.contrabass.com % * scromp is late * AB recommends a good OB-GYN doctor % * Nicolai invokes AB [several hours pass] INVOKE_ACK it took my invocation this long to happen ? Sorry. Been travelling the planes. Invocation reception tends to break up on the Astral. % 666 stated he had helped someone on the phone who had never used an internet link or email before, and required explanation of the @ sign before knowing what it was the person is from louisiana * Nicolai does find it hard to believe someone has not heard of the @ sign and doesn't know what it is, either from accountancy and commerce, or The Web. If I recall, 666 is in Houston, which means that this individual was most likely in Southwest Louisiana. In which case, I'm surprised they knew how to operate a phone. % * madwolf chuckles at some train delay excuses. "This train is delayed as the guard has been taken away by the police. We hope to find you another one in half an hour." ha haha *** madwolf is now known as | <|> We wish to apologise most sincerely to the passengers who have <|> recently arrived on the Royal Highlander from Inverness. Your <|> train was delayed for several hours due to a locomotive failure <|> near Drumochter. Then the overhead wires came down near Wigan, <|> so your train was diverted via Manchester. A passenger was taken <|> ill, causing the train to have to wait for an ambulance to arrive <|> at Stockport. Finally, you were diverted via Northmpton, due to <|> signalling equipment failure south of Rugby! *** | is now known as madwolf good old Brutish Snail % Bah! Luser salesweasel! Warning! Tautology detected! No information contained in word "luser" that is not already contained in word "salesweasel"! % "All LARPers should be lined up on a beach and machine-gunned into a receding tide." --Some guy on the Deadlands Mailing List % AUGH ! Lucy pull the football away again at the last second? % IDGI. We can't use $OTHERBRANCH for our offsite backups, because they don't have a disaster recovery plan. If they have a disaster and lose our backups, why would we care if *their* stuff was backed up offsite or not? % I don't care if it can reproduce sound well enough for dolphins to talk to each other through it, if you can't grep it it's evil. % [scromp gives his opinion of AB] you're like a weird internet cross between mother theresa, dj jazzy jeff, and joe friday. % let it be known that I hereby hate all you fbsd zealots. I'm to the point that installing Linux on a box feels like a compromise. % http://www.suntimes.com/ebert/ebert_reviews/1999/05/052104.html The first two paragaphs, particularly. omg, that movie * siva nearly clawed his own eyes out wouldn't just walking out of the theater be easier? % "Chicken Soup for Dummies -- Inane homiles for the rest of us." % "That virus could have been written as an executable or on any platform or in a nonscripting language. Just because this virus was written in a scripting language, and we happen to support scripting in our operating system, doesn't make it a security issue." --Microsoft, commenting on the "I Love You" virus % A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? --Tom Galloway (allegedly) % Argh. That *sucked* Don't do that, then. % so like, i noticed that r0x0r.com was available on the 5th. Went to register it on the 6th and somebody else had already taken it. * zork sobs. i wanted to have b00bs.r0x0r.com % ATI has announced that they are unable to create Win2K drivers for their Rage Fury Maxx video cards ... "ATI sincerely apologizes for promising a driver to you and then being unable to complete it. This was an unforeseen technical issue..." "We're just morons and can't seem to figure it out." AB: that about sums it up. "All of our development time goes into producing new products to stay ahead of the 10-day obsolescence curve of video cards. Consequently, we are unable to devote any time or effort into actually supporting these products." % gawd. gordon matzigkeit is a madman. Whodat? he is fourth on the list of top free software contributors, right under: FSF, Sun, and Berkeley. http://orbiten.org/ofss/codd- render.cgi?action=author&key=5195 <-- lists all the projects he has worked on I had never heard of him either but I seem to use a dickload of his code Would that be a metric dickload or an Imperial dickload? I'll take one of each. % *** AB changes topic to ' NOBODY HAS ANY PROOF OF ME WANKING IN MY OFFICE' where did that come from? siva, natch. and is siva under suspicion of having been wanking in his office? :> Just savor the out-of-context-ness. % I'm obviously not doing enough hard drugs % * Pixel hands madwolf some CCCB the chocolate is a bit soft, but the coffee bean is hard. *crunch* ... . o O (* madwolf sits on a bench along a busy London street) . o O (* Pixel walks up and sits down next to him) . o O ( the chocolate is a bit soft, but the coffee bean is hard.) . o O ( The moon rises twice over Copenhagen) . o O ( Matchsticks have red heads) . o O (* madwolf surreptitiously slides a valise over to Pixel, then gets up and walks off) CC|N>K % This one was so rich, I just had to share. >> ----- Transcript of session follows ----- >> ... while talking to edison.ebicom.net.: >> >>> MAIL From: >> <<< 550 Mail from 216.131.4.12 refused - open relay. CONSULT >> YOUR MAILSERVER ADMIN. See http://www.orbs.org/ >> 554 ... Service unavailable 216.131.4.12, interestingly enough, is not rootsweb.com. It is NS1.EBICom.Net. In other words, their primary MX blocks all mail from their secondary MX. % if there are plushies there I'm leaving. Cerulean. wopr, cerulean plushies? Cerulean. wopr, cerulean plushies? Cerulean. . o O (This could go on for days.) [Ed. Note: wopr is a Markov bot.] % JESUS! I have a .uk petrol receipt with 'Have a good day - Y'all come back soon!' printed on it * Cheesy strangles Esso in Manchester % * sitzkrieg watches /bin/sh dump core. . o O ( that just *can't* be good ) % * zork writes a script to tell him how much his stock is worth. how are you getting around the 'division by zero' errors? % *** Now talking in #commies *** Topic is ' then, you can install mysql in your underwear.' *** Set by sitzkrieg on Wed Apr 05 18:21:43 ... * AB wonders why someone would want mysql in their underwear % Subject: Re: Girl Talk about Penii ! A thread that has spawned all *kinds* of oversharing, I assure you. % are you getting bogged down anywhere in particular, or you just looking for a crob sheet? :) a crib sheer, rather./ ! * sitzkrieg unties his fingers. % Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. % Windoze turning back into the virus it is? :) it stopped being such at some point? Well, it has it's intermittent periods of 'stability' when it goes into 'stealth mode' that's just when its saving up for something really horrid :) % mmmm. pizza fax me a slice haha . o O ( hey, this tastes like paper and toner! ptui! ) % whomever thought that the block-like, very WIRED like font for 'get wired' on the INTRANET should be given a new collection of fonts. and a boot to the head. er. thot that it was a good idea. <-- not capable of stringing ideas together to form cogent sentences yet. % "At the Movies: Jennifer Love Hewitt as Audrey Hepburn in I KNOW WHAT YOU ATE FOR BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S" --Some random website, somewhere on the Net % * Prowler discovers why his cron backup wasn't running broken tab entry? I'm a tard mostly. thats a given % * KaptnJack is scared to leave his office as everytime he's done it he's been kidnapped by HHC type people. must kill mooney and mcormick yup . o O ( Our mail is not getting through! That's cause your internal mail server is down Fix it! That's what your LAN staff is for!) % * Bastardo imagines he can fly naked into the sunlit sky and dive and roll through puffy clouds... ! tell ya what, how about maybe a loincloth. ITS MY FANTASY BITCH!! YOU GET PAID! I GOT CASH!!! * Bastardo suddenly realizes where he is uh .... nevermind that.. * caz backs up. * Bastardo strokes caz lovingly BAD TOUCH sorry i was in nam... % * Bastardo is not misunderstood he's just st00pid % eat the vegitarians, they taste good nah. we're too stringy. 'sides, you don't know where I've been. % i tell you... if cows had opposable thumbs we'd be in trouble then again with the amount of methane cows spew out if you added an opposable thumb, you'd have Synergist % Words Which Do Not Inspire Confidence When Uttered By Your Doctor: "I have no idea what that is." "uh oh" "now where'd i put that sponge" "If this is my thermometer, where'd I put my pen?" % thinking up witty quips while tearing people asunder just isnt my style... % . o O ( something about nipple clamps and a traffic cone? ) you guys know how to party. % *** sitzkrieg is now known as | <|> Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 23:37:14 -0400 <|> From: renewals@erols.com <|> To: webmaster@erols.com <|> Subject: Expiration Notice <|> <|> Userid: webmaster <|> <|> EROLS WEBMASTER <|> 7921 Woodruff Ct <|> Springfield, VA 22151 <|> <|> ACT NOW - RENEW YOUR STARPOWER ACCOUNT TODAY !!! *** | is now known as sitzkrieg <-- DYING % * jzp has had quite bizarre net.friendships over the years, what with periodically renouncing them all as conspiracy AI proggies. % <\> heh <\> hey i like this nick it likes you too, \ <\> lol i keep trying to figure out what you're escaping. Certain death? % * AB recommends the butter chicken. * shodan reads butter as bitter . o O ( Fine, EAT ME! ) % . o O ( I felt the presence of Shodan ) . o O (Ew.) . o O ( s/(felt|presence)/"$1"/g ) % * Nyarla blinks at the backscroll and shakes her head heh (and they think *I'm* strange...) we've got a pretty good idea about it, actually. * Nyarla glares at sitz % Gah * AB is kl33ning out his hard drive . o O ( With a Q-Tip and rubbing alcohol. ) % * sitzkrieg is 404'ing all over the place. * AB hands sitz a towel and some wetnaps. % * AB !s as he runs across some gay pr0n that his wife apparently downloaded to his computer at some unspecified point in the past. Oh sure. Blame it on the wife. * AB expected that =) Fairly predictable. * AB knew he couldn't type out "I naturally expect cries of 'Sure. Uh-huh.'" before someone actually typed out 'Sure. Uh-huh.' % What's the last name of the guy who wrote sendmail? Eric...? * AB draws a blank Cartman. % know of any good abuse people who want to move to LA? ! * AB throws a tarp over his Minions. "Why...no! Darn the luck!" % You know, I find it amusing that Eric Allman and Co. are producing a product named "Sendmail Switch" % * AB is SO glad he groks the basics of the Windows Registry. . o O (Pray for me.) % KILL! DEATH! ! Okay! * shodan kills sitz hrm. * sitzkrieg should have been a *touch* more specific. % My pants, my god, where are my pants?!?!?! % [snip discussion of yellow hanky in the back pocket] justin: search on "hanky code" sitz: No thanks, I am happy in my ignorance. * sitzkrieg grabs the phirehose of knowledge and takes careful aim at justin. % I have been better about avoiding legal confrontations lately Its just harder to stand out as a freak in california than it is in virginia % I think when straight gin tastes like water its time to stop % * AB wants to see Dick Vitale announce a golf game. . o O ("BIRDIE PUTT! AWESOME, BABY!") * AB notes that, of course, the previous joke fails somewhat if you don't know who Dick Vitale is. % * Nyarla hands shodan a Herodotus instead What's that, some kind of plant? It's a POISONOUS SNAKE!!!! LOOK OUT!!!! ! * shodan runs away * AB succeeds in amusing himself % so the DDS2 tape drive that i found in the dumpster at work last night appears to function Of course it does. How else could They(tm) monitor your computer activities? % . o O ( I AM THE GREAT GOTHHOLIO! GIVE ME CLOVES FOR MY BUNGHOLE! ) % heated seats rule in the winter and they're fun to turn on with unsuspecting pasengers who get uncomfortable and wonder why their butt is warm. % and did you notify a supervisor and larry? amil went otu to RCCN NOC didnt know i had to tell larry umm a mail went out to RCN NOC . o O (IÄ! AMIL OTU RCCN NOC CTHULHU FHTAGN! IÄ!) * scottly laughs at AB % * scottly remembers the it lan d00d last week it lan d00d poured a pixy stick in a cup and was dipping a blow pop into the extra sugar holy shit. yipe! that's, um, excessive just a bit almost as funny as curly trying to shotgun a pixy stix still, not as funny as shrew getting duct-taped to his chair.. =) % * AB drinks one of those "Guiness Pub Draught" beers, with the nitrogen cannister in the bottom of the can. * AB wonders what Budweiser would taste like with one of those... . o O (Like shit, still, I should think.) % * AB casts EAM#1 out for her rank heresy. * Nyarla is already an outcast ;) * AB casts EAM#1 out so far she finds herself back in again, mingling with soccermoms in suburbia. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! * Nyarla slits her wrists % moyet: My back hurts. AB: That's 'cause you have huge tits. % * moyet wants to show off her breasts to nanae. % . o O ( Pardon me. Let me just remove my breast from your beer. ) nono, leave the breast in % * Nyarla wonders if it's a Poor Career Move (tm) to hit on a cute FBI chix0r % [snip discussion of the various federal agencies Abuse Central deals with on a daily basis] * Nyarla is suddenly boggled to realize how many spooks she's on a first-name basis with % "A bottle of Jim Beam, this baby, and a cron job, and I'm set for the night!" --Unknown admin at Hawaii Online, after getting his first vibrating pager % * AB plots to have Elian Gonzalez shot and killed just to get him off the news. % "Two more days of Elian Gonzalez and I'M moving to Cuba." --Dennis Miller % is shave ice similar to jersey shore "frozen ice" ? (what a dumb name that is...) "Jer, want a frozen ice?" "is there another kind?" % * AB hands jer a big cup of Ice 9 * UsagiJer spills it down the sink oop.. that won't cause a mess in the water treatment system, will it? ! % * Nyarla ponders pouring some chartreuse into her mitsuya cider . o 0(nyarla's gonna pour a color into her cider... and drink it presumably... hrm..) naked: the color was named for the drink. sure it was http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?db=*&term= chartreuse chartreuse adj : having the yellowish green color of Chartreuse liqueur (named for the monks who produce it, etc. much beloved by pretentious goffs.) it's a TRAP! i don't believe you in the 3.498729 seconds it took me to respond to nyarla, you called someone and had them change that dictionary page you're conspiring against me it's a LIE! * meri nods. we hacked dictionary.com heh and all the other dictionary and encyclopedia sites. you don't need to hack it if you know the owners you all are connected you've stumbled upon the world-wide chartreuse conspiracy. % convo seems to have died off * u-steve holds convo in arms and cries "WHY?!?! GHOD, OH WHY?!?!" % (my last exposure to Richard Marx was circa, um, evil earworm alert, that "hold on to the night" song that was big in the late 80's... * Nyarla casts about for a replacement earworm * meri hands Nyarla some Air Supply. * meri . o O { I'm all out of love / I'm so lost without you .... } * Nyarla runs away screaming % i have a zippo. * Nyarla has one too... i almost typed " i have a hippo" which is a far different thing. % www.dokimos.org/ajff * meri shoots naked. * Nyarla props naked up and shoots him again oh good. it's best to be sure with these things. % Oh shit this is sunday surprise? yea, I thought it was monday no wonder traffic was so light % This is going to take about an hour fscking? yea I have it set to fsck every time it boots and it takes a LONG ASS FUCKING time to fsck that box lotta drive space to fsck.. heh "Box, I'm gonna _fsck_ ya. AN' I'm gonna fsck ya _sloooooow......_" * kurt offers a fresh, new, virginal hard drive to Leviathan for his fscking pleasure. % It's friday the 13th a friend's black cat chose today to escape he'll be busy today % (and outside of academe, non-medical folks insisting on being called "Dr." really annoys the fuck out of me...) What about professional wrestlers? % my cat's breath smells like cat food Nyarla: you prefer your cat's breath smelled like human flesh? kurt: Don't ask. * Nyarla koffs kurt: The less you know, the better. % (imdb sez about soylent green: if you like this title we also recommend "L.A. Confidential" ! ) ... ... Erm. Yeah. Those are very similar movies. (they both involve celluloid and light) . o O (If you liked "Soylent Green," we also recommend: "Toy Story II") . o O ( If you liked "Soylent Green", we also recommend: "Soylent Green" ) . o O ( If you liked "The Pokemon Movie", we recommend "Soylent Green" so you'll know what you're worth to us. Yummy. ) . o O (If you liked "Soylent Green," we also recommend $RANDOM_MOVIE) . o O ( If you liked "Citizen Kane", we recommend "The Velvet Goldmine" ) % ("let's give it to Jake. He'll eat anything!") . o O (Of course he will. He's a dog.) % * Nyarla sighs and prepares to get back to work --> hacksaw --> backyard * meri . o O { finally burying the bodies. } . o O (Nah. Digging up the saved ones. She's got guests coming over tonight.) % "We professional movie critics count it a banner week when only one movie involves eating, falling into or being covered by excrement." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "The Adventures of Joe Dirt," 4/13/01 % "The product placement for Krispy Kreme doughnuts [in "Josie and the Pussycats"] is, however, an ominous development, since it may trigger a war with Dunkin' Donuts, currently the most visible product placer in the movies. With Krispy and Dunkin' dukin' it out, there may soon be no doughnut-free movies not actually featuring gladiators." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Josie and the Pussycats," 4/13/01 % "You need to be sober to fly a helicopter. It's not like driving a car." -- Homer Simpson % Is it wrong that I want to pork Natalie Portman? % * Prowler wonders about this recurring lower back pain * AB takes the rabid weasel out of Prowler's shorts % Surf Nazis Must Die. AB: Indeed; in fact, that's Phase XVII of my master plan % * meri watches Harvey Keitel bomb New York and then kill himself. Fairly Harvey Keitel-ish thing to do. does he get nekkid first? % well, now I know what's wrong with the vacuum. You vacuumed up a parakeet? % *** shrew (adam@active.vaporspace.net) has joined #commies yoshrew. * naked pounces on shrew * shrew waves meri * shrew pees on naked * meri . o O { please to not be getting those confused } % my computer is a pentium 120, and I have sucky lines, and dialup, i think it isn't hard to figure out why I come to work, where I have a 500Mhz Alpha and multiples ds3s % memo to self.. just being you arent vibrating doesn't mean you're not caffeinated. % WHOOT! this is already a GOOD day they've invented blowjobs in a can? ! . o O (and we think there's messes around vending machines NOW!) % "@" Doh. s/@/!/ * AB watches shodan ruin his humor attempt failed Humor roll . o O (* shodan 's joke 747 has crash landed onto the uneven terrain of Typography) . o O ( in the event of a water landing... ) % * Nyarla looks for an inhaler and discovers entire archaeological strata of forgotten stuph in her backpack % * AB pokes Nyarla [several minutes pass] AB: poke ack Nyarla: Nevermind. Found out the info I needed from jer. * Nyarla nods Thanks anyways, though. (sorry, had to go to the Little Elder Gods' Room...) % $ph00d = new Breakfast::Omlette(-type=>'cheese'); $ph00d = new Breakfast::Omlette(-type=>['pepper','onions', 'mushrooms','cheese']); . o O ( Mmmm, jer defines a tastier omlette ) % I showed Chuck the vibrating panda. He shuddered. meri: Are you sure it wasn't him suppressing a quiver of delight? AB: No. But I'm sticking to shuddered. Safer that way. :) .oO( Oh, hey, you can still reach the string while he's in there ) * meri shoots jer. % . o O ( The things I have to do... ) . o O ( ...to get anything out of AB. ) . o O ( You're not squeezing in the right place.) % wierd not much email today people die or something? % The MAN has brought me down once again. % SHODAN! yipe! GIVE UP THE FUNK! * shodan runs away I don't have yer stinkin' funk, lemme alone! * shodan hides under his couch Will this require me to get down and/or get funky with my bad self? YES! Right, then $shodan->get([qw(down funky)]); % SITZKRIEG! !! GIVE UP THE FUNK! * sitzkrieg sighs, and hands over the funk. % Heh. moyet just got one of those "Um. There are a bunch of pr0n URLs in my Netscape/Internet Explorer history file/dropdown box, and... uh...I dunno how they got there, of course. But I'd like to...uh... get rid of them." emails. % Anyone know where pir is? With the Gerbils... in the FUN ROOM % april 17th is bringyour child to work day * AB takes April 17th off same here * Nyarla twitches and flees * AB pre-emptively grants EAM#1 the day off * Nyarla sighs with relief . o O (no need to bring the Kalashnikov in to work this year...) % uhhh, anyone know the frogpit printers IP? murple: Yeah, hang on a sec . o O (* shodan inadvertently gives Murple the wrong IP address) . o O (* Murple prints out the online copy of "High Times") . o O (* FBI_Dood blinks as pot-related material begins spewing from his printer) % "Syntax error at 1: Unknown command 'fuck this shit'" % * outb0rk DDoS's AB. * AB drops 12 volts across outb0rk's Prince Albert % If Nyarla were to drop by the NOC with a set of IP addresses, could you guys turn down the route? Routing seems to have taken a powder for the day. AB: I can. But am uneducated in how to do so cleanly. we don't care if they die ugly... *grin* % * sitzkrieg falls over in hysterics. "Come meet your fellow employees and get an update on RCN!" "At 8am in maryland!" Don't wanna! I don't think I'm physically capable of being awake at that hour. % heh hehe.c . o O ( gcc -ohehe -WALL hehe.c ) :) * sitzkrieg hands outb0rk a -D__RCN_EMPLOYEE__ *lol*\ * outb0rk rewrites MrFreeze's Makefile. . o O ( /*lol*/ ) :P . o O ( #ifdef __RCN_EMPLOYEE__\n\t#include life/hopeless.h \n\t#include work/no_training.h\n#endif ) * sitzkrieg tosses some [<>]'s up there. . o O ( #include soul_owned_by_$company.h ) . o O ( use Life::Hopeless; ) . o O ( no Work::Training; ) . o O ( require masochism.pli ) . o O ( s/pli/pi/ ) . o O ( #ifdef __RCN_EMPLOYEE__\n\t#define ) % *makes vague hand gestures* * AB waits for Nyarla to make more definitive hand gestures. % * AB throws John Tesh into the CD player . o O ( Hey! It's cramped in here! And dark! Lemme out!) % * AB throws John Tesh into the CD player * bleys throws John Tesh into the blender * bleys turns on the power John Tesh is shredded with a few dozen goldfish * bleys drinks the resulting Power Drink(tm) Enjoy a TastyTesh drink for yourself! Now with New and Improved GoldScales(tm)!!! One refreshing sip, and you'll be playing the piano like Tesh, and offers of daytime shows will begin pouring in % . o O (The essence of geekdom: I'm asking moyet a question via IRC. She's 10 feet away from me.) % AB: Sorry to forward you guys the dumbass complaint from Bergman. This guy needs to be slapped, and then beaten with a two-by-four, then smacked. Who does? Bergman. You'll see the complaint bounced to "abuse." I saw it. Not sure who you felt needed smacking. He wants us to cancel an account because a guy was less rude back to him than he was to the guy. We get complaints like that all the time. "Your user posted a racist message to alt.flames.niggers. Please cancel his account." he wanted the guy to be more rude to him? He wanted the guy to take it and not be rude back. As near as I can tell, the UNET user was the ruder of the two. Not that it matters. Our AUP doesn't require our users to be pleasant. % * AB waffles between simply deleting the email, or responding to Bergman with "We don't require our customers to be nice or pleasant, and the Internet is filled with abrasive people." * AB simply deletes the email. In my younger days, I would have written out a response to the guy telling him "Sir, if you don't want to deal with unpleasant people, unhook your computer from the Internet and never leave the house. It's an older, wiser, more jaded AB that looked upon the email today. % Beer is neat. Almost as neat as boobs. % * AB !s as he discovers that his poetic license has been suspended. % * outb0rk resists the temptation to write "*cough*bullshit!*cough*" on a trouble ticket, fold it into a paper airplane and throw it back at the tech who submitted it. % "I'm still a virgin, and I'm getting pretty damned sick and tired of it." --Former child actor Gary Coleman % Erm. So. My wife comes home and mentions, among other things, that she's finally started her period. And then... ...she goes out to the mailbox... * meri hovers near the overshare switch. ...and discovers that some company has mailed her a sample of mini-pads. *LOL* hee . o O (How did they know?!?!?) % *** AB is now known as | <|> OUR SELENA IS DYING <|> Writer: Rod Serling <|> Teleplay: J. Michael Straczynski <|> Director: Bruce Pittman <|> Cast: Terri Garber, Jennifer Dale, Charmion King, R.H. Thomson, Paul Bettis, Patricia Idette, Aileen Taylor Smith, Jackie McLeod, Ann Turnbull, Rob McClure, Tim Keoetting <|> A doctor becomes suspicious when a dying old woman mysteriously becomes youthful, while her young niece simultaneously ages overnight. *** | is now known as AB . o O (Personally, either one alone would make me suspicious) % 7.19443628747: The Inverse Hyperbolic Cosine of the Beast % oh man. there was a car that used to park in front of spg.va whose hatchback was *completely* full of mcdonald's bags. meri, it was mine. :) really? i guarantee it. yup. :) blue hatchback? 86 honda accord, hatchback dude, you musta had like a year's worth of mcdonald's in there. quite disgusting, i know didn't it smell? (i'm really sensitive to smells.) 1.5 years, and it produced a mild smell good god, man. not a nice smell, mind you 1.5 year old mcdonalds grease! * meri shudders. mcdonalds bag piling over onto the passenger seat didn't ever stop *fast* because of fear of being smothered you have a new car, right? =) yea, new car, new rules. can't go above back seats. [Ed. Note: effect also speaks Klingon] % MUST REPLACE CONTROLLER CARD!! * kregars MUST CAFFINE MUST NICOTINE ok! MUST SIGN PACT WITH SATAN! your leaving RCN for RoadRunner?!?!? % oh, you can relax caz, I finally got around to shaving off my hair again :) pir, PHEW! every day i'd go home and mark on my calendar - "PIR HASN'T CUT HIS HAIR YET" and sob uncontrollably + drink JW Black until I passed out; everyone up here will PRAISE YAHWEH! % * piraeus hunts the wiley prowler . o O ( Welcome beck to _Wild NOC_! T'day, we'll be hunting th' elusive Prowlah! Let's listen fer his distinctive mating call! ) * Prowler is shot and killed hahah lol Mmmmm, roast prowler cooked on a hot NAS... yummy! . o O ( lookit tha soft undahbelly! ee's a winnah! ) . o O ( 'ee'll make a right nice set a boots! ) :) * AB phears that show Nobody should like mud that much. * moyet digs that show. crazy man. . o O (lookit these fangs! See how th' poison drips out when I squeeze her just so? What a BEAUTY she is!) "This is a koala.. looks 'armless, eh? But they get reeal pissed when you stick your fist up their bums... Like THIS" % Ya know how to get two bagpipers to play in key? Shoot one! % hmmmm..... anal tongue darts......... % I swear we have to be the only geek office building on the planet that runs out of ginger ale before we run out of Coke or Mountain Dew. % I have someone deep-breathing to classical music on my voicemail. % Ok. My bank balance is *much* closer to what I thought it should be once I realized that I put in "$3245" instead of "$32.45" for a transaction. * meri starts breathing again. Funny how that works. heh our unsung hero, the decimal point % I'm trying to use RPM to install a precompiled Linux bin onto a FBSD host. . o O ( Mommy, am I gonna go to hell? ) Well. Yes. But not for that. % .... they're making sweaters... for penguins... http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/science/DailyNews/ penguins000411.html Well. You gotta figure it gets cold down there. % * meri envisions a (flock? herd? pod?) of foot-tall penguins running around in sweaters, and falls over in a fit of giggles. meri: Passel Passel o' Penguins =) Is it really? That'd be cool. Nah. Damn. % . o O ( *All* the history? Okay! Millions of years ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth...) . o O ( ...A buncha stuff happened, which brings us to present day. ) . o O ( _History of Everything_, by shodan ) % MAKE THE CLOWN NOSE STOP! MAKE THE CLOWN NOSE STOP! * caz hides % Anyone have suggestions for a wireless ethernet vendor ?? "Get stuffed?" % * Syko smaks AB, hows that for abuse.... That'd be the biggest mistake of your life. And the last. =) % cool. I can't place international phone calls from here. not like I'd want to call some place in England that one of our users is getting mailbombed through. the internet goes beyond the USA? % [snip discussion of Murple forgetting about doing his 1999 taxes while still owing Lots(tm) on his 1998 taxes] * Murple makes a note to go get a passport in case i need it soon passport takes 2 weeks and $75 dollars not it doesn't. I got mine in 3 hours. you just need to present the passport office with an itenerary. "I need to be in madagascar in 6 hours. My grandfather has malaria." 12:00 - Flee to country with no extradition treaty % Shit! Is it tax season already? out: Indeed, got your tax hunting permits ready? % sh shodanbap.o Delivering Shodan::Ow event to client outb0rk.666 % i need to come up with like $8K in the next, uhh, 2 days . o O ( "I'd be happy to loan ya the money, but I'll hafta break yer legs in advance." ) % more dvds need chapters named "arrest that whore." % DO NOT ADJUST YOUR WASABI. WE CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL ETC % * Prowler really needs a wife or a girlfriend I need someone who will keep me from fine dining like "Peanutbutter and Chocolate Frosting Sandwiches" % the woman sold a customer a CLASS A a CLASS A hamlet: um. hamlet: um. um. um. hamlet: You seem...tense. hamlet: i'm having problems getting past "um" not tense. i think i could maybe progress to "uh" but, after that, it would just be spluttering. just drives me nuts that someone *did* that. Clearly, she *didn't* sell a class A meri: heh. She may have thought she did. She may have tried to do it. * meri waves her hands and splutters. She may have told someone she did. But. Clearly. She didn't. well, to be exacting, yes. she did not. but she tried. and that's enough. % . o O ( Hm, is gajillion bigger than bazillion? ) % dammit. I haven't thought of maui chips in years, and now I'm jonesing for 'em bad... * Nyarla wants to hit the Liberty House candy counter and go nuts... * AB pictures Nyarla at the Liberty House candy counter going nuts * AB pictures Nyarla talking to the trees, threatening to blow up Richmond, wearing a tinfoil beanie, etc. . o O ( What's she doing?) . o O ( Going nuts, I think.) * Nyarla pulls out a gun and gives the candy lady a stickup note "GIVE ME ALL THE CHOCOLATE-COVERED POTATO CHIPS AND A PLANE TO CUBA!" * Nyarla froths quietly s/PLANE/YACHT/ take elian with you. . o O (Please) . o O (FOR GHOD'S SAKE, MAN!) indeed. no! small child! bad! you can put him in the cargo hold. * Nyarla twitches and rolls around DON'T WANNA! MY PLANE! NO KIDS! Tie him to the keel for all we care. just make him go! oh, well, OK, then. % oh gads. i have to get a dress. who are you, and what have you done to meri? % where's that murpleURL when you need it? RIGHT BEHIND YOU! LOOK OUT! !! * sitzkrieg leaps back, FORK in hand. BACK, FOUL URL! s/FORK/fork()/ !! * sitzkrieg glances to one side, and sees himself, holding a FORK. % oh, and in case anyone was wondering, the Amphora on 123 has some positively lethal cheesecake. . o O ( Excellent ) . o O ( * shodan -> get cheesecake -> eliminate enemies ) % * sitzkrieg spotwelds shodan. * shodan feels a slight.. uh.. * shodan grabs sitz Listen, you! ! * sitzkrieg listens. * shodan suddenly realises he doesn't actually have anything to say * shodan puts sitz down, and dusts him off. Er. So there! Right! BE THAT WAY! Alright, I WILL! % It took us 40 million years to develop thumbs, and it will probably take us another 40 million to get them out of our ass. --Dennis Miller % * Sykotic curses Caldera Open Linux * sitzkrieg hands Sykotic Stampede linux, in an effort in increase the frustration level THREE MORE TRIANGLES. % . o O ( What's that on your stomach? Strech marks?) . o O ( Nah. Claw marks from where I've been fucking meri's cat.) HAHAHA [Ed. Note: Synergist is AB's boss] % Anyone feeling like donating $5000 to a good cause? Your sex change? dude, he would be an *ugly* female. but he's already got the boobs % * sitzkrieg drinks water from the tap. well. it goes inna glass first. % verbing weirds language! % there she blows again phd.pa is falling over sheesh... last day, like I need this It's our way of saying "Don't go!" Odd, I interpret as "Please leave!" :-D Or, rather, "Here's affermation as to why leaving is such a nifty idea!" * bleys notes that his rolodex was not completely mirrored. no numbers for cwix colo services made it into the new rolo hmmmm. last day, minion called in sick, *cough, cough* I'm feeling a bit weary myself... :) * bleys goes home and leaves the NOC empty bleys: I warned you about the rolodex... you did. however, I only have to deal with the NewRolo(tm) today. Ops has to deal with it ad futurium bleys: you forgot the evil laughter I'm not gloating I gave fair warning, and now it's out of my hands bleys: I'll just start calling your house, you will be the offical ops 411 :) lucky for me I'll be at NewJob(tm), and will just delete the wails of anguish from my answering machine when I get home where is $NewJob ? I'll tell you later whisper it in my ear no, thank you. I know where that ear has been % * AB "cleans" his desk and sorts out the resumes "freak" "freak" "freak" "mundane *TOSS*" "freak" I wish. More the other way around. ! * AB has a lotta apps from tech weens who just wanna do something besides tech support. yeah.. I was just gonna ask that.. AB: can't fault 'em for trying. ;) . o O ("i kin speel gud and am an exsellent righter") % * AB notes that the company who makes Altoids is named "Callard and Bowser" * AB pictures the guy from Sha Na Na % * AB spots a spam complaint with the subject "How would you like a larger penis?" * AB pictures humorous follow ups to this lead in . o O ( How would you like a larger penis?) . o O ( Uh...sure!) . o O ( Great! Here!) . o o (* spammer hands n00b a huge severed penis) % * AB discovers that yahoo.movies.com doesn't exist. * AB tries movies.yahoo.com instead. . o O ( * AB discovers that doesn't work either, and tries movies.com.yahoo ) % * piraeus unplugs prowler ! . o O ( oh great, now prowler is gonna need a fsck. and i aint gonna do it ) % * caz queues up the 24 minute Tiny Tim cover of _Rebel Yell_ % * shodan attempts to login to webmail * shodan gets the following helpful error message "in a person bad spot:" . o O ( ..... What? ) % * AB ponders how many long-term IRCisms come from shodan * AB eyes shodan warily ! . o O (* AB ponders how many long-term IRCisms come from AB) * AB has contributed his fair share, to be sure. Lessee... MUST! is a shodanism . o O (Kinda like an organism, only different) * shodan thought that was an ABism Really? I got it from you, I thought. =) huh, weird Mebbe it just snuck into everyone's brane at the same time. :) * AB suspects that the origin of many of the common IRCisms were actually started by shodan, and then driven into the ground by AB heh . o O ( MUST! MUST POUND JOKE INTO GROUND! ) 8^D . o O (* shodan says "MUST!" once) . o O ( !) . o O (* AB beats joke to death) shodan: meme generator AB: meme propogator ! Yo momma! ! % * piraeus tries to figure out why people are calling my home # instead of my cell phone first then again I also question why I get called twice a week about the same issue when I've said repeatedly that I can't fix it pir: You have such a lovable, cuddly personality, people make up reasons to call you. % ! * AB hears the execrable Madonna version of "American Pie" wafting down from upstairs. * AB jams pencils into his ears. % nyarla and I were trying to figure out how much we could make on minion pr0n. * AB feels the Minion/Overlord bonds being strained. % * meri strides into the channel, and lets loose a mighty weeble. * naked licks meri * meri . o O { A-ha! My capsacin perfume is finally gonna foil someone! } % msg mrfreeze still stoned....must get home to bed....catch ya later...out. fuck. % You should get laid. it was awful Getting laid is rarely awful % * sitzkrieg dons his "Hearts" hat, and wanders around mrf shrieking "Off with his head!". (just another day at the office, really) % * AB used to try to confound religious solicitors with logic. "If I wanted to be at your church, I'd be there already." "Do you RILLY think I've just been sitting around saying to myself 'I'll attend the church of whatever religious solicitor shows up next at my door?'" Then I realized... ...logical people don't go door-to-door making religious solicitations. % * shodan gets confirmation that his fridge is operating sub-optimally, as the milk that he put in there a few days ago is now almost solid. solid in the milkcicle sorta way? or the "oh god get that out of my house!" The latter :) % [snip discussion of the game "Thief," and the fact that the main character in the game (a thief) apparently wears hard-soled shoes] . o O ( I had just returned from tap-dancing class, when I heard a tip about a rare treasure being kept in this heavily- guarded castle that I just /had/ to check out immediately ) % doh! . o O ( Not only does breaker 5 turn off my fridge, but it kills my coffeemaker too. grf! ) *** ducky has quit IRC (ducky has no reason) . o O ( And ducky too, apparently ) % Whether or not a peep in RollerCoaster Tycoon will ride a ride is determined by the peep's Preferred Intensity, which can be either "Less than 4," "4 to 11," "Less than 11," or "Less than 15". Each peep also has a Nausea Tolerance. Which is independent of their preferred intensity. So you get peeps with a preferred intensity of 4-11, but with a Nausea Tolerance of "None." And. Well. Rides with intensities between 4-11 usually have Nausea ratings of at least 4. So you'll get peeps that get on a ride, get off, hurl, stagger around, hurl some more... ...and then get right back on the same ride. % * AB is amused by the fact that one of the roller coasters at Kings Dominion is themed after Wayne's World. However... Given that Wayne's World is Old(tm) these days... I suspect some re-theming is imminent. . o O (Maybe they'll theme it around Austin Powers) . o O (* AB turns out to be wrong) . o O (<20 years later, the coaster is still themed after Wayne's World) . o O ( Huh? Wayne? Garth? Who the fuck are they?) % * AB grabs hamlet * hamlet wonders if she should struggle or merely go for the testicles * AB recommends struggling. =) % * phrog prepares -> home * shodan prepares to wave phrog . o O ( $shodan->wave({'target'=>'phrog', 'timeout'=>(30000)}); ) % * hamlet gets her groove on * shodan turns hamlet's groove off * shodan turns hamlet's groove back on hey! * shodan plays with the switch a bunch. "Hey, neat!" % * Nyarla pulls a gerbil-sized wad of cotton out of a bottle of vitamins and wonders for the umpteenth time why they don't just use smaller bottles % just discovered another advantage of new backpack...it repels dog hair ;) ! This could be dangerous in your house. . o O (The Department of Defense gives Nyarla billions of dollars to transform this into a weapon of war.) . o O (Nyarla runs around her house with the backpack in front of her.) . o O (Dog hair streaks away at near lightspeed and kills several passerby) . o O ( Neet!) * sitzkrieg remains convinced that AB was left on the doorstep of Mr and Mrs Burner by aliens. % owie well, don't do that, then but its fun then enjoy the pain okay % * Prowler starts claiming IP space in the name of Niffleheim % * AB b0gs as the printer driver file he's downloading breaks the 1MB barrier. * AB suspects lots of krupht(tm) . o O ( Hi! This is your driver package! And these are my friends I brought with me!) . o O ( Hi!) . o O ( Hi!) . o O ( Hi!) However. I'm not bitter. % * AB ponders mangled grammar, viz: "Other info : I am a pharmaceutical chemist living in San Antonio with my wonderful husband and our first child whom we are eagerly awaiting her arrival." % RCN hired a new dude to do compenstation, he's the one that will be assigning grades and decideing comp to new and existing positions. I was talking to him today about some planned changes in the abuse department. he asked so what do they do ? ! I told him briefly about how they handle abuse issues and handle spam complaints. he's next question was : "What is SPAM?" Grf! * AB grabs Human Resources * AB grabs Clue(tm) * AB makes "go together" motions with his hands to NO AVAIL! % hrm. i guess that explains why that script doesn't work. rint() is not a function, apparently. * meri . o O { but it should be! } % "Not everyone agrees with the survey's findings. 'Getting high is the least of marijuana's uses,' said Matt Henner, President of Hemp For Victory and a total pothead. 'The ancient Egyptians used hemp to build the pyramids. In the 1930s, the WPA used it to construct bridges and dams. Today it is used for medicine and as a non- polluting alternative to gasoline.' Henner then admitted he was 'wasted beyond belief.'" --The Onion, 4/12/00 % *snork* A guy I know was at Safeway yesterday, and had a cart full of Jewish Passover Stuff (tm). And the contents of his cart put him over the limit to win... A ham. % [snip discussion of kosher for everyday use vs. kosher for passover] man i'm glad I'm agnostic. i can wash pork rinds down with IPA 365 days a year. % yipe * shodan accidently highlights all of irc * shodan eyes his 'copy' button warily (So close to the 'paste' button too) % gah. * sitzkrieg runs dosemu. "All of the frustrations of DOS....in an xterm!" % What's vinegar made from? vines and gar % most of the disparaging terms for my ethnic group are professional sports teams *snort* . o O (i.e. the San Francisco Goths) % I grow weary of all this "man talk" % vi vs. emacs... JIHAD! EMACS wins it can emulate VI I thought normal human beings were Not Allowed (tm) 'round here? don't even try to step up just step off and keep moving... step off, smurfboy * shodan steps up . o O ( Help! I can't get back down! ) % * Nyarla envisions a shodan-workout involving multiple reps of lifting a coffeecup to the mouth That's the advanced course speaking which * shodan -> recoffee % ,,,. [r-m Feh. "mmm, pr0n" * shodan stays still and moves the universe around slightly to realign his keyboard . o O (whoa!!!) . o O ( It's a trick I learned a while ago; I'm a hit at parties ) % and I'm talking riordan style stoned * jzp has no ref point for "riordan style stoned". is that SERIOUSLY baked, or happy-light-continuous-buzzzz? i think it's "what planet is this again" stoned. when you look in the mirror and go "do I know you?" % * piraeus becomes amused by customers complaining they can't reach spankstories.com *snork* % * meri flexes her mighty panda and attempts to bend apache to her will. % * Nyarla ponders an RCN dating service and shudders don't even joke like that. "LONELY GEEKS ARE WAITING TO TALK TO YOU! CALL NOW!" % . o O (YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE LIZARD!) % Mmm... Chicken chili inna bread bowl mmm * AB DCCs some to shodan yay! * shodan DCCs shrew to AB ! "Thanks! Here!" :) * AB DCCs shrew to the Chinese Embassy in Latvia ! * shrew eyes AB and shodan warily % * KaptnJack --> bar . o O (Jack's gonna be a lawyer?!?) % * meri starts adding X-Pepito-Sez: headers to all her mail. . o O ( X-Pepito: yes ) . o O ( X-Pepito-sez: I'm not wearing any pants! ) . o O ( X-No-No-Archive: Ye.. er, no.. er.. uh.. Gah! ) % * leaf adds 'check nocweb against accessability guidelines' to her list of things to do * leaf adds 'learn how to spell access[a|i]bility' to her list... . o O ( 'check nocweb against accessab.. accessib.. acseccib.. make sure everyone can see it.' ) % this isreally fscking frustrating. What? Your inability to type? that as well. and having to put up with a smartass abuse d00d. :P % * AB finds a file on his computer named "susceptible.doc" * AB opens the file. * AB finds the single word "susceptible" in the file * AB eyes the Universe warily % it's possible there's another directory section overriding.... try using "Options +ExecCGI" * sitzkrieg dons his JooJanta 900 Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses, and ventures forth. % *** Flock has quit IRC ([BX] The Power Rangers use BitchX. Shouldn't you?) The Power Rangers do NOT use BitchX % somebody tell curly i'm a nice person Yo curly! ... hamlet: he doesn't think you're nice? i'll kick his little raver butt. Rather than telling curly that you're a nice person, let me explain to you why you shouldn't care what curly thinks of you... =) * meri laughs at AB. haha, word up % (us geekgrrrls have to stick together, or something) * meri plasters herself to nyarla, hamlet, leaf, and moyet * hamlet feels the femmelove * Nyarla wonders whose hand that is... * AB hears the sound of expanding male NOC-Monkey crotch-denim from all the way over here. *snork* % That's it g*d-d@#&it! I'm not going back out on the roads unless a million people pull their heads out of their arses! * phrog contemplates the mere _sound_ of a million people pulling their heads out of their arses % the radar image for my house has a red cloud over it I was right! You are from hell! No! I just rent here! % I'm reacting to Shrew's moving his car. for fear of Hail dents I guess ? Yeah. If he gets dents, he'll have to get another new car. And I think he's running out of Hondas. % * bene makes a note to send shodan a birthday card . o O ( Why is this card ticking? ) . o O ( http://www.google.com/search?q=letter+bomb ) % does he bungie jump? I suppose he could, using the string in his butt. % "Things in the server room should not wiggle." --David Hankins % No state ID, no social security card, no driver's license. Not a single luxury? % * naked pokes shrew Hi! NOBODY LIKES YOU. WHY DO YOU STINK? WAIT, DONT TELL ME :P hah And, in a matter of mere seconds, I am flashed back to the second grade. Fairly impressive. behold my power! % * AB blinks * AB notes that fimbul is an hour early * AB eyes fimbul warily Yeah, I came in early. I was informed by my folks that we'd eat easter dinner at a "regular" time. . o O ( I've been here since 2:00am. Getting ready to leave now.) Not quite. I got in about 9:30. ...If I'd gotten here at 2:00am, I'd have still been drunk. I can't decide whether that would've been fun or not. % [snip several hours of IRC conversation about role-playing games] Gah, I always feel like such a gaming geek when I get into these conversations with you, kurt. ab: sometimes the gamer gene needs a little kickstart :) * AB starts carrying around a bag full of dice and forgets to bathe for several days % * kurt twitches and spasms, turning from Dr Jekyll into Mr Geek. % "Cool World" was fun. Right up until a certain point. Right. That point being approximately 13 minutes after the movie started. % * meri hunts down michael stackpole. ! * AB calls Stackpole and warns him % dave sounded VERY mondayish.... * kregars hands dave a can of Wake-the-fuck-up-and-smile grmmph % * sitzkrieg wonders if his house qualifies as a 'corrosive environment' % "I'm off early to go snarf dinner with my fambly. I hope they're serving lamb, because the irony of eating lamb for Easter dinner makes me so damned happy." --Fimbulvetr, 4/15/01 % "Seeing such naievete makes me think there's hope yet for humankind. Then again, maybe it's a sign we're all doomed and that some will just be more surprised than others when the hammer falls." --Ray Everett-Church, 4/13/01 % hovering flesh-eating fish are l33t % http://www.skirtman.org/gallery.html nice legs. =) did he actually *SHAVE* his legs??? "from the waist down, he could be janet reno" hahaha it'd look pretty bad if he didn't shave. :) err, it just plain looks bad either way Sitz :) I mean, of all the men out there that should not be wearing skirts, he's near the top of the list you, my man, have obviously not attended a con recently. % * sitzkrieg walks over to a nearby bookshelf and grabs a 138lb book labeled "History of France, Vol. 36" and drops it on naked. that's more then i weigh sucks to be you under all that history then. % what ever happened to her? she get canned? Madonna? * sitzkrieg nods. She's in charge of the testing center at NoVA Annandale. I know this, because I ran into her when I went to take a test there. * sitzkrieg blinks. Freaked the hell out of me. I thought I had gone to the entirely wrong place to take my test. "Uh, did I somehow end up at spg.va?...." * sitzkrieg moves "NOVA Annandale" from the "places to take classes" column to the "places to test chemical weapons on" column. % * AB spots an eBay auction for "AD&D Planescape- Monsterous Suppliment (1994)" * AB twitches HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU MISSPELL THE NAME OF IT WHEN IT'S *RIGHT THERE* ON THE COVER?!? % [snip tale of mirth and woe about AB's efforts to get his Minions more money] AB: tell 'em that underpaid minions are more likely to have a rough night sleeping on someone's couch, get all cranky, and go off on the customers that would be bad why? with a machete? ah, messy, but that's what the cleaning crew is for. the cleaning crew , who make $32k/yr ? * moyet works really hard at not being bitter. * AB is trying his darndest to get his Minions more money. * moyet knows. * AB knows full well the problems inherent with underpaid, low-morale Minions. Underpaid, low-morale Minions tend to overlook small details, like getting angry sea bass instead of sharks. Short-fusing the nuclear detonators, things like that. % * AB takes a phone call from a woman who is all in a tizzy 'cause she did a search for "Erols" on Google.com and one of the links erroneously linked to a pr0n site. *gasp* And when I failed to be suitably outraged, explaining that it was most likely a glitch in the Google.com database, and explaining that it probably wasn't a case of the eViL Pr0n pUrVeYoRs deliberately misguiding the masses, she asked if we had a "pornography reporting hotline." that would be synergist. "What's the URL? oh yah, that one sucks" % * piraeus hits upon the definition of 'getting old' when you'd rather listen to music you hated 10 years ago than the shit thats on the radio now % Yeah, but then they'd have to rename the frosting with a zippy, marketable name. I doubt "Sp00" would sell as well. Depends on your target market, I guess. Naive ex-girlfriends who actually believed semen is good for skin? * culimerc wishes his girlfriend was that naive % * Leviathan corresponded w/Larry Niven for several years. . o O ( until he got that restraining order.. ) % * jzp fails to find the appeal in checking filesystems in the nude % AB, do you know how to speak to the dead yet? ... Prowler: Yes. It's part of RCN Abuse training. % i can afford several more crack rocks a week now that i dont smoke cigs % AB: you don't happen to recall how to display and send full headers in Outlookdo you? * kurt prefers Outlookjitsu, the applied form of Outlookdo. % http://www.fetishhotel.com/ porn49221 : boring http://www.asianheat.com/ porn49221 : boring * MrFreeze hands himself a /msg kurt % * meri finds a salad in her mini-fridge that's been there for, oh, two weeks or so. well, she didnt so much find it, as it asked to be let out % I love hanging out with intellectuals. The humor is so... cerebral. (which explains why I never hang out with you lot. ) % "I can never see a time when dancing can be approved of, especially with people who are not married," said Tim Shepherd, an evangelist for the Church of Christ in Pound. "Dancing is one of those things that entices. It imitates sexual contact." --www.cnn.com, 4/16/01 (Bet you were thinking it was The Onion) % [snip black and white picture from a 1950's-era cookbook, with the caption "Your friends will certainly enjoy chicken shortcake when served individually!"] 'Yes, it's the individuality of the portion that people adore. Most people, when presented with some inedible dish that resembles a plate of Horta-fetus calamari will clap their hands and say: whee! It's crusty, it's oozing sneeze-juice and best of all, I have an INDIVIDUAL portion!' 'Nonsense. Your guests will resent you intensely. Individual portions mean the host can tell at a glance whether each guest has finished their portion, left half uneaten, or simply mashed the whole thing up and moved it around to make it look as if they gave it a good crack.' 'This looks very much like a magnified cluster of warts. Although warts don't usually come with parsley.' 'Today's assignment: find the chicken.' --The Gallery of Regrettable Foods, http://www.lileks.com % "Tired of your dated, hippie-crap wallpaper? Here's how to get it off for nothing! Invite over a really straight friend. Slip some LSD in her drink. Put on a 45 of "White Rabbit" and set it to play over and over and over again. Just when your friend starts to trip, say 'This is what the inside of Jerry Garcia's prostate looks like.' Then leave the room and lock the door." --Interior Desecrators, http://www.lileks.com % * scottm looks into the future and sees himself sleeping in on Friday... * AB wonders if scottm can tell him who's gonna win the Superbowl next year I could, but then you'd get in on my action. % *** effect (somethingn@old.effect.org) has joined #commies anyone in northern VA know when the lottery comes on tv, and what channel? and speaking of pathetic.... :D eat me <-- vegetarian % I'm like Flash Gordon, but without the Queen soundtrack or faggy outfit. % "Do we really need to waste money and resources killing the retarded when sending them into a hedge maze would be just as effective?" --Art Gordon, Systems Analyst, The Onion (4/18/01) % Heh. Hawaii approved the medical marijuana bill. * meri . o O { Hawaii's third-largest industry. } % 03/19/2000 - OK, AS LONG AS THEY'RE WARM: The city council of Gretna, La., has voted unanimously to make it legal to throw panties from Mardi Gras Carnival floats into the parade audience. % i make no recommendations about any sake that has the name "sierra" in it, other than perhaps "try something else" % i think the fumes from this highlighter are warping my mind % so where exactly is ARIN physically located, anyway? and does anyone here have a gun? % Woody: What'll it be today, Mr. Petersen? Norm: I'm in a gambling mood today, Woody. I'll take a mug of whatever comes out of that tap. Woody: That'd be a beer, Mr. Petersen. Norm: Call me "Mr. Lucky." % * outb0rk is under the distinct impression he was recently abducted and experimented upon by aliens. recently? Within the last week or so. My back is killing me for no obvious reason. Hell, I was pretty sure you were abducted by aliens the first time I met you. % * outb0rk threatens PERL with endless "T.J. Hooker" reruns unless it does what I want. % mmm. anthrax anthrax leprosey mu? . o O ( these are a few of my favorite things ) % * meri becomes really glad she doesn't have a quickcam. since i basically have a teabag stuffed up my nose. % so, when are all of you heavy beer drinking freaks coming down to the trailer home in stafford and drinking with me and Syn? Syko: Soon as you and Syn start drinking beer other than MegaSwill(tm). As soon as the two of you start drinking beer * phrog *5* s AB % * fimbul decides to stop drinking coffee now. . o O ('cause when I pee, I smell Starbucks) % I'm manic as fuck right now. It's all I can do not to run down the halls of mrf shouting "WOOB WOOB WOOB!" and demanding that folks address me as "Terrible, Man-Killing Fimbulfimbul." % * Nyarla peers suspiciously at the dog and wonders what he's been smoking . o O ( something good apparently ) (and he didn't share with me, the alpha female. bad dog!) % Putting a hole in your weenie is the height of illogic. % * sitzkrieg seems to have done something rather unpleasant to his neck. sitz, me too I've had this pain since I woke up * sitzkrieg hasn't, although my back was hurting at one point last night. couldn't sleep on my back. which isn't a big deal, as I can never fall asleep in that position anyway. * sitzkrieg idly wonders at precisely what point this train of thought becomes a sharing violation. . o O ( Only when you say that you sleep on someone else's back ) (when you start talking about other things you do in that position. duh.) .oO { I can't sleep on my belly, 'cuz I end up fucking my mattress in my sleep... Oh, oop. Sharing Violation } % (RCN: we hire the homeless and pass the savings on to you!) % you'd be amazed what you can do with a little flexibility, and doorknobs % "Although AboveNet restored service by midafternoon, many of its 1,000 dot-com customers experienced sluggish Web site performance" * AB twitches at the use of "dot-com" as a noun. * Nyarla nods AB (they go up against the wall too. along with people who use "office" as a verb.) % AB: fyi, just got summoned for jury duty on 5/10 (wednesday after next) (it will be amusing to see whether the district's desire to have obscure ethnic groups represented on juries is outweighed by their desire to reject black-clad pink-haired freaks) % * AB phears people who say, with complete seriousness, "I practice Kabalistic high magick." . o O (now with a "k" for extra phear! (tm) ) % * fimbul imagines himself forced to watch images of Michael Douglas and Tom Hanks moving about to a score of Beethoven music. When the film is finished, I'd... not like Bethoven, and still hate Michael Douglas. * fimbul imagines those last few sentences, but better constructed. . o O ( In fact, imagine that everything I say is an impeccable construction of unmitigated genius. Now, love me unconditionally. Now, go get me a cheeseburger.) % "WILL GAME FOR SOAP" --Button seen at a gaming convention % * meri . o O { "Nyarla, what is best in life?" "To lart the lusers! To see their accounts crushed beneath my heel, and to hear the lamentation of their modems!" } % * meri snickers. * meri finds a palm vii app for Syn. "find a strip bar whereever you are!" * Nyarla lafs I thought he had innate titty-sensors % * AB makes the mistake of re-visiting the "About Foxwolfie Galen" page. * AB fails his SAN roll. *snicker* It's...it's... It's just that PICTURE! My gh0d! To view that picture just once is to understand why this man fucks stuffed animals! BECAUSE HE'S A RIGHT UGLY BASTARD! And yet he paints it as "I do this by choice. It's a lifestyle I *choose* to lead." BULLSHIT! * AB froths % * Nyarla belatedly snogs u-steve * AB wasn't aware that Elder Gods "snogged" % I've been punishing myself physically all weekend % Pah. Why must these morons set their eBay auctions for 10 days? Don't they understand that I require immediate gratification?!? % http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/science/DailyNews/ artichokes000427.html Spanish farmers are growing 3-meter-high artichokes i phear your urls kregars. :) holy moly 3 *meters*? nod 9 feet high huh huh, cool.. they're gonna grow brains and take over the planet % * AB boggles slightly as he realizes that it won't be long before we run out of greek prefixes for disk drive storage capacity. mega-, giga-, tera-, peta-, exa-... what's after Exa ? yetta and zotta are defined sorry, zetta and yotta. see http://www.hack.gr/jargon/html/ Q/quantifiers.html zetta, yotta, and zepto and yocto for the other end of the scale. And after that, grouchto, harpto, and chicto. % the day my computer's waving a blade at my privates is the day I start my career as a farmer. % *** AB is now known as | <|> From: "RAPED WHORE" <|> To: <|> Subject: SEE FEMALE RAPE ORGASM <|> <|> Hi, bastard, see female rape violence orgasm *** | is now known as AB Really, how can anyone resist such an enticing offer? % * shodan listens to construction that what that is? i thought shmit left his music on % * Nyarla snogs everybody ! i tink i just been snogged! how do I get it all off me without betraying my cool exterior? % "Spent most of the day enduring apparent caffeine-induced mania. Found myself talking like Primus's Les Claypool at 45 rpm. However, I didn't quiver so fast that my skin shattered this time, so I guess I'm okay." --Fimbulvetr, excerpt from 4/18/01 shift report % "And today I explained that, if I saw more spam coming from [him], [he] was going to have an asshole so big that boinking him would be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway." --Fimbulvetr, excerpt from 4/18/01 shift report % * Nyarla pops some more guarana-and-ephedrine capsules and vibrates silently % I've got an idea. Is it a good one? no. % Nyarla really did have to talk to a user who claimed that RILLY RILLY HONEST AND FOR TRUE he was a vampire. The message he posted to usenet agonizing over the experience of watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" with his girlfriend and trying to figure out how to break the news to her... ...well, it was priceless. (altho' in his defense, he didn't pull the vamp bit on the phone with me. but I'd deja'ed him first and had a hard time keeping a straight face.) "so, OK, make sure not to mail this guy any more...and by the way, DOES YOUR MOMMY KNOW YOU'RE A VAMPIRE??!" he'll be coming out with a book in a few months entitled "All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned from White Wolf Publications" % * Nyarla was inexplicably amused to see our luser tangling with one of her old Usenet foes, tho'... That's the sign of a true geek: One that has Old Usenet Foes(tm). % someone needs to invent a nasal vacuum that you can use to schlorp out boogers % * shmit eyes the lot of you warily. * shmit hands Nyarla one of his calendars. Ignore the sp00. * Nyarla peers suspiciously at the calendar (don't you have anything with girlies on it?) The girlies are under the sp00. * Nyarla pulls out some solvents and a chisel % and he was like "hello, is this andrew danforth?" and i'm like "yeah" . o O ( And he's like, "dude!" and I'm all like, "dude!" and he's like "Woah!" ) % I lived in Philly for about 5 months in 1986 in (a.) Germantown during (b.) the Summer of the Garbage Strike(tm). ewwwwwwwwwwwww. for those of you that aren't familiar with Philly, Germantown is The Ghetto. that was before my time, but I heard the stories. I lived in Fishtown for two years. * Nyarla still shudders at the memories that was shortly after the mayor of philly decided to firebomb some squatters... MOVE! Osage Avenue. Oh man... * Nyarla used to collect empty crack vials for a housemate, who was using them to construct a sort of mosaic that read "WELCOME TO PHILADELPHIA" % whoa seems the foo fighter cd i just got is an interactive one THey expect you to sing along? dave grohl takes you an interactive goofy grape adventure you'll never forget! yipee skippy you have to play one instrument on each track in order to listen to it? . o O ( you keep fucking up the bridge! do you want to hear these songs or not? IT'S A, G, D, F GET IT RIGHT ) . o O ( don't make me shoot you like I did to that fucker kurt! he COULDN'T PLAY MY FUCKING SONGS! ) . o O (The Foo Fighters present Choose Your Own Adventure!) . o O ( Help save the Foo Fighters from Evil Dr. Grim! ) . o O ( Help the foo fighters find lunch in SillyVille! ) . o O ( The Foo Fighter hits you over the head with a 77 Les Paul Studio. You die. Identify your possessions? (Y/N)? ) If you think Dave should open the door, go to page 25. If you think he should go up the stairs to the left, go to page 48. If you think this track should have ended at 6:08 after the guitar solo, go to page 92. If you think Dave should switch to Gm7d5, press 'fast forward' twice % i think I broke myself last night. Nat'l Masturbation Day isn't until Sunday. % 3 cheers for visual aphasia! eechr! chere! rheec! % . o O (Years from now, when the aliens are sifting through our fossilized remnants, they're going to come to one inescapable conclusion) . o O (The Earth was populated by dorks.) % _Chicken Soup for your Nads_ -- "A godsend for all you impotent guys. Now available in soft cover. Ha ha ha." % meri still in herE? meri's in someone else's E now, I think. % * AB watchs Syn defend John Tesh. * AB phears * AB sneaks into Syn's office and finds all of Tesh's CDs. All 2 of them? More than that, sitz. I can bring them to you, if you want. no, that's ok. Tie you to a chair and play them for you. * sitzkrieg cleverly hides all the chairs on the planet under his bed. % ab: you heard the halloween idea moyet and I have been kicking around? Minion pr0n? no, no, that's not halloween specific * Nyarla as beavis, moyet as butthead, torque as daria * AB would have to fire you all. we were thinking maybe you as stuart ;) * AB dunno stuart * Nyarla lafs and doesn't tell * AB phears Torque as Daria. * AB guesses Stuart is Daria's boyfriend or brother or something. nope. * AB guesses wrong. * AB is tragically unhip * Nyarla will get fired if I tell you who stuart is :) Better not tell me, then. I need you around. =) % hey wow. that was nicely embarrasing. * meri locked herself out of her hotel room. i got to get the lobby to bring me up a new key while i stood around in the hall, barefoot, in my pajamas. thank god for the courtesy phones on every floor. % Egad, woman, too much Guarana. Gurana. Ga... fuck it. % fuck. marianatrench.com is taken. bastards. there goes MY porn career. % * fimbul senses that being on irc this late at night puts him squarely in geekdom. * fimbul wonders where his liberal arts schooling really got him. Gee. I can discuss Epictetus and ... OOH! Tentacle pr0n! % . o O ( oh, no. not bull semen again. ) % Jeez. One minute I'm middle-american boring white-picket-fence guy, and the next I'm in this wacky madcap world of goth bisexuals and leather pants and people getting whippings and stuff. % Wait, you found a rental car with a cd player? I got stuck with a 96 Neon that smelled of orange, had nothing but a radio, then drove through Southern VA with only cattle news to entertain me. % * kregars cheers at the 200Million jackpot for today for the big game... *sigh* The life I could lead with $200M... * edge bets his GF wouldn't b*tch about much after that! :) if it takes $200M to make your gf stop b*tching, you need a different gf. % so you all ready for the world to end today? i can just feel the tidal forces ripping the earth apart right now from the planetary alignment. oh. no. The world cannot end before I see Gladiator damnit!!!!!! % Dude, I've pissed off the aliens. There's no way they're gonna save me. * meri weeps. % So, when i got to my car, it had a flyer for "Church for the Churchless" like, young 'hip' minister holding service in a bar and starting his sermons with pick up lines. (Hey baby, wanna see my holy trinity?) % I think more anti-spam fighters ought to be known psychos. Stalkers, snipers, hit and run drivers... It would give us an edge. ...I thought we were already known psychos... Yeah, but none of us have been caught in a bell tower with a rifle yet. . o O (YET.) "You see officer, they're ALL just potential spammers. I have to stop them before...." % I'm still a little saner than Torque -- HE wanted to end the world as his HS science project. % * fimbul notes that his head is being over run by pornstar personae. . o O (would explain why I have to spray the outside of my car with gasoline every time I finish filling the tank.) % * Nyarla considers moving to Europe for better access to orange chocolates * fimbul considres moving to France for cheaper cheese. * Nyarla considers moving to Europe to get laid % The search string: "+avengers +truetype +font" Result # 9: "9. celebrities nude celebs FUCKING WHORES in the ass" I love the internet. % I wouldn't have minded this allergy stuff half as much had not another network taught me to think of the allergens in terms of "tree sex." Now I'm not only physically miserable, but I emotionally feel like I've just taken a Johnny-Wadd-like facial in a botanical pr0n movie. % OMFG MY GUN IS HERE * AB eyes KaptnJack warily but AB! IT'S HERE! ! KJ: that's what has us worried it's only a paintball gun it only stings a bit jack: increase the FPS to 3000 and freeze the paintballs yeah yeah yea actually if you jack the FPS up to around 3k, you don't need to freeze the paintballs I got hit once by a guy who had jacked his up to 4k FPS, left a NASTY bruise hey what's the point of jacking up a paintball gun? isn't the point *not* to injure eachother? pah! welts are cool! * AB takes andrewh aside and gently explains to him the concept of "dick waving." % From: Joe To: Erol's Admin Announcements Subject: Re: [cabletech] Carmel, NY Hey baby , can we send Mom some flowers ????? * piraeus rofl Our users hurt my head. % According to CNN 1 out of 4 PR people have admitted to lying on the job. I would imagine the other 3 are lying about that. % andrewh: I can barely shellscript, d00d. "oh" Nevermind hax0r a proprietary binary. . o O ( I can hardly type my own goddamned name. ) % * AB abandons any pretense of nutrition and has nachos and beer for dinner. % "For every web page there is an equal and opposite web page" % shodan synergist whats the # of domains that are affected by this? and are they basically br0ken until you fix the DB? A relatively small number, I think. But a lot of the "big" domains with a lot of entries require changes. The problem is that comparing the DB and the two files looks a lot messier than it actually is.. On a scale of "no problem" to "end of the world" I'd put it at "mildly annoying". . o O ( I can be even *more* vague if you want ) % It's amazing how earthlike your carpet can get with sufficient neglect. % what sort of freak is awake and functional at 8? nobody should have to be awake at that hour * sitzkrieg has been awake at 8 before. in the am, even,. (yes, usually after having been up all night. Thanks for pointing that out. ) % * piraeus wishes he could get back into the shape he was in 10 years ago :) * AB is happy to be in the shape he's in now. . o O (not going there. not going there) . o O (Oh, go ahead. Go there.) . o O (can't do it. self preservation instinct too strong) % * AB attempts to determine why, exactly, matrixx-group.com is flooding postmaster@rcn.com with output for their cron jobs. . o O ( postmaster@matrixx-group.com attempts to determine why, exactly, they never receive the output for their cron jobs. ) * AB nods leaf * AB just called 'em. . o O ( We don't have any Unix boxes except for our DNS server, and it doesn't send out email.) . o O ( On the contrary, I can assure you that it does.) % AB: I'm all out of work to do. * AB notes that there are currently 3113 emails in the abuse queue. * AB struggles to reconcile this with moyet's claim % * shmit gets mail *** shmit is now known as | <|> http://www.cathouse.com/nita/ *** | is now known as shmit Nurg That's not it % I never knew missing children could be so sexy % * fimbul points to http://stations.mp3s.com/stations/44/ the_worst_of_the_worst_ver.html Take. Listen. Weep. warning: do not listen to DJ Nipple. LISTEN! LISTEN! . o O (earworms for everyone!) * shmit ponders putting down The Incorrect Music Hour with Irwin Chud to sample some music that may, in fact, be worse than what he's already listening to. * shmit . o O (Bad music, potentially horrible music) * shmit . o O (Decisions, decisions.) [Time passes] How... How can music be this bad? "I'm Your Woman/Man" is absolutely vomitous. * shmit nods DJ Nipple isn't as bad, but it's close. It's as though a group of special olympians stumbled across a cache of broken instruments in a closet at the asylum. % those are women? dear god Yup. veritable sirens. As in, air-raid % 666 . o O ( 665.9999999 <-- A really close approximation of The Beast ) 7.1944362 <-- Inverse Hyperbolic Cosine of the Beast <- 668 (the neighbor of the beast) . o O ( 672 .. that annoying neighbor down the street that's always letting his kids play in The Beast's yard ) 193 1/2 <-- Not even close to The Beast, but included as an example % * sitzkrieg grabs a pair of black b00ty shortz and does his rendition of "Dancing Queen" * Murple moves sitz's name up to the top of the list of people to shoot when i go postal % Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A: They taste funny. % * AB is asked to write a status message about RCN email being blocked by WebTV. * AB cracks his knuckles and prepares to turn the tide of public opinion against WebTV % . o O ( Due to popular demand of our users, all WebTV boxes now come with the CAPSLOCK KEY STUCK IN THE 'ON' SETTING WE HAVE ALSO REMOVED ALL PUNCTUATION KEYS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ENDING EVERY PARAGRAPH WITH 'LOL' THIS SHOULD MAKE THINGS MUCH MORE CONVENIANT FOR OUR USERS LOL ) % * AB makes a note to ban all Sanrio products from Abuse Central. * AB ensconces himself behind razorwire and machine gun emplacements. ! * meri . o O { * Nyarla disappears in a puff of logic. } * Nyarla quits and moves to the UK to follow the Oysterband from gig to gig We're gonna get Fimbul hooked, too, you know. Okay. * AB rescinds his ban on all Sanrio products from Abuse Central. * AB instead bans all Sanrio products from his personal cube. * AB ensconces himself behind razorwire and machine gun emplacements, etc % $ABUSE NSI with $BUGGERING_TOOL and $BUGGERING_TOOL and $BUGGERING_TOOL and then jump up and down on their remains until they're all squishy. for $i in $BUGGERING_TOOL do; while $RECOGNIZABLE ; do ah... buggeringTools do: [ toolName | NSI abuseWith: toolName ]. % * scottm investigates ways to make his commute suck less. * winter fits scottm for a pair of RocketShoes(tm). Ooh, are they not nifty? Dunno. Chicks dig 'em though. % * madwolf does not consider himself "European". I drive at illegal MPH, getting poor MPG that costs me many pounds, and I drive (mostly) on the left. Dammit. madwolf: We'll EUify you, sooner or later. First, we get you to hate the French (something all proper Europeans do), then we get you to like the Eurovision Song Contest, in secret. susan: well obviously I hate the French. Doesn't everybody? % o|~ "The vegans are coming to kill you, the vegan are coming to town. The vegans are coming to kill you and nobody understands why." * AB becomes more paranoid THANKS A LOT, SUSAN! % "...but who would you rather your kids took as a role model: Crocodile Dundee, David Spade or Tom Green? It is a melancholy milestone in our society when parents pray, 'Please, God, let my child grow up to admire a crocodile rassler,' but there you have it." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles," 4/20/01 % "My best guess is that the "closed-circuit" telecast of [Timothy McVeigh's] execution will be "closed" only long enough for hackers, pirates and thieves to steal and digitize it. Bootleg copies of the video will be available within 24 hours after the execution, no matter what precautions are taken. Some sick soul will try to tape the death right off the closed-circuit screen with a hidden video camera. I say this only because I am melancholy and realistic about human nature. There is money to be made." --Roger Ebert, 4/20/01 % I mean, do marketroids *know* they sound like marketroids? Or is their lack of realization a survival mechanism? % naps are like Garlic You can never have too much? no such thing a too much meri wins although napping in my spagetti sauce is not such a good thing % Glah. Another channel was having a big conversation about pearl jam. Which was bad enough. But then we all realized that the conversation had been going on for like five minutes before we realized we were all spelling it perl jam. % * Nyarla has fond memories of the luser who couldn't believe her husband was carrying on an email flirtation with some AOL user (with large hands and a prominent adam's apple) and wanted us to tell her they'd been hax0red... heh "well, ma'am, there's nothing fishy in the logs, these messages all appear to be direct replies, and given the quoting it really looks like "she" is responding to something that came straight from your account..." "oh, but my husband doesn't know this person! he says so!" *koff* "did you actually READ the mail? like all the bits about how his wife doesn't understand him? or the bits advising "loriluvr" not to mail him at certain times because his wife might be home and see the mail first?" "for that matter, did you notice just how, um, MASCULINE this woman looks?" "ma'am, I rilly rilly think you and your husband need a nice long chat. we're abuse, not marriage counselors. good day." . o O ( We're abuse. Submit, or be gone ) . o O (we're abuse. your marital difficulties are not our concern, save as a source of cheap laughs.) % Dionysus? Izzn't that the greek goddess of harvest or somesuch? nak god of wine. altho' in Shodan's defense he *did* wear women's clothing. Dionysus == Bacchus That's Bacchus Dionysus == Mr. Howell from "Gilligan's Island" % * Nyarla peers suspiciously at a dollar bill with the cryptic inscription "SEE YOU IN TEN YEARS. YOUR HUBBY, GERMS" . o O (alrighty, then.) % * effect bought his first wallet ever today... ... What had you been using before? * meri envisions ziplock bags. lol Or is this the first one you bought on your own? That you hadn't received as a gift or something? no, just some envelope thingie or my checkbook :) * meri blinks some more. Uh. Congratulations! thanks! it's neat! it's leather and has a buncha places to put stuff! [Ed. Note: Did we mention that effect also speaks Klingon?] % !!! the fucking 4004's are cooking up in hmt * Synergist pisses on hmt to cool it down % . o O ( mode +kb !*bleys!* ) I love you, too, outbork }:) tell me you miss me! * outb0rk is too drunk to lie. % So, from what I can gather looking at this site Native American porn is just like regular porn, but with beads % Good lord it's quiet in here. Are the usual cast of RCN insomniacs actually in bed or something? . o O (nothing to see here. move along.) ! she lives! hey! I'm a goth! them's fightin' words! % As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!" --A joke % * Nyarla continues chewing Japanese gum and wondering if she will ever be able to taste anything other than mint ever again % Microsoft went after a lingerie company in the UK. That sells Microsoft bras. The model line is microsoft. And the lingerie company wrote back saying something along the lines of, "If there's product confusion between your products and ours, your users are using one of your products in ways never intended." any bra claiming to be "microsoft" has my attention . o O (Microsoft: For flat-chested chicks.) you've obviously never worn a bra * AB confesses that, no, he hasn't. * meri nods rubia. Truth in advertising would lead to "really uncomfortable with painful straps and owie underwires" bras. ugh.. we could bemoan the pain of bras, but over-the-shoulder- boulder-holders are kinda necessary * AB suspects there is an inverse relationship between "holding power" and "comfort" BreastMauler2000, now with extra barbed wire! AB: Probably. I swear I don't remember them being this uncomfortable a few years back. * meri grins at phrog. Well, I was gonna go with "TittyTwister mark V", but thought it might be crass. So. I didn't how... PC of you yeah. that's our phrog. * phrog <- sensitive new-age guy. Mister Sensitive. the PC king of the universe. He's got all my John Tesh CDs. Do not If I had all your Tesh CD's, I could finish tiling my bathroom. % * AB thinks bagpipes should be used more often in hardcore gangsta rap % At the University of Texas, one of the physics professors would often include bonus questions of a quasi-silly nature on his tests. On one test, he asked the question "What is the speed of light through Jello?" The only student to get credit for answering the question was the one who wrote: "What flavor?" % <-- dork (but you knew that) % From Weird Al Yankovic's "Ask Al" page: Q: Hey Al!!!!! What do u think about Napster? I just want to know if you approve. A: I have very mixed feelings about it. On one hand, Im concerned that the rampant downloading of my copyright-protected material over the Internet is severely eating into my album sales and having a decidedly adverse effect on my career. On the other hand, I can get all the Metallica songs I want for FREE! WOW!!!!! % "Serial Killer Michael Ross receives six death sentences." There's a joke about "overkill" in there somewhere. Who is this guy, anyways? Rasputin? % Gotta love E3 "Here! We have the money to hire large-breasted babes, dress them in skimpy, tight-fitting clothing, and stick them in front of our booth to advertise our games! That means our games MUST be good!" "Why dontcha take that money you're spending on those booth babes and invest it into your games so you don't churn out another stinker like that game you released last year?" % >Since it >might be impossible to determine an abuse contact address without the >RIPE database, you might wish to consider blocking all RIPE traffic >until they get things back in order. Wow. That's the dumbest sounding idea I've heard anywhere in a very long time. Please let us know how it works for you. `~Maynard % "It's comforting to know that, in the event nobody can quite isolate a proper concrete example for the definition of the word 'dolt,' that this individual has manfully stepped forward to fill that void." --Anonymous % *** arcas is now known as _ <_> Tech support: Hello, tech support, may I help you? <_> Customer: (in a thick Russian accent) Yes. Monitor is working fine but has sparks and smoke flying out back? Is okay? <_> Tech support: *blink* *** _ is now known as arcas % "'Battlefield Earth' is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way." ... "I knew I was watching something historic; a movie that will be used as the punch line in bad movie jokes for decades to come." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Battlefield: Earth" % "i have received 2 hack attempts on port 23 from one of your IPs, which my blackICE has detected as a hack attempt" * AB cheers a_uselessly_paranoid_Black_Ice00! % * meri ponders a new term. "Migrantion (n): The headache brought on by working on ISP user migrations." % Reintarnation: To die and come back to life as a hillbilly. % It's quiet in here. TOO quiet. And you know what THAT means. shredder and his band of evil ninjas are about to attack? % I am the Jer what Flops in the Night! % * Nyarla cranks up the annoying French Celtic rap as an offensive weapon against passersby . o O (* passerby drop to the sidewalk, screaming in agony and bleeding from their ears) . o O ( . o O (Excellent)) . o O (another normal weekend at Chez Nyarla) % syn: you got a porn name picked out yet? yea Tic-Tac ah yes, the 1 calorie, less filling p0rn star % * Nyarla is cooking and cleaning and stuff and only wandering by here periodically for fresh horror Damn. All I have is stale horror. % the true geek can geek about anything :-) * Nicolai could have a go at geeking lingerie % * scottm finds his lawnchairs missing. * scromp whistles and surreptitiously points at AB * scottm decides to wait for the sun to get a bit higher in the sky before moving outside. * scromp snickers while scottm installs the mind-control antennae, thinking they're his missing lawn chairs scromp is my friend. long live scromp. all hail scromp. % * AB smirks * AB gets a call from some admin in Oregon wanting real info about a customer who he claims is hacking one of his customers. I respond "Not without a subpoena." He responds "Can you tell me if his name is Ron?" I respond "Not without a subpoena." I then go on to elaborate why we require subpoenas, those reasons being chiefly (A) legal ass-coverage; and (B) protecting our users from cranks. He then proceeded to curse me out, tell me that I was useless, and hang up on me. . o O (See (B) above.) % Wagner was the prototype of the Hollywood producer Hehe "naw, that story won't do, gotta put more sex and violence into it. preferably something perverse." % I'll never be as cool as siva. winter: reach for your goals % [snip huge flamewar about whether or not Americans speak "English"] Hey, if you English are sooooo good, how come you din't come up with the wuzzzzzup! thing? % * scottm needs to figure out somethig to get his wife for their anniversary, and is running out of time... An electric drill press. % [snip discussion of naked attempting to accomplish a minor task] naked: I think you're putting far too much effort into this. but my boss told me to! he says i can't go home till i do it Plus, it keeps him too busy to look for naked pictures of Agnes Moorehead, so we're happy with it. MY EYES % bob: gerbils? gerbils are Syn's favorite sextoy, and a healthy snack! ! Although, one presumes, not in that order. % . o O (And thus does #bofh perform its version of the tradtional "Waltons" ending.) is this where the smoking remains of their house are seen in the sunset, or was that another show ? % One of the things that was hammered into my head this weekend. "There are some things that other people just don't need to know." Like "Nyarla farts in bed" frinstance. (whoops. Was that 'outside voice'?) * Nyarla prepares the pungi stakes % * meri starts to grok Microsoft Project, and loses a few SAN points. That comes from your permanent SAN, too. I was afraid of that. % My twinkie is losing structural integrity % * meri ponders bribing someone with a big car. :) * kurt goes insane . o O ( Neat! Can I use your car? ) % Hrm. * AB stands a spoon straight up in his coffee. . o O (Perhaps a *tad* too much powdered creamer) % I hate hayfever. I feel your pain. I am also out of antihistamines, which is very irritating. hm, perhaps a cow-orker is going near a pharmacy I am car-less at the moment, therefore on bike, and only known pharmacies are some distance off. My drug of choice for allergies is Alka-Seltzer Cold Plus * Nicolai has been through a lot of antihistamines some work, some don't * Nicolai should go see the doc for this year's antihistamine research update * AB secretly replaces Nicolai's antihistamines with some prohistamines. . o O (* Nicolai's sinuses and immune system become a battleground for a vicious civil war between the rebel antihistamines and the leftist, government-backed prohistamine faction.) . o O (Latest news from the front: The rebel antihistimines, armed with an array of weapons smuggled into Nicolai from arms dealers in the Middle East, have managed to gain a small foothold in Nicolai's pancreas.) % * siva wonders where his agent is RIGHT BEHIND YOU! I hope not, I'm still naked and dripping Kick Ass * AB notes, in passing, that "dripping" in this context can take on many values not associated with "freshly bathed" * siva idly notes in response, that he was aware of this, and made the word choice deliberately ;) * AB assumed no less. trolling for the quotes file again ;) % and mail to abuse@cybercable.tm.fr bounces because it is aliased to postmaster which is above mailbox quota helioz: snafu Postmaster with a mail quota? Am I the only one who thinks that that's an at-least-potential selfLART? no am I the only one that thinks it's idiotic? no no. Have i seen it before? yep. heh One thing we don't have is a shortage of idiots. "Idiot prices fell today with the expected announcement from the Fed that there would be no shortage of idiots for the foreseeable future." % You can do amazing things with line printers. I think we're about to get into a really weird buggering area here. Buggery using line printer?! I'll ask $PFY. I caught him caressing a 100bt switch yesterday. Erf, be gentle with that one. He sounds like he's in a delicate state right now. % anyone going to sane next week? koopal: my cow orker, magnus@hi.is will be he's around 45, rather shy, with very thin blond hair and extremely bad complexion grin although I do realize that it will be impossible to recognize him from even a small crowd of european systems administrators from that description % I CAN'T SLEEP IN AS LATE AS 8am. Even if I want to. It's a curse. * siva . o O { called children } % >THOUGHT FOR THE DAY > >Women do not snore, burp, sweat or fart. >Therefore, they must bitch or they will blow up. % if it's a hot day, i can't think of anything more refreshing than an ice cold enema % * shodan gets icqspam "Gamble online with your credit card!" . o O ( ... ) oo.. good idea "Oh, is this your credit card number? YOU LOSE! $5000! " % I find it much easier to be funny while naked. % [snip URL pointing to story about how survivors of the Columbine shooting are suing the software industry] Well, yeah. Of course ID software is responsible. Who do you think should take the blame? Some innocent parties like the parents, or the poor shooters themselves? Next you'll be saying that it's the job of parents to raise their kids not to be monsters. Or even that people are responsible for their own actions! What kind of weak-willed communist bullshit is that? But you think people are morons, though, dontcha? Oh, yeah. % and I was having that dream again where space aliens shaped like giant melons land on the Earth and begin threatening world- leaders with hammers, demanding that we give up Gallagher... % Coffee calls. I can hear it, seductively whispering "Susie, one mug won't hurt you. Go to the Dark Side, you know you want to. Come. Come. We are awaiting you." * leeann giggles *grin* you heard that too :) KH: Yep. doesn't coffee say that to *everyone*? Don't know. I've never heard it talk to anyone else. Hmm, I wonder... Coffee has both a "C" and an "O" in it. They're *obviously* using the OMCLs to talk to us! huh? Orbital Mind Control Lasers. The reason why kooks have tinfoil-lined hats. ah. heh And thus we have an explanation to why sysadmins drink coffee. The coffee uses the OMCLs to talk to the BOFHs, who all are non- tinfoil-hat wearers. orbital mind control coffee... % banks eh? who needs em? erm. oh yeah, we all do. Bah. % Woo. Someone finally bid on the item I'm selling on eBay. I feel so special. . o O (as in "special needs", yeah.) % I do believe the new Minion will fit in nicely. He came up with his own nom de guerre. Erekosë heh Fimbul wanted to name him "Riboflavin" % . o O (for every newsgroup (trn trn trn)) . o O (there is a season (trn trn trn)) * leeann tries to ignore AB % heh, man, corporate is brave 'suggestions for our new headquarters' 'yeah, I'd like to suggest a bomb under every chair with a pushbutton control placed in the MRF noc, every time one of you jackoffs pisses us off, we push the appropriate button, problem solved' % . o O (I asked for FOUR stones! Not none or one or two or three, but FOUR!) . o 0 (Four stones, four cases, Zero stones ZERO CASES!!) s/cases/crates/g ahh..right. :) [Time passes] * sitzkrieg hands sgflynn a s/cases/crates/ lag much? :) AB wis. * AB nods * sitzkrieg makes a note to read the scrollback more carefully. note, however, the lack of typoes. AB wis. note, however, the lack of typoes. ah, fuck. Looks like the usual typos to me. shaddup, you. % i think somehow the bad music virus has crossed cubicles from shmit's computer to phrog's * Murple hears weird rubber ducky sounds and flanged power tools % im a retard, youre a retard, wouldn't you like to be a retard too err whatever % Oh yeah. I've lost weight. * meri cheers. 11 lbs in 3 months. At this rate, I'll be at my target weight sometime in ... 2003. =) * Synergist notices he has gained 11 lbs in 3 months my plan! it works! % *** Sykotic (sykotic@chuck.noc.erols.net) has joined #commies * meri waves syko *** Sykotic (sykotic@chuck.noc.erols.net) Quit (Leaving) ... well done % "i need my wanky wanky time." % * sitzkrieg does a happy (although somewhat silly) "I have a small heater" dance. * AB congratulates sitzkrieg for being secure enough to not be embarassed about his small "heater" % http://www.madsci.org/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/~lynn/jardin/SCG Soft sausages would gladly procreate in the bathwater of your verisimilitude. . o O ( ... ) Okay... * meri points shodan at the url * shodan 's eyes shine with the greed of a misplaced tea strainer, according to this url Come, let me gnaw your fingernails that I may absorb and lose myself in the wise and gritty detritus that is you. A suburban distance lying across your chest, a purpled frock befitting the asphyxiated, cans of lima beans upon your knees, you are truly a goddess of disturbed tranquility! you know, that's highly amusing. I really could fit a suburban distance across my chest. Your Hands do the work of 10,000 highly trained lesbian jumping beans. * fimbul comes to * meri points fimbul at AB's URL. * fimbul rubs eyes "Your raw sensuality flusters me as the dog sneezes into the ventilation fan." YAY!!!!!!!!!! SO FUCKING COOL! People who think like I do! For moyet: You wear your breasts to their full extent, like a man with an uncontrollable bulge in his apartment. Seven donkeys and a concubine cannot compare with the tarnished sheen left in your path of combustion. . o O (* AB inadvertently destroys all RCN productivity for the remainder of the business day.) % *** Torque has quit IRC (Leaving) Why is it I always wanna shout "Man down!" when someone leaves IRC? % * meri is a wristwatch in a world of lumps. % So. Let's pretend that I wanted to install Linux on my spare computer. Any suggested distribution packages? AB: oof. Couldn't you have picked an easier topic? Like, say, abortion? Or politics? Or even editors? % sol7 x86 supposedly doesn't suck. assuming your hardware's supported. * shodan has painful memories of 2.6 x86 * meri nods. * shodan curls up in a ball under his desk * sitzkrieg ran that on a p-200 for about 10 minutes or so. :) * shodan ran it on a 486/66, IIRC . o O ( Yay, it's booting! ... and booting ... and booting... *taptap* Hello? ) % * moyet feels a cold chill run down her spine as she reads, "Ricky Martin to remake Dirty Dancing." % * AB looks over www.themes.org * AB counts numerous dark and goth and moody-type themes. Lotta Geiger themes. Dark. Satanic. Nekkid chix. Space aliens. * AB feigns surprise. % anybody familiar with Ecrix' tape drives? * AB ponders faking it and seeing how far along he can string arcas % too bad MRF doesn't have showers, otherwise it'd be awesome. use the hose out back * kurt thought showers were a really good idea. Especially since curly used to bike to work :) i'd still use the hose you want to shower after curly? good point % * Slarti starts contemplating MIME types for candy. (And if that sort of contemplation seems weird and odd, well, it is, but it sure beats the hell out of what I'm doing now, which should give you an idea of just how sucky my current activities are.) % hah, techsup guy here is betting 50 bucks that he can eat a whole box of grape nuts in under 3 hours for all their annoyances, techsup is pretty damn entertaining at times % a cow-orker once described Internet like: It has two sides, one is the server where the porn comes from and one is the client where you are looking at the porn % *** meri is now known as | <|> In this role you will be the our resident Perl deity, primarily <|> responsible for: <|> o Performing Perl-enabled miracles <|> o The architecture and coding of a wide variety of web & <|> command-line enabled software systems/tools to aid Network <|> Operations, Customer Care and the Development team. <|> o Mentoring mortals on their path towards true Perl <|> enlightenment. *** | is now known as meri heh. Where's that from? A job post on the isp-jobs mailing list. In addition you will be expected to assist in the procurement, maintainence and use of a soft, cushy NERF(or NERF-like) weapons arsenal. (sorry our lease prohibts the use of floods, lightning bolts, plagues, etc.) well, that rules me out. all I do is floods. % * meri gets put on hold with AMEX Travel. * meri continues to sit on hold with amex travel. but someone will be with me shortly. . o O ( Please hold. Your call isn't important to us in the slightest. Someone will be with you shortly, whenever they notice the blinking light on the phone. ) * meri nods. . o O ( s/ shortly, whenever/, if/ ) s/notice/stop playing video games long enough to notice/ Aha! A person! . o O ( Hi! Hi! I-- Please hold. *click* grf!) % * shodan blinks * shodan loads an mp3 * shodan realises about 2 minutes after it starts that he had completely forgotten about it, and never put his headphones on * shodan eyes himself warily . o O ( minimized windows cease to exist in shodan's attention span ) % hey...I don't make policy...I just engineer around it. :) % I just stumbled across the mail from the dude that mailed root looking for tech support, and ended up asking me to date his brother. haha ... *** meri is now known as | <|> I am mailing you again not to annoy you, but to ask if you have a <|> boyfriend.. I'm too young to date you but my brother would be <|>perfect I think.. *** | is now known as meri * AB smirks heh . o O ( I'm not trying to annoy you, but wanna date my brother? Thought you said you /weren't/ trying to annoy me? ) emailing root at an isp to pick up chiXx0rz... why didnt *I* think of that 'cause root@isp is male 99.9% of the time? :) . o O ( Not like, uh, I've tried that or anything. ) * Murple once again is thankful for the cubicle wall separating shodan from self % ./msg sitzkrieg Crap, you better not be hax0ring proftpd. Oops . o O ( * sitz quickly hax0rz proftpd ) . o O ( the internet explodes ) . o O ( Oops. My bad. ) % Jim Henson died 10 years ago wow...he died...around the time 90210 first went on the air. . o O ( coincidence? i think not ) % * Nicolai asks person-who-builds-machines to do stuff. p-w-b-m does other stuff because he thinks what I ask for is nonsensical he doesn't know what I am doing, or why he is so low in the hierarchy he has no idea yet he is changing what I say and doing different without even consulting me fucking little toe-rag % * AB sticks his tongue out at susan and goes "pththththt" * leeann hmphs at ab kids, behave! :) . o O ( If you kids don't stop this right now, I'm turning the Internet around and we're going home.) % . o O (* madwolf crosses the conversational streams with leeann and AB) ab: I know you love it when I non-sequitur really. . o O {better than peeing in the conversational streams} whatever you do, don't cross the streams. bad idea. The guy at the next urinal gets mad at you? could be kinky * AB watches the conversation go squirming off in a new direction like a litter of 4-week old puppies. * leeann watches the conversation piddle off into mumbles . o O (Set conversational gambit to DISRUPT) % co-workers who fetch indian food are to be valued above all others % * AB uses his Awesome Powah(tm) to try and locate a park more convenient to Lexington. * AB comes up empty. Oh well. So much for that. scromp will just have to find some other way to entertain himself on Memorial Day. he might just drink or something Yeah. I just might, at that. or he might just drive up and pinch you on the ass and then turn around and go home % thats my hole. you stay the heck outta there. % . o O ( Yo mamma so skinny, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the.... Er, doh. ) . o O ( This mis-fired joke brought to you by shodan and the letter C ) % * Nyarla idly wonders if she gets butch points for using her Leatherman to trim her cuticles % . . . Interesting covert channel... One of the Domino's Pizzas near Pentagon has been usable as an indicator of "is something major going on". Just prior to the Panama invasion, pizza sales to the pentagon jumped 25%. % hrm, has anyone managed to deliver any mail to yahoo recently ? Try adjusting the phase modulation on the emitter array. Or realligning the optical processors in the plasma cooling ducts. * Nicolai is trying to work out whether yahoo dislikes him particularly, or is just being crap Have you tried reversing the polarity of the neutron flow? Doh! Of course, how could I have forgotten to do that! * Nicolai has realigned the SMTP routing in the mail relay - does that count ? * scottm lends Nicolai a Phase Inducer Could be you need a three-quarter pinkney flange. maybe, but I can't reboot yahoo's mail server. * rw-rw-rw- idly fingers a 5/8ths gripley. % I've been doing OK with qmail's built-in pop3d, but that has the obvious caveat/pre-requisite. WARNING: THIS SOFTWARE PROGRAMMED BY DAN BERNSTEIN. Yeah, that one. % Is it just me, or does anyone else find the phrase "insufficient chunk pools" vaguely amusing, in a junior-high-schoolish sort of way? % truffle shuffle! * scottm eyes scromp warily. You've been drinking from AB's cup again, haven't you? god no I might be quirky but I've no deathwish Eh. My cup is perfectly safe. . o O (IYKWIM) % Hrm. mp3.com is 404 they got taken out by an riaa tactical strike earlier today % Excellent: While doing some room cleaning, found an old, uncashed partial-pay check (actual check, not "This Is Not A Check" direct-deposit stub). $159, covering the month of differential pay between 1-year anniversary @ Forefield, and when I actually managed to have my yearly review. Bogus: Also finding paperwork for one of my college loans, which I'm probably one, hopefully not two, months behind on. Murphic Cosmic Balance: I think getting current on that loan eats up just slightly more than the amount of that check. * scottm hands Slarti a Ying & a Yang. % no clue why, but all the really attractive strippers seem to be swingers You say that as though it were a bad thing. . o O (You like to have sex with chyx as well as d00dz?) . o O (And you like multiple partners?) . o O (I fail to see the negatives in this equation.) % Nothing in this world made me as blasé about hot babes as working in a bar. . o O (* Chix0r leans over and flashes her tits at AB, trying to get a rise) . o O ( Yeah yeah yeah, whaddaya want?) . o O (* Chix0r orders a beer in disappointment.) It's a good thing I had that bartending training, too. Otherwise moyet would have me wrapped around her little finger. =) rofl * moyet laughs. * moyet doesn't have enough little finger for all the guys she has wrapped around hers right now, anyway. ;) * AB nods * AB hopes that most of those guys are in some way useful to Abuse Central . o O (I may be resistant to her wiles, but I'm not above using her wiles on others for the benefit of Abuse Central) . o O ( Moyet, drive up to MBO and work with Joe and Jer on St. Peter. Wear something low cut and revealing.) . o O ( Jer is coming down for a visit. Wear something tight-fitting. Jiggle a lot.) * moyet laughs. % I'd drink more if it wasn't for the massive fear of getting in a car with any of you. Don't think you could fit into my car at the same time as me. % thought i'd spend a quality moment with mrtg. no such thing :) well. prolly not. unless it's like rm -rf mrtg/ % * AB hands shodan a shodanbeer. * shodan drinks the shodanbeer and turns into jim carrey, as portrayed in The Mask * shodan does all sorts of wacky stuff, then wakes up the next day and doesn't remember any of it . o O (* shodan robs a bank in his pajamas) * shodan doesn't have any pajamas . o O ( * shodan robs a bank nekkid ) % * meri pokes AB. meri: POKE_ACK AB: Nebbermind. POKE_RST % * shodan quits RCN and moves to a shack deep in the mountains * shodan suffers from 'net withdrawl in the first five minutes and comes back % Bono on mp3: "Yeah, well, in the 70's the recording industry said home tape recording was destroying the industry, when it was actually just crappy music doing it. And who cares if *I* lose money? I'm overpaid as it is." Isn't Sonny Bono dead? wrong bono dork * AB watches shmit successfully and skillfully troll piraeus % * Nyarla spanks huey Ooh, baby! now, wait a sec Yes? arent you the spank -er? not the spankee? depends on the cointoss % The coffee hits -- the coffee hits -- You start to wake -- The coffee hits -- You wake up! --More-- Do you want a list of lusers killed? (y/n) % The Elite Warez Network: 1.1 million suckers can't be wrong! % i gotta go wait for the gasman * AB eats three burritos and heads to siva's house % * Nicolai only has 15 minutes of morning left then the long dark afternoon of despondency and obstruction by others stretches ahead Followed by the long day's journey into night? no, followed by some DIY, where I can actually accomplish something (can't accomplish anything at work at the moment) then followed by alcoholic recovery at the beer festival % M$ Excel 2000 has a built-in Spy Hunter game ... . o O (and we wonder why M$ products are so damn big) . o O (Microsoft(tm)! Now with TWO kinds of bloat!) % ... The Church of Satan wants us to cancel one of our users. hahaha Because his .sig file links to a website that has (they claim) a version of the Satanic Bible that's been posted to the web in violation of copyright. AB: ask if they can't just summon Satan to do it? * AB thinks Satan prolly can't be bothered with a copyright violation. % whoa, what happened to UUnet last night. * Nicolai would like to say he happened to UUnet, but it's not true % cretinous product marketing people * AB senses a redundancy % * siva "girds" his "loins" and prepares to go do battle with the DMV if i'm not back in 30 minutes, nuke the site from orbit % (And really, what's your big-disked, mailserver-slash- firewall for but to store ripped/mp3'ed CDs?) % ARGH. Bloody fucking lusing Web-dev conslutants! Do they never learn?! Ah, grasshopper, I see you are looking for the Tao, again. % i was in jamaica at the beginning of march i was sippin' dirty bananas in a hottub while you guys were untangling the net =) * piraeus throttles caz % after bare-bonnes connecitivity its there * caz squints at jzp. so we shovely them in/out west coast PIs, etc and they realize savvis sucks then * caz cobbles together jzp-parser.pl % DAMN IT ALL!!!!!!! ! ! . o O ( What, /everything/? That's gonna take some time.. ) % Oh. This is what I like to hear. Me: "So what's the latest on the RCN Commercial AUP?" Them: Them: "Y'know, I don't think I ever got an answer back from the Law Firm we outsourced it to." * shodan wonders why AB is asking giant ants about the commercial AUP . o O ( So what's the latest on the AUP? *chitter* *chitter* *chitter* *scree* *chitter* ... ) * AB decreases shodan's caffeine and sugar intake % * piraeus apparently took 'dumbass pills' this morning % * AB wonders if effect is in da haus * AB --> webby folk [A few minutes pass] * AB returns, noting that the Web Development area is a Vast Wasteland(tm) currently devoid of human life . o O (the ebola fogger must've worked...) % pir, can I go pee? prowler: no % * Nyarla visualizes a HelloKitty ballgag and begins to twitch % * Sykotic just realizes that the new Matchbox 20 cd *finally* came out today... syko likes new music? zork, only recently have I begun to listen to new music. Mostly Creed is my favorite at the moment. must be some sort of midlife crisis thing. * Sykotic moves Kurt up on notch on The List (tm) % Hi. I left you voicemail asking for a stack of at least 100 POs. I thought you were kidding. % someone emailed webmaster a 2.4MB attachment. ... the 2.4MB attachment is a screen shot of a standard apache "500 INternal Server Error" message. * sitzkrieg activates the Neutronic Cannon. They send it as a BMP or a TIFF? bmp morons I hate when people send me stuff as BMP I convert it to jpg and send it back Man, cboss people did that all the time "Here's an enormous bitmap of my high-resolution, highly cluttered desktop! See if you can find the one-line error message!" % * sitzkrieg grars. we are having issues somewhere. * sitzkrieg attempts to be more vague, but finds it diffcult to top that. % * piraeus blinks so I'm playing magewar and this dude sends me a message whining about how I multi-attacked him and now he's got no land, no troops, etc Waah! and I'm thinking to myself 'excellent, then my attempt to crush you worked' last I checked, when it came to games about power, the bottom line is 'kick them when they're down and dance on their bloody corpses' * piraeus could be wrong though so...what did you say to this guy pir? I deleted the message and attacked him 3 more times % penis-pillow.com? * sitzkrieg bought one of those. (not for me, of course) * sitzkrieg koffs. . o O ( For my mom.) % www.naughtypillows.com. * sitzkrieg bought his from penis-pillow.com. it's the same place (note also that the guy who runs it seems to be an RCN customer, although we don't host the domain.) he also signs his email "Dick Johnson." which doesn't even rate a snicker, really. *ROFL* unless you're outb0rk. % Actually, I don't eat that much red meat. Lots of chicken, some fish, red meat every now and then. * AB eats lots of... ...hrm... ...WheelMeat(tm). Oh dear. Dude. Soon, all food will be WheelFood(tm). * AB is building up his resistance. So when the planet's reduced to SoylentFood, you'll be ready? * AB nods * scottly stays away from the green soylent * meri . o O { SoylentPurple! Now with more Barneys! } . o O (WheelFood(tm) is people!) . o O (No, wait. I was mistaken.) . o O (Actually, we're not entirely sure what WheelFood(tm) is.) . o O (It defies compositional analysis.) * AB does a mass spectrogram on WheelFood(tm) * AB gets a completely black strip. . o O (!) % Do a little dance... * matt informs Keyoke that there will be no making love or getting down tonight in #commies Aww. Man, that sucks. Sorry man.. :/ % My parents were married on the day after my father's birthday. My father chose the wedding date. I asked him why he didn't choose his actual birthday. "See, if it were my actual birthday, I'd have to remember *before* my birthday to get the present. Now, your mother tells me happy birthday, and I have all day to get an anniversary present." % * meri belatedly installs sshd and securid on zork's nostrils. . o O ( * zork sneezes, spewing encrypted snotz0r ALL OVER YOU SCREEN!!1!1 ) Ewww. laf . o O ( "zork, decrypt your snot so I can clean my damn monitor already!" ) % 'murple died today, but all is well, we cremated him and snorted his ashes, we'll see you in a week when we come down' % oh well, if someone wants to start an ISP, tell them burning a stack of paper money is a lot less work and the end result is about the same :) % jpayne: In case you didn't know, Young Slarti over there is in the boston.ma.us area, and he's roommates with one of the RCN Developers. That's your "in". *** Slarti (slarti@gallifrey.3d.gweep.net) has joined #bofh AB: no need to summon him :) Heh * AB puts away his +3 Tardis of Slarti Summoning. % I liked Darryl hannah better when she was playing non- humans: Androids, cave women, mermaids, performance artists, lawyers... % *** AB is now known as | <|> We've been getting an awful lot of attempts to connect to WINS services on our network from one or more users on your dialup lines over the last month or so. It might be somebody with a misconfigured client of some sort, but at this point I'd actually like to figure it out. <|> Could someone get back to me please, and I'll send you some logs of the activity? *** | is now known as AB . o O (Why the fuck didn't you just send the logs in the first place?) they didn't want to send you a big lump of data ? Then why are they offering to send the logs at a later date? =) if you ask for the logs, you can supply a sensible destination Pfeh. Quit poking holes in my withering scorn. % I WAS YOUNG AND IMPRESSIONABLE, RUNNING WITH A BAD CROWD THEY STARTED BY TEACHING ME PERL... The perl guys said "the first few lines were free," and I figured "what can it hurt?" before long my perl command lines were taking up multiple lines, and they didn't do anything to me unless i was using operator overloading *and* map *and* highly nested anonymous data structures *sob* % * Slarti just got out of a conference call with some of my cow- orkers... and some of Paine-Webber's lusers^Wtechnical crew. I think I felt the insistent tugging of their cluon-sink, trying to suck my brains out my ears. % nrg Nrg. . o O ( PROTOCOL ESTABLISHED ) % *** kurt (kurt@vertigo.b8zs.net) has joined #commies *** kurt has quit IRC (argh, going to figure out bitchxrc again) *** kurt (kurt@vertigo.b8zs.net) has joined #commies *** kurt (kurt@vertigo.b8zs.net) has left #commies *** kurt (kurt@vertigo.b8zs.net) has joined #commies Kurt, it's your decisiveness we admire the most. % "Hey -- Jon watches porn..." "Hey -- Jon has a y chromosome..." % this sucks ass... storage room is like, 20 feet from frogpit if you cut through the power room. but i gotta carry these boxes & monitors all the way around the bldg. * Murple feels the suXx0r % What manner of man are you that can summon yos without glock or 40? haha * scromp steals Whatcha stealing? that line ... I got it from your fortunes file, g00b oh well now it's in twice! Tard. <-- laffin' shit, that was recent too % I'm in my manic phase. You're all safe. % what? we're moving into Detroit? Gary, Indiana * meri kills AB dead. * AB successfully earworms meri * meri attempts to scour _The Music Man_ out of her head. % * Nyarla starts to make a predictable joke and rejects it as too tasteless even for this crowd . o O (* Nyarla goes to tell fimbul instead) . o O (* fimbul leaves work with more emotional scars than usual) % i like the type of mystical vision that appears between some chicks legs. % "Viruses are really an industry-wide issue," said Scott Culp, program manager for Microsoft's security response center. "They can be written for any platform. They can be written to use a variety of e-mail clients. In this case the virus author chose to target Outlook probably because it gave him better reach. There isn't a security vulnerability in Outlook involved in this at all." --Source unknown % "People ask me 'What does Unix have that Windows doesn't?' My response: 'Twenty years of public code review.'" --David Hankins % "Is your webserver down ? Our happy-admins will cheer it up again!" % "The only job I'll accept that deals with Ascends will involve melting them down and making a sculpture out of them (which they do on their own quite nicely, I'd just be helping the process along). My favorite quote from Ascend: 'Our MAX's smoke, but they don't burn.' Little gem 'o wisdom, that." --David Hankins' Resumé % "The Internet Business Network: 1995, Admin - You probably haven't heard of this company. They stole me from PIXI with the promise of a giant paycheck. They didn't mention it would bounce." --David Hankins' Resumé % Amusingly, M$ Exchange uses some form of X400 for it's internal communications you have a weird concept of "amuse" % "I remember when being a pervert was a bad thing." "If you were warped, you tried to hide it, and good for you if you did. If you were going to polish your rod to autopsy photos or bugger a Shetland pony, you did it in the privacy of your own sick, sad home. No one else, especially not me, had to know, and that was great. The best part was, if you decided to crawl out on the roof and inform the neighborhood via midnight megaphone that being urinated on got you hot, you would be told, in no uncertain terms, how very diseased you were. Most people I know don't have too much trouble distinguishing between a 'lifestyle choice' and a 'warning sign.' Yep, in many parts of the world, the idea of making love to Andy Panda is still regarded as somewhat misguided. Most parts, that is, except 'Furry Fandom.'" ... "'Live and Let Live' is an excellent, tree-hugging philosophy, but it doesn't do much when the ones you refuse to kill are dragging you down with them." ... "Getting your rocks off on lower orders of the animal kingdom is bad enough without your partner being licensed by Disney. Yes indeedy, as we descend just a step deeper into Hell, we stumble across the path of the Plushophile. That's shorthand for 'I find this Meeko doll intensely erotic.' These are the people who use FAO Schwarz as a singles bar. I don't know who decided that this was a valid excuse for a sex life, but he probably still lives in his mother's basement. You don't have to earn a degree in psychology to figure out how thickly laden with sexual dysfunction the very concept of Plushophilia is. How badly was your id stomped on to get you to the point where you would consider wanking with a child's toy? I'm not sure I want to know. But I *DO* know Plushophiles have latched onto Furriness like a swamp leech. When people call furries 'perverts,' THIS is the kind of crap they're talking about." ... "Don't misunderstand me; Werewolves are fun. Role-playing a werewolf? Knock yourself out. Drawing werewolves? E-mail me some pointers, I can't do 'em to save my life. Claiming to BE a werewolf? SEEK HELP. You're not a werewolf. THERE ARE NO WEREWOLVES. Anyone who claims to turn into a giant dog at the whim of a celestial body should be mercilessly ostracized and laughed at with maximum cruelty." ... "And YES, there's even a special breed of nutboys out there who insist a major component of Furriness is the practicing of Veganism. For those of you who don't live in California, that's the total shunning of all animal products. No eggs, no leather, no beef, no fish, no clubbing baby seals until their skulls are soft and dough-like. For reasons beyond my comprehension, THIS sort of self-denial is supposed to put you 'more in touch with your furriness.' God knows how. I've never seen a pride of lions abandon a mule carcass to chase down a fleeing herd of Garden Burgers. Animals have a strange way of mutilating OTHER animals. That's nature, welcome to it. And there's nothing more furry and natural than gnawing some flesh, kids. Human beings are omnivorous, and that means meat. If you don't believe me, fetch yourself a mirror and smile. See those pointy things? Canines. So enough with the tofu and bean sprouts, your Spirit Animals are laughing at you." --Burned Fur Manifesto % "Your teeth are as soft as liquid stones poured from an aquamarine vase of solidifying flesh." --Surrealist Compliment Generator % NAK NAK Who's there? ##$*@_%#@+++ NO CARRIER % * Nicolai finds a comment in a piece of code: # This code is MISSION CRITICAL. Changes may only be made by, or under # the supervision of, Philip Smith, Bill Condliffe, or Tim Goodwin. two of those don't work any more, the other is not in the Operations department any more. % "There are some people over there. And I'd *really* like to set them on fire... But they're too far away!" --George Carlin, musing over what must have been going through the mind of the person who invented the flamethrower % *** scottm has quit IRC (Ping timeout) . o O (* scottm was never seen nor heard from again>) *** scottm (scottm@198.104.1.127) has joined #bofh Doh. % GNOME? KDE? WHAT? Eh? WIN95? Which one doesn't belong? Trick question. They're all bloated and annoying. Hey, that'd make a great troll in comp.os.linux.advocacy. % DAMN ALL PC HARDWARE TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL. PAINFULLY. don't do that, just give me what you don't want % * scromp is experiencing the unique hell of porting complicated code to Linux from NT (which was, in turn, ported from OS/2) that sounds, um, fun. or something I will go with "or something" % Heh. the New Minion sent a warning to some chix0r today for spam. Apparently, she's got a program that automatically adds anybody who sends her email to her spam mailing list. So now she's spamming abuse@rcn.com. * AB notes that this is a profoundly poor move on her part. % * siva makes the troubling realization that one of his new coworkers has an email address of the form adm.@ncc1701d.com % . o O ( Mmm, Concentrated Death(tm) ) . o O ( Now with 15% more Hatred and Bitterness(tm)! ) % gah! * sitzkrieg discovers he's eating moldly bread again. Don't do that, then. well. it's not nearly as bad as the last time. last time there was arguably more mold than bread. % * Murple polishes assault rifle under desk . o O ( So /that's/ what he calls it. ) % mmmmmm krispy kreme * hamlet shudders nasty ass chain fried sugar ! hamlet! i cannot love you, if you cannot love my donut! % * jzp <-- on BA eternalhold . o O ( * jzp picks up his phone and gets a hold recording instead of a dial tone ) ! . o O ( i knew it! a conspiracy! i'm being pre-held! ) % * phrog ponders the 7:00 showing of MI:2 at the merrifield theaters phrog: Trap! MUST! Oh, go ahead then. John Woo, and on a Triumph speed triple... what more is there to life? beer. Damn, right you are. % I mean, you know your film career is on a downhill slide when you end up co-starring with Dennis Rodman % * shmit loves himself. * Flock . o 0 (hope shmit "loves himself" in private) * shmit loves himself whenever he gets the opportunity hehe * shmit looks about the frogpit Hmm Just shodan He wouldn't care * shodan nods and puts his blinders on. Have fun! % I'd rather have someone kick the message into my nads in morse code than read it in notes mail. % * rw-rw-rw- overclocks himself. Steam rises from his ears. "Whoooo!" % Rip off! They're doing the same episode of Pokemon they played last Friday! * Slarti eyes 666 warily. The kids have infected Stephanie, but so far I'm fighting it off. Really. I can give them up any time. % * Nicolai hits another qmail lack of doco problem the same way one tends to hit turds in parisian streets, by stepping in them % Doh. * AB breaks his chair * AB tears the back off a large leather chair. * AB is tough on chairs * AB needs a chair made from a solid titanium block, with all the non-chair bits welded away with a cutting torch. % * pir slaps the person who sends mail to the exim list saying "I want to make exim behave like qmail in these ways [long list of specifications]" they're all perfectly possible, if he'd RTFM has anyone replied with "If you make exim behave like qmail in way, it will fail under circumstances because qmail has ? qmail has no problems :) only in djb's mind, siva danger, siva, danger DAMN THE TORPEDOES FULL ADVOCACY AHEAD * pir snorts % however, I found a piece of haggis in my fridge the other day, and it made me wonder under what circumstances things can get fossilized. see i would have stopped at the part where i found the haggis in my fridge haggis "how the hell did haggis get into my fridge? for that matter, how about my house or my country?" . o O (And next to each recipe in the Scottish Cookbook is a small antidote.) I see that on cartoons siva: icelandic haggis. it's very similar to the scottish one, except that it has a better flavour and texture. illegal use of haggis, in violation of the geneva convention * siva seizes this haggis for cuba didn't hussein supposedly have caches of haggis around the country? Not after the U.N. inspectors found them. % Woe to you, O Scott and M, for the 'burner sends his minions with wroth, for he knows the time is short. And stuff. % [Nyarla and moyet discuss a concert they attended earlier in the evening] * Nyarla wonders when her ears will stop ringing (speaking of noise) hey, at least we don't have to ignore the asshole anymore. * Nyarla rilly wished she'd been wearing her stilletto boots, so she could have stepped on his feet a few times... . o O ( ow ) * moyet nods. . o O (you're old and ugly and skeezy. most of the girls here are half your age, and queer. give up already.) % net bugger /target="Solomon Software" /probe="Paul Bunyan's Golf Clubs" /repeat=0 /reason="Timekeeper sucks morbid pus from the anal lesions of syphalitic camels" /lubricant="thermite" Your continued fascination with this net.exe theme is worrisome. % ... moyet: You're at home? * moyet nods. Oh dear. That means Erekose is at werk by hisself. * moyet told you yesterday and day afore that she was taking today off. driving up to philly this afternoon..... You don't expect me to remember these things, do you? not really. *snrk* % For the interested among you: http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=00/05/26/1251220&mode= nocomment Lars Ulrich responds to Slashdot readers. wow * hamlet reads this guy is such an infected zit on the face of musicians everywhere % chuck d vs. lars debating online music EXPN Chuck D Chuck.D@public-enemy.com 220 yo, it's chuck.d % Nyarla: How was EAM#5 dealing with being the only abuse staff there this morning. =) Aside from running around naked for an hour? yeah. % * AB hands sitzkrieg a picture of shodan as Frank N. Furter in the stage production of Rocky Horror. hrm. * Nyarla shrieks and hides under her desk * sitzkrieg opens his skull, removes his brane, locates the visual cortex, and pounds it into oblivion with AB's left foot. ! * AB has sitzbrane all over his sh00 hey, gonna eat that? % * scottm notes that his houshold is a nielsen family. We're trying to offset the morons, but it's damned hard work. % "We're on target to miss our corporate projections. We must work with a sense of urgency to achieve our goals." * AB leverages arcas's synergies. % fucking bleh siva: we regard your current activities as your own private concern. % [meri does a quick favor for hamlet and looks up some info] meri you are golden it's the glow from all the monitor radiation % * kurt opens and prepares to eat the Sandwich of Dubious Age(tm) % * AB reads kurt's status announcement about news, and wonders if kurt is ever tempted to put "We are working diligently to resume your flow of pr0n. Thank you." heheheh AB: yes, very tempted, quite often. along with the "Shit's broke." status post. % AB: you check out www.kimmierocks.com too? ;) * Nyarla didn't think women like that still existed outside of old Whitesnake videos... % Doh. * AB forgot that he had an auction he wanted to bid on. . o O (The perils of bidsniping when you have a short attention span are without number) % * AB found out today that Mailboxes, Etc will box and ship anything you bring them. . o O ( * AB brings shrew to Mailboxes, Etc. ) . o O ( Can you ship this to Albania?) . o O ( MMmmMF! RRmmmMMRF!) . o O ( Erm. What is it, exactly?) . o O (* AB kicks the box) . o O ( Nothing. An experimental toy I've developed.) % --> nyarlawandersoffinsearchofcoldbeverage.com <-- nyarlacomesbackgrumblingoveradistinctlackofcider.com % *** AB is now known as | <|> Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 00:46:00 -0400 <|> To: aburner@erols.com <|> From: m1268@rconnect.com () <|> Subject: Your not a real atheist, Sorry! <|> <|> New_Message: May I use the same logic and refer to the tooth fairy. <|> Please don't describe yourself as an atheist if you <|> use such outdated and convoluted arguments. *** | is now known as AB . o O (Erm. Yeah, whatever. Thank you for your cogent and brilliantly constructed rebuttal.) % . o O ( When There Is a Grown Man in a Sailor Moon Outfit, It's Time to go Home. ) % "Kid Niki: Radical Ninja" . o O (Boy, if that name doesn't encapsulate the '80s...) % "Uh oh! Mynocks! Chewing on the power cab*&$@#(@&$#**** NO CARRIER % what's another word for disembarking wrt to getting off planes? deplaning any others? "exit the plane" =) debark "explosive decompression" % The most interesting mail about the company party... "Bra found, reclaimable for a description in the reception". % FUCK NSI, THE IANA, and the IETF WITH A CRISSTHREADED MASONRY DRILL AND TWENTY FEET OF RUSTED HAWSERS. If I had written an SF novel back in 1970 with this crap in it it'd never get published. Any sane editor would think I was blowing any attempt at suspension of disbelief just by describing something half this stupid. % blink * shodan hears a metallic belch Like a speak-n-spell is having digestive difficulties or something % I'M GETTING INTERNET ADS ON MY BANANAS! % [AB reads the description of a video game on www.klov.com] *** AB is now known as | <|> Dr. Clayborn and his henchmen have taken control of the city. Commissioner Gordon (no, this is not Batman) made one last call for help and contacted three of New York's Finest undercover cops: Bubba, an ex-professional football player; Flame, a former Miss America; and Claude, a retired philosophy teacher. They must fight every henchman and vanquish Dr.Clayborn and all his accomplices in order to restore law and order to the city. *** | is now known as AB . o O (Yeah, when the Evil Dr. Clayborn takes over MY city, I want a former Miss America and a retired philosophy teacher there to teach him a lesson he won't soon forget.) % "TRIP TO THE STARS! TRY IT NOW! YOU GET A LOT OF THRILL!" --Prehistoric forerunner of the "All Your Base" stuff, from the 1980 Coin-Op arcade game "Moon Cresta" % * moyet attempts to drink her easy cheese instead of her coke. Cheese drinker. is there some type of support group I should be going to for this? alt.support.cheese.imbibing % * moyet kills fimbul dead. * AB hires fimbul's replacement * fimbul mourns himself . o O (I was so young) it's ok though. this is really just a video game. just hit the reset button. Moyet: nah, then I'd have to go through that level with all the highschool students again. % The Dominos web site tells me the closest Dominos to me is in Hudson, NH.... 27 miles away. sucks2bu. sitz, there are many closer than that Prowler: I don't believe you. * sitzkrieg grabs Prowler. THE WEB HAS SPOKEN! DOUBT NOT THE WEB, MORTAL! % * AB was wandering past the ky00b of the HR liason. She had a bluescreen filled with memory locations. Looked like NT had dumped core or something. So I told her to reboot. She said "I tried that already. I'll try again." And she turned off her monitor. Then she turned it back on. And said "See? Nothing happened?" % TNT or TBS or someone has a house-made movie about Mardi Gras. And some huge horrible thing that happens "under the streets of New Orleans". These people have never actually *been* to New Orleans, right? "Under the streets of New Orleans" == "water table". % Fuck. I read this book, and all through the book the buggers are dropping BROAD hints that the "magic" in the book is science. And at the end, it turns out it was really magic. And I'd even "figured it out". I hate that. And I hate how it takes NSI two and a half days to process a domain request. Nice segue. % Aahh! Skinless cow! AIIEEEEEE!!! its butt is full of motor! % * Murple tries to rearrange lights so as to not have the constant impression of working in a gestapo interrogation chamber % Grf. People that want me to pay them money should include an envelope. * fimbul sends Meri an envelope. % *** Murple has quit IRC (Ping timeout) [10 minutes or so go by] *** Murple (murple@murple-test.noc.erols.net) has joined #commies So the anti-murple-net device that I've deployed should be... Oh, hi! * phrog wanders over to Murple's desk. Murple's net magikly returns * shmit eyes phrog warily * shmit points phrog at his b0rken car. Go! Fix! phrine, he who makes electrons tremble in fear % * shodan imagines, somewhere in scandanavia, there's a furniture factory, and a tall woman factory s/imagines/fantizes about? Nah, furniture only really plays minor roles in my fantasies you need different furniture % * shodan blinks fvwm won't switch desktops with numlock on. . o O ( There's a new one ) * hamlet hands shodan enlightenment heh * shodan is only running fvwm 'cause I've got like, no ram. Enlightenment is an enormous step^Wleap in the wrong direction :) % Hmm, would zen-irc work on windoze98 emacs? Go no further, Gorgon. You risk not only your own sanity but that of your fellow BOFHs as well. % Man. The Valley is stupidly expensive. less so than manhattan :) Yeah, but when's the last time you heard about a manhattan police officer who needed assisted housing? I figure they commute Sure. I challenge you to commute to the valley. right, the valley is stupid in other ways, too let it never be said that I defended SoCal in any way, shape, or form % Oh, any wireless phone providers to avoid? the sucky ones? * scottm slaps self in forhead. Of course! % man, I *hate* it when ugly code works. it's just offensive, and all the really cool ways you tried first get all pissed off at you for even *thinking* of trying it the ugly way. and yet, there's the ugly way, thumbing it's nose at the lot of us. % * sitzkrieg -> crash WATCH OUT FOR THE DIVIDING ROAD d00d. I'm at home. I knew that.. * sitzkrieg crosses the hall to his bedroom and slams into a median strip. . o O ( damn you kregars. ) % * Murple made the mistake of going to a reggae show with justin & Synergist someday someone should tell me what happened that night % * shmit . o O (Whos' bringing the drugs?) shmit, if you don't have your OWN drugs, well. Don't need drugs. We'll just lick Murple. Maybe *you* can lick murple Mmm.. MurpleJuice. ! * Murple hides under desk % * outb0rk hates the fact that the pointer on this b0x decides to randomly move across the screen when I'm not using the mouse. Oh, that would be me * shodan stops using his Remote Pointer Manipulation powers % * AB phears his job sometimes. Email to abuse with the subject "WANT TO SEE COEDS PEE?" . o O (Erm. Not really, thanks.) * Bunny wants to see coeds pee on the marketing dept % Hm, taco bell has neglected to provide any napkins . o O ( For this they shall pay, and pay dearly. The rivers shall run red with the blood of... Oop, nevermind, found 'em. ) % Description of a videogame named RODLAND: "Two cute fairies must use their rods to catch the enemies and then slam them around on their way to the castle." . o O (...) % * jpayne was drinking with some students that finished their last exam last night * jpayne . o O ( I'm NOT too old for this shit ) . o O {we're just too old to do very much of it} % arcas: no shockwave on aix Click here to download annoying plug-in. See, jp, that's a *benefit* to AIX. its about the only one % Best things *I've* got from vendors lately are a set of ben-wa balls and a riding crop. % * shodan peers at a banner ad. "Enter your email address, you may WIN!" . o O ( Win what? Spam? ) % . o O ( kill -SIGSIG sputnik ) % so...I was putting some pesticide powder on the garden this evening when the wind suddenly changed direction and blew some of the dust in my face Have you started shrinking yet? % if I was forming a Rock band today, I would call it Parental Advisory and then I would call the first album Explicit Content ... % naked: you ever sleep? yeah, i was with your wife when you were up here in MBO *runs away* cool pay any of her bills for me? nope, she payed me you that good eh? She paid him to grout her tile, maybe. % * AB hands fimbul the Queen tribute CD he just got, with Lemmy and Ted Nugent doing a cover of "Tie Your Mother Down" * fimbul gawks at AB. That might be.... Awful. fimbul: It is. The guitar work is spiff, but Lemmy's singing isn't really cut out for Queen-esque power ballads. * fimbul shudders * Prowler tries to imagine Freddy Mercury with a sore throat after gargling a gallon of kerosene to attempt to get close to the effect of Lemmy singing "Tie Your Mother Down" % "Yes indeedy, as we descend just a step deeper into Hell, we stumble across the path of the Plushophile." * Nyarla wants to buy a drink for these folks at burnedfur I don't remember that section of Dante's Inferno.. Jer: I believe it's the Seventh circle of Hell: Sins of the Plush. Or something. ok, I'll buy that.. * Nyarla smacks fimbul for punning Nyarla: punning? Me? yes, punning. we'll force you to reenact the Battle of the Bolgia *groan* Are you Dissing me? * Nyarla groans Yeah, that was one Hell of a pun. (the rest of #commies goes 'wha?') . o o (we're Beatrice!) Heh. I was actually dating a woman named Beatrice when I was studying Dante. It was sick. * Nyarla twitches . o O (what an infernal coincidence) Yeah, but we broke up. We just kept going in circles. . o O (Note to self: Fire fimbul) . o O (and then you started listening to a lot of old Styx records...) * Nyarla waits to get fired too Great. Well, it's back to peddling my ass. I canto think of anything to say, otherwise, I'd go out on a limbo.. . o O (Only in my department would two employees engage in a round of puns based on "Dante's Inferno.") % Shodan: ever see Man Bites Dog? n0pe Movie about this serial killer what gets followed around by a film crew. Everytime I see a cameraman, I get a little nervous... Apparently, I don't separate fiction from life too well these days. % are the bofh.net nameservers both offline ? nicolai: from here it appears so. * Nicolai mutters about domains with two adjacent nameservers. * pdh . o O ( what kind of BOFH only has two nameservers, both on the same subnet? ) that was the substance of my mutterings, yes % * Murple feels stomach rebelling against lunch perhaps those last few greedy bites were unwise * Murple raises blast shields around cubicle % * jzp baps shodan * shodan falls over and goes through a lengthy, gruesome death animation, spraying blood globules and the text "BONUS POINTS" everywhere % awww-yeah ! Hi. aww-what? sigh, mischan don't make me kill you no, i'm the ircop, you're the irc-luser ;) no no, I mean *kill* i kill you, you don't kill me i live in the ghetto, come get me ;) I know tai kwon do!! sorta! actually not really at all, I've only had maybe a total of 4 lessons in my life, but I can fake it well. i outweigh you by a lot and will stomp on your head :) fuck * siva gutslaps scromp back into Kansas % netscape is far too stable. I wish it would crash more often. It keeps lulling me into the belief that its professionally developed software. I hate that. % Sh33p! Sh33p! Sh33p! Sh33p! you still have the sh33p? Many fury Sheep --> dream of sh33p *** Synergist is now known as Syn_Sh33p % Bah. When I call spg.va, get the receptionist, and ask to speak to , all I really want to do is speak to . What I *don't* want to do is hear the latest activities of the receptionist. move out of the south ... How will that fix the problem? [insert typical beware-what-you-wish-for parable] s/chatty but nice/rude bastids/ The problem is that spg.va's chatty receptionist thinks she's everybody's friend, and thinks that we all want to be kept abreast of her latest doings. =) . o O ( Can I speak to Talbert please?) . o O ( Sure. Is this AB?) . o O ( Yep.) . o O ( Hey, guess what I'm doing?!? I'm going to tech support! And after that, I think I'm gonna try out for Abuse!) . o O ( Great. Can I talk to Talbert now?) "Hey, guess what I'm doing?!? I'm trying to reach Talbert on the phone!" "why not do your current job and switch my call?" "why? are they replacing you with a slightly-less-annoying-than- you voicemenu system?" "when you get to abuse, I'll recall all the time you wasted chatting to callers. What was your last name again?" "can you give me talbert's direct number, too, so i don't have to call you again?" "can I bridge in Joe? he'd like to hear what an utter git you are." etc etc % "In other news, I imbibed a bit of hot sauce that was obviously pure HCL. I think my brane melted and ran down the back of my throat. I think my stomach acids are now recoiling in fear and paying homage to a higher intelligence. When I hiccup, I have to aim away from bare skin. I would rather tongue-kiss a drunken penguin with herring breath, eat scab and chocolate chip cookies, see Bea Arthur naked, and pour molten glass in my navel than defecate within the next 24 hours. If we could just pour one glass of this on each spammer, we'd win for sure. They'd shrivel and die. Horribly. Like a spider writhing in neurotoxins." "I'm off to try to salvage the sizzling stump of my tongue. I hope the science of prosthetics has improved markedly since last I paid attention." --Fimbulvetr, excerpt from 04/30/01 shift report % * meri grabs phrog. happy birthday! pigpile on phil! Eeep! Just remember how brittle my bones are. whatchoo doing for your birthday? hrm. Sittting here at work, smoking crack. Just like every other day, I guess. % * meri calls a bookstore, asking if they have a book in stock. I give them an ISBN. "Um. That book doesn't exist." Then I realized I gave them someone's cell phone number. % . o O ( we've secretly replaced sendmail with a tetris clone for minix. let's see what happens! ) oo, tetris gee this doesn't look like my normal send mail . o O ( echo "stuff" | sendmail ) . o O ( Hey... why is my email dropping down my screen a word at a time? ) % AB: "Can I have your User ID please?" Customer: "I don't have one. I'm stealing the account." AB: "Okay, what seems to be the problem?" Customer: "Why is your service so fucking slow today?" AB: "Probably because you're stealing the account." --An actual conversation between AB and a customer, back in the dark ages when AB was still doing Tech Support % no way that's goin in my mouth % "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damned fool about it." --Source unknown % "Lying for the Lord is okay." --1st Rule of Scientific Creationism % "Always maintain the illusion that you are NOT using other creationist literature to support your own." --2nd Rule of Scientific Creationism % "I'm so good I wish I was you, just so I could wish I was me!" --Source unknown % I want to change my name to Ia Cthulhu Fhtagn . o O ( someone calls outb0rk by his new name ) . o O ( a 12th level demon gates in and devours the speaker. ) % * u-ben checks his pulse . o O (Finding none, u-ben falls over.) % Tech Support Motto: "We're not here to help you solve your problem. We're here to get you off our phones and keep you from calling back. We will put forth only the minimum effort to achieve this goal, and if it doesn't include solving your problem, thems the breaks." AB, not when I did tech support damnit!!!! yeah! when seth was in tech support they just hung up on customers "we're in the middle of a quake game, fucko." % * sitzkrieg begins warmup procedures on the neotron cannon. . o O ( neotron? ) * sitzkrieg nods. It fires a guy that looks like keaneu reeves dressed in a glowing blue outfit at hyperlight velocities. % * Synergist moshes in a thong for sitz yeeg. do a little dance.. make a little love.. get down tonight.. get down tonight.. * sitzkrieg jams anthrax-laden pencils in his eyes. * shrew goes blind . o O ( ipfwadm -I -a reject -p imagery -S syn -D shodan ) % ${registrar} claims that I am required to give an A record for the out-of-zone NS, and I don't believe I am. they are incorrect in fact, you are authorized to take a dried horsecock and smack them about the head for saying that [time passes] well, i've escalated from what I assume was level 0 support to level 1, who has escalated to level 2 and I should hear back RSN... god i would be killing them right about now "THIS IS HOW THE INTERNET WORKS, YOU TWITS." % caffeine != sheep ;) i'll bet you thought i'd forgotten ;) % [rubia and AB, in true geek fashion, are IRCing while in the same house. AB hears rubia scream...] ! What did you just yell? EEWWWW THERE'S A BIG BUG ON THE WALL So kill it already. So save me already. * AB saves rubia as rubia.jpg % madwolf: For one thing, (oh, good, there is a doctype declaration on there): validator.w3.org says, no such attribute TOPMARGIN (found in ) Overall, the page looks fairly neat, though the layout- table is, overall, a bad idea, particularly as the graphics you have in said table forces the table to take up a certain minimum width, which can easily be more than what one's browser may be set to. Result: Lack of proper reflow of content, and thus having to left- right scroll to see everything. (Left-right scroll is bad, and should be avoided whenever possible.) BEWARE: HTML PURIST DETECTED oh, that's what you asked for. nevermind. * scromp goes to defcon 2 anyway % I wanna see Sealand prove to be a nuclear power, just for the weirdness factor. % "How about you go outside and play a game of hide and go fuck yourself" % sales guys love to say 'scalable OC3 pipe to the internet', i bet they say it in the morning in the mirror when they're flossing. % "Helped Torque hunt our whack-a-mole. I cannot tell you how much I want to see this guy hurt. I want to do things to him that would make Dante, Vlad the Dragon, and a host of Inquisitors wince and then say, 'Wow! Wish *I*'d thought of that!' in awed tones." --Fimbulvetr, excerpt from 01/28/01 shift report % DDispatch: find ananias and ask him if we can reclaim our stuff from ipt.ct KaptnJack: may be easier to ask a small child about atom splicing % That's what I get for working. While the rest of you slackers... dude! i work! * Murple quickly opens a term window on a server and does an "ls" to prove it . o O ( That's the neat thing about hanging around on irc all day; all this typing looks like 'work' ) :) you need typing.mp3 played on a loop works for me. then i can just sorta stare into space and rest my hands on the keyboard There we go. Set that up, and with a cardboard shodan here, I don't even need to show up! . o O ( * shodan writes a perl script to write perl scripts for him ) i need to write a script that just randomly downloads code from cpan and scrolls it through a vi looking window... i can run that with typing.mp3, then i can sit here in a coma and itll look like im working except i think if it looked like it was working, people would suspect something was wrong. damn. i need a way to look like im pretending to goof off, so people think im working, so i can goof off hmmm. i think i just broke a brane crystal thinking that. * phrog peers at his minions. Rule #1: Don't plot in public Oh. Oop. % . o O (Dear Public: Since more of you are mad than are not, we at RCN have chosen to ignore your piteous whinings. If you have an opinion you feel is worth sharing, go spray paint it on the side of 105 Carnegie Center in Princeton, NJ. Remember, "i" before "e" except afer c, and "your" is possessive, you slope-browed, knuckle- dragging cretinous sacks of dung. Love, Abuse) % Fuck doom. I want Zork-3D. * AB envisions hy00ge 3-D polygonal letters reading "You are standing west of a white house. There is a small mailbox here." % blinkenlights belong on the front. cables and ports belong on the back. this allows you to maximize the impressiveness of your equipment to investors and whatnot when you have glass doors on your rack cabinets. % You Swedes are perfidous! Nononono. We are kind and honest and [checks time] wouldn't have a flight of fighters closing on your house just about *now*, would we? We're also quite good at inspiring phear. ;) * AB is in his basement. * AB phears not your puny Swedish Air Force. * AB scrambles the Mexican Air Force just to be on the safe side, though. % ya know, being a dad is just like being a Dom Erm. well, without the sex and cool toys % [AB and scromp discuss Enlightenment] I actually am running it right now BUT . o O ( I know what I'm doing!) . o O ( I am a trained professional admin. This is an enclosed stunt server.) % I only get bitter when I try to compile gnome % scromp, my friend... Someday... ...we will go drinking together. It must happen. And then we'll discover that, as much as we get along in IRC, we can't stand each other in Real Life(tm). % What is this "Retief" and "Magnan"? * AB points Prowler at http://www.erols.com/aburner/personal.html So "characters from a really cool series of books" :) For some value of "cool" I suppose. heh If they were really cool, they'd be more popular and you wouldn't have had to ask me who they were. =) % * AB hands shodan a 72" screen * AB hands shodan a 72" screen with Enlightenment * AB hands shodan a 72" screen with Enlightenment and some RAM You forgot the piano :) * AB hands shodan a 72" screen with Enlightenment and some RAM and a piano And some dinner * AB hands shodan a 72" screen with Enlightenment and some RAM and a piano and some dinner yay! And a million dollars * AB hands shodan a 72" screen with Enlightenment and some RAM and a piano and some dinner and $2.38 Doh! Feh, figured your resources would run out eventually :) % * shodan gets a spam with no actual message . o O ( Tards ) Although amusingly enough, the subject is "Secret Gamer" . o O ( Guess it rilly /is/ a secret ) % How bored to you have to be to move someone else's condoms? % * Nyarla grooves to Johnny Clegg and dances around the room with the dog (he's got two left feet, but isn't too bad otherwise...) budum-tisch % my daughter found a sharpie while we weren't looking * piraeus & heh. btdt. uh...and I get to look forward to it. two words, duct tape doesn't leave marks like other tapes do you do have to remove it when you have visitors else they may get suspicious well, right; that's why i say, it doesn't leave marks when you yank it off quickly ducttape.. the babysitter of champions % [snip discussion of meri's attempts to buy a particular camera before an upcoming trip to Hawaii] meri, The Shopper/Hunter, moves into action, gliding sinuously through the reeds, eyes fixed on her prey.. % can you say colspan=1000 even if there are only like 3 cols to span? * zork tries. . o O ( * zork 's browser expands to the size of fairfax, blowing a hole in the side of his monitor, the building, punching through 14 cars, and finally stops somewhere near maryland. ) % Ok. Gonna go investigate food options in the fridge. . o O ( * meri opens the fridge ) . o O ( * meri sees a vast desolate landscape, with enormous bonfires, and an odd triangular building in the distance ) . o O ( ZUUL! ) . o O ( Hm. Should clean this thing out more often. ) % * shmit shurgs shodan. * shodan feels a slight.. erm... . o O ( Hey, listen you! ) * shmit . o O (Whaddaya you want?) . o O ( Nothin; I just like to say "Hey, listen you!" ) * shmit . o O (Bah. Got me all worked up for nothing.) % jzp's kinda small doesn't mean that walking around with him in my rectum would be any less tricky, however. % one of my most twisted fantasies is to have the complete ten-gazillion-volume dead tree version of the OED. man, that'd be neet lotsa clams. . o O (I'd throw 'em all on the floor and strip naked and roll around moaning incoherently about detailed etymologies) ! * caz starts a fund. % CFV: comp.lang.smalltalk.advocacy. $DEITY-HELP-US % This coffee is made of equal parts evil, pig nostril whiskers, and uranium mine tailings. % * phrog snerks at snail mail from Chevy Chase Bank Apparently, the online banking service wll be unavaliable for the next few weeks due to "the apparent financial failure of our third party ISP" % * sitzkrieg debugs mrtg. this is a job that calls for... (drumroll) ...heavy drugs! (too bad I don't have any) % [shodan comes up for air after an all-nighter playing Asheron's Call] * shodan peers at the clock * shodan peers at AC * shodan shakes his phist at the sky . o O ( * shodan plays AC ) . o O ( * shodan hears various bird-chirping noises as he runs around in the wilderness ) . o O ( It slowly dawns on shodan that these are not game sound effects, but actual birds waking up outside his window ) % I wish I had zipped up some examples of what I did at my previous job.. * meri . o O { When I was a porn star. } % * AB notes that 1st Degree Black Belts in Karate are called "Shodans" well, each degree is a Dan, and the first is Shodan. It generally refers to the lowest grade or degree of anything. Not just martial arts. <-- lowest grade or degree of anything. yay! . o O ( I halfheartedly strive to barely qualify! ) % "The purpose of Aikido is to train mind and body and to produce sincere, earnest people. Since all the techniques are to be transmitted person-to-person, do not randomly reveal them to others, for this might lead to their being used by hoodlums." --Sensei Morihei Ueshiba, founder of Aikido % From the founder of Aikido: "Aiki is not a technique to fight with or defeat the enemy. It is the way to reconcile to world and make human beings one family." * AB eyes Steven Seagal warily "Aikido is the realization of love." * AB rents a bunch of Steven Seagal movies and looks for the love. % * meri realizes she has a book put together by The Klingon Language Institute. * fimbul applauds the fine work of the KLI. . o O (weirdos) * meri loans fimbul her copy of Hamlet. In Klingon. ! *nod* Why... NM. I don't wanna know. * fimbul imagines _Waiting for Godot_ in Klingon. It both amused and terrified me. And therefore had to be purchased. Oh! You weren't at work on Thursday! Nope. Should I have been? You missed the Grimmy condoms and the Hello Kitty sanitary pads. =) Sweet. Baby. Jesus. I will never been clean again. I try. Hello Kitty Pads = dirty and wrong. There are some places the Great Mouthless One need never go.... % gack * dizzydog is finished yardwork for the day. Lord, I have sinned. Not only did I physically exert myself, I also came into contact with sunlight, enough to visibly effect me. % Note to self. Do not rub eyes right after picking peppers. Or take a piss. Or engage in heavy petting with the Missus. . o O (Unless, of course, she's into a little pain with her pleasure.) You have experience with this? * AB refrains from oversharing. . o O (For a change.) % CAUTION: JEDI DUELLING AREA Narrow Walkways and Large Bottomless Pits with No Railings Ahead No One Without A Lightsaber Beyond This Point. % Yeah, but if I don't go every time I don't want to, I won't ever go. =) % turtle porn... neato % "For example, the art of Shindo Muso Ryu Jodo is probably hard to beat if you have to fight a traditional Japanese swordsman while armed with only a stick. But few people find themselves in that situation these days." --From the rec.martial-arts FAQ, addressing the perrenial question "Which Martial Art is the best?" % * sitzkrieg peers at the non-ps/2 keyboard connector (male). * sitzkrieg peers at the non-ps/2->ps/2 keyboard adapter (male). * sitzkrieg makes "go together" motions with his hands, and is arrested for non-missionary keyboard juncturing. % * AB <-- m0 yard * AB --> pass out from heat exhaustion * AB notes that it's 95F outside * AB notes that m0ing the yard in a black shirt and black shorts was, perhaps, an idea of dubious merit % "Dear folks. The primary purpose of Usenet is to transfer pr0n, warez, and mp3s. 90% or more of which is in violation of copyright. If you are still having issues adjusting to this basic and irrefutable fact, perhaps you should participate on that *other* Internet (i.e. the one that doesn't allow pr0n). Thank you and have a nice day. Love, Abuse." % Anyone who says Xianity isn't sanctioned mindcontrol needs to join a church for a bit. Not a Catholic church, mind you. A Protestant church. Depends on the flavor of Protestantism. My fambly's Episcopalian. Mortal sins are things like setting the table with the fork on the right... *laf* and wearing white after labor day? ;) Yup. I've seen folks answer their cell phones in Church. . o O ("Hey, can I call you back? God's on the other line.") % "1940: Hundreds of English witches gather in the New Forest to send Adolf Hitler the telepathic message, 'You cannot cross the sea.' According to Gerald B. Gardner, an English warlock who also wrote a noted book on krisses and other Malay weapons, the gratifying results of the Battle of Britain were proof of the continuing power of English sorcery." ... "1969: After deciding to admit women undergraduates, Yale University stops requiring (not allowing, requiring) swimmers in the University pool to swim nude." ... "1976: Mel Tappan, a former investment banker turned survivalist, publishes Survival Guns, the most thorough look at defensive firearm selection produced to date. Nevertheless, neither the advice, the money, nor the arsenal ultimately did Tappan any good, as his death in 1980 at the age of 47 was owed to congestive heart failure rather than hordes of crazed San Franciscans storming Rogue River, Oregon." --Excerpts from "Kronos: A Chronological History of the Martial Arts and Combative Sports (http://ejmas.com/kronos) % TALK COBOL TO ME, BABY. % I've heard of this "getting enough sleep" business, but who as time for that? 666: I have a 35 hour working week And a new bike. You suck. % "Smashed [multiple accounts of the whack-a-mole spammer] with Fimbul. Grunt. Double grunt. Must get these visions of [the spammer] in prison getting raped with the license plate press out of my head. Revenge fantasies lowering productivity." --Torquemada, excerpt from 2/12/01 shift report % * shodan blinks as some random d00d on icq asks me about perl and databases He musta stumbled across your website. "Hi! I'm shodan! Here's my ICQ number! But don't use it or anything, 'cause I don't like that!" * shodan nods Initial icq message was simply "Hi!" Egad. What a shrewd conversational gambit % * sitzkrieg ponders rewriting this whole SQL script in shell script. . o O ( 18 days later, sitz emerges from his room, his hair gone completely white. fbbabfbabfbkbafkbb...... ) % There's a page on mame.dk for "Super Bond" * AB goes to the page and gets stuck. . o O (Doh!) % [phrog and AB fool around with MAME, the Arcade game emulator] Ok, I have more than enough NeoGeo images to keep me busy. phrog: What all didja get? "lots" heh Get any of the hy00ge fighting games? Such as King of Fighters '98 and Last Blade 2? Also, if you haven't downloaded Metal Slug and Metal Slug 2, those are also recommended. Yah, got Slug and Last Blade Last Blade 1 or 2? 2 Last Blade 2 has the cool old short fisherman d00d. Nothing quite as entertaining as playing a midget who beats up his opponents with a fishing pole and a giant turtle. % No man, ever, in the history of the world, has ever gotten laid because he was "smart." % * scottm will spend tomorrow at ze vater slide. With many chilluns and many gallons of urine % * AB hereby declares "spang" to be a verb meaning "To throw someone on the ground and beat on them with a Tetsubo." % * shodan peers at a banner ad for Men's Fitness magazine * shodan notices some buff musclechix0r on the cover * shodan scritches his head . o O ( We've secretly replaced Muscled00d's testosterone suppliments with estrogen. Humor ensues! ) % * shodan blinks . o O ( * someone knocks on shodan's door ) . o O ( * shodan answers his door ) . o O ( * someone eyes shodan warily, and wanders off ? ) . o O (Doh. Sounds like Phase VI has started ahead of schedule.) % [AB reads video game descriptions on http://www.klov.com] Abstract You control a tank that shoots at balloons. . o O (Seems like an awful waste of military ammunition.) . o O (* AB hops in an M1-A1 Abrams) . o O (* AB loads up a few depleted uranium SABOT shells) . o O (* AB takes careful aim at a balloon held by a small child) ... There's a game (not in MAME, I don't believe) called "Battle Tryst") . o O (Abstract: In the heat of battle, your character must seduce his female fellow soldiers while sharing a foxhole.) ... Abstract A horizontal anti-terrorist platform shooter. . o O (As opposed to a horizontal *pro*-terrorist platform shooter.) ... * AB smirks "For diplomatic reasons, the U.S. Government cannot send in a military mission. So they've hired a group of Mercenaries, code named 'The Mercs.'" . O O (For diplomatic reasons, the U.S. Government cannot send in a military mission. So they're sending in a military mission anyways.) % [shodan discovers a HUGE bee in his apartment] It seems to be sleeping * shodan tries to find ways to kill it * AB hands shodan an M1-A1 Abrams. Don't think that's big enough * shodan wonders if it's a queen bee. That'd be my luck, if there's a hive somewhere in my apartment heh s/apartment/pants/ ! No, there's a *party* in my pants. The *hive* is in my apartment somewhere. It's because I've been playing so much galaga. I'm gonna get attacked by butterflies and moths next :) . o O ( * shodan kills the queen bee ) . o O ( Everywhere in the apartment complex, all bees freeze in their tracks, having lost their link with the collective ) There's a game called "Bomb Bee" Maybe you could use that. * shodan nukes the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. . o O (* shodan goes after the queen bee with a power-loader exoskeleton) :) . o O ( * shodan notices an enormous bee in his bathroom, and runs away ) . o O ( * shodan comes back an hour later and finds the entire room covered with pulsing biological matter, it's 30 degrees hotter, and there's a constant low droning sound, accompanied by the sound of something Big(tm) breathing ) . o O ( OK, I think now I know the true magnitude of "busy as a bee". ) . o O (* shodan grabs the bug spray) . o O (* shodan tentatively sprays bug spray on the pulsing organic matter) . o O (There's a huge *SLURPING* sound as all of the pulsing organic matter disappears at once) . o O ( uh-oh. THAT'S gonna piss something off.) % * shodan watches some random icq person take forever to say goodbye "Bye!" "Bye." "See you later!" "*nod*" "Take care!" "Listen, you!" . o O ( * shodan kills icq. Take that! ) he wants you to hang up first... oop, they went offline. There, whew. :) . o O ( * person comes back online Bye! * person disconnects immediately grf! ) % * AB still doesn't understand why shodan runs ICQ. So I can get free urls to crappy pr0n sites. % "About 1097: Visions of Jesus, Mary, and the Christian Apostles inspire the Crusaders en route to Jerusalem. Of course, this is hardly surprising. You wear an iron suit, an iron hat, and listen to eschatological sermons during a Middle Eastern summer while being bled by leeches and fed opium-laden pharmaceuticals for diseases such as dysentery, malaria, or typhoid fever, and see if you don’t have hagiographic dreams, too." --Excerpt from "Kronos: A Chronological History of the Martial Arts and Combative Sports" (http://ejmas.com/kronos) % s/shodan/shodan/g ! * shodan feels all weird % * meri dons her cape and flies out of her chair! ... into the ceiling fan. i hate it when that happens. % "Buying an Apple just doesn't make all that much sense when the whole rest of the world is using PC/Windows-based systems." Yeah, and being American doesn't make much sense when there are over a billion Chinese. % * shodan waits for sitzmail to show up * shodan tapes his foot impatiently ... "tapes"? . o O ( * shodan gets bored waiting, and starts absentmindedly wrapping duct-tape around his foot ) . o O ( * shodan quickly newgroups alt.binaries.pictures. erotica.shodans-foot.duct-tape ) % there was a (RILLY) bad movie made about him. "The Road to Wellville" with Hopkins as the doctor, and matthew broderick, bridgette fonda and the guy who played chief o'brien. it was very bad, and your time would be better served making an concerted effort to herd cats. % * shodan kills sitz to death * sitzkrieg "!"'s belatedly, and keels over, quite dead. . o O ( mind you, I'm going to have to haunt shodan forever now) * sitzkrieg spends the next 15 years peeking over shodan's shoulder whispering "That regex will never work" into shodan's ear. % * sitzkrieg thinks we should use "howdy!" as a salutation. sitzkrieg: IS that Minnie Perl style howdy ? * KaptnJack personally likes "Yo! FuckNut!" i think everyone should refer to their ass as their 'bummy'. but I'm weird like that. % . o O ( sitz is in Tibet? ) b0rk: pretty much. I'm in my bedroom. It's just like tibet, without the Dali Llama. % * meri prods more mrf.people to take noodles from her office. meri: any veggie-safe ones? Jer: Dude. This is Japanese mass-produced instant noodles. So, uh. "No." Jer: look in a mirror at the 4 teeth near the front of your mouth and EAT MEAT! b0rk: those are for opening the flavor-packs on ramen % aha. only 21% of websites on the net are powered by NT, but 75% of all hacked web sites. % By day, it's a computer desk. By night, a jungle-gym for a kitten. Next on geraldo, the secret lives of furniture. % * wilhelm does the "Wait for USENIX" dance. Is that anything like the potty dance? * cyNick does the "666 pulled rank and is leaving me to rot while he goes to Usenix" dance cyNick: Is that anything like a jig of despair? * cyNick notes that he isn't actually upset, but is morally obligated to rubbish 666 about it anyway % 1170: Tametomo, a minor retainer associated with the Minamoto clan, becomes the first Japanese samurai to become famous for slitting his belly open with his dagger. That's the hard way to fame. % since I'm in a new group I asked to be removed from a mail alias. The conslutants we have in told me they had done this last week. This week I still had mail from the alias. Further requests were answered with a "we're replacing that system next week, we're not going to do anything." So, I logged in with the only root passwd I remember anymore and fixed it myself (idiots forgot to run sendmail -bi). Then I sent them and our IS mangler an email calling them idiots, suggesting that they teach mail to the pepole supposed to do that, and wanting to know how much we payed for that task to have been done. I followed that with an invoice. % [sitz rides his motorcycle home in the rain] nrg. waiter? Yes? I believe my evening is too moist for my liking. Can you take it back and bring me an evening that's been cooked a little longer? % ever get the feeling you missed your calling? I figure I should have been a gunned down serial killer. i fit the profile way too well. * sgflynn reminds self to not walk by caz's cube anymore % "1832: Warning that lack of exercise produced softness, debility, and unfitness, American educator Catherine Beecher publishes A Course of Calisthenics for Young Ladies. And what was the best exercise for a woman, according to Mrs. Beecher? Vigorous work with mop and wash tub. No liberation there." "Then, in 1847, Lydia Mary Child, author of The Little Girl’s Own Book, became slightly more adventurous, saying that 'skating, driving hoop, and other boyish sports may be practiced to great advantage by little girls provided they can be pursued within the enclosure of a garden or court; in the street, of course, they would be highly improper.'" --Excerpt from "Kronos: A Chronological History of the Martial Arts and Combative Sports (http://ejmas.com/kronos) % *snorg* Our mail admin (who's a FreeBSD core developer) just forwarded an email to our staff-social mailing list from a FreeBSD user who tried to get his Christian private school to convert from Linux to FreeBSD for their network...and was turned down because the mascot of FreeBSD is a devil. % You know, every springboard should have at least 2M of flash for programs and databases you only use with that module. rw-rw-rw-: every car should have nvram and give you access to the internal computer, too, but you're still imagining that you live in a world that makes sense % 666: I suppose it'd be foolish of me to suggest that maybe there is a manual for this mobo, that you can look for power-switch- attachment instructions in? (And thus gain insight as to which pins are the power switch) * scottm eyes Slarti warily. What? This does not put faith in the Tao. The manual is not the Tao, it is but a false tao. The Tao can't identify power connector pins. % Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate. Slarti: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here? Nay, it means "Lick your own sperenze, you ingrate" in Klingon. Nobody has ever dared ask a Klingon what a sperenze is. % ha! From the Linux BIOS home page: "In this picture you can see the 630 boot from power on. The kernel is up so fast that the IDE drive isn't ready, and so doesn't probe. The result is the kernel has no root to mount from. We're working on a fix for going too fast." % *** jzp changes topic to '* UsagiJer gets up off of moyet' pah! I crap better topics than that! % Heh. I got "Cisco IOS Software Folio" in the mail. Which attempts to explain Cisco's naming schemes. heh - ios versions? the best thing i think is the ios roadmap: http://www.cisco.com/warp/public/620/roadmap.shtml ain't no road i'd want to take Yeah. This thing is 88 pages long. * shodan !s at the roadmap heh - and it is outdated; 12.0ST isn't on it This is more explaining how the names are derived and the like. * phrog sprinkles road map with "Caution: loose gravel" and "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" signs % I don't like coconut. =) what?! YOU DIE! ! COCONUT JIHAD! !! * AB lunges at Murple in slow motion * meri throws the durian at Murple, grenade-like. coconut 0wnz % hey meri your jollies are all melty Yeah. how come? Because it gets hot and humid in my office. * Murple fears zork talking about meri's melty jollies meri's jollies are usually quite hard and dry. % [ 175: bmbbue@dsd] TURN YOUR PENIS INTO A SUPER PENIS!! ! ! * outb0rk eyes Jer warily. . o O ( * suddenly a penis wearing a cape flies out of a phonebooth ) % * scromp tricks flatlndr into thinking 1-800-COCAINE is the IBM toll- free travel dialup number Heh "Who did I just call???" % *BUGGER* bill gates with .. oh, the hell with it. There's nothing anyone could do to him that would satisfy me at this point. % fucking @home these poeple have their head so far up their ass how my cable modem has anything to do with their mae-east router going boom is beyond me man, why do I even bother calling these people if I wanted to talk to a fucking chimpanzee I'd go to the goddamn zoo at least he didn't ask me what web browser I was using like BA did % [several hours pass with no activity whatsoever in #commies] mischan % Amsterdam prostitutes complain about the British: "They are a either a pain in the backside or too drunk to perform," *** pir (pir@mrow.tufts.edu) has joined #bofh Speak of the devil. % wow! it's a Banana Splits milk mug collectible cup! I wish nickelodeon would bring back the banana splits instead of trying to make more simpsons/ren-n-stimpy clones. One banana two banana thee banana four, na na na, nana na na, na na na na nana na na... * rw-rw-rw- is hauled away by the guys in the white suits. % nick... cenal... bad... need... ssh... mexico ... phones ... suck ... keep ... your ... pants ... on ... there is a shocking amount of netbios broadcast traffic at pdq Rotate... the... shield... harmonics. Modulate phase... port 137... % some days it's so hard to stay evil without being malevolent % Ok, it's reset. What do you keep doing to it, you bastard sex maniac? it's not me, it's r cobb. And he's calling mexico, that's whats happening to it. It's getting evil siesta energy vibes and watching latin soap operas % [Ed. Note: AB is married to rubia (and vice versa)] * AB gets down with bluegrass * AB turns into your dad. there really isn't an easy way to respond to that statement % "The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place." --Douglas Adams % "Oded Fehr is the worried sage Ardeth Bay, who begins sentences ominously with 'It is written that. . .' until Rick finally snaps, 'Where is all this written?' A good question, since much of the story involves a magical pyramid of which it is written, 'No one who has seen it has ever returned alive.' That logically leads us to wonder how they ever found out about it. But logic applied to this movie will drive you mad. So will any attempt to summarize the plot." ... "The ads give the Rock, the World Wrestling Federation star, equal billing with Fraser. This is bait-and-switch. To call his appearance a 'cameo' would be stretching it. [...] I continue to believe the Rock has an acting career ahead of him, and after seeing this movie I believe it is still ahead of him." ... "The dialogue 'You have started a chain reaction that could bring about the next Apocalypse' is fascinating. Apparently we missed the first Apocalypse, which does not speak well for it." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "The Mummy Returns," 5/27/01 % sitz: Whatcha doing in cleveland? doing delorean info-gathering. Why? FOR GH0D'S SAKE, MAN! GIVE UP THIS UNHEALTHY DELOREAN OBSESSION! YOU'LL NEVER GO BACK IN TIME! % * kurt hates this one damn Orkin commercial that looks like there's a cockroach crawling across the TV. always see it out of the corner of my eye here... makes me think there are huge bugs in the NOC. . o O ( Are those scratching noises under the floorboards? ) . o O ( ok wait, that's just a NOC Op. ) % * shodan larts his downstairs neighbor * shodan was expecting some kind of resistance :) . o O ( Hi. How 'bout you stop making everything in my damn apartment shake? Oh. Okay, sorry. Listen you! I.. Er. Oh. Thanks! ) % * shodan finds it somewhat humorous that he cleaned his coffeepot today for the first time since... well, ever, and my green sponge is now black. . o O ( Unfortunately the coffee isn't as good anymore; gotta let the sludgefilm build up again ) % Oh, I found my couch yesterday . o O ( Yes, my livingroom had gotten /that/ bad ) % outb0rk: did you go back to freeBSD? Yeah. Fuck OpenBSD. Any host that runs 2 mostly idle daemons, has maybe 2 users logged in and nothing CPU intensive should have a load of less than .75. OpenBSD defies this lil rule. better or worse? Worse. doh! ... * AB smax kregars Don't think he'd be bitching about it if it had a load of less than 0.75 AB: *nad* . o O ( Dammit! My CPU load is only 0.17! I've got too many free processor cycles!) well there was a chance he was happy about it..and wanted to exclaim it! Yeah. Fuck OpenBSD. I don't think so. % gah . o O ( * shodan opens a beer ) . o O ( *PFFSSFFHHTTSSHHHFFF*!!!! ) . o O ( gah ) . o O ( MUST! MUST ESCAPE CAN! ) % this is an odd movie. Sleepy Hollow. * meri . o O { Gee. Directed by Tim Burton. Starring Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci, and Christopher Walken. Weird, you say? } % . o O ( kinda like that one hot chick in high school that all the losers try to ask out ) . o O ( see! Math _does_ have real life applications! Now calculate the odds... ) * AB watches kurt relive his bitter past. % mail to one of our admins: *** wilhelm is now known as | <|> "It is the year 2001. Your FTP server allows 5 connections. <|> Are you running it on a Palm Pilot?" *** | is now known as wilhelm % Medorthophobia- Fear of an erect penis. * meri eyes the net warily. http://www.phobialist.com/ Logizomechanophobia- Fear of computers Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge. Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge. now that's funny. Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth. that's funny. right next to fear of spiders. i wonder what "fear of spiders getting stuck in peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth is called" % * AB is bored. BORED BORED BORED * AB calls in sick tomorrow. . o O (I can't come to work. I have ennui.) . o O ( Err.) % * AB still hasn't seen "Lethal Weapon IV" yet. Ugh. Chris Rock. That's part of the reason I haven't seen it yet. =) % He's just Asian. There's a pattern to Asian aging. You look like you're 20 until you're 45; then you look like you're 40 until you're 70; then you look like you're 123. % . o O ( Your search - +"hung like a vulcan" - did not match any documents. ) % a comment about a dildo for sale: That's roughly the diameter of your standard 10 1/2 ounce can of Campbell's Soup GACK We had this discussion earlier. we did? Yup. * coyote fails to track it The Girl found two cites for surveys that said the average johnson was about 1.5" diameter. which is what, in normal household goods terms? % Did we decide on ph00d? or is syn still wanking to chinese pr0n? Why not both! I refuse to eat anything syn has wanked near. Hrm. A fine point. . o O ( hold the mayo, etc. ) % * jzp grrrs. lyrics.ch re-incarnated, but missing the song i wuz lookin for what song ? hungry: standing inwhile useful intelligence against the ene/whois hungry hvfrjla * jzp stares at fingers % * shodan eyes IE warily back away slowly it can smell fear % * kurt posts to status : Random things will be breaking because the NOC has no TV and is bored. * kurt boots off everyone whose username begins with... "v". that's a good starting point. % *blink* EAM#5 just got a call from some d00d who says he sent an email to one of our customers that he didn't want to send, and he wants us to delete it from the customer's mailbox. "Uh. No." % I'll have to stock up on jer-safe weirdass asian food to last me thru the trip home.. * AB has deathcup for Jer if you wanna AB: is it veggie-safe? Jer: Yah, I tink so. Ah. It has "Beef Powder" * UsagiJer loses However, I dunno what that is. probably unsafe * AB suspects that the closest the substance called "Beef Powder" has ever been to real meat is possibly next to it on the store shelf. % * AB returns . o O (Fat Guy II: The Return of AB) % * AB makes a note to phind/buy "Enter the Fat Dragon" (all together, now) "Don't wanna!" * AB scritches his head and wonders what shodan's on about. <-- doesn't wanna enter the fat dragon * AB wasn't suggesting that you do. Oh. That makes things easier. :) Now if I'd said simply: "Enter the Fat Dragon" Don't wanna! Then you'd be correct in saying "Don't wanna!" See? * shodan nads * shodan updates his language parser with this new ruleset This has been another installment of "#commies 101." Please tune in next week when we explain the appropriate use of the word "sodomy." % * phrog gets in touch with his 'outer husky' % [snip discussion of the Facilities Managers for RCN's Merrifield facility] But yes, they definitely suffer from the "WE MUST CONSTANTLY WORK!" syndrome. They're both ex-Navy. The phrase "Don't fix what ain't broke" isn't in their vocabulary. % Gah. * AB just had one of those moments where you ask someone something, and they interpret it as a request for extended conversation. Our regular overnight security guard had a heart attack a week or so ago. I walked in this morning and asked the guy who's replacing him if there was any update on the condition of the regular security guard. That was 10 minutes ago. I've been treated to a non-stop monologue ever since, about this guy's life story, his past jobs, his current job, etc. He finally left after I feigned death. % Fear! ... Highlander: EndGame ... Coming in August. If ever there was a movie franchise that needed to be put down like a rabid dog, it's the Highlander series. Indeed. As the saying goes, there should've been only one. % * pdh for once feels the need to gloat about the lack of audio devices attached to his workstation. * rw-rw-rw- attaches an 8-track with a looped copy of "Hawaii 5-0" stuck on continuous play to pdh's workstation. * pdh sticks his fingers in his ears lalalalala I CANT HEAR YOU lalalalala NYAH NYAH lalalalala * scromp observes the bizarre australian mating rituals with a mixture of detached interest and not a small amount of horror. % ok, AB, you awake? quotes file material Helioz. It's no fun when others point out "Hey, that should go inna quotes file." hmm ... ok. =) heh * pdh . o O ( so, like, if I say something stupid, like, and then realise, and kinda point it out to you, for inclusion, like... hmm... ) stop! don't you see, it's all a trap? we'll all be *quoted*! *** Helioz has quit IRC (ping timeout) * pdh . o O ( memo to agent 72: please use more discretion in elimination of those who Know Too Much in future. ) Step away from the keyboard and drop the mouse! No one needs to get hurt! % * Murple points out that daturas are hella uber flowers someone needs to make incense that smells like these fuckers the fact that they cause painful agonizing death just adds to the uberness % * andrewh has a Customer First Attitude! yeah, the customer DIES FIRST. % An unexpected network error occurred. As opposed to the errors we expect. . o O (A network error occurred. Precisely as we anticipated.) % then shodan needs to fix tmp. :-) Maybe people should give me the correct info to start with, eh? :) What fun would that be? Yes, much more fun to blame shodan * phrog blames shodan * phrog feels much better * shodan tries shodan: Your broken script sucks! . o O ( Hey yeah, I do feel better! Neat! ) % * phrog <- home, scrollback [A minute or so goes by] #commies, having a mature, in-depth discusion of female social roles and cultural sexism? * phrog checks his meds % furries? wtf is a furrie? winter: Dammit, every time it comes up you ask what it is. (or furry) oh well, I must have a good reason for blocking... % [Helios pastes a javascript-enabled URL relating to a recent quake in Iceland] for those here who don't read icelandic, it says "Now those who don't live in Iceland can have a try at what it feels like" and the button (which is probably java or something like that) says "check out how it feels like living in iceland) and, let me guess, the browser hops around yes. unfortunately there's no way I know of with javascript to cause a destructive vortex of 200mph wind to rip your browser into shreds and toss it for miles in every direction, or I'd do a "what it's like to live in kentucky" page :) % * AB just found the following question on a website: "Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?" * AB will now be awake all night pondering that one. % cboss? cboooooss? cbooze. i c booze. lol * meri . o O { i see dead booze } not yet. i am hallucinating booze to get me thru this concall % * meri has this little diagram of how mailing lists are going to work. i think my head's gonna splody. * shodan throws plastic sheets over everything % "Oh my god! This movie is so inspirational. It is totally number 3 on my list of best movies right behind Winger 'The Videos' and Yanni 'Live at the Acropolis.'" --From a user-submitted review of "The Karate Kid," on Amazon.com % [meri and Nyarla plan a trip to the Sanrio store. meri has asked AB to ask his wife if she wants to go along. AB has forgotten to do so.] Nyarla: What time you wanna head southward on Saturday? um. what werks for you and rubia? * meri grabs AB. DOH! Hee. * AB --> call la rubia * AB <-- la rubia's voicemail * AB --> la rubia's cellphone * AB <-- wrong number * meri giggles. * AB --> correct number for la rubia's cellphone * AB <-- No answer . o O (* AB --> smoke signals to la rubia) Don't forget to send the carrier pigeon if all else fails * AB nods * AB --> email pager * AB <-- email pager * AB waits * AB cues up "Radar Love" weeeeeeeee've got a thiiiiiiiing that's called radar love ! % Oh my. Apparently Tom Laughlin (the d00d what played Billy Jack) is an adherent of Freudian theories of "the unconscious mind" www.billyjack.com * Nyarla saw that earlier, and blinked, and went elsewhere. head hurty already. (s/freudian/jungian) * AB nods Nyarla * Nyarla actually rather likes some Jungian stuff...but not when my brane is imploding What is jungian ? "of Jung" DESK? Heh It's like freudian, but completely different. % "Further adventures of Mr. Peace-through-Violence prove that Laughlin is the only actor intense enough to risk a hernia from reading lines. Laughable until final, nauseating massacre scene that renders film's constant yammering about 'peace' ludicrous." --Leonard Maltin's Capsule Review of "The Trial of Billy Jack" % * Nyarla bludgeons AB with the collected Sin City ! * AB activates his anti-Frank-Miller shield. % * meri gets stationery porn. stationery porn? . o O ( *perk*) heh. Stationary pr0n?!?!?! WTF is that? stationary porn sounds pretty boring well, unless it's pictures, i guess. . o O (Still Life with Fucking) * meri snorks. % ... "If you only watch one ninja movie all year, this should be the one." . o O (Can we say "Damn with faint praise?") % boom boom boom boom, i want a double boom, let's spend this night together, together in my room! Don't wanna! Must! DON'T WANNA! . o O ( I DON'T FUCKING WANNA!! ) % sigfile of the day: this has been a test of the emergency hate network if this had been a real emergency, you would now be impaled on your own severed arm % excellent. the person that owns the second-largest number of mailing lists in the company no longer works here. ! * jzp cheers our exit procedures! indeed. we have exit procedures? snrk "bye bye now!" "don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!" meri: Who would that have been ? someone in tech support. Ah. Why would Tech Support get lists ? um. * meri grabs papasmurf and shakes him. why wouldn't they? No fair. I asked first. % I'm (surprisingly enough) against capital punishment. not particularly surprising. you've been on the wrong side of the law too many times. =) % * outb0rk --> Exeunt. From what I recall from my English lit. classes, "Exeunt" is plural Whereas "outb0rk" is, so far as I can determine, singlular * meri nods at AB. I've got a singularity. Riiight here. Must be one of those microscopic black holes I keep hearing about. * zork deploys his singularity in a choadosynchronous orbit around AB. * AB scores zork 5 bonus points for "choadosynchronous" % * AB finds another reason to buy a DVD player. AB: They're neat black boxes with blinkey lights? . o O ( That was my reason, anyway ) % PapaSmurf didn't you bring over the facilities nazis? Your the responsible one! LYNCH HIM! Smurf Soup! . o O ( Syn picks up pile of blame and flings it at the other employees. This is how pecking order is established by the Management in the wild... ) =) % Now I have "blew jew review" running through my head. Better than Ice Ice Baby nah. whenever "Ice Ice Baby" tries to get stuck in my head, it morphs into "Under Pressure," so all is well. % Gah. * AB has forgotten how to spell "medlies" And that ain't it. yeah it is. hrm. no it's not. damn you, ab. % death on PPV wh00t! pay to watch someone fry ... You jest. Please oh please say we haven't gotten there this quickly. * AB nods meri. * AB was hoping that would wait until after I'd died of old age. * meri pulls out the "Heinlein Crazy Years Timeline." That's not supposed to happen for another 15 or 20 years or so. [Ed. Note: Thankfully, kregars was just kidding] % I'm gonna start keeping an exercise journal. . o O (Day 1: Thought about exercising. Got up. Thought about it some more. Went to watch TV.) . o O (Day 2: Actually glanced at my workout clothes a couple of times.) % * meri has received a drill bit from amazon.com Now, if I only had a drill. % Woo. * AB gets a f0n3 call from a woman who is "installing the Internet" on her computer. tell her I will need access to it as I still have some things I use on there . o O { "I'm sorry ma'am, you've got the wrong version of the Internet." } *** pir (pir@pir.ne.mediaone.net) has joined #bofh AB: Surely you mean she's going to install the internet *in* my computer madwolf: I am merely the messenger. I quoted her verbatim. =) Hrm. Perhaps we should tell pir. * AB pokes pir. hmmm ? pir: You'll need to change your networking habits soon. I just spoke with a woman who is "installing the Internet" on her computer. Presumably the entire thing. wish I had a computer that big heh. yeah, I always wonder how they expect to get that much wire and fiber in a small box well, whatever won't fit will just have to be shelved it's mostly crap anyway Imagine how many JCBs that would attract. pir: Would you like me to ask her to save any particular bits for you? well, keeping the bit in and to my house would be nice especially the wireless % * scromp stares at AB's customers Don't do that. You'll only aggravate their paranoia. =) % I don't see any reason why a PPV execution would be a bad thing... provided the proceeds went to something that would have a chance of lowering crime rates or something. like more dead criminals * scromp . o O ( I think we've hit upon a profit engine here! ) % http://www.catholicsupply.com/christmas/sports.html Ah yes. "Soccer-playing Jesus" i kinda like the kid trying to tackle jesus as he's getting the hand-off or maybe it's jesus handing-off just as he's about to get tackled. i think i need that one who would tackle jesus? obviously that scene is a metaphor for the good/evil yin/yang in the universe % nrg ya gotta love when only half a subway car is packed and the other half is empty cause some guy shit himself [Ed. Note: !] % there's a Superman Vs Predator comic out right now * kurt mischans. What i meant to say was "DizzyDog is fixing the caching now" % Man. I thought *I* had a hairy back. * AB just watched "Return of the Dragon" with Bruce Lee He fights a shirtless Chuck Norris at the end of the movie. Chuck Norris has doubtless saved a fortune on sweaters over the years. % -> breakfast -> get inky needles shoved into my flesh ! tattoo time? * Nyarla nods (assuming I can find my *deleted* wallet) tattoo of what? and where? ;) tengwar pattern of my own design, wrist, and if my wallet doesn't materialize i'm gonna kill * scottly gets out of Nyarla's way TENGWAR! TEN GWAR! uh, no! one GWAR is enough GWAR! % WTF is Replay TV and TiVo? <-- Hopelessly behind the times with respect to gadgetry <-- Turns in his Geek Union Card % Proof that rubia is not a geek: I said "We need to by the Apex DVD player 'cause you can access a secret menu that gives you access to ALL the features on the DVD, including regional variants that aren't legally allowed in the U.S." rubia's response: "So what good is that?" I was all like "What?!? You mean it's not PATENTLY OBVIOUS how incredibly COOL that is?" % * AB aborts his DVD player hunt La rubia sez she doesn't wanna spend the money on one right now. awww.. * AB nods * AB watches his desire for Instant Gratification get smacked by the 2x4 of Common Sense. gunned down by the Voice of Reason the bane of Toy Seekers everywhere % Woo! * AB dodges a bullet. My stepdad called looking for computer help. He got my wife on the phone first. She's his lucky victim. w00t! alas, poor rubia.. we knew her well... Indeed. I went upstairs for a bit, and she was making seppuku motions with her hands. My stepdad is a complete retard when it comes to computers. To make things worse, he's afraid of doing *anything* without handholding. I guess my m0m isn't home. =) [A minute or so goes by] Uh oh. She's coming downstairs. And she's still on the phone. This means that he's asked for me. RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND! * AB sneaks out the back door wearing only his underwear. % * meri finds herself oddly intrigued by this whole "dark angel" series. meri: EXPN "Dark Angel" James Cameron does TV. He has a series starting this fall entitled "Dark Angel." And, well, that's about all I know about it. =) Heh. Then what's so intriguing? It has a dark-haired chix0r in a dark rubber suit in it! Ah. * AB makes notes in a journal Dark futuristic sci-fi, methinks. As opposed to historic sci-fi. . o O ("meri...intrigued...by...chix0rs...in...dark...rubber... suits") * meri thwaps herself. % * meri gets her schoolmarm outfit out. W00t!!! . o O (This would be the PVC schoolmarm outfit, mind you.) % fucking ducks and geese get holding back the ass. Thus I can't get my grove on with mother nature baqh bah ... ???? Someone translate? Oh. Wait. Got it. I parse SynSpeak. Fear me now. % This is like ducky meets the Gor books. * meri stops, shakes her head, and denies that image any further existance. % Someone is suing the Governor of Virginia for failure to protect his constituents from space aliens. ... (gotta be one of our users) % <--- needs food Good thing we have plenty. =) bah... we have BLAH FOOD! We have food that doesn't require us to spend more money. =) since when did you become thrifty? It was a momentary urge. It's passed now. * AB is back to normal. % "In a genre full of such Academy Award contenders as Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal, acting comes second to roundhouse kicking. But Van Damme is clearly determined to change that. To probe the soul of his character (laconic drifter capable of kicking people), he has grown his hair long, curled it and packed it with gel. He has also adopted an earring and let his stubble grow. De Niro dreams of commitment like this." --From a user-submitted review of "Hard Target," on Amazon.com % Personally, I got laid more often after I got fat. =) <-- Cuddly Well, so did I, but only because before I was fat, I was 11. % * AB once again ponders writing two books: A Survival Guide for Geeks on how to understand and deal with management, and another guide for managers telling 'em how to manage geeks. I think that's an extraordinarily dangerous idea. That's like putting the two Lazaruses together in the real universe. % nrrrg * shodan chugs coffee in an attempt to get out of his coma WAKEY WAKEY, SHODAN! DON'T WANNA! . o 0 (it's good Jim, He's dead) I'm not dead, I'm just.. uh.. hrm. * shodan checks his pulse % * shodan has been studying sleep this weekend. Unfortunately, the nature of it makes it difficult to take notes setup a voice-activated tape recorder. * shodan needs something that'll record what he's thinking That's harder. *nad*, that technology won't exist until 2017 anyway. . o O ( Er.. koff ) % See, here's the thing. I don't like baby powder for the same reason I don't like vaseline intensive care had lotion: I don't like smelling like a baby's ass. % Nation's Porn Stars Demand To Be Fucked Harder --Headline from The Onion, 05/09/01 % Onion: "You're not big on the Internet?" David Byrne: "I think it's fine. I love the e-mail, I love it as a research tool, et cetera et cetera, but as a way of making a community, as a way of introducing something to people, nuh-uh. It worked for Blair Witch, but for the rest of the world, it ain't working that way. People hear about stuff from their friends or a magazine or a newspaper. Get with it, guys. I mean, they had such nerve, those Internet people. Here in New York, and I'm sure where you are, too, they were walking around with their noses in the air, like, 'We are it, old farts, we are it.' We were all thinking, 'They'll fall off that pedestal pretty soon.'" --Interview with David Byrne, The Onion, 05/09/01 % * shmit 's world crumbles about him * shodan hands shmit some duct tape % (but in my freak circles, a rather pretty male friend of mine from a.g. has noted that kissing a cute male is one of the best ways he's found to pick up chix0rs *grin*) Heh. . o O (werks for me...) I used to work with a guy in Fort Worth, TX, who got Lots(tm) of gorgeous babes to have sex with him by pretending to be gay. He says that, inevitably, the conversation with his babe female friends would take this turn: "Maybe you've just never had the right woman." * Nyarla snickers "Y'know, maybe you're right." * shmit laughs *ROFL* % ab: emo philips is in town sometime soon ! ! ! * AB grabs the biological agents % From the weird trivia department: Maclean Stevenson played Col. Henry Blake in the "M*A*S*H" TV series. He died on February 15th, 1996. Roger Bowen played Col. Henry Blake in the movie "M*A*S*H", and died one day after Stevenson. % "We're targeting AOLTV for the internet user who is a little less web savvy than the current AOL user..." --AOL, announcing their new "AOLTV" product (presumably to compete with WebTV) % news-proxy.baileynm.com or green.syncronym.org. They're both work boxes, I don't have a new colo of my own yet. Fine with me. I'll have both of them secondary from ns1.sol.no, and send Ove email when they're set up. Good. CC'e me on that one. Roger Willco, 10-4 on that good buddy. * rw-rw-rw- channels The Dukes of Hazzard. % I was discussing a couple of different *ix problems with some pfy-types today and pasted the following to them: # for i in `ps < df -9`; do chfs | xargs -a size+=`ls +sb -ls -geometry 90x24` && finger $i | vi -e 's/\033[32m/\r/g'; done 12946+0 records in 12946+0 records out 6628352 bytes transferred in 4.305736 secs (1539423 bytes/sec) and both of them sat there for a while and tried to figure it out and eventually gave up not recognizing that it was complete nonsense * scromp is both depressed and amused % http://www.bowman.org/ What am I looking for? Seems normal so far. complete wastes of flesh read on Any particular section I should focus on? they're your typical empty rich bastards.. except they catalogue it on the web don't spend too much time.. they just like to gloat about their ferraris, and the dumb people they got rich off of, and their several SoCal houses with T1s etc crappy parties they were too good to have attended the dogs they took back to the pound 'till they got the right one a kinda sickening success story "Mr. Dood-i-kins" "We were intrigued by their corn eating in a public place." Well. They're goobers, certainly. * AB isn't quivering with indignant outrage, however. oh, no, nor am I I was just stricken by how generally worthless they were * AB especially likes the frequent use of "pimp" as an adjective on the page. The hopelessly square are always so amusing when they try to be "with it" % jon katz is so unimaginably filled with hot air his articles are usually quite amusing just for that aspect I've got a friend who absolutely despises jon katz, has his articles blocked, etc we constantly try and trick him into loading a katz article this time I got him.. used festival to convert a (particularly silly) katz article to computer generated speech, looped a few bars of one of his favorite sci-fi songs underneath it % * Nerig searches for a Rougue Spear level editor. * AB wonders why Nerig is doing that instead of working. =) * AB cracks the whip . o O (* Nerig forgets that his boss watches IRC) % RAW SHODAN ALL OVER YOU SCREEN!!1! ! * AB REVELS IN THE RAW SHODAN-NESS YES! THE RAW SHODAN IS GOOD LIKE CREAM CHEESE! ... Erm. Perhaps. WE ARE TALKING IN ALL CAPS IN THE COURIER FONT!! LET US NOW BE NONSENSICAL AND GO TO CANADA AND EAT BAGELS! % [shodan switches his IRC font from courier to fixedsys] ! MY TEXT IS ALL BULGY! % Heh. There's an email in the abuse queue with the subject "Child Pernography on your news server." * AB sends the Feds after Anne McCaffery % * meri makes a pre-emptive apology for any goofiness that spews forth from her today. I got about three hours of sleep. * meri . o O { <#commies> We're supposed to be able to tell the difference how, exactly? } % * meri makes a note to not write user faqs today. Started working on the autoresponder message for announce. Most frequent question I get is, "How do I delete all these messages in my erols.announce folder!?!?!?!" And I started my response with, "You don't. It's news. They're not your articles to delete. If it were, oh, *mail*, then you could delete them. But it isn't. So you can't." * meri :q! ; rm announce.responder % * AB sneaks up behind sitz and throws a slinky at him * sitzkrieg looks around for something heavy and blunt with which to strike AB. * AB unzips % * piraeus contemplates random murder of marketing people I'll say you were with me at work the whole time. % * Murple fears... * Murple walks a few miles to get to work, and first thing i see/hear upon arriving at the door is ducky saying "I want to lick you Murple" % why is it that no one can ever understand what I'm saying when I give them my first name over the phone? . o O ( * KaptnJack --> Conspiracy Hdqtrs. ) must be the communist gangster computer god working the communist gangster deadly frankenstein controls . o O ( And Murple fears us. ) * Murple fears that you dont get that reference * Murple orders outb0rk to do a google search on Francis E Dec for cultural enrichment http://www.cs.cmu.edu/afs/cs.cmu.edu/user/jeffrey/www/loons/ conspiracy/dec.html is a good start * outb0rk breaks trying to read the first line of that. * shodan blinks heh dec is probably one of the greatest nutcases of all time truly a cultural icon. his rants are classics. Oh. * outb0rk needs time to recover. hehe he uses lotsa run on sentences too. We need to combine Dec and Dr. Bronner into one big religious- conspiracy ALL-ONE-GOD-FAITH-COMMUNIST-GANSTER-COMPUTER-GOD! ! haha and get jack t chick to illustrate the rants no labels BIG enough for that rant. * Murple would join that religion Murple: ooh, that would rule! DID YOU ACCEPT THE COMMUNIST GANGSTER DEADLY FRANKENSTEIN GOD AS YOUR SAVIOUR? [ ] Yes [ ] No % "The picture on the next page is about 200k and will take a short time to download so please be patient. It took Christ hours to die on the cross for you, so the least you can do is wait approximately 2 minutes for the picture to finish downloading (60 seconds for visitors using 56k technology, or 30 seconds for ISDN users)" --Source Unknown % * AB pokes moyet AB: moyet just popped out for nicotine Nyarla: Pass on to her that [deletia] had their routes turned down, so even if they're still live on the COVAD DSL, they shouldn't be able to do anything. Unless I'm greatly mistaken, of course. [A few minutes go by] AB: according to Shiv, Covad hasn't turned them off yet. per his orders. moyet: According to Mike Neville, they have no route. * moyet nods. they want me to send some release to Shiv so that they don't have to reprovision the DSL. "they"? the new ISP/Covad/[deletia] Will they be terribly inconvenienced if you don't? yes. Then don't. =) % I HAVE SONIC TRANSMISSIONS COMING FROM MY BOOBS! % * pdh would just like to note, for the record, that rpm sucks donkey gonads. % 666: I got an email to abuse with the subject "Child Pernography on your news server" Cute Baby Dragons!!!! . o O (TEEN CO-ED DRAGONS!) BARELY LEGAL HATCHLINGS! NOT YET IMPRESSED! ALL OVER YOU SCREEN!!1! % so, er, when spam advertises "Naked Teen CO-EDS!!!" why do I get the feeling that they are not in fact of co-eds, ie both genders, but only female. hmm. * Nicolai shouldn't try to impose logic on porn. it just makes his brain hurt. Another, more telling question: How do you know they're really attending college? % Security Meets Facilities Management, part # 2342423 we have green not-very-secure bins for waste to be shredded. once a week someone comes and takes them outside and shreds the stuff (in a very loud truck parked outside) I ask if we can have a shredder for very confidential waste (passwords, say) Facilities refuse to purchase one on the basis that they have been told the bin-shredding service is secure by the bin- shredders. ... "Never ask the barber if you need a haircut." % Nicolai: "What's the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?" "You can get your kids back from a rottweiler" % New Zen: Ask Altavista "Where is Waldo" I'm going for a smoke now to recover. % * meri grabs the USPS again. Damnit. My books have been in Ohio for 4 days. Partying with Drew Carey or something. % "There's a fine line between fishing, and just sitting around in a boat like an idiot." --Steven Wright % According to Dennis Talbert, purchase orders marked 'ASAP' get lower priority than PO's with specific dates. * AB starts putting a due date of 01/01/70 on all his POs % man, I go away for a minute and when I come back everyone on #commies is quicklubing and getting stuck together. % if anyone has any plans to overthrow the government, itd be cool if you do it before next paychecks are processed % . o O ("Oh my god! That bowling ball! It's my wife!" ) Sometimes, I'm glad I don't understand your obscure references. % MSNBC news channel..The Perfect Storm explained nod the book rocked can't wait for movie * AB peers suspiciously at Synergist . o O (What do you mean "The book rocked"?) * meri grins. . o O (Are you saying you, like, read novels and such?) . o O (Who are you? And what have you done with the real Jason Nealis?) % Oracle has hired a dective agency to investigate Microsoft Oracle needs to hire a detective agency to find their own lost clues. % * ton spent all morning tweaking the notes people stupid cack . o O ( The notes people are now optimized, with an on- board cache!) I mucked the multiplier and they all fried . o O (* ton overclocks the Notes people) % Mmm. Bagels and Salmon-flavored Cream Cheese mmm...i'm thinking corn flakes mostly cause that's all i have This is what we refer to in science circles as a "limiting reagent." % sitz: you wanna see Synergist in his skivvies on a lawn chair? :-) (in the office) EEEEK! . o O (dear god, not syn and the thong again) * piraeus kills jzp * piraeus kills jzp * piraeus kills jzp * piraeus kills jzp * Nyarla helps pir kill jzp hahahahaha not particularly. However, I'd *love* to see the reactions to it. That desire outweighs my desire to avoid the actual visual. :) % AHH I AM IN CAPS HELL CAPS LOCK IS OFF BUT I AM YELLING try hitting shift? whoa cool that happens on my keyboard sometimes. meri is my savior % so like check it out i got a letter today, dated yesterday, from va department of taxation saying that as of june 28, i owe them $3110 W T F ?!?!?!? Interest? have you talked to them? Penalties? well Just because you're you? i already paid em a whole paycheck Conspiracy? God Hates Murple? so howcome after paying them a paycheck, i now owe more than i did like 2 weeks ago heh this is like, fucked up "Your Internet money is worthless to us." * AB goes for the God Hates Murple scenario % * outb0rk hears a *boop* noise periodically emenating from zork's office. zork: WTF is *boop*ing in your office? my bunghole. Heh. *toot toot* % Murple: I have an Official MCI/Worldcom Roach Clip for you in my cube. It's next to the computer at the front of my cube. haha this i must see It's one of those things that's supposed to hold notes on your desk. But other uses may suggest themselves. haha i guess worldcom knows their target audience % * shmit suddenly pictures AB wearing nothing but a jock strap and a come-hither stare * Nyarla kills shmit dead * outb0rk chases shmit's soul into the Underworld and torments him. Did shmit say something? My mental firewall logged a reject. % this isn't good my friend's wife just withdrew all the money from their joint account She's just taking it out for a good airing. Money tends to get a bit musty if it sits in a bank for too long. % Dear gh0d. That thing is huge, AB. You're not the first person to tell me that. You are, however, the first male. % I am losing my mind. Several times today I've opened Netscapes's open URL window and then completely forgot what page I wanted. I do that all the time usually it means "You're not doing anything useful at this point, get a beer." % * Murple notes the rcn dress code in lotus notes mail and laughs athletic shoes not appropriate huh... you're joking, right? no no shirts with large or inappropriate slogans It's being ignored. Don't worry about it. Both Chris and Dan know it won't be followed. It's not for us. It's for the other 95% of the company. right. telling engineers what to wear just angers them. most corp's know that. Dan had the greatest quote about it: "The internet staff is already such a huge collection of walking policy violations, I don't see how one more is going to matter." % * Murple should come in wearing a "FUCK YOU" midriff-bearing muscle shirt, athletic shoes, carrying a bong in one hand and groping female coworkers with the other hand No you shouldn't. Not if you wish to live. % Bob's standard interview question is, "Draw the internet." * Murple learned to draw the internet from Synergist during a staff meeting (user)---(big cloud)---(pr0n) % BUGGER BILL GATES WITH A TWENTY TON PILEDRIVER AND NO WATERMELONS! Ahem. not one itsy watermelon? % Has anyone else noticed that the solaris realaudio player only does the left channel? The right channel contains subliminal messages. Doh. NOW you've done it. * AB sighs * AB calls HQ and reports 666. % * dave promises badmonkey that the moon will strike the earth, dead center on springfield, va. thanks dave...I'm getting bored...now I have something to look forward to dave: Indeed it will; I'll see to it personally * shodan points at "Smash moon into the earth" scribbled onto his Evil Genius To-do Notepad(tm) % * shodan returns (pant, wheeze) from da (gasp) sto' * shodan ponders the wisdom in walking to the store to get exercise, but smoking in both directions, and only going to get cigs and beer anyway % well, it looks like my neighborhood just went to the shitter :) I'm getting a new neighbor end of July.... 2 doors down... There will be one house between me and Syn how fucking terrible is that for the rest of the neighbors... Once again, I would like to state my pity for the poor fool in that one house. * meri sends them a fruit basket and a "get out now!" card. % well DAMN! its about time someone invented a suicide resistant toilet... http://www.albertsterling.com/penal-ware1440.htm its so annoying having to get rid of all the corpses that accumulate in my bathroom % At a four way stop you have a fire truck, an ambulance, a police car, and a US Mail truck. Who has the right of way? (I should mention that the example is in the US, of course) I vote for the Mail, if only 'cause that seems the most whack answer. * scottm nods. whoever got their first, because none of them have their lights going :0 Even with their lights going, the US Mail has the right of way. And it's assuming they all arrive at the same time. my dad used to work for the post office. i remember him talking about that one when i was little. iirc, the full order of precedence is mail, fire, ambulance, police ISTR that its similar in .uk "the royal mail must get through" What if the mail truck is on fire? flaming vehicles in motion take precedence over all other traffic % ! * shodan opens a pack of cigs and ends up ripping the lid off * shodan eases up on the caffeine * meri . o O { * shodan SMASH! } YES! Phear my phat paper-destruction skillz % I can spit hot death! I can breathe lava! I can spit wind! * meri r0x0rs. % Hrm. This is a quandry. I need to go to the bathroom. There is a maintenance man in our bathroom. meri: Act nonchalant. % [meri, Nyarla, and rubia have been on a shopping visit to a local Sanrio store, when suddenly...] whoot! * AB blinks meri: What'd you do with my wife? =) nuttin! she was fine when we left her! But you're home! And she's not! ... Where'd you leave her? Hrm. I *know* I let her out of the trunk... Heh We parted ways on the top level of mall.spg.va. How was the st0? Meet with your approval? Lotsa fun. =) rubia has a present for you from me. Woo! . o O (Maybe it went off early.) . o O (That would certainly explain her absence.) * AB eyes meri warily % REDNECK HAIKU: BEAUTY Naked in repose Silvery silhouette girls Adorn my mudflaps DESIRE Damn, in that tube-top You make me almost fergit That you're my cousin GATHERING In early morning mist Mama searches Circle K for Moon Pies and Red Man --Source unknown % "... my hands have felt *so* much more relaxed! Even my friend commented on it, saying that I seemed to be much more relaxed when I ed !" % *** rubia (rubia@207-172-52-70.s70.tnt1.brd.va.dialup.rcn.com) has joined #commies * shodan eyes rubia warily * rubia eyes shodan blearily Izzn't it like, way way past your bedtime? yup insomnia yay! Me too! and I'm trying to find a programmer to create an online app for my site Erm * shodan quickly falls asleep % Gateway finds glitch in 1-GHz AMD systems "It involves the 1-GHz with the Thunderbird. We don't know the cause. We are looking into the problem," the spokesman said. "We think it is a motherboard or power supply issue." . o O ( gee, sparky. That narrows it down nicely. ) % We have a message on our voicemail. Said message was left at 11:18am. From the Vet. Saying "You can come pick up Monster now. We've made an appointment for you to talk to the doctor. That's at 11:30am today. Call us if that's not good for you." . o O ("So you're calling us to let us know that we have an appointment with the doctor in 12 minutes? Dontcha think that's a little...short-noticed?") . o O ( * AB calls the vet back 11:30am is just fine! Lemme go warm up the time machine. ) % hee hee I just got my birthday present from siva. In e-mail. Naked picture of Nyarla? *snork* amazon.com gift certificate. =) Though, I'll have to hit him up for that picture... * Nyarla blinks at meri ($19.95 a month, like everybody else!) % hrm. My Hello Kitty suction cups are missing % meri: there is a Pochacco flower car visor! Damn! I'd rather have that than Hello Kitty Lace . o O ( DEAR GOD I'VE BEEN CONVERTED!! ) rubia: *laf* AB's never gonna let you out with me and Nyarla ever again. * meri . o O { 2 hours! You had her for two hours, and look at her! } % so, shodan, do we need to find you a turban now? ;) That's all I'm missing, right? I've got a beard, and I know where my nipples are. % * Nyarla spilled isopropyl alcohol all over the place whilst trying to clean her keyboard. now my cy00b smells like a doctor's office or something. oooOOOooo * Nyarla has told y'all a thousand times, I'm not wearing the rubber nurse outfit during office hours. sheesh! % * kurt sells shodan some "Spanish Fly" * shodan puts the spanish fly on murple's desk, disguised at hot sauce * shodan calls in sick % Gah. Some goober is shooting off RILLY LOUD fireworks a mere 100 feet from my backyard. . o O (Either that or someone just got capped.) % nrg * shodan feels odd * AB adds one to shodan, making him even. * shodan feels even Ah, that's a bit better . o O ( But not much ) * UsagiJer left-shifts shodan * shodan feels halved % [666 has once again suffered another angst-inducing indignity at the hands of WindowsNT] Here, have an eiffeltower coated in Dave's Insanity Sauce. BGates is -> that way. I already tried a JATO unit coated with the exhaust pipe of a 57 chevy, and a fossilized tyrannosaur femur. Didn't help much. Now I'm visualising cows. Peaceful, grazing cows. Grazing among the ruins of Microsoft. % hmmmmm... from the "Listen to what these satisfied customers had to say:" section.. "Why don't you fucken idiots list where your shit-ass company is so a brotha can come up in there and mow some of you muthafuckas down? ...Actually I'm lookin for a job..." - Matt N. * Pepito eyes mattn warily % "Sexy babe Pamela Anderson has revealed her infamous home made porn video makes her breasts ring with shame. The blonde stunner attacked the thieves that stole the steamy video - which has since been sold around the world causing the ex-Baywatch star massive embarrassment. She says, 'I never thought that if someone stole something from my house, they could get away with it. I hope the mothers of the people who stole the tape from us are proud. They actually had to move half-a-million dollars worth of recording equipment to get to the safe where the video was and then put everything back.' The V.I.P. star explains her subsequent shame, 'You know how your ears start ringing when people talk about you? My tits were ringing because everywhere I went, I thought people were looking straight at my chest!'" --News item from the Internet Movie Database, 07/05/00 % * rw-rw-rw- imagines Columbo's reaction to [the theft of the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee Jones homemade pr0n tape]. 'pardon me, miss, you said they moved a million dollars worth of equipment, and put it back? Oh, half a million. Thank you, miss, just trying to get the details straight..." % * Prowler smooches AB * AB gargles with quartic ammonia % How far is Reston from mrf.va? About 10 minutes. cool 10 minutes? by what, biplane? homoplane. ah, much tailwind :) % reading one's own medical records is quite the ...interesting... experience hmmmmm? my ortho doc bagged aetna (they aren't paying the bills) so i got a new one so i have to bring him my x-rays & records for the last 13 months apparently my leg was more fucked up than my wife & mother would let my doc tell me ! that's fucked up. doctors SHOULD NOT be doing that... chiba: ! That's. Uh. i'm surprised frankly but i can understand, my family was pretty freaked out ./msg sitzkrieg as long as he doesnt see the comment about the brain monitor they put in his leg, we're ok % * Murple remembers going to salt mine in salzburg, where you could like, lick the walls mmm. tasty caves. ... * shodan nearly spews coffee * shodan pictures murple licking a cave wall and rofls hey they were yummy cave walls now if only i could find a cave with walls made of capsaicin. i could go neanderthal and stuff * phrog pictures german tourists, happening upon murple as he licks the cave walls . o O ( Zose vacky americanz... ) i was like 10 or so. i dont think german people are capable of seeing anyone under the age of 18. some selective visual disorder or something... % * AB experiences the joy of trying to give a pill to a cat. . o O ( I DON'T FUCKING WANNA!!! ) oof You ain't just a-woofin' there, shodan. * AB has gotten better at Bind Wounds! (144) % * meri gets her firstest water bill for here. Your apartment complex no longer pays the water? Nope. Bummer, that. . o O ( Please pay this amount: $FLOATING_POINT_OVERFLOW ) % gah. meri: ebworld only uses a 56-bit key neep I am one of those people that continues to find it more likely that someone is going to steal a carbon to get my credit card number than swipe it off the net. =) % * fimbul grars . o O (If this earache doesn't go away, I'm going to take a hostage) * shodan hands fimbul 1-800-HOSTAGE, for all your human shield needs! ! * fimbul subscribes (Hostages will be delivered overnight. Please specify your preference for resistant, terrified, or indifferent hostages.) . o O ( hello, Hostage-peoples? I'd like to buy a schoolbus full of screaming children please) . o O ( citizens of USAia! I demand a million helicopters, and a dollar!) . o O (and a pony!) % * meri frees up some space on her digital camera . o O (* meri installs MAME on her digital camera) % hmm ... how is "century" divided between lines? :> cen-tury(?). yes ... hmm ... I never think about that stuff I remember now what I thought back in school ... that this was silly, since it disregards etymology and radices and stuff :> but then again, I'm just biased from my own language. No, you're right, it's silly. between lines? He means how's it hypenated. wouldn't it be cent-ury? :) No, they let typesetters decide it, not linguists. It's the 18th century equivalent of bad web pages. * winter loads 666 into an offset press and adorns his thighs with 18th century dirty words. * rw-rw-rw- spends six hours flaming about stupid 18th century quoting rules that totally fuck up technical documentation. * rw-rw-rw- then hits winter over the head with a full case of type and flees into the wilderness. if you could lift a full case of type I'd be impressed. he's got the strength of madness % "Q. While watching the DVD of 'Dogma,' I noticed that in the scene where Linda Fiorentino's character is trying to convince Jay and Silent Bob to accompany her to New Jersey, Jay says 'I feel like she's Ben Kenobi, I'm Han Solo, you're Chewy and we're in that [bleeped]-up bar!' Aren't Jay and Silent Bob inspired by C3P0 and R2D2? One is tall, slender and speaks at great and annoying lengths while the other is short, fat and hardly utters a word." Roy Chang, New York "A. Kevin Smith replies: 'From as far back as 'Mallrats' people have been asking me this question, and I have to admit it's an interesting theory. However, I'd be lying if I said the similarities were intentional. While Jay and Silent Bob may suggest the world's most famous droids, it's purely coincidence. However, if my embracing of your theory makes you rush out and see 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back' when it hits theaters nationwide Aug. 24, then may I take this opportunity to say that there has never been a more astute observation of my work.'" --From Roger Ebert's "Movie Answer Man" column, 05/06/01 % "With the forged patents and the dead knight's suit of armor to disguise him, William and his sidekicks Roland and Wat (Mark Addy and Alan Tudyk) put themselves through one of those standard movie training montages and are soon ready to enter a joust, which is the medieval version of golf, with your opponent as the ball." ... "Since the knights wear armor guarding their faces, it might seem hard to distinguish them, but since time immemorial the movies have solved this dilemma by giving good knights attractive facial armor, and bad knights ugly little asymmetrical slits to peer through. I imagine a bad knight going into the armor store and saying, 'I want the ugliest facial mask in the place!' Darth Vader is the only villain in the movies with a cool face plate." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "A Knight's Tale," 05/06/01 % . o O ( "To escape from The Matrix, press one." "I can't, it's a rotary!!" ) % * shodan discovers a flaw in his cunning plan to relax: Playing robotron doesn't help much . o O ( nrg! noises! colors! flashy lights! stuff moving around quickly! mrf! nrg! hyper! ) % * sitzkrieg cleverly sprays teflon all over abuse central, and watches as Minions go flyin'. * sitzkrieg suddenly has blackadder flashbacks. . o O ( "...and on that day, Baldrick, Satan will be skating to work." ) % Hrm. How would I go about finding out which customer owns a given IP address? legacy or new? * AB has long wanted something that provides this functionality for the Abuse department, but alas... andrewh: Unsure. New, I think. Address is in 209.122 space, which we didn't get until after RCN bought us. hmm, can't help you then -- I'm poorly informed Thanks for being there, though. hey, no problem. I'm here for you, man. % "Reacked [deletia] whose box had been up on cinder blocks in the front yard for the past month, and thus couldn't be harassing the denizens of alt.dss.hack. Advised that he change his password with great haste." --Torquemada, excerpt from 02/14/01 shift report % * cyNick reads some real "h4x0rs" dialogue and realizes that people actually do talk like he's been parodying. whoa. yeah, that's depressing me too people really are that stupid I thought it was just some sort of mass in-joke. I'm scared now, mommy. % You were just traumatized 'cause you had to wear ties. nah they never got ties on me. but they made me wear dorkpants. % * Murple is amazed that after several years of enormous web popularity, nobody's written a web browser that doesnt suck % [snip an hour or so of no activity in #commies] GHOD DAMNIT!! Scott's awake % heh we need a before/after photo gallery of rcn employees, so as to document the corruption of minds "i was so innocent and sweet before i came here. now, i worship satan and perform live sex acts with chickens." we should start a pool as to which current/former rcn employee will first end up in a bell tower with an assault rifle % shodan is very fond of eyeing people warily. * shmit eyes bubbles warily * shodan eyes bubbles warily STOP EYEING ME DAMMIT.. you'll give me a complex * shmit divides bubbles by i. % so like, did we ever establish who bubbles is? bubbles=melgirl=MeL = nealis' new admin. :) Jason's AA / Jay's GF? Right-o. jay has a chix0r? my god what if he breeds who's jay? :) well, once upon a time, there was this random mutation in the human gene pool... % the money fairy doesnt like murple i wonder whatd happen if i somehow won the lottery jackpot . o O ( * Murple wins $20 million!!! * IRS takes $60 million from Murple ) More like: Murple wins $20 million and blows it all, IRS asks for $10 million, Murple goes to jail. nah thatd be too easy there has to be some random bizarre fuckup that gets thrown in there to multiply things like, win 20 million, blow it all, IRS computer thinks i've won every lottery in US history, tries to tax me for all of it, and i become the irs's asstoy for life % there's something very disturbing about hearing Samuel L Jackson doing his "And you know my name is the Lord When i lay my vengence upon thee" while there's a muted "Boogie Bass" commercial on. The most righteous bass ever mounted on a wall. . o O ( And you know my name is the Lord when I show you my two forms of photo ID ) % FUCK * kurt suddently notes he can't log into any routers. That means you can go home! % If I had Star Trek technology, I'd have survival gear, communication gear, weapons, built into the uniform. Then when the Kazon marooned us on a deserted planet, I'd activate the built-in stasis feild and pocket warp drive. If I had Star Trek technology, I'd have a little more fashion sense and avoid leotards. leotards are necessary to show the figure of 7-of-9 And Deanna's breasts. I wholly appreciate their efforts in this regard. % they're making a Jurassic Park III! effect: Oh god. how can they make a third one . o O ( Wait, shouldn't chricton write a crappy book first? ) . o 0 ( Jurassic Park III: The Musical. ) . o O ( Jurassic Park III: I Know What You Did Last Summer ) . o O ( Jurassic Park III: It Keeps Going, and Going, and Going... ) % "by measuring it, we alter it's inherent characteristics and thereby render our measurement invalid" (one of my old chem profs) * kurt thinks he's learned how to keep the network from breaking and averts his eyes from the network monitor. % "If a particle exists, it has to be somewhere. And if it isn't anywhere, it probably doesn't exist." --One of AB's physics professors (whose name escapes him at the moment) at LSU-Shreveport % "Those who doubt the diminished mental capacity of pre-historic man need look no further than the numerous times Barney cheated Fred out of his Fruity Pebbles with those pathetic disguises." --Namra Soulguard % and damn that thumb comes in handy during masturbation which, unfortunately, other animals successfully accomplish without it * zork sobs. * moyet doesn't need thumbs to masturbate. you're a ch1x0r it works differently for you * moyet wouldn't need thumbs to masturbate even if she wasn't a ch1x0r. bah i'm not gonna argue about wanking with you % * AB pictures Chris Tucker in a remake of "In the Heat of the Night" * AB visualizes Chris Tucker shouting indignantly in that high-pitched Rhuby Rhod voice "They call me MISTER TIBBS!" * meri kicks AB inna head. % I hate squezing my slots ducky, if you lay down newspaper or a tarp beforehand it's less messy. % Sounds like it's gearing up to get Ugly(tm) outside. define ugly * AB hands Murple a mirror ill kick you in the nuts! Murple: As in "rain a-fallin' and wind a-blowin' and trees a-swayin' and such." Now *that's* ugly. heh. murple's walking nowadays, so he's probably fairly concerned with the weather. =) heh yeah murple: This is weather that'll make you wish you'd driven to work. This is the kind of weather that made sitz decide to buy a car. . o O ( * Murple goes outside and opens up an umbrella against the storm. ) . o O ( A white SUV pulls up with "Virginia Department of Taxation" on the doors, and a MiB gets out ) . o O ( I'll take that ) . o O ( * MiB grabs the umbrella and then hops back in the SUV and drives off ) . o O ( CURSE YOU! ) % I'm watching Yellow Submarine without the aid of mind- altering substances * meri tosses jer some percocet it's the best i can do on short notice % ugh where would one go to find out when $movie is coming out on VHS/DVD? effect: imdb? yea, i'm looking there now. nothin yet :/ effect: what movie? in particular, Final Destination on DVD :) www.dvd.com? nothing about Final Destination there :/ Eh, it was just a guess anyways. =) :P Try Amazon? I've tapped amazon and imdb maybe darkhorizons.com? prolly not Nah, Dark Horizons doesn't have that kinda info. www.finaldestination-themovie.com? www.deathiscoming.com is it's homepage, and nothing here :) . o O (www.suckitupandbepatient.com?) % * Leviathan tries to blink, and finds his eyelids don't come apart again, stuck with sludge-like, organically created glue. * AB !s and quickly grabs the universal solvent. . o 0 ( hydrocloric acid. ) . o 0 ( Hold *very* still. Are you sure about this...? ) % One of Lou Donnely's minions is named Jawa. * outb0rk finds this infinitely amusing. Sure, it's all fun and games until you wake up and find your droids stolen! % wonder twin powers activate, form of -- DSL line! Shape of.. Lots of Pr0n! % * meri looks around for a volunteer. Someone? Anyone? Helps if ya specify what you want the volunteer for No, it doesn't. =) If I specify, nobody will volunteer. % ! * shodan -> * shodan & ? * meri . o O { Welcome to #commies. We use more punctuation before 10 AM than most people use all day. } % for meri and leaf, and other chix0r geek wannabes...... http://www.girlgeeks.com/database/questionaire/quiz_2.html wannabes? * meri debates the possible responses to that. wannabes?? note, the word OTHER ohh, so it's your grammar that sucks, not your attitude :) no leaf, they pretty much both suck at the moment, you wanna make someting outta it? :) Man, what ever happened to the sensitive, new age Syko ? phrog: I think this one defenestrated him. % . o O ( The woman I'm seeing is trying to convince me I'd make a good father. I'm refraining from telling her that whenever I see kids, recipes instantly jump to mind. ) % [zork, RCN Security Admin, takes the brainbench.com Security Certification test] damn i'm not a security master well, duh i only got a 3.something * sitzkrieg snerks. heh their questions were gay . o O { "Do you suck cock?" } . o O (How many circuit parties have you attended in the last six months?) . o O ( "Are you an Oracle Admin?" ) % * j dances on his desk for no reason * hop wonders where j got that perl necklace :) * sitzkrieg blinks. . o O ( /perl/ necklace? ) #!/usr/bin/perl use strict; use Spoo; (etc, etc. ) % * shodan just tried to put on a pair of pants * shodan noticed it was somewhat trickier than usual, because he's already wearing pants % * shodan accidently manages to get Master Unix Admin certification from brainbench. * shodan supposes he should feel all cool and stuff :) ? 'brainbench'? legit or "you know that rm, cp and ln are the same! woooooo"? jzp: Apparently they also offer "AOL User" certification. That should answer yer question :) shodan: erp i think u made my heart stop % http://www.cs.unm.edu/~dlchao/flake/doom/ That the Doom interface for Unix? uhuh IME, Not Recommended for actually maintaining a system. * AB watches Slarti go out on a limb with a bold, assertive system administration tip % So, one of my cubemates moved into a new apartment complex last weekend only to find that the phones and cable haven't even been wired to the buildings yet. he didn't think my idea of calling and canceling his service after it got connected was very funny. % ! * shodan somehow managed to lose his lighter * shodan looks around warily Oop, there it is. . o O ( !!! Deploy the Seekers! Leave no stone unturned! I shall not rest until... oops, it was in my pocket. Heh. ) % Gack. $self->{_queue}->{$ev}->[1]->(@{$self->{_queue}->{$ev}} [2..$#{$self->{_queue}->{$ev}}]); * sitzkrieg spends the next 20 years trying to figure that code snippet out. % kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag * piraeus waves jzp coffee then contact lol coffee does however, sound like a fabulous idea * toadkillr yells 'Mt Dew!' in a room full of coffee fans, ducks, and runs . o O (is he thinking leaving more coffee for the rest of us is going to bother us?) % anyone can fuck a sheep, but it takes a real man to fuck a sheep /to death/. % on a hunch, i went to obituary.com to see if there was a site for the "Famous and Recently Dead" and it exists, but it leaves something to be desired. * bene writes a business plan for "The Internet Death Network: Your Resource for News on the Famous and Recently Dead" . o O ( To keep this site free, please visit our sponsor necro-XXX.com ) % * rw-rw-rw- wishes cats were a little more social. Affection and violence are all tangled up in their twisted vicious little minds. Too bad the Egyptians didn't domesticate genets or civets. Vivverids are much less likely to shred your hand affectionately. I like civets. Cool ears what the fuck is a civet? like a civ but more feminine % Bugger. I blew Windows NT's little mind and now it's stuck its fingers in its ethernet ports and is yelling 'I can't hear you'. % "I filed all my old files away (outbox approaching max cap) Did a lot of question answering (including "what do I do about the guy who is harassing me about my selling my used underwear on Ebay?" This is a strange job. )" --Neriglissar, excerpt from 07/12/00 shift report % "Fans of ER star Alex Kingston are taking her role as a doctor a bit too literally - they keep asking her for medical advice. The British actress, who plays Dr. Corday on the hit TV series, says she does get fans who have problems differentiating between her onscreen character and her as an actress. She says, 'You do get some of the public who take the show too literally. I've had a fan writing to me, giving me all their symptoms and listing what the doctor had prescribed for them and asking me if I thought the doctor was correct in his diagnosis.' But the star says she's so far managed to restrain herself from doling out any medical advice to her viewers. 'I haven't written back,' she admits." --News item from the Internet Movie Database, 07/13/00 % * UsagiJer is Net Ninja! Wh0000 * UsagiJer gets +1 on attempts to hax0r % "Borsook claims that geeks are inordinately attracted to sadomasochism, not, as trauma theorists would be quick to assume, because they were physically or sexually abused as children, but simply because S&M is contractual and explicit -- with limits, roles, and preferences negotiated in advance. S&M is nearly algorithmic; it minimizes the difference between having sex and writing code." --Source unknown % Vickey Moser, isn't she the first chick to do 2 donkeys? ... Now there's a record to be proud of. Always looks good on a resume. Especially if you can work it into "work-related experience" . o O (imagine the headhunter spam you'd get) . o O ("Exciting new fields in animal husbandry!") % Ancient Goth: Someone who overthrew the Roman Empire. Modern Goth: A vegan pretending to be a vampire. % AUGH. It is too early to hear the words "mucus plug." % *** madwolf is now known as | <|> http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/newsid_831000/831911.stm <|> "Your Council Tax Benefit has been stopped from 17 April 2000 because there <|> has been a change in your circumstances, the change is because you are <|> dead." *** | is now known as madwolf That's prejudice, that is! Just because he's living- impaired doesn't mean he's not entitled to benefits. Down with vitalist discrimination! In Chicago he could even vote! % Well, I broadcast instructions for people to set up netscape for email... At the end I say "send me a message when you're finished so I know it's set up right" So this guy sends me the message... IN VOICE MAIL. % * AB has just discovered that "Furnishing instruments of masturbation" is (apparently) a crime in the state of Massachusetts. http://www.apbnews.com/newscenter/breakingnews/2000/07/12/ sandm0712_01.html my very genes are guilty of providing me with two hands! what was it that used to be said in here more often ? the sharing light is off ? depends how you read the law it says instruments of self abuse, IIRC oh. * Nicolai would have to get rid of his computers then % Hmmm. cruelty to animals doesn't count if you're using them for fishing. So it's OK to use poodles to troll for sharks? % [Ed. Note: is a markov bot] Ab is a nortel has anal variant. * AB denies these base allegations so you do not have an anal variant? I am not Nortel. % net user /modify scromp /location redmond /preffered-os windows-nt refuse! resist! net user /modify scromp /anal /probe=washington-monument aiiee * wilhelm . o O { ouch. poor scromp. } % * Sykotic hands shodan (.)(.) mmm, boobs. . o O ( $boobs =~ /(.)(.)/; ) when someone hands you boobs, you dont parse them, or in any way make reference to perl code. % *** sitzkrieg is now known as | <|> me: I'm interested in bringing my car to the event this weekend, but it is debatable if it qualifies as "British". <|> Him: Does it leak oil? <|> me: No. <|> Him: Well, can't be British, then. *** | is now known as sitzkrieg % hrm. need to think up a good nick for myself ThongBoy! *** Synergist is now known as ThongBoy we have a winner! MY EYES! * piraeus eliminates his visual cortex heh. * Nyarla snorks . o O (I'd like a blindfold as my first-place prize, please) % * shodan phinishes ph00ding . o O ( Mmm, shodanchow ) . o O ( new, improved shodanchow(tm) - make your geek as strong as he can be (improves night vision 23%) ) . o O (now enriched with extra caffeine and nicotine!) . o O (shodanchow (tm), the one with plhav0r (tm) !) . o O ( ShodanChow(tm): Keeps your shodan's teeth clean, and his coat shiny! ) . o O ( Warning: ShodanChow is not meant for internal consumption ) . o O (use protective clothing when handling ShodanChow (tm). if ShodanChow (tm) contacts bare skin, flush with cool clean water for 20 minutes and contact your local poison control center) . o O ( Do not jostle ShodanChow. Do not expose ShodanChow to open flame, heat, light, darkness, or air. ) . o O ( Do not use cellular phones or portable radios near ShodanChow ) . o O ( UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you argue politics with ShodanChow ) . o O (do not taunt happy fun ShodanChow (tm) ) . o O ( Do not run while holding ShodanChow ) . o O (the Surgeon General has determined that consumption of ShodanChow (tm) may be hazardous to your health. Sold as a novelty only.) . o O ( ShodanChow is made of a green, glowing substance that fell to earth inside the core of a meteor. Ingredients: Unknown ) . o O ( Do not sue Shodan Heavy Industries if ShodanChow masses an army and conquers your country, state, or hemisphere. ) . o O (ShodanChow (tm) may present a choking hazard to children under 25. Bag is a suffocation hazard: do not use as a toy.) % "Your servers have displayed many problems since Ultranet was acquired by RCN. Basically, Ultranet was coustomer friendly but RCN refused to acknowledge serious server problems including constipation." --Actual complaint received by abuse@rcn.com, 7/15/2000 % X-men was good =) * AB <-- "X-Men: Da m00vie" * AB agrees with Dizzy's assessment of X-men. As a longtime X-Men Fanboy, I give "X-Men: The Movie" the AB Seal of Approval(tm). And Stamos in nothing but latex bits and spraypaint? Mmmmmm....... * chiba apoplexies just thinking about it * Nyarla grins Notice that she didn't have any speaking lines. Yeah, many parts had few lines. Good actors get lots of lines, lesser actors get to be in the cool movie and be quiet =) . o O ('you! mckellen and stewart! here are your scripts! *thump* the rest of you -- go look pretty!') % * meri grabs the World Wildlife Fund. They sent me a "SAVE THE PANDA!" donation request. Damn them! . o O ( SAVE THE PANDA, MERI! SAVE THEM!) . o O ( *twitch*) . o O ( MUST!) . o O (YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE! AND WE'RE FURRY AND CUTE AND STUPH!) s/CUTE/PLUSH/ . o O (* AB destroys meri's ability to ever look at pandas the same way) * meri kills ab dead. % Resistence is futile, be excellent to each other. -- the Borg assimilate Keanu Reeves. resistance is bogus % so last nite I met a hot swedish girl who also knows how to program it was like the twilight zone er. like, met irl or met online? irl * kurt nods.. cool! so like, REAL. neat! did you get her number? she's leavin the country what about her resume? * kurt grins. I somehow think that smart, hot, swedish girls are not trying to get their badmonkey on doh. leaving the country?! she was just visiting? she was here for school I think maybe forgot to ask her that...dave knows her tho, or met her before so he might know . o O ( or she just told badmonkey that she was leaving ) yeah...she was like... o O ( if I tell him I'm leaving the country, maybe he'll leave me alone ) * kurt would hope that the hot, smart swedish girls are just as attracted to brains as the guys who...hrm. okay that doesn't work, guys really look for bod when they say "brain" nod yeah a girl could be explaining to you how she discovered the cure for cancer, but your just nodding, smiling, and staring at her chest. . o O ( boy, this girl is real smart she's talking about how... WHOA! highbeams! just nod and stare... ) % "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." --Emo Philips % My mom's in disbelief at all the porn on the internet :) Syn: isn't most of the pron out there on your hard drive? % I've been meaning to order a copy of John Paul Jones' latest solo album. * shodan read that as "James Earl Jones" . o O ( "Luke, I am your father. Join Bell Atlantic, and together we can rule as father and son!" ) % [Ed. Note: bob is an infobot] bob: bob? somebody said i was shmit's pulsating passion flower * moyet twitches. that's really not a nice image. and I was feeling so good after taking my bath. clean and all. now I feel all dirty again. % hmmm...is there a market for an open-source vibrator? * meri would really prefer to avoid vibrators with source code. * meri . o O { I'm gunnan go hax0r me a vibrator. } % . o O ( Nothin' says "pleasure" like running some voltage 'cross yer nipples ) % so, which was the good version of BitchX? That's a trick question, right? % Gah. Going to Ikea is always such a soul-destroying event. Furniture is evil like that . o O ( * MODULAR_SHELVING_UNIT SMASH AB'S SOUL! ) Nah. It's not the furniture. Oh. . o O (Although the UberTrendy Ikea stuff certainly doesn't help matters) It's the people. Trendy Morons(tm) Ahh And Lots(tm) of 'em. That's where they live; you've found their hive AB just can't handle all the toe rings % * Leviathan thinks Prowler would make a good Bridge Troll. * Leviathan pictures Prowler crouching under a bridge in a furry loincloth and holding a large, knobby wooden club with a spike in the end. Please to not be spouting such imagery before noon. % * piraeus doesn't particularly care for stephen king, good imagination, half-hearted writing skills Now, if he wrote them, and handed them off to Robert Jordan, now THAT would be a good book. Turn The Green Mile into 14K pages of WoT-style writing =) ugh, that even more frigtening 6000 pages of Firestarter is "Waaahhh!!! I don'T WANNA be different! I don't WANNA talk to the fire!" Or he could rewrite Carrie. First book will be a description of what a car is, what town they're in, and the dude getting ready to get in the car. Story as known is books 2-5. * DizzyDog takes off the jordankicking boots and goes back to normal =) % "reacked [user #1] the current owner of the cable modem that was leased out to [user #2] which Erekose larted last week. Talked with both the account owner and his roomate (friends, roomates and coworkers apparently). Turns out they are in the security business and they also are OpenBSD developers. They were making some tweaks to a utility for work and the account owner decided to try it out from home. Roomate thought this was a boneheaded thing to do and advised against it, but our user went ahead and did it anyway. Said roomate was highly amused by all this as it would appear that he plans to use this incident as something to hold over his friend's head for Quite Some Time(TM). [the Shame LART, gotta love it] He eventually put the account holder on the phone (he had to wake him up) and the following conversation ensued." "User: Well, I don't see what the big deal is. The netblocks I probed were mostly government owned hence it's technically public prop..." "Roomate: (heard in background) What?! Oh, don't argue with the man, dumb@$$!!" "Me: Yes, while the networks in question may be public in definition they are administered by members of the Armed Forces. Thus they are maintained by trained professional paranoids with the muscle to act on their fears." "User: Ooh, yeah." "Me: Not the kinda folks you want to get on the bad side of are they?" "User: Nope." "Me: In that case, you may want to restrict your work related activites to your work boxen and off our network, alrighty?" User: Okay. --Torquemada, excerpt from 05/13/00 shift report % [snip discussion between Murple and outb0rk about taking speed] dude, if you were more alert, you'd be more aware of, like, your co-workers and work environment think this through % why must microsoft always push the "suck" envelope? . o O (When you can snatch the suck from my OS, Grasshopper, you will be ready to leave the temple...) but master, it's so fucking huge! An army of white-guys trying to look asian couldn't even lift that % "same thing we do every day, pinky" Dry-hump twitching epileptics? % gasp! a CERT advisory on IIS! i swear, they should just have a cron that mails out every monday saying "hrm, still running IIS?" % GHOD FUCKING DAMNIT!!! the WORLD is SHITTING ON MY FUCKING NIGHT! % * Murple waits to see durian in safeway next somehow i dont see that particular fruit catching on with even the trendiest of yuppies "Look honey, its that smelly Asian fruit Bob and Betty told us about!" % I just wanted to pop in here and mention that all of MBO's vending machines were taken today without advance warning... I wonder if we also didn't pay that bill. HAHAHAHAHAH sigh What a riot we are. u-ben: ! ! * meri envisions someone coming to take the coffee machine from mrf, in the middle of the night. Man, if they tried such a stunt here, I'd.. I'd... heh I'd raise my eyebrow slightly. Dammit. ! NO DEAR GOD NO * meri . o O { (from a sound sleep) ! wait! my coffee-sense! it tingles! } YES! . o O ( s/(coffee-sense|tingles)/"$1"/g ) * Murple tries to envision shodan without coffee hmm why does that image invariably involve assault rifles Yeah, like I'd really be able to aim with no stabilizing coffee * shodan without coffee == shambling undead haha . o O ( * shodan fires at someone a foot away and misses wildly ) . o O ( * shodan suddenly falls asleep for no readily apparent reason ) % * outb0rk ponders the etymology of "stat" as a synonym for "right the fuck now, dammit!" . o O ( stat()! ) Ok, It's a Latin abbreviation. for "right the fuck now, dammit!"? * Nyarla nods 'statinum' Which is Latin for "right the fuck now, dammit!" hmmm... "right the fuck now, dammit!" has more punch. latin sucks. % AB: You wanna come to the Sanrio store this weekend! I know you do! NYET! * meri sends cute mind rays towards AB. * AB puts on the tinfoil beanie * Nyarla makes the Big-Eyed Face (tm) at her boss Nyarla is capable of maintaining proper Abuse Composure(tm) while remaining cute. I... ...am not. =) % !!!! IMAX BATTLESTAR GALACTICA!!!!!!! ! oh dear * AB grabs KaptnJack "It'll suck, man!" "It wasn't as good as you remember it!" but! THEY CAN MAKE IT BETTER! NO THEY CAN'T! MUST ! It's gonna suck. You just watch. % * Nogard has returned. Who is Nogard? . o O (s/Nogard/John Galt/) Nogard is the evolved form of Ekans. * AB smax 666 * Nogard is a concoction of e-lisp error messages, displayed for your amusement. % Plus, this week only, a whiny C&W song about Lake Charles, LA. ... As opposed to a non-whiny C&W song? Point to AB. Not that I can think of anyone outside the petrochemical industry wanting to write a song about Lake Charles. 666: Been to Lake Charles, have we? Coming over that bridge at night is a true Blade Runner moment. Driving back from New Orleans, heading west, you top the bridge and there's glowing refineries as far as the eye can see. It's kind of cool in a carcinogenic sort of way. % a nearby animal shelter recently had someone bring a cat in. the cat's current keeper cannot cope with the way the cat keeps bringing back baby deer. * scromp makes sure he reads that correctly * Nicolai wants to meet this cat. "Answers to the name Greebo" Heh Or "Packet," if you follow RCN Mythology. * Nicolai could cope with a cat like that, if it didn't have any other psychological "features". a catflap would ensure the deer stayed outside. plus, there may be a bonus chance of venison for dinner. * sean parses RCN as Royal College of Nurses and isn't enlightened The Red Commies Network? sean: RCN == Revolutionary Communist^W^WResidental Communications Network i.e. Them What Signs My Paychecks Explain "Packet". 666: A fierce cat named "Packet"? gives a whole new meaning to 'Packet loss' * rw-rw-rw- was hoping for elaboration as to how fierce it was. 666: Packet is meri's cat. meri's 19-lb cat. meri's somewhat vicious 19-lb cat. Rumored to be able to eat anything, up to and including pianos. vicious towards all, or does it select its victims carefully The latter. Well. Both, really. No one is safe. % There was a guy with the Luserspotting T-shirt on at Usenix. Warmed my heart. ... Since when have you had a heart? * AB peers suspiciously at 666 % * rw-rw-rw- suddenly flashes in 'Buck Godot' Mechandise... "Do you have the full set of Velvet Fist collectibles?" heh Mmm. Foglio. * rw-rw-rw- passes AB an Ion Sucker. * AB hands 666 the Electric Tongue what a Kodak moment % So, has Deja lost loads of old postings then? Just yours, I think. certainly there aren't any postings from gkb@aber.ac.uk, and I know there were some posted before I started using X-No-Archive routinely Sounds like someone is going to a lot of trouble to erase your history. I would keep a sharp eye out if I were you. 1984 is here... * susan whistles innocently % seems somebody tried to rob a bank a half a mile from my place with a bomb ! many many many cops and stuff fire trucks news vans Gah. really dumb gawkers Natch. bomb == no gawking in my book % also, a couple of guys escaped from the minimum security prison on the edge of town and killed some guy they'd coerced into helping them Whee! people were trying to talk us into moving into a nearby neighborhood a while back we were like "Isn't that really close to that prison?" "Yeah, but it's just minimum security. They don't even have a fence! It's for people like Leona Helmsley and stuff." I'm thinking maybe they need a fence % * AB notes, for the record, that he is not offering to investigate the presence or absence of any non-visible piercings on hamlet. * shodan strikes AB's disclaimer from the record and notifies the HR drones . o O ( Wait, HR already knows AB; that won't work ) Right. They sit by Abuse. They're inured by now. Or scared fuckless . o O ( Fuckless? ) As in, without fuck % so. I just spent a good 8 minutes trying to figure out what that faint smell I was smelling was. finally gave up, and went downstairs for a snack. smell gets stronger. *ding* *I* know what that smell is! It's pot! laf no wonder you were hungry :) (From "100 Signs You're Not Murple", by Sitzkrieg) % *** bubbles has quit IRC (My damn controlling terminal disappeared!) * meri muahahahaha and adds to her stash of swiped controlling terminals. % * sitzkrieg snerks. "I vote Libertarian, as the very thought of dope-smokin' gun-totin' wife-swappin' atheist Ayn-Rand-worshippers running the country gives me a warm feeling in the cockles of my heart." % cool..some cop shot dead some d00d in the phda.pa site well..the station anyhow . o O ( We're sorry, but customers in the philadelphia area are experiencing a loss of service 'cos some dead dude squashed the fiber ) % Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American. . o O ( me fail engrish? that's unpossible! ) % "Long ago, when the Earth was new and Perl was young and clean, the type of sigil ($, @ or %) that was associated with a variable described what it evaluated to." "Regardless of the actual type of the variable being referred to, a leading $ on the access meant the result would be a scalar; a leading @ meant a list; a leading %, a hash." "But then the serpent of OO entered the garden, and offered Perlkind the bitter fruit of subroutine and method calls..." --Damian Conway, "Perl Exegesis 2," http://www.perl.com/pub/2001/05/08 /exegesis2.html % weather forecast (according to Fox news): Hot down south and cooler up north, with scattered showers possible along the eastern seaboard * MrFreeze shakes his head MrFreeze: That's like a TV Guide description of an X-Files episode! "Mulder suspects supernatural forces at work when someone dies under mysterious circumstances." % * UsagiJer puts ping-pong balls under his glasses, and taunts Nyarla * bubbles bequeaths all her kooks to nyarla * Nyarla shoots you both dead :( * UsagiJer taunts Nyarla from beyond the grave "Oh, bugger, I'm dead" If you are indeed dead, knock three times on the inside of your coffin. >silence< . o O (twice on the pipe if the answer is no) * Nyarla waits to see who kills her for truly heinous earworming * fimbul missed the reference * fimbul is saved by ignorance! % oh look..somebody turned off the internet . o O ( that woulda been a lot more convincing if i hadn't used irc to announce it ) % * bubbles ogles Leviathan Circumspectly * Leviathan preens. He gets that a lot, but takes care not to take his intensely magnetic sex appeal for granted. * Leviathan 's power over women would be too dangerous if left unchecked. % glorble Meri! meri must see clock! neep? meri at home in bed so what's this clock? A giant penis clock. Oh my. Keep it there until Monday! Whose clock is it? * AB was kidding, meri. Oh. =) * AB has no idea at all what kind of clock it is. * AB assumes Sanrio in nature, however. =) Well, would *you* have been surprised by a giant penis clock? Giant Penis Clocks *always* surprise me. % okay NOC monkies.... what's up with the bikini chix . o O (Maybe Nyarla's PO finally went through...?) % "Nothing brings the RCN Abuse staff together quite like gay pr0n." --Phil Rhinelander % * Murple watches tigger->domreg connection freeze i guess thats what happens when i try to do actual work. i guess thats a sign from god to go download more german scheisspr0n % * shodan finds a file in his homedir called "remalias.unfuck" % I hereby declare that central kentucky's aggregate SAN value has fallen low enough to be dubbed "the silicon holler" % . o O (confusion is one of our many weapons...) . o O (the others being...) sn00bs *laf* % Stating the bleeding obvious award: *** rw-rw-rw- is now known as | <|> On the con side, Lande points out that any time major players in <|> an industry get together, there's a chance their proposed project <|> is intended to benefit their interests more than those of the <|> industry at large. *** | is now known as rw-rw-rw- % y0w horror story from a developer friend: lead architect holds a meeting and his stated goal is to "remove all if() statements from the codebase." ! "Every time you see an if() you need another class." * leeann boggles object-happy madness uh... hows that supposed to work? ... fd = open (...) if (!fd) { heh (bet he'd go mad looking at assembly... can't hardly read a few lines of that without hitting a conditional branch.) heh "you need another class." "no, i need another job." yeah, no way could I last a week there "No, *you* need another class. In not coding like a tard." % anyone looked at SIMS recently? SIMS? Sun Internet Mail Server What is it? Canned sendmail? 666: Dunno. Write one, shell scripts around mh. :-> * scottm kicks 666 into the next dimension. (And while you're there, what's the gravity like?) (spacey) There's all this middle-eastern music and dancing on the ceiling. * cyNick notes to avoid 666's office this evening % Ok. panda.com is taken. So I thought I'd be smart! "I know! I'll register panda.com, but in Japanese!" Completely forgetting... panda in japanese is... panda. (doh!) % ROFL Your Mama's so fat that when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party Your Mama's had such an ugly baby that they had to feed it with a sling shot [snip about 15 minutes of non-stop "Your Mama's so ${adjective}" jokes from Synergist] Your Mama so fat, that when she sat on a corner the police came and said "break it up" * AB is stunned and amazed at the fact that we have not yet mined out this motherlode of comedy. % * pdh boggles someone just sent in a feature request for gnu tee(1) including patches, to suppress stdout. ... * pdh contemplates implementing this locally, and making it default behaviour iff argv[0] == "elbow". * leeann snerks of course, i'd also need to ``ln cat joiner'' and write "bung" -- while(<>); * pdh is bored. join foo bar | tee baz | y 1| elbow quux 2| bung * pdh replumbs his house in shell script. % * outb0rk almost feels bad for a customer who cancels and goes to a local competitor, only to have the local competitor bought by RCN. . o O ( You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. ) % *** hamlet (hamlet@portal.ofc.mbo.ma.rcn.net) has joined #commies hamlet!!! ophelia! outb0rk!! er what a piece of work is outb0rk... er.. is man. * meri . o O { heads. heads. heads. heads. } . o O ( Electra, have you seen your father around today? ) % * outb0rk learns an important lesson in fluid dynamics. Make sure the top is firmly on a juice bottle before shaking well. % ab = hot sauce fairy * outb0rk breaks envisioning this. heh ab in red leotards with big fairy wings Yep. and a sparkly magical wand with a pepper on the tip coredumps galore. and of course tinkly bells on his ballet slippers thanks murple, my brain just segfaulted * Murple bows % damnit. japanese junkfood is too good. im convinced that pocky is somehow involved in revenge for hiroshima. its some evil plot to get us all addicted, then turn us into mindcontrolled slaves by restricting the flow of pocky hmm perhaps by sharpening the cookie end of pocky in pencil sharpener, i could like, mainline them right into my veins, and get more pocky satisfaction for my buck % *** AB is now known as | <|> The WAVEFORM label began life in the summer of '93, when a being from England's Beyond label (inventors of the term "Ambient Dub") visited the UFO filled canyons of Sedona, Arizona, and mind melded with a radio type DJ who was also exploring new ambient and midtempo experimental electronica music from England and Europe. *** | is now known as AB . o O (This is one of the lesser benefits of enjoying the kind of music I like: Rampant comedy) % Sorry I didn't get down there for lunch today. Eh, no worries. There will be Other Times(tm). . o O ( Not if I have anything to do with it ) . o O ( * shodan eyes the big red button ) % Don't you love customers who send copies (without headers) of all spam they receive to their own ISP's abuse address (i.e. us), regardless of who sent the spam madwolf: I spend hours of my precious time educating them. If I had more time, then I'd write a book about email. Everything you wanted to know about email, but were afraid to ask. I'd like to write a very big book about it. Then hit them with it. % Bloody idiot cow-orker has now sent me the FOURTH message to my Lotus Notes mailbox in response to messages like: "When you reply to this message, change the "To:" entry at the top of the messages from my Notes address to my Internet address. He's a nice guy, polite, friendly, eager to help out. Just completely clueless. * wilhelm decides it just might be time to register youstupidfucker.com. % "The meetings by Engineering will continue until morale improves" % $MOLEST Lotus with $PAINFUL_BUGGERING_TOOL and $CORROSIVE_SOLVENT. and $OBSCENELY_HOT_SUBSTANCE hm. how about $OBSCENELY_HOT_CORROSIVE_SOLVENT? 2 for the price of 1 % net abuse "Erin Blatchley"@staffingpower.com /anal /anal /anal /probe="scuba tank full of dialtone" % I never code in the nude! (the laptop gets too damned warm) % A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts." % can you use control characters as delimiters? using -g would be fun. :) No, no it wouldn't :) . o O ( cat try.pl ) . o O ( *beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep*! ) . o O ( Curse you, sitz! ) . o O ( * sitz cackles madly and scampers off into a nearby forest. ) . o O ( * shodan sets the forest on fire ) % rw-rw-rw-: I'm not 4gh@news.sol.no any more, havent been for more than two years Gorgon: wow. that was almost a 24-hour * jpayne bows down in awe of Gorgon's prowess % * scromp tells someone he can talk to "the oracle" if he enters :(){(:|:)&};: on his command line.....and he does it "it just looked like gibberish." "The Oracle frowns upon your lack of faith" "What have you done to me, scromp?!?!" [Ed. Note: The ":(){(:|:)&};:" string turns out to be a bash forkbomb] % There's this business-hotel down by the freeway here. They're advertsisng T1 internet access. The name? "Wingate INN". I want to say, "You people are going to be *so* owned..." % geek unix question: can your salt be a space? err, not sure if i asked that properly or not. i.e., if you specify salt to be 'b ' Nah, don't think a space is valid for a salt you should try it sometime. perl -e "print crypt ('tmp', 'K ')" The output of that is this: K Uv2DJaq3WZk so it appears to work. Hm. * shodan gets a different crypted string. hahahahahha. K mBCoyD8ydRk ouch. try this one... perl -e "print crypt ('tmp', 'K')" * KirKryyn gets: KKUv2DJaq3WZk KKLDj1ZSPoVK6 Hmm. perl -e "print crypt ('tmp', 'Ki')" * KirKryyn gets: KiNLFkjfmzMB2 KiNLFkjfmzMB2 So. What did we learn today? :) While crypt /appears/ to work... it actually doesn't :) % we put _Carmina Burana_ on as UNET's hold music once.. the queue cleared instantly :) % * shodan RETURNS HOME FORGIVE ME FOR SHOUTING... DECIDED ON AN IMPULSE TO HAVE A DRINK AT KILROY'S. UNFORTUNATELY, THE ONLY STOOL AVAILABLE AT THE BAR WAS NEXT TO ONE OF THE BAND'S SPEAKERS. % * effect arrives home, quite drunk i wonder where my car is... % heh. i wish there was a "grab by nutsack" button on phones so you could really get your point across % oy vey. ? * Nyarla is reminded yet again that malamute bathing is an extreme sport. % So I just bought this house. It seems to have fleas. :( Since there's no pets here, regular vacuuming and a few weeks time should eliminate them, right? um... you need to kill the eggs I'm guessing. consult a professional. Put the house in a freezer (at least -10C) for a few weeks. Should do the trick. % Stop this wanton waste of spaces! Soon, there will be no more spaces, and *then* where will we be!? * meri weeps for the lost spaces. % * shodan returns home, phull of ph00d . o O ( And here we see a shodan, with... oh! This particular shodan has just been fed! This is a lucky sight, it doesn't happen very often! This particular shodan appears to be in a near-comatose state, and also requires a higher intake of nicotine than usual. Perhaps it aids the shodan's digestion! We haven't studied their anatomy very much. ) . o O ( ) * meri grins at shodan. * shodan almost writes "Notice the telltale bulge in the shodan's midsection", but that would have just summoned AB. * meri snickers. . o O ( * AB wakes up Hark! I sense that shodan has mis-spoken, and produced something worthy of a "!"! ) % * AB now has a Minion who does the Ren Faire thing. As Fimbul so aptly put it: "How the hell did you get hired?" % If we send people to Orientation... do we get Asian people back? * meri plots. % [snip discussion about Ren Faires] dude, the renaissance ended. it ended because, like, it sucked. if it didn't suck, we'd all still be wearing froofroo lace neck thingamabobs. % http://www.google.com/search?q=handjob&hl=en&safe=off&start=10 &sa=N haha that was in my referer logs why would you search for a handjob? Jer: Not all of us own rabbits. * AB wipes spit off his monitor * AB eyes phrog warily % picture my hot steaming naked body pressed up against yours with my tounge gently rubbing your ear while I whisper sweet nothings of "expand retention" into your ear. * coyote chokes on her coffee % So, one of the fun things at the moment, related to soon handing my boss a resignation letter, is the companion text, enumerating various historical, factual, and opinionated points about why I wish to leave Forefield and why I don't think it's necessarily going to last. Slarti: Can't you just say: "someone has to lead the pack/ rush/[whatever]"? Or "I hand in my resignation letter now, before there is a queue" ;) heh Well, I'm hoping that maybe the enumerations of tard-itude will inform them of things they need to improve, if they should choose to wake up and pull themselves out of the nose-dive. It's a vain hope, and ultimately not my problem, but it's the optimist in me, the little part of me that still sometimes likes to think that people in general aren't just completely fucked in the head. optimism is so 19th century % hmmm. this cold weather needs to like, stop. no way. it rocks. naaaah.. it's been nice its like, winter in july dude. this so isn't winter. it's 70. it was in the 60s last night so? 60s! unacceptable! ... what are you planning on doing about it? =) i don't see that you have much choice *but* to accept it. or move. * meri waves murple. =) * Murple gets out industrial sized CFC and CO2 tanks global warming now! % ugh. "honey mustard on the side" apparently translates to "slathered all over your sandwich" mm, sauce . o O ( ALL OVER YOU SANDWICH!!1! ) . o O ( BARELY-LEGAL TEEN HONEY MUSTARD ETC ETC ) % * Murple loves the variations on 7-11 used by wannabes Mart-11, 6-12, High-7 (i guess a mangling of Highs and 7-11)... * shodan still RILLY wants to open a conveniance store called "Try 'n Save" * badmonkey wanted to open a petstore catering to dogs called 'Dog Shit' I wanna merge A&P with Stop & Shop and call it Stop&P. % /channel why do I always hit space and then walk away and forget it 'cause you're a tard? % AB: We got a spammer going through every open relay in 208.58.*.*, one by one. It's fun. Guess we now have a reason to shut down all those open relays. =) Yup. O, and a reason to hang ourselves too! ; ) NO HANGING YOURSELVES UNTIL I HIRE EXTRA MINIONS! That is all. Aww, boss! * fimbul unties the noose from the light fxtures % outb0rk! * hamlet tackles outb0rk * AB watches hamlet and outb0rk get their piercings all tangled up. * hamlet giggles AB . o O (* hamlet tackles outb0rk) . o O () % * chiba whistles tunelessly and looks innocent ... Liar. . o O (* chiba looks innocent) . o O ( . o O ( !) . o O (* chiba stops looking innocent) . o O ( . o O ( chiba is the 7th Sign ) * chiba dons the 7th Sign Hat(tm) . o O ( My coworker brought on the Apocalypse and all I got was this dumb hat and eternal damnation ) % "Standard Deviation Not Enough For Perverted Statistician" --Headline from The Onion, date unknown % I hear someone yell "Did you know you have water leaking in the computer room?" My first reaction is "If we knew, do you think we'd all be sitting at our desks ignoring it? Then I noticed it was leaking on the NT rack and left the question unspoken... % * leaf writes "I no longer run the NOCWeb" on the board 50x * AB has a NOCWeb question * AB pokes leaf uh-oh . o O (* AB hears a whistling noise, not dissimilar to the sound a falling bomb makes in Bugs Bunny cartoons.) % hmm. shit. i should go to burning man. * shodan sets murple on fire Now you don't actually need to /go/ anywhere, and.. hrm. * shodan lights a cig on murple % hamlet: You realise that driving has nothing to do with getting from point A to point B, right? It's all about showing off your car and stereo and stuff. :) shodan: mmm... i've heard that, but the civic just ain't that much of a chick-magnet hamlet: It could be, if you gave it 0.5" of ground clearance and an exhaust pipe you could fit a basketball through. % ah, but bubbles has ANIME porn... :) hooray for hentai! all anime is porn Just some is less perverse than the rest % * outb0rk eyes shodan's regex warily. out: Not a vi regex. Oh. I try many of your regexs in vi. . o O ( Many of them fail. You have disappointed me for the last time, ADMIRAL shodan. * outb0rk puts his fingers together ... What're you doin'? Trying to strangle you from across the room. Bear with me. Oh. Okay, I'll wait. ) % * piraeus notes thiat he has consumed his requisite half pint of southern comfort and may now go sleep in peace, lets see the fucking cats wake me out THIS stupor by god % Yesterday there was a birthday thing for me and my boss (whose birthday is on Friday). And then, shortly after all that was cleaned up, I took him aside and tendered my resignation. (I wanted to make sure there'd been the opportunity for birthday cake first. Aren't I just the humanitarian.) % * AB ponders pronoun-antecedent agreement "AB whacks Slarti with his cane." Does the "his" in that sentence refer to AB's cane? Or Slarti's cane? AB: the lack of the reflexive pronoun and the reflexive possessive in the english language is well noted by everyone :> * rw-rw-rw- pokes Helios in the reflexive pronoun and watches all his accents twitch. % * rw-rw-rw- ponders what it would take to get teleline.es UDPed. cooperation from news admins around the net? * rw-rw-rw- smax AB with a rhetorical question. % ahh...nothing like that warm feeling deep inside when I get to smack down the security group does the name 'eric' mean anything to you, in a security group context ? no different guy the guy I'm actually going off on is somewhat of an innocent low level guy on their side he's just the target of opportunity :) he's also constantly been pretty good natured every time I smack him down, so I feel kinda guilty about it must be losing my bofhly edge. more ldap for pennance. % net bugger microsoft.com /options=all 666: you tried buggering them with a flaming concorde? options=all includes flaming concordes. ah. good options=all also includea Count Dracula's Coffin, the Washington Monument, and a solid sodium sousaphone. % Ah, excellent. we now have full access to books24x7.com I want full access to Bill Gates' liver! Well, with everything you've buggered him with, I would've thought you'd already have it. Nah, every time I run "net bugger" I get an error in "access.dll". not "illegal operation"? Windows is above the law. % Hm, I think my fridge is making up for lost time Things are starting to freeze in the *fridge* compartment I think if I open the freezer, I'll find that all molecular activity has stopped inside. . o O ( We've secretly replaced shodan's Whirlpool fridge with a Cryo-Tech Deep-Freeze 9000(tm). Let's see if he notices! ) % Does anyone know if trepenation works for relieving sinus pressure? Given that nobody in this channel has ever trepanned themselves, I would say that none of us could answer that question. I was hoping for anecdotal evidence. Personally, I wouldn't trust the opinions of anybody whacked out enough to drill a hole in their own skull. % [snip URL discussing the development of PCs for cars] That's not going to increase traffic accidents. Nope. that's great, now we'll have people .. bork wins i can see someone, phone cradled in their neck, flipping thru the list of music on their in-dash pc ...just before they rear-end someone in traffic. bah. who needs music. p0rn on the road! on a headsup display Oooooooh.... hell... just make a Pr0nHelmet "heads" "up" display . o O (MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST DRIVE THROUGH?!) .oO { "I dunno, but she seemed to like it..."} % * AB sits sitz (heh) down into an old wooden chair in the middle of a dark room. * AB turns on a naked overhead light hanging down from the ceiling. ! * shodan dusts off his Implements of Torture. (Cool, I can finally use these! Lemme at 'im!) ! Ah-HAH! ! So YOU'RE the one who stole those from Abuse Central! % Claiming that Virginia has inadequately prepared for extraterrestrial invasions, Larry W. Bryant and two colleagues filed a lawsuit in June in Alexandria, seeking to force Gov. James Gilmore to empanel a grand jury to investigate alien abductions, to train the National Guard to handle attacks from outer space, and to cover abductees under civil rights laws meant for rape victims. Bryant told the APBnews service that he was especially worried about the "dark, silently floating flying triangles" that observers have noticed and that Gilmore has neither explained nor put a stop to. uh. beyond having exobiologists ready to tell you what sort of bread and salt you should serve them I'm not sure that preparing to meet a superior technology with force is a good idea. % *** scottm is now known as | <|> I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log <|> in with a password.... now you have to understand he's got somewhat <|> of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect... <|> so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in <|> "penis"... <|> I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the <|> computer replied: <|> *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH *** <|> *** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE *** *** | is now known as scottm % [ducky provides technical advice to the RCN NOC staff. Time passes.] did it work? dunno yet..he's off tryin it tho i hope that it is taking this long cuz he's dancing with joy or somethin or at least dry humping the server % well can you destroy the earth? ee gads, I hope not...thats where I keep all my stuff! % god damn its a beautiful jazz saturday mornin :P thanks for rubbin that one in Don't feel bad about it, dispatch. badmonkey only knows about it 'cause he read it on a website. =) % Can you turn this guy on? whats he into? % I used to know a bastard named Rick who spelled his name with a silent 'p' or at least I spelled it that way :P % * meri puts a hello kitty shower cap on a little stuffed panda. Ok. That looks really wrong. Cuteness reaches critical mass, and meri's panda explodes. % I'm getting so fucking suck of spanish-language spam from teleline.es. . o O (/topic #bofh I'm getting so fucking suck) fucking suck? Don't ask me. * AB points at 666 * jpayne was looking @ 666 s/u/i . o O (ficking suck?) * AB eyes 666 warily How does a Windows geek know about UNIX editor comands? What did you do with AB? You also forgot the delimiter at the end of s/u/i * AB wiggles his eyebrows at 666 % "Michael Douglas plays Tom Sanders, an executive involved in the manufacture of "Corridor," a virtual reality database. There are problems on the assembly line that may jeopardize a merger." "Corridor is some software program, all right. Users stand in the center of a network of light beams that track their movements. They wear a headset that creates the illusion that they are wandering the corridors of a Greco-Roman temple lined with filing systems. They reach out a hand, and files come into view, which can be searched and accessed. In other words, for hundreds of thousands of dollars, busy executives can do the work of file clerks." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Disclosure" % * shodan gets spam about SNOR-GON * shodan makes a bad sci-fi movie about SNOR-GON, the giant marmoset % "Look. I'm on YOUR side. I want to help you get through this. But my boss... He's this howling demon with a single pulsating red eye. I don't even like to think what would happen to you if HE found out about this. He'd sodomize you with a barn." "So, unless you like barns a whole lot..." --Fimbulvetr, using the "good cop/bad cop" routine on a first-time spammer % Hee! http://www.sptimes.com/News/051301/NorthPinellas/ Man_s_house_is_home_t.shtml I like this guy. * AB reads fimbul URL, notes that the guy sounds like a right kook. An Ackerman-quality kook, in fact. yawp. but funny. he's amusing, from afar. Pah. I can easily imagine a phone call complaint from this guy. "Your user didn't agree with me in alt.conspiracy! I demand that you take action!" Even easier to imagine would be the case where he was a customer, and we were having to LART him for posting real names, addresses and phone numbers to Usenet. ...you know, you're sucking all the fun out of my twit- watching When I think of him in that light, my stomach lurches Merely trying to place things in their proper perspective. Well stop it, dammit, I'm trying to enjoy the trials and tribulations of others quit making me empathize % "Marketers are greedy morons. They don't see the big picture of "If there are several thousand large companies who only want to send you just *one* perfectly legitimate bit of email marketing, that'll clog up your mailbox to the point of uselessness." All they see is "Look, MY company is just sending you one lousy email! What's wrong with that?" It's this notion that "We have the right to invade your privacy to potentially make money off of you" which marketers have, and which I find so dreadfully wrong. If you put a lawyer and a marketer in front of me and told me that I had to shoot one of them or else the entire state of Minnesota would vanish in a cloud of nuclear particles, I'd cap the marketer without hesistation." "I confess some bitterness in this regard, however. Just in case you couldn't tell." --Afterburner, 8/31/99 % Somebody set up us the Senate. We get Majority CNN Turn ON It's Jeffords! "How are you, Gentlemen? All your Committee are belong to us!" What Daschle Say? "You have no chance to Drill Alaska Make your fuel mileage." % >>>On Thu, 22 Jul 1999 04:12:25 GMT, Daldaar >>>wrote: >>> >>>There are lesbains that are funny but still sick on E narr and >>>Rodect Nife. They always say something like I thing i'm encumbered >>>bacause I have to much cum in my pants. >>wqm@spammityspam.com (wqm@earthlink.net) sez: >> >> >>This gets my vote for best post to the NG - *ever*. It just >>works on so many levels. >Desdinova wrote in message <3796fbff.2493777360@news.rcn.com>... > >No no... If you give it an award, you just cheapen it. >Admire it for what it is: art in its purest form. I agree. Think of the time that went into each turn of phrase, from the clever misspelling to gain credibility to the concluding total non sequitur. I'm mightily impressed. Trolling's finest hour. - Bob --A post from alt.games.everquest % [16:59] * AB --> make coffee [16:59] yay, coffee! [16:59] Actually, if past history is any guide, it'll be more like: * AB --> make coffee --> forget about coffee --> remember coffee right before going to bed --> turn off coffee pot --> go to bed without having drank any coffee * shodan will remind you * shodan pokes AB. Drank your coffee yet? * shodan pokes AB. Drank your coffee yet? * shodan pokes AB. Drank your coffee yet? * shodan pokes AB. Drank your coffee yet? * shodan pokes AB. Drank your coffee yet? *** ducky sets mode: +b *!*shodan@*.shodan.net *** shodan was kicked by ducky (CTCP flood detected - autokick activated) % "'Pearl Harbor' is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Pearl Harbor," 05/29/01 % I miss my first car Nothing says "chick magnet" like a '79 shit-brown Buick Regal, billowing white clouds of smoke out of the transmission. . o O ( * shodan pulls up to a stoplight ) . o O ( Hey, your car's on fire. Yeah! I'm DANGEROUS, baby! Wanna fuck? ) % "Leaving work means going home. Going home means staying home. Weekends mean I can stay home all weekend." --Clayton O'Neill % "If I wanted to go out and do stuff, I wouldn't buy all this expensive shit for my house." --Zakk % "Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thy bases? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; or, if thou wilt not, set thine self up the Bomb and I'll no longer be a Capulet. For the main screen hath turned on, and I have signal to mine heart!" "Romeo: [aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this? She hath no chance for survival, and should maketh her time. But should I sendeth the Bomb, or shall I launch all Zigs? What happen, forsooth I am lost! Captain?!??" --Seen on www.amiallyourbaseornot.com % To launch, or not to launch, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the base to launch all zigs against outrageous cats, or by following the way of destruction to end them. To main screen turn on, perchance to get signal... % gnarl: does snadra know about your fascination with her man's dick ? I wouldn't call it a fascination oh obsession ? interest ? passing fancy ? topic for master's theses ? . o O (source of parts for horrible Frankenstein-esque monster?) . o O (lunch?) * ton *snort* I'm just saying that snadra is progressing to the point where she feels very open Man. Gnarl. We need to talk about your tendency to deliver killer straight lines. heh I think that might be considered a "lob" it's from watching a lot of Abbot and Costello in my youth % "You blocked my access to the internet with your ad of May 26 2001 If I do not receive a written apology I will write the FCC and let them decide how you did this." --Actual complaint received by abuse@rcn.com, 05/27/01 % * scottm comes to the realization that getting rid of a vendor is sorta like one of those horror flicks where the guy breaks up with his girlfriend and she refuses to accept it. that's OK. in those horror flicks, you know how persistently shooting her with a shotgun eventually makes her give up? works on vendors, too. % What access lists were Shrew and company working on ? your mom's hole he opened it up to the world Syn go fucking sit and rotate bitch. you sorry worthless fuck you can't sysadmin a fucking vcr Show's how much you know VCR"s don't need a sysadmin I know wortless when I see it and your the fucking poster child % [AB visits traffic court. Some d00d has been ticketed for driving over 80 mph in a school zone, and has had his license revoked for 90 days. The d00d has requested a restricted license...] Judge: Are you in college, son? d00d: Yes your honor. Judge: George Mason? d00d: Yes, your honor. Judge: What's your GPA? d00d: Uh...2.3 your honor. Judge: Are you on your summer break, son? d00d: Yes, your honor. Judge: Good. Stay at home, then. Request for restricted license denied. % Coming down 70, there's a couple big signs that say "FOG AREA" I thought "That's strange, but okay, I guess." I didn't really have proper tools with me, so I just pulled over and poured three quarts of oil on a hot intake manifold. I didn't really fog the area, but I did leave a pretty good cloud in my lane for about fifty miles. % 3 19 year old hookers not buying anything big... paying for stuff i already bought :) % See, i think the real cause of the spot in the men's room is lawn gnomes that animate at night and go pee, but can't reach the urinal. when in doubt, it's the lawn gnomes fault, right? your always so quick to blame it on the gnomes. you totally ignore all their positive aspects. % When u go on and you click acount the page loads than u click on new acount u enter ur key code to make ur acount i hope we get are key codes soon !! *TWITCH* Altho, I like his sig: The only true knowlidge is the knowlidge that you know nothing "knowlidge" . o O ( AAAAAAGGHH!! YOU'RE A MORON!! DIE!! DIE AND STOP BREATHING MY OXYGEN! AGHAGAGAAAHAHAGAAGH!! *paf* ) % man. I don't miss working in tech support at all. * shodan neither. Probably because I never did. you have chosen wisely. * aeris shudders at the memories working tech must be even worse for chix0rs, I should think. you get hit on by slimy guys (and a few customers), and some of the customers don't think you can do support 'cause you've got breasts. which is a *totally* erroneous assumption. I've seen the guys in techsup. A lot of them have breasts. % it's fascinating how you can get 600K/sec one day and 23 bytes/sec the next you're getting 23 bytes/sec? you lucky bastard yes and they're all mine! you hear? mine! % Sirs I have been hacked by RCN5-DOM 105 Carnegie St, Princeton, NJ I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, DON'T BELONG TO ANY GROUPS ANYWHERE. i AM 73 YEARS OLD. PLEASE JUST ASK WHAT YOU'D LIKE, & YOU CAN HAVE IT. --Actual email received by abuse@rcn.com, 6/20/01 % Gah. We set up virtual hosting website with SSL for customer. We give them the IP address for the site and tell them, since they run the DNS to point the www.xxx.blah.com name to the IP address so the site will work. They refuse to do this because when they type the *IP address* into a browser, it comes up with a generic page, not their site. We tell them "It's not going to work until you point the DNS to the IP address". They refuse to point DNS to the IP address until the IP address "works". . o O (Call on line one for Joseph Heller) % * shodan giggles * shodan eyes himself warily * shodan chuckles in a more manly fashion % * hamlet eyes netcool warily you know theoretically it would be really, say, useful? if they could, i dunno, TRAIN us on the nms tools we use Where do you think you are? At a company that makes sense? so that, in theory of course, we would know how to interpret more than say, 3 differnt kinds of alarms * shodan stabs the "Independant Thought Alarm" button under his desk repeatedly, and eyes hamlet warily % "I'm headed to the vending machines, as a result, the entire organization has been restructured temporarily. You'll receive the new org charts in a week, at which point, they'll be completely invalid." % Could you actually play Diablo II under WINE? Or would it just Suck(tm)? * DizzyDog plays D2 via vmware forwarded to the javascript vnc client in Netscape on a mac. * AB smax DD % . o O ( When news breaks, we bring you the pieces ) % w00t! our new MBO style chairs are here YES!!!!! no more back problems nod local corp facilities d00d freaked on me about them "these aren't RCN standard" that cause the standard SUCKs but they cost over $300 each so do the hammers the military buys % hmmm bj's. % you know... the oreos in the vending machine foil packets are seriously cream deficient compared to standard issue oreos % * Murple shuts down global commerce on the internet yay! Wait. * shodan checks to see if he has any outstanding amazon orders or anything. Ah, nope. Fire when ready, murple % [snip discussion of various innocuous books being banned from high schools across the country] Eh, people haven't learned yet that banning books makes them more attractive to kids. I always chuckle when I see that some dolt has banned Thackeray or the like 'cause I imagine some pimply high schooler reading _Vanity_Fair_ and wondering where the hot monkey lovin is. % i protested at having to read the bible as required reading for my senior year the entire fucking bible ! heh, that would have never flown not where I went to school anyway you ever try to do a book report on the bible? "and then there was lots of begatting." lol Meri: yes. I got in trouble when my parenthetical citations looked like: (God, 143). * meri rotfl at fimbul. % "If you are presently in financial straits but still feel hopelessly horny and kinky, _Bondage_on_a_Budget_ is the book for you. Filled with delicious scenarios requiring no more than simple household items and a little imagination, this guide to DIY S/M explodes the myth that adventurous sex requires a dungeonful of expensive custom- made paraphernalia. From A to Z, Tyler explores the many ways a clever couple can get more bang for their buck." --User-submitted review on Amazon.com % I don't get the mormons...they say there's only so many slots in heaven...yet they try to convert everybody to their religion If I thought there was only a specific number of spaces, I damn sure wouldnt go tellin everybody % Oooh. I think I need to play Mario64. "Let's Pickle!" meri: ??? Ever play Mario64? nope Ok. Well. Um. When you start a level, Mario shouts something. The closest we've been able to parse it as is "Let's Pickle!" Or maybe Tickle. It all makes sense, I promise. . o O ( Let's Trickle! ) . o O ( Let's Ripple! ) . o O ( Let's Nipple! ) "Let's fuck shodan!" ! % *urp* did sitz make too much pasgheti [x] yes [ ] no well, only one thing for it.... I'll have to stay awake until I'm hungry enough to finish it. (it's the only way to be sure.) % So. my roommate just back from Ye Olde hax0r Con in Las Vegas. apparantly the con set a record for most hotel bar alchohol consumed in one evening. Beating out the RAF. <-- amused beyond measure % In highschool I wanted to be the superhero that enforced flushing of public urinals: Flush Gordon! % * Culimerc listening to djfrog suddenly realizes that disco is alive and well * AB hands Culimerc a knife "You know what to do." % can someone throw something at yacob for me? =) * AB grabs a piano * AB takes careful aim at yacob Is careful aim really required when throwing a piano? well. you sit near him. Ah, yes i would think you would want ab to aim carefully. =) % * badmonkey puts in a req for a mr turtle pool, $2000 of oatmeal, $800 of milk. % * bubbles decides this is a good time to head home.. now that she is lightheaded and likely to take out the most other cars in rush-hour traffic % Here in mrf.va it's the rainy season. 8000000% humidity and god knows what the temp really is. Alls I know is I swim to my car. % [Murple returns from an outing to the local Asian grocery store] i scored a bunch of random soups oh man i fear this one... the english description is "japanese style alimentary paste" holy shit this one soup cup has 92% of daily sodium * Murple has stroke just handling package % I gotta cook up these chicken breasts we've had sittin in the fridge for a week anyway before they kill us they're marinating in lysol right now % * shodan -> ATM -> ph00d -> hme0 -> AC -> sleep -> mrf -> hme0 -> ph00d -> AC -> sleep -> mrf -> hme0 -> etc . o O ( * Shodan plans out his entire week ) % best spades game I almost saw was a team who was getting their ass kicked and bid blind-nil. the kicker was, they woulda had it, if one of them hadn't fucked up. So you're saying that they woulda pulled off a stunning, come- from-behind victory, if not for the fact that they didn't? % GOD HELP ME, I'M SINGING C&W SONGS! C&W? * Nicolai wonders, momentarily, if Cable and Wireless has a company song Yippi-yi, ki ay, get along little lusers. It's all your misfortune and none of my own... % * scromp shoots rw-rw-rw- * rw-rw-rw- throws up on scromp. * scromp wipes himself off on scottm * scottm changes his clothes and tosses the old ones into a furnace. * scottm shakes his fist at scromp. . o O { The violence inherent in the sysadmins... } % Co-worker: Why do you have a Macintosh in here? Nostalgic? Me: It's the console for my PDP-11. % I just had some doritos for dinner . o O (and breakfast and lunch... I'm surprised I'm still alive..) % * Prowler runs to bed *** sitzkrieg is now known as bed * bed runs down the street. * bed veers around a corner, and heads for madagascar. % my wife consistently kicks my ass at minesweeper :) I'm the minesweeper champ of my home prowler: don't you live alone? minor detail % *** rubia (rubia@207-172-53-197.s197.tnt4.brd.va.dialup.rcn.com) has joined #commies Hi! hi! !ih !H ... apparently i'm unreachable % *** yacob has quit IRC (Free the mallocs!) ! NO! THE MALLOCS MUST BE KEPT IN CAPTIVITY! * AB nods meri They don't know how to live in the wild! % *** sitzkrieg is now known as | <|> There have also been reports of scheduling problems. If only one <|> thread is running, things go slow. Avoid this by starting another <|> client. This may lead to a 2-to-10-fold increase in execution <|> speed thereafter for the other thread. *** | is now known as sitzkrieg Gotta love irix. ... "If things are running slow, start more stuff"? that's what the mysql docs say. % . o O ( RCN: The Spidermonkey of Communications ) . o O ( Flinging Feces Throughout the East Coast and California! ) % bob: cockring? flock: wish i knew damn, was hoping he'd say "i don't know what to do with a cockring" I can see where you might hope that, Flock. [Ed. note: bob is an infobot] % . o O ( What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. Or, it just hurts a whole lot. ) % check out www.bosshoss.com not being a motorcycle enthusiast... oh com 'on these things are just nutty a chevy enginge in a trike? the one on the left looks ok, the one on the right I wouldn't be caught dead on I think that's the charm I always wanted a 57 chevy & a bike, now I can have both suffice it to say I think it needs some flames down the side, some fuzzy dingleballs on the bars, hydraulics so you can make the front end bounce, an extended tailpipe, and some Menudo coming out of the speakers I'm there! except for the Menudo part % anyone around who can describe the spg.va switching fabric? or point me at a map? * meri quickly scribbles out a spider web. snrk * shodan gets a crayon and draws a big cloud with "Internet" on it, and hands it to caz you guys We may not be helpful, but we try to entertain! % * shodan makes fun of jer's heritage, whatever it may be . o O ( Hm, that just doesn't work generically. ) . o O ( Your $PARENT is so $WEIGHT_IMBALANCE, that when $PRONOUN $VERB... nah. ) Your $PARENT is so $ADJECTIVE, $HUMOROUS_EXAGGERATED_DESCRIPTION % * bubbles 's mail account is still showing up as inactive * shodan spins the Wheel of Blame * shodan lands on "Lose a Turn" . o O ( Damn! ) . o O ( * shodan lands on the "$1,000,000" tile ) . o O ( *** Signoff: shodan (Seeya, fuckers!) ) % excellent line will not be installed today * meri cheers Bell Atlantic * shodan channels siva for meri SURPRISE! COCKSUCKERS! GLAGHAHAGGAHAGHGHAHHA! *snicker* . o O ( And feel free to quote me on that, btw ) % so if cisco finds a new bug based on data I sent, do they name it after me? The Prowler Bug? . o O ( Coming soon to a theatre near you ) * shodan suddenly finds himself in the UK, and quickly s/theatre/theater/ Crap, now I'm not sure if I'm spelling either correctly s/theater/place with the stuff/ % * shodan watches his modem disconnect, apparently all on its own * shodan thinks there's modem gnomes in his apartment * meri . o O { damn. he's discovered the gnomes. } The least they could do is clean, or something. but they're modem gnomes. if you wanted cleaning, you should have ordered cleaning gnomes. * shodan needs some multi-purpose gnomes % * shodan starts a religious cult based on murple ooh money this cult thing has potential Yeah, and you don't hafta pay taxes either if you're a religion, is my understanding dont i get to score with brainwashed chix0rs too? and guns... I know I get guns... * shodan wonders if he can market a Cult Starter Kit A few assault rifles, ammo, Suicide Jello(tm) mix, and generic mad-libs-style propaganda templates Oop, and sewing patterns for plain cloth robes s/Jello/Kool-Aid That too you need to toss in the deed to some farm in some backwards state or 3rd world country too Ah, right. . o O (suicide jello would be a lot more fun, mind you) Can't be much of a cult without a plot of land out in the middle of nowhere. nyarla: 'sides, Suicide Jello is deceptive, in that it sounds like it's merely strongly alcoholic :) suicide jello-shots? * shodan nads jzp * Nyarla grins why not suicide body-shots off of the brainwashed chix0rs? * jzp waggles eyebrows suggestively That might be more fun whooot! . o O (where do we sign up for this cult?) * Nyarla hands jzp a cigar to go with they eyebrow thing "Dear Mr Shodan. I have extensive experience in brainwashing, and as a 15 yr member of the Church of the SubGenius, I have extensive experience establishing and destroying cults. Resume attached; please do not use the trigger word when interviewing any former sex slaves. signed [jzp]" % anyone know how to wire funds? can a bank do it? from bank -> another bank? * jzp nods cool "i want to do a wire transfer" i assume there's some minimal charge for the service? of course its the american way heh theres always western union, though they rape you on fees . o O ( and when western union is gone, there's always mom ) hi mom! .oO{ Hi Mom! } jzpwins * Nyarla snorks I can spot the laurie anderson fan in... % "Bother," said Pooh. "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin you have the bridge." --Source unknown % FREE PORN!! FREE PORN!! FREE PORN!! "Free the porn." "Porn wants to be free!" "if it was really yours it will come back" % * arcas has had zero luck extracting any useful information out of either Datafab or Philips so maybe I won't be doing any usb-storage development afterall :-/ <_Anarchy_> arcas: philips are non permeable. Clues dont pass in, info doesnt pass out % I need something to shrink my nipples. They have a tool like that? % greetings from Berkeley... speaking of payroll... seems that payroll hasn't shown up in san mateo or berkeley. we were expecting california to sink % I feel a compelling need to go fetch Badtz Maru toilet tissue at Neo Fancy World. "Wipe your Bum, with Badtz!" % * shodan quits Asheron's Call long enough to clean his desk * shodan notices that the coke used by wendy's is better at forming mold than the type used by mcdonald's % I need to find a way to fund research into a urine-free cat. % * piraeus poketh das * AB tries to determine if that's an old English version, i.e. two syllables "poke-eth" Or if it's some one-syllable Daffy Duck, Sylvester the Cat sort of lisp. if lisp wouldn't das be dath? Oo! * AB scores scottly five bonus points. Good eye, man. * AB gives himself a demerit. % * kurt -=> search for pneumatic and porn and hope he doesn't find any penis-pumps. * kurt gets pamela anderson as the first hit.. bwahahahaha % where is the quotes file anyway? RIGHT BEHIND YOU! LOOK OUT! http://www.erols.com/aburner/quotes.txt . o O { the quotes file you are about to read is already in your house. } THE QUOTES FILE CUT THE POWER % . o ( He drops his tensions on her patch, and she rubs it in like a coconut hair conditioner. ) % two words that do *not* belong together.. streaming and pr0n. depends what you're into... and , times being what they are... naked chix0rs in a stream making out? Sounds cool to me.... Watching streaming video keeps your hands free, so you don't have to keep clicking on images :) shodan: enough sharing! . o O ( unclean...unclean ) lol % * caz waves. off to photosynthesize photo... hey wait! that'll kill you! . o O ( geeks and sunlight don't go together! ) % * meri gapes at dell. The Inspiron standard port replicator doesn't have ethernet on it. wtf. replicator? what? Inspiron? Is that a Galaxy Class Federation Cruiser? * meri thwaps kurt. % *blink* A documentary about Tammy Faye Bakker... ...narrated by RuPaul Isn't that one of the Seven Signs? % greetings work entities bob: seen phreeq phreeq was last seen on IRC 0 seconds ago, saying: bob: seen phreeq [Sat Aug 5 17:24:53 2000] % * meri keeps dropping her wiggly water worm. % Prepare for the end! The apocalypse is nigh upon us! * AB just did yardwork % doh * shodan returns with only part of the groceries he was planning to get * shodan has sauce but no pasta . o O ( * shodan just drinks the sauce ) get some bread and put the sauce in the microwave and then dip the bread in the sauce and eat crumble with tums. serve. % * mikewd wishes to borrow the $PAINFULL_BUGGERING_DEVICE from 666 to use on Cisco for using incompatible flash formats between Catalysts and routers mikewd: What would you like? The LART/Buggering warehouse is out of Eiffel towers, would a Millennium Dome do? well I was think something a bit more pointed but I guess the spiky bits on the roof would do How about the San Jacinto Monument? The 3d star on the end will just add that special poignancy. Hmm, ISTR there's a New-York-scale statue of liberty in there. Any special covering required? We can do chocolate, piri-piri and/or Dave's Insanity Sauce pre-delivery. Now there's an opportunity. e-delivery of painful buggering tools. www.painfulbuggeringtools.com. % ON DELETE RESTRICT ON UPDATE RESTRICT sql gives me a stiffy ON DANCER ON PRANCER % i want combination scotch tape/detcord. "Great for sealing envelopes you may need to destroy at a moment's notice!" % from a mailing list i'm on: A girl in the elevator of my building, to her boyfriend: "I swear, if you quote Blazing Saddles one more time, I'm going to drag you back to the apartment, and shove the tape up your ass." % . o O ( the manual said to make sure the tnt was clean and free of dust, so I filled it up with washing-up liquid ) % * scottly should pace himself better with these penguin mints you really shouldnt eat the whole box in one sitting *nod* * scottly crushes whole tin of penguin mints and mixes with bottle of bawlz % anybody go outside this week? expn: outside ? the "big" room ? the one with the realistic graphics? % anyone know the date that we get paid next? you get paid for dates? doesn't that make you a gigilo? that makes him a man-whore mangina "you ungrateful he-bitch!" * kurt quickly runs away from the direction this conversation is going. lol nah, it's from deuce bigelow "if i had 10 more mangina's like you in my stable I'd be a rich man" we don't really run a male prostitution ring. shh.. don't tell Synergist that, or he'll stop paying. % * shodan <- AC * shodan -> EQ . o O ( When Games Collide ) Tonight, on a very special "#Commies" % * Nyarla points to her tattoo and to the "TOLKIEN GEEK" sign hanging over her head back in my fanfic-writing dayz, I had (uncompleted) plans of doing this piece linking Turin Turambar and Elric of Melnibone ;) <-- PATHETIC GEEK % feh * scromp hears the bofh mating call * scromp peers at winter warily _Call of the BOFH_ by Jack London. % in mutt how do you forward a message with the attachments? bark at it . o O ( WOOF! wtf, not working! ) ROFL % whoah alec guiness died now THAT is a loss eh? wtf is alec guninness? uh Synergist: ben kenobi obi wan kenobi? ahh damn amongst other characters he's much stronger now that's he's dead % * AB gets a certified letter from the IRS The IRS is apparently unhappy with me. uhoh ... welcome to my world * AB hides behind Murple, thus presenting a more attractive target % its pretty simple... i am the center of the universe. therefore my opinion is always right. therefore anyone who disagrees with me is wrong. therefore their very existence is an affront to all that is good and proper in the universe. * outb0rk has a problem with the Murple-centric view of the Universe. It conflicts with the b0rk-centric view. % i assure you that you do not wish to see me in a bikini * AB notes that his first instinctive response to that statement, while well-meaning, would likely get him killed. % * Nyarla waits for her Hello Kitty scooter to arrive so she can zip thru the halls of mrf waving the big sword % meri: sudden image -- Kurosawa-style samurai flick redone with Sanrio characters! ! ... s/Kurosawa/Jerry Bruckheimer/; s/samurai/mindless action/ * AB manages to squick himself. Kitty and Daniel on motorcycles, chasing Badtz Maru thru a city to rescue My Melody * AB nods Daniel packing 2 9mm's , John Woo-style * AB was actually imagining Hello Kitty running in slow motion through an abandoned air field, somehow managing to outrun the blast of a huge explosion. AB: with those little legs? If Nicholas Cage can do it... *laf* no way. they should remake classic porno movies with sanrio characters. that way theyll have something they could bundle with the hello kitty vibrators. ... Eww. * meri thwaps murple * AB *five* Murple Yellow Card! man. % Hey caz, you ever get that.... not so fresh feeling? seth, i never feel fresh. % * u-ben needs to dump core . o O ( set coredumpsize=0 ) Remember to flush. . o O ( set flushaftercoredump=1 ) % Raves used to be cool. Then all the ravers started going to them. % BAHAHAHAHAHA ! "Now that Bell Atlantic has become Verizon, rest assured... our dedicated service fleet isn't going anywhere. You can count on Verizon." (Note: These are the folks that went on strike Sunday.) So the ad speaks the truth. The fleet ISN'T going anywhere. Heh. It's all sitting at the dispatch office. Not quite what they were trying to convey with the commercial, methinks. =) % * shodan starts going to bed . o O ( A long, tedious, involved process, requiring me to get out of my chair ) % AB: No sign of EAM1 today? meri: Nyet. foo Nor EAM#3 Neat! Male Minions are here. Female Minions are not. The gremlins got them! * AB suspects some sort of gender-based conspiracy * AB reconsiders the wisdom of hiring a 3rd female Minion % And so our invincible Army of Dorkness grows. Bwahahahahahaa! % bahahahah http://www.paylars.com/ "PayLars.com gives Metallica fans the chance to make a donation to the band to make up for all the revenue the band thinks it's losing to online MP3 trading." * kurt sends them half a penny in a big box with a cement block, COD. % me just noticed there is a fire emergency route posted in the women's restroom * bubbles considers that there is only one way out of there.. so if there's a fire close enough for me to figure it out while in the bathroom... it's prolly too late % * sitzkrieg notes that VW has a 'dune' version of the new beetle in 'concept car/testing' mode. dune? as in buggy? or as in some bizzarre kinda Frank Herbie? the spice must flow Powered by the biggest fucking worm you ever saw! fuck that i want the worm you could kick some serious ass with one of them plus, you could be a spice kingpin Yeah, but you can't exactly ride one around in a city (which is what /I/ would've wanted to use one for). Gotta have a buncha sand and stuff for them to go through well if you crush the city to rubble, youd end up with sand Ah, there's that no, you'd have rubble. if you crush it to /sand/, you have sand. Sheesh. % * shrew ponders getting out of his seat and killing bubbles * bubbles turns on her fan.. the breeze will keep shrew back.."can't.. fight...wind..." bubbles: i just turn sideways and slice the air, that way it goes around me hrm.. there is that.. very aerodynamic and stuff * bubbles hands shrew a spoiler * shrew should test self in a wind tunnel. % "Her name was Lola.. she was a showgirl... AAAGGGHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOO % So tech support calls me and tells me that the migration is supposed to end on September 31st. "Um. There is no September 31st." "That's what I was saying. It's supposed to end on August 31st. But someone up here keeps saying September 31st." "No. You don't understand. There is *no* September 31st." "What do you mean?" "... September 30th is followed by October 1st. There is no September 31st." "Oh." % * Murple reads irs web site and begins to go postal You've been beginning to go postal for as long as I've known you. well this time im beginning to go rilly rilly postal . o O ( Murple doesn't actually /go/ postal; he just queues up.. uh.. postalness. ) % fishtown was grubby, but it was mostly drugs and hooking and smash-and-grab, not a *lot* of violent crime...tho' the cops still didn't show up much faster when things did get ugly there was one particularly notorious case where this kid got beaten to death in a parking lot, folks were calling 911 from the start of the fight but the operators totally fux0red everything Gah. yeah all the really gory fucked up violent crimes happen in nice yuppie neighborhoods when some yuppie snaps in scummy ghetto hoods, you usually wont get fucked with by the thugs if you dont fuck with them. most of the crime is pretty small stuff. Yah, well, I'd rather casually worry about my lawn-obsessed neighbor's hold on reality than look over my shoulder every time I go to the corner market to buy beer thats why you give the crackhead 2 bucks to go buy you the beer. you get beer without going out, the crackhead gets a few bucks towards his next rock, everyones happy % ! My squishy cow just leapt off my monitor! * meri eyes the squishy cow warily. % * shmit . o O (N00 Semen Candy! Now tastes more like Daddy!) mischan % Some dork at gtsgroup.com just emailed everyone in the company 1.2M of powerpoint attachments, but that's not the best bit The best bit is that they then say that some of the presentation's too small to read on-screen, so we have to print it out. Beam me up, Scotty. er, this means the person(s) who run(s) the mail system(s) can set their flamethrowers to 'incinerate' if the people who run the GTS group mail servers weren't a bunch of incompetent clueless microsoft muppets, yeah. % So. One of the Minions is talking to a company called LGI Distributors. LGI Distributors fears that their net may have been hacked. They cite, as evidence, the fact that one of their workstations is logged as having connected to non-pr0n sites. They are, apparently, in the adult erotica industry. According to the president of the company, their employees should ONLY be surfing pr0n sites while at work. * AB notes this is in considerable variance from his usual complaints involving pr0n surfing. % net bugger "Lotus Notes/US/IBM" /anal /anal /anal /probe="rusty Saturn V Launch Tower" % I have a weird problem. I had to get my glasses fixed and I needed a replacement in the meanwhile, so I bought contact lenses. which I found have dropped drastically in price since I last bought some. I put them in and they felt comfortable. now I want to take them out. problem is, I can't. it's like they've become a part of my eyes. peeling them off would be like peeling of the cornea. You just squicked me. I'll go shudder in the corner for a while. % Honestly, on a purely stylistic basis, I'd prefer: my @NOCS = split(/\s+/, "foo bar baz"); The trailing comma will just confuse people, regardless of whether perl thinks it's okay or not shmit: Why not @NOCS = qw(foo bar baz);? That works too qw() is prolly the best way But I forgot about that. =) * shodan nads :) thats cause Shodan is the "chi" master of the "perl" * shmit nads chia-perl . o O ( Spread seeds on shodan, pour water into the hole in his head, and watch perl appear! ) % I have a keg built into my bar, but it sure as hell wont be Guiness... :) If it's Bud it's a waste of a keg. nod or any other piss beer Bud Light ! like that Just drink water same damn thing that's just a keg of foamy water, right? * pepito nods nyarla Tell ya what I can drink Real Beer, then piss into your glass I bet you won't notice the difference Bud Light is for sissies shmit, you little pussy.....you cant even IMAGINE drinking beer with me and Syn, so shut the hell up. Yah, I'd end up pissing all day you would end up puking all day :) On that crap? I can't drink it fast enough. =) . o O ( There are forces at work here that your puny liver cannot even begin to comprehend! ) % * Nyarla wishes she were asleep...waiting for the fscking metro to start running again Got stuck at work? yep. missed the last train outta saigon by a minute. . o O ( s/outta saigon/to clarksville/ ) * Nyarla smacks pepito ow no monkees earworms, or I shall be forced to counterattack with Herman's Hermits . o O ( noooooooooo ) I don't think your musical references will work on anyone . o O ( They certainly won't work on me, at least. ) . o O ( I am immune! Phear my lack of culture! ) % *** moyet is now known as | <|> > Please be aware that recently, I wore no underwear while <|> > adorned in biking shorts of an extremely fashionable <|> > nature. <|> > <|> > I advise that precaution be taken when attempting to try <|> > the same. Please contact the PC Support team with any <|> > questions you may have. *** | is now known as moyet "..." I find myself amused with some of the abuse email today. % * fimbul regrets trying the new Buffalo Chicken sub from Subway. * fimbul was suckered by advertising again You'd think you'd know better, given your job. % "Now home because I don't make the sense, to go floomp, perhaps to dream, perchance to drool, and yes most certainly to take lots of cold medicine under warm blankets no mr. gnome get away from there you can't eat that it's bad for digestifs try sherry instead good with almonds." "Pork." --Fimbulveter, excerpt from 1/7/02 shift report % where is bork? dispatch: yer mom's house, as usual dispatch: This is what passes for "humor" in shrew's universe. AB: yes, i'm simple "simple" is certainly one way of describing it, yes. =) % outb0rk: you suck! bubbles: Fuck you! dammit. there's too many kids in this tub. % *** the_man is now known as the_boy My gh0d, he's getting younger. % * Nyarla blinks *** Nyarla is now known as | <|> >III aamm aann aauutthhoorriizzeedd <|> >rreepprreesseennttaattiivvee ooff tthhee <|> >IInntteerraaccttiivvee DDiiggiittaall SSooffttwwaarree <|> >AAssssoocciiaattiioonn (( IIDDSSAA )),, wwhhiicchh <|> >rreepprreesseennttss *** | is now known as Nyarla . o O (it's email from Gollum!) whoa Mmm. Half-duplex. Oh thank god you saw that too. I thought I was having an episode. % * shodan ponders raiding the wheel * phrog offers shodan a DeathCup oo. Neat, but a bit too spicy <-- weak * sitzkrieg misparses 'spicy' as 'sticky'. * sitzkrieg makes note to get his ocular firmware upgraded to a non- beta release. % speaking of a dog head, need a favor. whoa there... none of that in the open channel % I found a place that will let me order Akasaka online! * AB parsed that as "Alaska" * AB wondered where you were going to put it. % ... "Large Penis Support Group" lpsg.org If you need an entire group to support your penis, you should probably look into some kinda surgery. % I long for the days of dual-mode fibre jacks in my skull. And mods. And a vehicle I can drive mentally. . o O ( I admit, that's what I want most. I'm a born rigger. ) reason 1 to keep your head shaved as soon as they have the tech, I'm first in line I'm gonna alpha test it. That's something that I think I'm going to skip a .0 release on. % MARS. NEEDS. WOMEN. * shodan does too . o O ( therefore: shodan == mars ) % But, more important, I just had a very important memory: I need to pee! I forgot! brb [moments later] MUCH better. I don't mind being absentminded, but, you know, I really resent being caught in the middle of what is obviously a quarrel between my body and my mind. That was just a shitty thing for my brain to do; I've been uncomfortable for ages, and only vaguely aware of why. You'd think that, at some point, if only out of a sense of self-preservation, my brain would shout, "It's your fucking BLADDER, you ass!" % I'm kinda a natural type guy, if it's all the same. erm. b0rk? ? you have a barbell through your wiener. And? I find that the existence of said barbell is somewhat at odds with the "natural type guy" statement. % my twix is half missing! Blame security. . o O ( I did not take your Twix. ) yeah, but it was sealed and in the vending machine Oh. That's fucked up. * pepito blames twix QA They had to test it. apparently % Stop! No more discussing Hairy Bobbing Man Asses! Oh my. That would be a mischan. *ROFL* uhuh ummm meri. you have issues and I don't wanna know WHAT channel that was intended for. . o O(#ournewboss) . o O ( * meri has left #bears ) % * Scott_WS chokes on coffee while reading notes mail . o O (WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT USING THE CORP LAN TO SURF PR0N IS NOT ALLOWED!) haha the corp lan is too damn slow to surf pr0n % http://www.thedailynews.com/cdnindex.htm they raised the hunley Raised the hunley, eh? . o O (You kids and your slang.) % I'm so hungry I could eat the ass end out of a menstruating skunk right now That doesn't sound too tasty. depends on what you put on it. hot sauce and menstruating skunk ass? Perfection! % * meri -> home (drop dvorak off) -> mall.spg.va (gaming madness) *wave* . o O ( s/gaming/reefer/ ) . o o (s/reefer/MONSTER TRUCK/) . o O (at the SPECTRUM SPECTRUM SPECTRUM!) *nad* . o O (YOUR TICKET PAYS FOR THE WHOLE SEAT, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDDDDDDDDDGE!!!) Man! Stop making fun of my sport. Harumph. % I'm having all kinds of fucking problems hide: viagra % * pepito SMASH fds_bits ... fds? * meri . o O { Death to Feminine Deodorant Spray! } % anyone know how tom may plans on doing portland.me -and- spg.ma maints tonight at 2am ? like.. unless he's made of light.. he can't be in two places at once.. teleportation? he promised not to use his powers for personal uses though % I love bad liars. "We sent you a warning on June 19th." "Yeah but the war...I didn't see any warning...I was...uh...out of town that day." "Thank you, drive through. Good luck at your next ISP. Buh-bye." AB: The funniest bad liar I ever saw was some bloke being confronted by Roger Cook. The guy eventually got so flustered, he said "I'm not me, I'm my brother" % * arcas envies leeann's chair * arcas . o O ( envys? ) no, you were right the first time :) envies damn, siva can type a whole sentence before I can get the one word in that's because i traded the suave parts of my soul for the powers of eternal dorkiness % i once drank like a quart of lambrusco. i still have the tile floor imprints on my cheek. % * Nyarla could deal with being a dog, as long as it's a proper dog and not some stupid fluffy little anklebiter "Fur-bearing cockroach", as my mother once opined % http://onastick.net/sitz/images/shodan-nude.jpg * Nyarla flees * piraeus is scared tell me that's a joke. * piraeus blinks its not shodan but damn close no it is not. but yeah. * Nyarla phears and looks ... . o O (it can't be shodan, there's no coffee mug. or cigarette.) % anyone see shrew ? He's too thin to be seen with the unaided eye. % * piraeus does the 'nasty taste in my mouth' wiggle % excuse me while I wrap my penis in Eeyore % ALL ROADS LEAD TO MENUDO! % Eucalupt forests are so flammable they'll catch fire from a steamy novel. Too many humping koalas in one tree, and *whoomph*. % * sitzkrieg nerfs. the delorean list is moderated, which is fine and dandy, but it means I have to wait /hours/ for a reply. * sitzkrieg demands INSTANT GRATIFICATION! * naked "instantly gratifies" sitz * sitzkrieg feels less than gratified. well the more we do it the longer i'll last * sitzkrieg doubts your abilities. Well, I thought the point was instant gratification. oh right If it takes a long time, it isn't instant. % *sigh*, you never tell me when you're going out anymore I should think the reason for that is obvious. He doesn't know how to tell you, naked, but he's seeing someone else. We all know. !!! tha's what i get for long distance relationships :( hardly my fault, your brother is just so /cute/. *scratch* i have a brother ? see what you miss spending all your time going down on synergist? % Whoa. I just found a copy of Baldur's Gate. I need to clean my desk more often. % Man. The people that play online spades at 2:00am EST... Real winners. present company excluded, of course No, I count myself in that category... % hey kregars guess what . o O ( I am your father! ) . o O ( *breathe, breathe* ) % ohh boy am I gonna have fun tomorrow!! I get to see Seth get hit with swords!!! And knocked on his arse! The thrill. The joy. The spectacle. The Ren Faire lamers. Er. * AB quickly adds himself to meri's /ignore list. =) % Each year, more than 563 million gallons of Kool-Aid are consumed, with more than 17 gallons consumed every second during the summer time. yeah, but that doesn't count those of us who snort the kool-aid powder! kool-aid man turned 25 today and yet he still maintains his figure. amazing. * kurt thinks it'd be cool to be red, have a handle, and smash through walls. * sitzkrieg cleverly hides all the walls in mrf from kurt. * kurt finds himself in a series of small foyers, all alike. % Woo! * AB made coffee at 8:30am. * AB drank two cups. * AB left the house to Do Stuff(tm) at 12:30 * AB left the coffee pot on. * AB just got back. * AB notes that it is now 4:30pm. * AB pours another cup. thick caffeinated sludge? If I left it on the burner any longer, you could pour it over pancakes. * AB stirs the coffee * AB meets with a noticable resistance. . o O (Excellent.) % thats amusing. news 8 was doing a program on cox in fairfax sucking heavily. they showed photographs of starpower trucks . o O ( uh, no, different company that sucks ) haha we all suck in our own special ways % We have less money in the account than we should according to quicken. Need to figure out where the discrepancy is. who are you and what have you done w/ my husband? * rubia grins * AB skeems . o O (Now that I've earned the Earthwoman's trust, I shall...) % * AB <-- Chiropractor pay for me please ... Already did. oh nevermind =) "<--" means "gets back from" REMINDER: I don't speak Geek % right, dishes done, kitchen cleaned, floor swept & mopped, coffee made, what am I missing? b33r or at least add some whiskey to your coffee. and don't give me that 'too early in the morning' crap. never drink before noon, thankfully its well past noon in England, and I'm on their time system today :) % * kurt wonders when thinkgeek will begin offerring glucose-caffiene drip bags and IV stands. % so like, i've heard that dripping LSD into your eye gets you tripping faster... think that'll work with caffeine? * kurt drips coke in his eye and runs screaming to the bathroom. % . o O ( NOBODY expects the spanish inquisition! ) . o O ( But I'm expecting them; they called ahead and made an appointment. ) % At my last job, some people created a database that used warner bros characters for icons . o O ( Hm, so Taz is delete record, Bugs is query, Daffy is create... wtf? ) LOL They were even animated !! . o O ( * shodan clicks on Taz to delete something ) . o O ( * Taz spins around in a little tornado for a while hthen goes back to normal ) . o O ( Sheesh. ) % "Help- I keep getting e-mail to increase ejaculation. Is there any way to stop this? The e-mail, I mean." --Actual complaint received by abuse@rcn.com, 1/8/2002 % damnation i need 30 hour days jax you know if you had 30 hour days your work day would just get 6 hours longer and subsequently, you would be expected to produce 6 more hours worth of work daily nope if i had the ability to make 30 hour days i'd make sure that work was the same then again if i had that power ..... mmmmm in that case... :) * fimbul votes Jack for king * hamlet writes in jax on the voting ticket for god w00t! I rule! L'etat c'est Jack! Or something jax heil! i'd be vengful upon wrong doers of the world (congress, lawyers, N'Sync) % gah. nothing like water sports to make you wish you were looking at almost anything else. % ugh who is Al Green? his name seems familiar... isn't he the guy who invented the internet % * effect downloads a movie, and brings his laptop to the 'tub % * sitzkrieg suspects his (rather pitiful) load of laundry is done, and goes to put it in the dryer. rilly glad you added that next line sitz % M$ are _not_ the borg the borg have good networking Do they? They have no internal security, no active intrusion detection, and no flood protection. Sounds like NetBUEI to me. neither does IP IP isn't all you have in real life, though. They don't even seem to have Van Jacobsen style algorithms. And besides, I wouldn't run my own neural traffic over IP either. Not without a bunch of encryption layers and stuff. I mean, how many times has 7 of 9 beamed into a Borg Cube and tapped into their local net? ok, quit taking star trek too seriously :) You're the one who claimed they had good networking. % a friend of my wife is one of M$'s internal unix admins now there's a lonely job surrounded by the enemy % fucking netsol * jzp takes a big, steamy dump on them . o O ( jzp, did you ever star in a German scheisse video?) % http://www.apbnews.com/newscenter/breakingnews/2000/08/11/ lahookers0811_01.html Hookers descend on LA for DNC. Of course. Republicans are too cheap to pay for hookers. % [AB scores a convo kill as all conversation dies for several minutes after an earlier remark] * AB stamps the word "CONVERSATION" with a red circle/slash around it on his fuselage . o O ( AB has a fuselage? ) please dont go there % did anyone else get this spam from nsi: The registration services for domain name (INSERT DOMAIN NAME HERE) will end in about two months. Since you are the designated Billing Contact for the registrant of this domain name, we'll send you a notice in the next 30 days with instructions on how to renew. I mean, if it's real, I would appreciate to know WHICH DOMAIN. Heh haha * Murple NSI Oh. Hee. The from: line rocks. From: thedotcompeople@qatestsession1.qa.netsol.com "I would say your QA test failed." "Thanks for playing." % I cannot tell you how hard it was Sat. not to walk off w/the abuse printer Torque had to restrain me I'd *love* to beat that thing to death gravity-test it in the parking lot No, I want a full-on, dragged out, slo-mo boot party * fimbul has pent up ire directed at the printer % Who, exactly, is "The Real Slim Shady?" And why am I suddently seeing references to him/her all over the place? <-- Hopelessly not "with it" it's something i like to call "the dumbing down of society" * jzp hands Ab mtv * AB blinks Ew. * AB hands MTV back to jzp * AB washes his hands for an hour. % . o O ( will the real slim shady please shut up ) no. sorry shrew...all this time I had no idea you were the real slim shady * badmonkey goes out to buy shrew's new album. * UsagiJer burns shrew's new album % * shodan locks sitz * shodan conveniently forgets to unlock sitz . o O ( Hee he... *blink* A browser window just now died. . o O ( excellent. ) * shodan eyes sitz warily % pepito: what hours does phreeq werk? 1pm-10pm thu, 6pm-6am fri and sat, 4pm-1am sun . o O ( see also: weekend shit shift ) . o O ( Those are the weirdest hours I've ever seen ) * shmit hands shodan the hours for the janitors of the city of r'lyeh. % Korean TV is plum weird, BTW I think we need to put ritalin in their water supply % * Nyarla will bring fimbul a lollypop tomorrow (there, there now) Yay! And I want a pony! all out of ponies. how about a nice shoggoth? * fimbul will settle for a shoggoth. ? 'orrible, nasty, Lovecraftian beastie eldritch, unspeakable, etc. amorphous Cross between a shag carpet and a Bauhaus fan % * pdh grumbles what sort of fsckwit threatens the CEO of an ISP with legal action because a luser NetBus-scanned him? The kind of fuckwits I deal with every day. =) "WE HAVE BEEN PORTSCANNED BY YOUR ISP! THIS IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE! IF YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO US *IMMEDIATELY* WITH NOTICE THAT THE ACCOUNT RESPONSIBLE HAS BEEN *TERMINATED*, WE *WILL* CONTACT THE FBI!" % * sitzkrieg peers at his cfengine.conf. bootstrap.sql.bootstrap_sql:: don't do it, man! that way lies madness! % someone just sent the lyrics of justified and ancient to a mailing list i'm on hee! glack. someone countered "justified and ancient" with "what time is love?" post the lyrics to "doctorin' the tardis". . o O ( while (1) { print "Doctor Who\n"; }) * meri usually counters with "we are the world" music threads usually just... die... after that oh great i earwormed myself with 'we are the world' % * AB gets woken up by his allergies Just took two Nyquil Liqui-Caps(tm) thingies. The sniffling sneezing coughing aching how the hell did i end up on my kitchen floor medicine? *nad* green death flavor? Tasteless "swallow without chewing" flavor. . o O (IYKWIM) big N, small y, GIANT FUCKING Q we love you, we love you, you Giant Fucking Q ! % Note: Do not read Kafka to fall asleep. It ensures weird dreams. % hrm... any good banks around here i can rob? "Murple Financial Megacorp" % man sun fsck scares me EVERYTHING IS IN CAPS AND TRUNCATED OR SALVAGED WRONG IN SUPERBLK etc etc U R SKRWD BUY A NEW DRV NOW WRNG FREE BLK CNT IN SPRBLK DOOD LOL L@@K R@RE ERROR, ROFL *snerk* % Carpe Beerum - Seize the Beer, Beerum Carpe - Get the fish drunk % * outb0rk accidentally dumps the entire routing table for the entire internet into a file. "oops" % Hrm. * AB finds a 3MB SCRAP.SHS file in his Quick Launch directory. Fortunately, I deleted *.shs as a valid file type some time ago, so Windows dunno what to do with 'em. * AB deletes. * AB checks the usual spots for Trojans, just to be on the safe side. (pockets, wallet, bedside table, medicine chest) (sheathed over my willy) % sigh interview candidate looks good, until i ask him the final question "so, why'd you leave your last job?" "oh, i was involuntarily terminated for posting internal company/customer email on slashdot." % * fimbul grars at the damned Dominion Deli ph00d Ya know, there needs to be greaseless fast food I sit down to eat a sandwich, and get up from the meal oiled up like a favorite sex toy on a Saturday night in mating season Damn. Why didn't you call? * fimbul 's fingers slipped off the buttons % *koff* the next time my husband comes to work with his clothes on backwards... would somebody please tell him how to properly dress? Thank you =) [Ed. note: BAH!] % So, I was talking to American Express travel the other day. And I asked them to fax me my itinerary. And they said they couldn't do that. "... Oh? Why's that?" "We no longer have itineraries. We have travel schedules. We were receiving too many calls from people who didn't know what the word itinerary meant." "..." % *** rubia has quit IRC (you'll find me between the matress and the boxspring) . o O (She's a pee?) * piraeus pees on jack i think Pir has a watersport fetish oh sure... it starts with peeing on Jack and then where does it lead? HUH!??????? . o O ( * Prowler holds an intervention for pir We're concerned about- * piraeus pees on prowler Hey! ) % NO MISTER MOMMY MAN! NOT THE EVIL BUTT PLIERS! % hmm, Cowpland is stepping down from CORL. Yeah. To "support" Linux startups. Am I mistaken in my impression that the best "support" he could give would be to just piss off? I have a theory that he's being payed on the sly by m$ to hop Linux company to Linux company and drive them all to bankruptcy. I also have a dream where Monty Hall gives CORL away on Let's Make a Deal as the loser prize. % ahh, ðis æslandikk kíbord is bötter . o O (* Cthulhu appears behind Helios) . o O ( You rang?) % rock. my license is suspended. i already cant drive in new jersey or mississippi, now i cant drive here either heh heh you never did pay that jersey ticket did you? nope If you didn't pay your Jersey ticket and you missed two of your court dates there is no fine now - there's a bench warrent for you arrest ;) heh cool, im a fugitive? dude that makes me even more of a chick magnet . o 0 ( * Murple -> amihotornot.com ) dude dont fuck with me im a wanted man % [snip eBay URL of someone auctioning just the *box* (not the console unit itself) of the Microsoft XBox] xbox's are everywhere why would someone pay more um note they're selling *just* the box not the console dont they like, break alot? haha people am dumn ROFL hahahahaha maybe if i fart in a jar i can sell "natural gas" on ebay % awww Dave Thomas (Wendy's) died ! ! When did he die? right after his heart stopped I'd kick you if I could % * caz sniffs his finger. % I'm hungry Me too. * outb0rk gnaws on his own arm. % * Synergist is confused * piraeus wonders what synergist is confused about His sexuality? % Anyone know anything about the OSEK real-tim OS standard? ... * AB ponders a fake-tim OS standard % * sitzkrieg is too hungry to be doing this. * sitzkrieg takes some time off shopping and messes with cfengine. (to relax) heh . o O ( * sitz is too hungry to be doing this * sitz -> something else entirely, but still unrelated to eating anything ) % * sitzkrieg fires off an email the maintainers of http://thomas.loc.gov/. . o O ( "your CGI is as secure as a whore's pants. You should fix it. Love, me." ) shodan: check it. When you ask thomas.loc.gov for the full text of a bill, you get a URL like this: http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/C?c106:./temp/~c106kL1Psi ! . o O ( * shodan asks thomas.loc.gov for the full text of his phone bill ) % . o O ( "When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the three young ladies and, of course, the goat." ) % Heh. Klatsky was lost in DC. So who does he call for driving directions in DC? Me. I who hate driving in DC with an unbridled passion that knows no bounds. Abandon your car. Walk to the nearest Metro stop. Take the Metro to the airport. Fly to someplace outside of DC and call me from there. umm % well, that was uncomfortable. sudden stabbing pain in my boob. that can't be normal. * AB puts away the voodoo doll ! no well, you know, i've had that before too kinda sharp pain in the pec *nod* haven't keeled over yet. =) *grin* good to know. i will follow your lead. wonder if it's typing/mousing or something. . o O ( might be the something! ) * shodan hands meri some new boobs whoot! . o O ( I had some spares sitting in a drawer ) hey, can i have some boobs? well. i mean. i don't -want- em, like i want 'em ON me, but you know, as kind of a stress reliever type thing. never mind caz: Sorry, I've only got two left, and I need those <-- building a woman sigh FINE % ! my #commies just. cleared. Sorry, I sneezed % AB! La Rubia! nodnod what's the early reports from Syko's paahty lotsa booze c'mon no really! amazing, isn't it... RCN gathering and there's lotsa booze.. who woulda thunk. We got to see Nealis and KaptnJack in a thong. AB: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA There was only one single thong. They both wore it at the same time. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA % * scromp waves to the passion panda Don't DO that. % * Nyarla drops a pin and listens for the echo ! * shodan 's ears explode in a fountain of blood and other shodanbits . o O ( kinda loud ) kewl! once more, with feeling! Okay! * shodan puts his skull back together * shodan 's ears explode in a fountain of blood and other shodanbits, and makes a loud, wet *splorch* noise How 's that? * Nyarla holds up a card reading "7.5" % [snip discussion of Jake, Nyarla's pet dog] . o O ( my bark is a killing word) . o O (good thing he has trouble remembering how to bark) . o O ( * jake barks ) . o O ( arp! arp arp rarp! ) . o O ( * jake hunts for MAC addresses ) % * shodan yawns * Nyarla throws a shodansnack yay, shodansn-*gack* *choke* * shodan turns purple . o O ( Can't... breathe... Crap, how am I gonna smoke now? ) Tracheotomy! * Nyarla hands shodan Heimlich-in-a-Can . o O ( * shodan opens the can Hi! ... Think ya grabbed the wrong can, ny. ) whooops. % ... * meri ponders "Would you like to see Linux-specific content in future issues of _Inside Solaris_?" errr.. no. *nod* I just sat there and read the question a few times, just to make sure I read it right. . o O (* meri looks for the checkbox labelled "If I wanted to see Linux-specific content, I'd be reading _Inside Linux_, not _Inside Solaris_.") % "HP's workstation market share growth during the third quarter also reflects the advantage of being the only Itanium-based supplier shipping a commercial UNIX." *BLUFF* God, those bastards need to bloody die. Now. Carly Fiorina deserves a full body enema with HPUX source listings on mylar tape. % * piraeus sighs I've typed 7 replies to this email and deleted them all I simply am incapable of being a complete dick to this person err not being a complete dick . o O ( I'm incapable of being a dick to this person... My god, I'm losing my powers! ) % so all paths lead to furry pr0n sounds a lot like life. % bob, effect? . o 0 ( * effect kicks AB's ass. ) :) * effect cheers HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA * AB points at effect and laughs. . o O ( I'm gonna kick your ass, AB!) . o O ( Bring lunch.) % Gah Hi! Allergies: 37 AB: 2 * shodan cheers allergies! . o O ( Easier to just r00t for the winning team ) * pepito cheers AB! . o O ( better odds for betting on the underdog ) % So, in Asheron's Call, there's this town called Aquin Byor (or something along those lines) And it takes me a good few minutes to realise what people are talking about, when they say "So, I was in AB the other day and..." ! Maybe that would explain my allergies. Indeed, you've got a bunch of d00dz running around in your lings lings Er. Those breathin' thingies. % welp, ups didn't sit on my package this time Can I sit on your package? % so AB we opening a bar? Jack: Not sure I'm ready to go back to working bar hours. AB can take the morning shift. Nah. Morning shift sucks in a bar. * AB hates opening up a bar. Spend all your time cutting phr00t and prepping the bar for the night shift. that and the smell of stale smoke and booze sucked Hey, sounds just like my apartment! heh . o O (* AB and Jack open up a bar called "Shodan's Apartment.") * shodan hangs a large obnoxious budweiser sign on his wall for effect . o O ( ! ) % what does $theMsg =~ s/(\\){1,}([^\s\\]+)/$1/g; do? * u-ben goes crosseyed * shodan squints * dvorak looks around for the trained regex deciphering monkeys % its kind of funny to think people used to be afraid of russia was different 10-20 years ago .. they dumped 80% of thier economy into military heh i wonder if their nukes work as well as their space stations or submarines Heh. The US wishes it had a Space Station that served as long and as well as MIR. Remember Skylab? . o O ( When I was a kid, I had a Skylab model, but it broke ) .oO { and landed in Australia } d00d, Mir was SO ghetto. . o O (email us!) . o O ("beautiful russian cosmonauts want to meet you!") . o O ( "at RILLY high speeds!" ) % whats the Itanium ? PIIII ? * scromp mentions quietly to pir that roman numerals for 4 is 'IV' * Nicolai mentions to scromp that IIII is also acceptable; IV came later in Roman history so older monuments have IIII on them. * scromp thinks they were just carved by illiterate roman trash % wtf is an 'Eagle Warmer'? % * sitzkrieg recalls a moment a few years ago when we needed to get a user offline, but couldn't recall the command to do so. so we bounced the PRI he was on. }:) "eh, the other 20 will be able to get back on. no worries." % mmmmm, eggbay. why does the idea of an egg auction site make me so giddy? * shodan doesn't wanna know % * shodan finally fixes one of his halogen lamps * shodan turns it on and sees just how grubby his apartment is . o O ( * shodan ponders cleaning ) . o O ( * shodan turns the light back off instead ) % * AB points darrend at www.eggbay.com * darrend points AB to a history of bad personal experiences when viewing AB-endorsed links at work "Chapter 1: The Day I Learned about Cosplay" "Chapter 2: Furries...Cosplay from Hell" % *** Nyarla is now known as | <|> These are the Finest Rhode Island Reds that you will find. They <|> are second to none. They are strikingly colored, and shaped like <|> a brick. *** | is now known as Nyarla . o O (I wasn't aware that brick-shaped chickens were desirable...) % quoting Rabelais: "This was Danish, and I believe we would speak that way, too, if the devil had intended that we speak through our arse" % At NTL my Disaster Recovery plan was keeping a copy of my CV at home... ... right next to the backups of the CEO's emails to his mistress/lover/drug dealer/whatever % * AB pokes a random Minion * AB activates the Minion Signal . o O (A huge can of spam appears on the clouds of the night sky...) % Order food from pizza/subs place. Food arrives. Buzz delivery guy into building, take food, pay. Delivery Guy: "Thanks. Bye." Me: "Be seeing you *Prisoner-wave*" [hours pass] and yr point is? Oh, nothing in particular. % * mikewd is currently waiting for NSI to update his NIC handle so it doesn't continue to point at my former employer... fortunately I still have access to the old e-mail account I now just have to convince NSI's autobot that the authentication on the request is actually correct :/ I object! NSI uses Decepticons. % * scottm used to do a killer starcream imatiation. Myself and a friend used to do the coronation scene from the movie. #bofh lets it all hang out Complete with tranformation sound effects. Dammit, scromp, the 80's were the BOMB. Don't knock it! mouth-made transformation sound effects weren't really the bomb. :p % * scottm thinks there's a little BoC in all of us, but that's irrelevant other than it came to mind and I decided to share it be happy I don't share the other things there. (Except scromp who knows I'm thinking about sending him $10.) I think you've had enough, scott. Give me your keys. % . o O ( Finally... I can play some EverCrack ) gjp doesn't play EQ well... whatever gjp does for fun watch paint dry . o O ( For fun? I do mail administration. ) . o O ( . o O ( doesn't everybody? ) ) % what are the vw? virtual web * sitzkrieg pats syko onna head. Very good! * sitzkrieg ducks premptively. * Sykotic hits sitz with a two-ton heavy thing (Queensryche) * sitzkrieg feels somewhat...flatter. hrm. can that happen? the proper line there would have been "I'm flattered" can't believe i missed that the first time around. % * shodan finds it amusing that the hottest-running pcmcia card he's ever owned was a scsi card, called "Bus Toaster", with flames painted on it % . o O ( * shodan goes out into the Blue Room and notices it's a bit too bright ) . o O ( * shodan finds a dimmer switch on a nearby rock and turns the sun down a bit ) . o O ( ! ) % "LART 'em all, let Root sort 'em out." --Unknown % It would be difficult to fully express, using the constructs of the English language, the complete and utter lack of interest I have in "Survivor" other than as yet another signpost on the Road to Hell. * scottm agrees with AB. 58 million people watched that show. Neither myself nor anyone I know seems to know anyone who actually watched it. It reminds me of an episode of duckman or something where he ends up in a trailer park full of low iq people and they all have nielsen boxes. % jzp if you are bored you could help me squeze my slots 'bored'? and sorry ducky, but your 'slots' arent my type. * jzp hands ducky an rtrmon script automate, my good man! % * kurt starts working on a "Death to the sales dweebs" mod for half-life. ! * jzp signs up to the kurt-announce list of course, i've never authored a mod before... and i don't even play half-life... * jzp neither. izzit one of those-windoze-only things? but hell, for a kill-the-sales-dweebs patch, i'll stomach it well, you can run a server for in in linux, so i'd imagine the game itself has a linux version as well. but, i dunno for sure. * jzp goes to finally installlinux_compat on bsd box * kurt writes a short RPG "Sales Dweeb: The Bludgeoning" and hands jzp lotsa dice. You know, a cube farm during a power outage is pretty similar to a dungeon... . o O ( My level 5 tech-wizard casts "GPF" on the goblin^Wsales dweeb's NT machine. ) hahaha after a rant one night, a friend put this description into a mud room for me *** jzp is now known as | <|> You are standing knee deep in broken sales weenies. They've been <|> snapped in half. Their guts have been sucked out. It's not a <|> pretty sight. OK, maybe it is a pretty sight. All a matter of <|> perspective really. *** | is now known as jzp % * Nyarla sighs meri is getting me a hello kitty kimono with matching obi and geta I'm going to hell. % hm * shodan suddenly realises he's never seen Akira on a normal TV Always on an abnormal TV, eh? % Which of you bitches wants to come in my hottub :) not i I nominate flatlndr i second motion passed ummm what just happened here? % *laf* sigfile OTD: You left them alone in a room with a /penguin/?! Mr Gates, your men are already dead. % so, the latest Versace fashions on CNN appear to be... outfits from the 70s. Complete with hideous big hair and those huge brown 70s sunglasses. and there's no thrill in seeing the nipples of a "girl" who's flatter than a table. i swear, the people who decide these women are gorgeous must have the hots for prepubescent boys or something. . o O ( whoa! this chick's as flat as that 8-year old boy, i'm gonna put her on stage and when i drool maybe people will think i'm normal! ) % actually, i read a short comic by John Kovalic about gamers... This one guy was looking at his collection and said "I have more games than anyone could ever play in a LIFETIME!" and his wife was listening... next panel was him selling them at a garage sale. . o O ( things not to say in front of your non-gamer significant other. definately * kurt eyes his thought bubble warily. ) . o O ( how did *that* happen? i have it aliased! ) * badmonkey fights his way out of kurt's thought bubble % * kurt starts to wonder if there are any 12 step programs for gamers. of course, with gamers, it'd be like "Dude! i'm on step 9, you're just a step 5 lamer." heh lol . o O (d00d u sux0r lol!) keeping track of your experience points before going to the next step etc. . o O ("d00d i'm on step 9. what n00 spellz do i get?) % arcas: you can't put a price on luv sure you can. In michael jordan's case, it's going to be about $400 million (or $200 million) ? % *BLINK* * shodan somehow manages to lose a carton of cigs * KaptnJack moves shodan's carton again ! Oh, doh. On top of my monitor. :) . o O (damn, wasn't fast enough. SCOTTLY! recalibrate that transporter dammit) . o 0 ( Aye, Kaptn! ) shodan's cigarettes are quantum tunneling around his apartment % * Nyarla ponders another wild and crazy evening with a 40 of cider and Harry Potter books Nyarla lives life on the edge. * Nyarla nods gravely . o O (smell that? it's sarcasm!) % hey cause can you mail me a copy of shodan.txt? :) hamlet, sure, what email? hamlet, it's not very big yet tho *** AB changes topic to ' hamlet, it's not very big yet tho' jjfdslkuaf Too late dammit * AB wouldn't have believed you anyways. % and we're decommissioning about 14,000 accounts ahhh who's turning them off? naked cool naked roxers * meri grins. syn naked could turn off anything. :) so many ways to parse all painful % should i be worried if murple is reading my mind? probably is that a wavelength i want to be on? are you seeing new and interesting colors? % [snip discussion of a prospective employee's website] dude he can program too theres code on his site while(in(iceland)) { bang("local hot chicks"); } . o O ( $self->bang({-gender=>'female', -type=>'hot'}) would be a cleaner approach ) % [snip discussion of AB's being allergic to (among other things) cats] AB: gotte some anti-dander stuff I can loan you to try on the cats, if you're interested . o O ( * Nyarla sprays quick-setting epoxy on AB's cats ) % * chiba is enjoying all this grabbing % * sitzkrieg gets a rather forceful reminder as to why strace'ing 'bash' is....unwise. . o O (* sitzkrieg straces 'bash') . o O (* guido and nunzio show up at sitzkrieg's house) . o O ( You shouldn'ta done that, pal. Da boss is very perturbed.) . o O ( Yeah. Perturbed.) % * pepito realizes that after 15 minutes, '(Don't Fear) The Reaper' is still playing.. . o O ( damn, this is a long version.. ) * pepito realizes that repeat is currently turned on doh % bob: seen piraeus piraeus was last seen on IRC 2 hours, 59 minutes and 8 seconds ago, saying: & [Mon Aug 28 17:07:33 2000] bob: seen prowler prowler was last seen on IRC 2 hours, 16 minutes and 20 seconds ago, saying: gets confused [Mon Aug 28 17:50:27 2000] bob: seen hamlet? hamlet was last seen on IRC 10 seconds ago, saying: bob: seen prowler [Mon Aug 28 20:06:47 2000] * AB recurses bob % Once... ...according to rumor... ...there was a betting parlor in Paris in the late 1800s. Inside this parlor, supposedly, nude women rode bicycles around an indoor track. Gamblers would place bets on which one would achieve orgasm first by the stimulus of the clitoris rubbing on the bicycle seat. At least, that's the story. If true, it sounds like a race that would be rather easy to "fix" I don't think that will work with the hello kitty scooter, AB ... ... They didn't have Hello Kitty scooters in France in the late 1800s. well, we don't have bicycles in the office either Nor is this France in the late 1800s. =) . o O ("Do TRY and pay attention, 007...") % . o O ( Meet Admiral Ozzel, who has just failed Lord Vader for the second to last time. ) % * effect has a nice, nutritional "Beer and Chili" dinner. Sounds explosive. * effect nods Life's gonna get interesting come 30 minutes from now. * calavera rejoices in being far, far, away % mrf, is this one of those mail resetting times? where we get mail alarms for like 2 minutes as mail stops to lick itself * AB snerks at the mental image of the mail servers chugging happily along, then stopping for a moment to lick their balls. . o O ( If the popservers start humping yer leg... you're probably better off just letting 'em finish. ) % wireless networking is already paying off. My wife is convinced that I'm working so I don't have to help her paint. :) % bob: Quote Syn's dick with a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers Sorry, I cant find Syn's dick with a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers haha . o O (Fun with bots) % <#include old_bong_stories.h> % hostile people aren't team players. right caz? fuck you, j. % [snip lengthy bitch session about the peculiarities of $PROVISIONING_SYSTEM] * sitzkrieg doesn't /wanna/ fight the cboss fight. but this is fucking stupid. sitz: This is not the first (or second nor third nor hundredth) time this has come back to byte us on the arse. * AB nods sitz and b0rk sitz: It's rilly fucking stupid. However, you *can* get accounts that have been "Disconnected" set back up if you talk to the folks in CustRel. We've had to do it a couple times here in Abuse Central. AB: Yes, however their webspace is still n00ked. (And possibly their email; can't recall offhand) shodan: Dunno about that, personally. But if sitz has backups for the web space, it's academic. AB: Yes, but not automatic. :) Right. AB: the problem here is that I don't know until I get a call from a user who's reactivated a deleted account and wants to know where his webspace is. sitz: Welcome to the Tardcloud. % [snip discussion of various legal shenannigans involving the DMCA, the RIAA, Carnivore, and so on] It was from the LucasFilm legal department. They mentioned the Digital Millenium Act several times. They noodled on at length about the EEEE-vils of copyright violations. Then they asked if we would proactively scan the webspace for our entire userbase and delete anything we found that might be the "Phantom Menace" trailer. We said "No. Thank you, drive through." *snrk* 'might be'.. niiice.. It was clearly a bluff. My Inner-Weasel admired their audacity. but your outer shell of an abuse guy kicked their large cohones from here to Cali Nope. I just called our landsharks, told 'em why the request was bogus, and laughed my ass off when Doug responded to them. I forget now what Doug actually said to them, but I recall thinking "Man. Doug's one of us, deep down." It was a brilliant piece of landsharkery. *nod* Doug is most kewl. I think my favorite Doug letter was the one that started off along the lines of "Dear Mr. : Had you read my previous letter, you would have noted that I specifically..." . o O (followed by several paragraphs of excruciatingly polite and formal legalese translating to "go pound sand") % when i was about 14, dad and i had a few hours to kill before we had to go do something and so we were flipping through the tv guide, trying to find something to watch oh hey. the neverending story is on. oh, that's much too long. find something else. ok. .... hey. % dear meri: your damn song as been stuck in my head since early this morning. hate, hate, hate, hate. Love, sitz % * dispatch wants to dispatch 3rd shift to Guam glad I work days . o O ( Guam? *perk* I was there for 3 yrs! ) heh. rilly? * sitzkrieg plays 'install the temp licenses" with veritas. run into any of those obnoxious tree snakes? . o O ( veritas has obnoxious tree snakes? ) . o O (yeah, but only in guam) . o O ( I got yer tree snake riiiiiiiiight here.. ) shodan: oh, yes. They're called "salesmen". % * coyote points at paws:( oops * coyote sighs Ill get used to this wretched proggie yet * shodan says "coyo: That was quick, for a first mischan" in the wrong channel :) * coyote kicks shodan, oh, piffle ow, nrg! I can fuck it up alot faster than that, given a chance it's true. She can. That's the spirit! % * shodan thinks ciscos need self-destruct commands . o O ( But I think /everything/ needs a self-destruct command. ) % uh. oop. 'tooling for anus' blasting while recruiter walked someone thru . o O (and in the new space, i will be RIGHT NEXT to reception. did they really think this through?) * jzp mwahahahahahaa % hrm * bubbles wonders if finding burned training materials at your desk is a Mafia warning of some sort % wtf is a "topic troll"? A small woodland creature that goads innocent villagers into incriminating themselves on IRC. % *** sitzkrieg is now known as | <|> I have done such a good job of bashing all my competition that <|> we now have decided to start a bullet proof hosting service one <|> that cant be shut down by nobody as my backbone does not care what <|> we do. *** | is now known as sitzkrieg * jzp readies orbital ion cannon heh. $550/mo + setup fee, no refunds. * sitzkrieg smells a bridge for sale. % To: webmaster@rcn.com Subject: resume====>Ahmed I attached my resume .. I went to head office for applicaion for employment and they said I can send my resume through the e-mail to webmaster@rcn.com * sitzkrieg beats his head on a wall. * Nyarla hands sitz some bullets * sitzkrieg stares at the bullets. g'wan do it ok! * sitzkrieg shoots caz. ! wow! I feel /so/ much better! % I've got fresh lychees !!! * Nyarla squeals, etc. wtf is a lychee? lychee = fruit of the gh0dz It's Nature's Nastiness(tm). We seem to have conflicting opinions % * chiba for the record: i do *NOT* hitch-hike nude % bunghole jewelry is cool % * piraeus pees on jzp's toes * jzp jumps from peestream with ninja-like grace jzp: It prevents athlete's foot tho. so does cleaning your damn shower * hamlet politely requests that piraeus and jzp take their flirting elsewhere % Oh, a friend of mine is selling a (used) vibrating plastic vagina, if anyone's interested. . o O ( I hope no one is. ) uhmmm, the word "used" is not a selling point. % I like to surf, but I'm not so good (or stupid) to believe that I can handler the bigger swells * meri . o O { ! } . o O ( ? ) meri wins. * meri doesn't wanna know about handler's bigger swells *ROFL* * piraeus ughs * Nyarla snorks non-visualization.. non-visualization % *** caz is now known as cazX i'm aggressive! I'm all about inline vert ramps! BIG PANTS graphic novels with dark, bitter heroes! *** cazX is now known as caz or. something. % ever get the feeling dalnet is just one great big gaping therapy group? . o 0 ( "nobody loves me" "that's cause you're an asshole") . o O (reinforces her "zero tolerance for idiots" policy) % we like you. take solace in that. * shodan squints. "take solaris? Wha? ... Oh." * shodan removes his eyes and rubs them on his sleeve for a bit % uhg Subject: DEAR SCOTT - "DEBBIE DOES DALLAS" VIDEO SALE FOR JUST $9.95 AND FREE 3 DAY / 2 NIGHT VACATION What if you don't have a free vacation to give them, do you still get the video? % does rcn mirror cpan? Yeah, on mirrors.rcn.com... somewhere. (Last I checked, anyway) hm... or maybe not, or I can't find it :) I couldn't find it there the other day But I'm also a moron I remember it being in a slightly non-intuative place . o O ( /pub/mirrors/tucows/win98/instant_messengers/CPAN ) . o O ( /pub/not-perl/not-cpan/go-away/SHUT-UP ) % pir just called said that Paul Allens's apt in NY make my house and chucks house look like shacks.. well, duh if you were a billionaire, your summer rental would be pretty nice, too =) naw, I'd invest it all in hookers and drugs % If i were trapped on a desert island, and would be periodically airlifted in cases of only one brand of beer, which would it be? pabst blue ribbon * AB kills chiba to death % i need to borrow a toddler car seat for about a week ! ! no really not for me Exploring the kinky side of your relationship, eh? ! no no no . o O ( i need to borrow a toddler car seat for about a week) . o O ( Only it needs to be like RILLY big) . o O (* meri blinks at chiba) . o O ( How big?) *snicker* you buncha freaks! . o O ( Um. My size, maybe?) . o O ( Oh, and a place to find adult-sized diapers) no, for a nearly-1-yr-old human baby. REALLY. . o O ( Like me. ) no goddammit!!! you people :) % Fine Wine sell beer? chiba: Like you wouldn't believe. ah coolness. let's go Can't. I'm nekkid. % today.. has been exceptionally interesting Back from NYC? aye and let me just say, it must be really fuckin nice to be that wealthy how wealthy? an original monet hanging on the wall above your full bore recording studio multiple les pauls and gibsons just sitting in a rack a baby grand every room in that place either looks out onto Central Park, the Zoo, or the resevoir pir: Where were you? paul allen's NYC apartment ... Whyfor? installing a router and ds3 oh.. and he has a cute russian maid with green eyes What was his name? her name *snork* :P * AB trolls pir That was way too easy They removed your brain while you were there, didn't they? Replaced it with a Microsoft product. * AB eyes pir warily % Adam Garcia, was picked on for being a dancer as a boy in Australia - but he thinks he's more macho than all his friends put together. The 27-year-old Coyote Ugly (2000) star admits he was the butt of many cruel jokes while growing up. But he managed to have the last laugh, "Everyone thought it was kind of cool. Chicks liked it. I got a little bit of hassle. At one point I went to an all boys school and they'd say, 'You're a dancer right?' I'd be like, 'right'. They'd make these accusations of homosexuality. And I'd say, 'You're the ones getting sweaty, hugging each other playing rugby, and showering together'. And I dance with a roomful of 60 girls in leotards. Let's work out the math, shall we." --News item from the Internet Movie Database, 08/30/00 % * AB blinks as he does some math and realizes that Clint Eastwood is 6-years older than Woody Allen. * meri nods at AB. s/Woody Allen/dirt/ Clint Eastwood: 70; Woody Allen: 64 . o O (Red Sox: 0) % Mexican actress Salma Hayek needs a man who is strong enough to handle her personality. The beauty currently dating Edward Norton, needs a man who can deal with her sexual demands and her dominating personality. She says, "I come from a strict Catholic upbringing and sex was a taboo subject. That makes you crave sex 10 times more for the rest of your life... * AB faints * coyote laughs smelling salts? No no. Leave me to my dreams. * coyote just fans AB gently then % * scromp can see that AB is overdue for his tuning session * AB quickly replaces himself with Eliza and lets scromp ramble on for hours. * scromp bought a house :) /cheer scromp . o O { scromp: Why do you say that you have bought a house? } % * AB shakes his phist at a cold, uncaring universe. (I'm quite familiar with that cold, uncaring universe) Been outside smoking in the winter, have you? Yep! But I can always come back inside to a warm apartment (Or, smoke inside. Wonder why it took me so long to figure that out, anyway) :) . o O (* shodan shakes his phist at a warm, caring apartment) % hmm, remind me not to cross you Good plan, but doesn't really matter. Something shiny will distract me while I'm busy making my dramatic speech. . o O ( Tenu, you will PAY. Oh yes. Mark my words, you shall feel the true wrath of... ooh hey! Beer! ) . o O ( * shodan wanders off ) % Yahoo! is on it's way to becoming the next Borg . o O ( my.yahoo.com turns into our.yahoo.com ) % . o O ( Coming soon: TARDIS(tm) delivery equipment, which will enable us to make a delivery /before/ you order! ) * shodan thinks all the world's problems can be solved with outlandish, nonexistent technology % Damn. Sometimes I really do ph33l like an honest-to-god moron. That'll learn ya. Shut up No one asked you You think that will stop my mocking? NEVAR!! . o O ( I said SHUT UP! eep! 'kay! ) % you see the $5k diablo auction? sitzkrieg: da what? kurt: some guy paid $5k+ for a d2 weapon. a hammer of some sort. d00d's got the pentagon beat. it's a completed auction? what's a good coupla keywords? "fucking idiot" % damn you sitz, you tempted me with ebay! * sitzkrieg hands kurt http://goatse.cx/ that'll take your mind off it. (DANGER, TRAP! ETC! ) % Man, I'm reminded of playing 2-player starcontrol. * shodan 's fire keys were control and alt (on the left), my stepbro's were insert and delete on the numpad. Took forever to figure out why we kept rebooting :) % * shodan discovers he can order swords over the internet . o O ( * shodan clicks "Add Excaliber to my cart" ) . o O ( * shodan gets a screen that says "The sword slices through the bottom of your shopping cart and impales your foot." ) % * shodan reads the toaster oven instructions on some hot pockets "Remove product from wrapper. Throw away sleeve." . o O ( Huh, odd. * shodan tears the sleeve off his shirt and throws it away ) % oh dear god what a stupid new tv series it's like "who wants to be a millionaire?" but, the chair you sit in monitors your heart rate and if it goes over a certain number of bpm, you lose hosted by john mcenroe * AB ponders the inherent redundancy of "stupid TV series." % aaaaaaaaagh the people in the yahoo game room i'm in are talking about reba mcentire's tv show "reba" haz any1 watched that reba show? ya u know the theme song? ya who sings it? ... % * nkoenig looks over a script he wrote a year ago and slaps himself what was wrong with your script? well.. it was like 70k, when it could be like... well, a lot smaller heh that and appearently I didnt understand the concept of using 'my' heh or just didnt care hee lol... I keep copies of most things that took me a while to make, but at that time I named things 'moo' and other nondescriptive things... nothing like seeing $Iliketomoobecauseitscool = $whoathisbetterwork[$CowsRock]; I finally got over that though ;) % shodanpoke [time passes] shodanpoke v2.0 [more time passes] * dave -> shodanfone ! * dave puts the fone down . o O ( * shodan quickly disappears again ) . o O ( GRF! ) % hi. lissen some one abused me so much on channel #darkvalley . there was no reason i guess so . he was abusing on the main because he is the admin of that channel . i have all the logs . they are in urdu , but i can translate it for you if u say so. plz do something because it hurts me a lot . :'( --Actual complaint received by abuse@rcn.com, 01/14/02 % i actually used to be quite a football fan being a football fan in hawaii was kind of a pain, though. because you watched all the games tape-delayed so you had to avoid learning the scores or, you found someone that had just recently moved to hawaii and didn't know how it worked yet, and made bets with them. =) % I used to write absense notes for my dad to his commanding officer. "Please excuse John Alderdice from work yesterday. He didn't wanna." "Signed, Mary Alderdice, Chief Daughter." % i always wanted my own mafia % ok. this sneezing business MUST STOP MUST * meri hands jack a clothespin thanks . o O (the back of jack's head 'splodes) . o O ( !) % just got the tweetybird fuckin chain letter says if i send it to 10 people within the hour my wish will come true...if i don't it will become the opposite * badmonkey sends it back with message = "I wished you had no internet access and forwarded chain letter to 10 abuse administrators" % * shodan notes watching the non-letterboxed version of Empire Strikes Back (or any of the SW movies) kinda sucks at the beginning, when the text scrolls a dark time f ellion. Although the Dea as been destroy erial troops have dri (etc) % * shodan hands calavera some coffee thanks Fixes everything! . o O ( Assuming you're shodan, that is ) Although this coffee seems somewhat weak . o O ( This coffee is WEAK. It has no HONOR! ) % What the hell is green nyquil supposed to taste like, anyway? Seems to be a unique green-nyquil phlavor all to itself if you can actually taste nyquill, you don't need it % the cat seems to be grooming my backpack Neat! I wonder if this means he's going to be pooping green nylon turds. That'd be odd, if you weren't expecting it it's odd even if you do expect it % see, those commercials always say things like "You could buy this in a store for 2 or 3 times as much!" but... you can't find their crap in stores, so really, what's the discount? % I still remember the day I had 18 messages, 17 of which were from the same d00d "Whay haven't you called me back?" "Um, 'Cause I'm out of the office on Fridays? Like the message says." % SCORE! I found a six-pack while sorting the dirty laundry % You know, I dunno wtf is calling Nerig's phone constantly, but I'm about to hack my way into his voicemail sos I can call 'em back and make 'em shut the fuck up. Everytime that thing rings, I jump, and my seat can't take no more urine stains you could always get up an answer it I might yet. It's just that things are otherwise so quiet.... [time passes] Damn it. I'm gonna go find that phone now. Whoever it is has clued into transfering to others' voicemails, but he or she hasn't yet learned to listen to who's in at what time. Everytime I dive for one phone, another starts ringing. I'm trapped in a bad Kids in the Hall bit. % Great. The luser trying to break into the U. of Copehagen speaks no English, and has never heard of viruses, let alone antiviruses.... It's like trying to walk Roberto Begnini through playing in his registry % * fimbul drags out his The End is Near signs and prepares a lecture on the futility of life before deciding such a lecture's futile and going off to get more loverly water. * shodan already knows that life is futile, but The End is nowhere in sight :) * fimbul hands Shodan Waiting for Godot and a beret * shodan !s as Godot shows up promptly * shodan hands the beret to Godot. "Uh, think I'm s'posed to give this to you or something" I don't think that's allowed to happen. . o O ( No dammit! That's not what I wrote!) * meri . o O { Being Interrupted While Getting Dressed by an Early Godot just doesn't have the same ring to it. } (And what's Godot doing dressing you, anyway?) . o O ( Waiting For Godo... oop, nevermind, there he is. ) * meri . o O { Waiting for Godot's Car to Start } Tagging Along Behind the Perky and Only Sometimes Tardy But Always Very Apologetic About It Godot % someone subscribed me to Better Homes and Gardens. They obviously never have seen my apartment. ...decorated in "early squat" % Hm, mental note; don't shave after being all jittery on caffeine * shodan bleeds all over everything % hmm, i think i'm going to have to buy the Unbreakable DVD howcome? i can't get it out of my head (it was surgically implanted) % . o O ( * shodan puts a big sign on his wall: "First pants, THEN shoes!" ) Is *that* how that works? I was /amazed/ how much hassle I saved when I found out I was doin' that backwards % * effect ponders a Planet of the Apes marathon Nobody can handle that much Roddy McDowall in one sitting. % yeah... thta's it ;) er, that';s !!! THAT'S geesh * springle downloading new fingers from home % * shodan is unbelievably tired . o O ( * shodan adjusts his tiredness to a more believable level ) % . o O ( My penis is 48" long and edged ) % in the UK, power consumption rises sharply during intervals in major programmes since then people turn on kettles to make tea thats why you have pumped storage places in wales here we have nuclear power and re-processing accidents because THEY BUILT A FUCKING TOWN AROUND A PLACE THAT HANDLES RADIOACTIVES that's why you have problems with huge mutant lizards trashing your cities % I've started rolling my eyes back in my head and just sitting there like that when someone asks me a stupid question it's remarkably effective % * Bunny orders the Studded kevlar jockstrap with accessories % Damn AB and his PHASES! % o/~ I am the very model of a modern android replicant o/~ * AB eyes 666 warily Does this mean that Harrison Ford has to go chase 666 down now and retire him? % . o O ( CTRL-B turns on bold. CTRL-B again makes it RILLY bold. ) :) . o O ( But be careful, a third CTRL-B will burn your shadow into the wall ) % What do you expect from law school people? large piles of shit? % hahahahaha. Linus Torvalds works at Transmeta. i'm friends with the guy that runs transmeta's mail servers he said earlier: "i'm passing all linus' outgoing posts and email through the swedish-chef filter" * meri finds this incredibly amusing "The linux community became.... very confused... when its leader started saying 'bork bork bork' all the time." % Damn. Woman Hater(tm) just called. No female Abuse Minions around to take the call. Ah well. EAM#5 can tell him to fuck off just as easily as any of the women. % alien beings infected us, its about time we infected them! ! * shodan eyes murple warily . o O ( if ($murple) { eye('warily'); } ) % * Murple goes back in time, finds whoever thought "hey lets make a feature where the pc speaker clicks everytime you hit a key" was a good idea, rams a large keyboard up his ass and yanks it out his mouth before beating him repeatedly over the head with it % * fimbul mutters and tries to clean the blood and grease out of his cube % * caz takes a data dump. % Holy crap. I call to report that my phone line is down, and they say that they can't access my account because my caller ID doesn't match my account number. "Ok. Let me call you from my non-functional phone. Hold on just a second, ok?" . o O ( Let's go into the land of Make-Believe! How about you just PRETEND I'm calling you from a broken phone? yay! 8^D *sigh* ) % we lived like a half mile from a metal scrap dump. i learned that people throw away lawn mowers because they DON'T WORK it took me dragging home a number of them to come to that conclusion, though. % * fimbul growls at citrix: if my password needs changing in 14 days, tell me /then/ you slick, wet, slugfat WAD OF FUCK! % I want totally immersive network browsing, ala Cyberpunk 2020. And I want it RIGHT NOW! ! * shodan hands outb0rk totally immersive network browsing . o O ( But it's an early beta from Microsoft ) * outb0rk goes mad % If shodan's cock is using IRC, I'm becoming a monk and hiding If my cock is using irc, I'd damn well hope I knew about it :) % * hamlet joins the 'Regular Expression of the Month' Club * AB hands hamlet the Painful Regex(tm) /^(\+|-)+s*([\w-.]+)?(:.{13})?s*(\d|=>)?s*([\w-.]+)?0 ! * AB eyes the Painful Regex(tm) * AB SeEkRiTlY replaces the "13" with "!pee" My god, NO! ! You'll destroy us all! * shodan runs away * meri . o O { You have 10 seconds to reach minimum safe ASCII. } % Heh. Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper. More like regular Dr. Pepper than *what*? % there's like no room in my fridge. which is weird, 'cause there's only two of us living here ATM. How much of that stuff is still there because it would be a shame to kill off sentient races by cleaning out the fridge? =) I dunno. I keep getting chased out by a microscopic space fleet. % they're re-releasing E.T. Finally. I've been saying they should let him go for years now. * meri giggles. . o O ( They're re-releasing E.T....) . o O ( ...INTO THE WILD!) . o O ( !) ! % Heh. The New Worf-Sapir Hypothesis: the British have 200 words for Lawyer, but it was the Americans who suffered the consequences. % all roads lead to bnaylor % * AB adds yet more twists in the labyrinth of obscurity that shields his SeEkRiT Identity from the teeming masses. % From what I recall, Bahrain is pretty damn liberal. I mean, they opened up gambling and booze in their culture so that all the rich people from all the surrounding dry countries could go on weekend trips to Bahrain. =) (Ok. So maybe I'm confusing opportunistic with liberal.) Bahrain isn't really a country. It's kind of like Kuwait. a large private family-run plot of land masquerading as a nation. *nod* hey, that's like my house scromp: yeah, but how much oil have you got? :) I'm afraid I'm a little deficient in the oil department. I do have a chihuahua, though. % * shodan grabs ducky MAKE SENSE, MAN! * ducky grabs shodan... I CANT!!! ITS THE CHEESE!!!! % bob: quote Carmen Sandiego Sorry, I cant find Carmen Sandiego . o O ( Damn, /nobody/ can. ) % * sitzkrieg suddenly realizes he has no idea when the wedding is he's supposed to attend. * Prowler has decided he's only attending bachelor parties... no weddings. see. normally, I'd say the reverse. but in this /particular/ case, it's a tossup. Catholic service. the last wedding I went to was great. 20 minute ceremony. Get 'em in, get 'em married, and get 'em to the reception. I'm gonna go crazy at this thing. * sitzkrieg is seriously considering bringing a gameboy or something. % I can't feel my nose. This is kinda odd. I mean, I know it's there. My glasses are staying up. % Weeble. Two big spamruns caught and a biggish open relay. I feel like I've done a whole day's work and it's only 2:20. Bah. <_huey_> It's Miller Time! <_huey_> Find an abused proxy; go for the hat trick. Don't wanna, I wanna sit back and read some Transformers pr0n. Er, I mean... % http://www.locksley.com/cthulhu/spotting.htm cthulhu field guide IS YOUR NEIGHBOUR REALLY NYARLATHOTEP IN DISGUISE? * meri . o O { Well. Actually. } % so how can they run a headline "Man Killed By Green Line Train" when they say in the article that it's not clear if the train actually struck the man? because they suck? oh yeah, there is that * chiba hates journalists * chiba denies ever having been a journalist because it's not as sensational otherwise, and the reading public won't be as drawn in Perhaps "by" in this context means "near"? Or, Green Line Train is the author's name, and the title is "Man Killed" i guess Man Possibly Killed Near Green Line Train doesn't have the same effect Man Dead In General Vicinity of Train . o O ("Some Guy Dead Somewhere In City, Possibly Near An Unspecified Public Transportation Vehicle") . o O ( "Man Dead In Bizarre Train-Related ''Accident''. Train Held For Questioning." ) . o O ("Train Allegedly Raped By DC Police") % anyone know how I can get outlook to sync with a webmail account? what do you mean by sync? get it to pull messages from there? which provider? hotmail? actually, my lotus notes webmail account.. give that up use the company webmail interface chiba: NEVER! NEVER GIVE UP! MUST * bubbles wants to use outlook where lotus is concerned, it is better to give up, thus saving yourself the trouble of banging your head against a brick wall you'll never get it NEVER, DO YOU HEAR??? * bubbles hopes everyone realizes that all of this challenge is making her yet more determined * AB challenges bubbles to give him all the money from her paycheck each week, then taunts her by saying there's no way she can do it. % urgh * Murple thinks development cycle for DeathCold 2000 v1 has begun * meri stays the fuck away from murple * Murple begins chemical assault on virus using deathcup deathcup spiked with habaneros and shitcakes . o O ( Fool! You only make us stronger with your puny deathcup! ) % * shodan gets spam Subject: Fire Your Boss!! phrog: You're fired! Yay! . o O ( Nothing Happens ) . o O ( Stupid spam. ) Crap But wait! If I'm running MY OWN SUCCESSFUL HOME-BASED BUSINESS, would I have to then fire myself? . o O ( Spam vs. Spam! FIGHT! ) % i'd love to be drew barrymore for a day further elaboration would require you to wash. o dear. I'm feeling unclean already. curiosity made the cat feel SO DIRTY! % My wife just called to tell me the Napster guy was on the MTV awards wearing a Metallica T-Shirt. Muwahhaahaa Lars seemed none too pleased. Wish Ida seen his face. Not that I'm bitter or anything. % I had a terrific idea for a cartoon earlier. The scene: A smoke-filled jazz lounge. On the stage, a duck plays an upright bass. The duck wears a black beret. The signs are all in French. The caption: "A bass canard." % ok. i won't wear a bra. i shall jiggle to my heart's content! % Horny 19/F going crazy in front of my webcam!! It's free to signup if you wanna check it out too! Click here (etc etc) . o O ( For someone in the throes of lust, you type surprisingly well. Shouldn't you be doing something else with your hands? ) % SPIKE! You fucked up the users file again! Do you know what you did wrong? (N/n) Do you promise to get someone to fix it? (Y/y) Are you doing so RIGHT NOW? (Y/y) --A series of prompts specially coded for a particularly inept Erols admin (from Back In The Day(tm)). % OMFG MY BALLS ARE ON FIRE! ! !! me rubbed hot sauce on them accidently ROFLMAO um !!!! accidentally? ugh the sting how do you 'accidentially' rub hot sauce down there! I'm eating wings, and had to scratch * meri chose exactly the wrong moment to return to irc % . o O ( The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I like it! ) % . o O ( Shodan's from Lichtenstien ? ) . o O ( Shodania ) . o O ( Shodania imports: tobacco, coffee ) . o O ( Shodania exports: smoke, piss ) % shodan! you here yet? n0pe, n0t yet come, come smoke with me! MUST! * shodan tries to leap through the monitor * shodan bonks his head. nrg! % mmm-kay. work sucks information needs to be free and stuff i keep information locked up all day long my info will not be kept like veal ...free my people, zork! i don't think veal is usually raised in climate controlled rooms with raised flooring. however, depending on the sheath, cat5 might make a good lasso. i said sheath. huh-huh % there was a possum in our yard last night, my dog wouldn't have anything to do with it * scromp . o O ( what the hell is that ugly thing?! I'm going back inside where it's safe. ) my cat will eat anything that he can, and if he cannot eat it he'll try and love it, and if it won't love him back then he'll wrestle with it. sounds like you could make some money off that cat % * scromp works the ibm budget like a pro careful categorization of my machines' roles causes management to decide I don't have a primary workstation at all, so I'm eligible for a top-priority refresh. :) % 666 (or one of his many heads) accounts for nearly half the nicks on this channel for instance, winter is 666 head #23, the one with the rotating laser eye % Is it standard procedure to start some sort of project on your house, and at a very annoying juncture find you need to go to the store and buy a tool you weren't aware you needed until it was annoying? it's happened to me I'd say I'd be surprised were it to happen any other way. i have been known, on occasion, to have read enough of the directions beforehand to have the proper tools prior to starting the job . o O (AIEEE! SHE'S NOT HUMAN!) % i got email from my high school librarian and he mentioned that he keeps an online journal so i go and check it out and learn about his trip to go buy his wife a vibrator in waikiki * meri scrubs her brane % * shodan grfs at Final Fantasy X some more * shodan has "stopped playing for the night" about four times now :) * shodan turns off his psx2, then eats it % *** scromp changes topic to 'NATIONAL BUFFER OVERFLOW AWARENESS MONTH' % FedEx should put GPS transponders on their vehicles so I can see on a map exactly where the truck with my packages is *right now*. % "I originally bought this drive for my wife as a Christmas gift. Yesterday I found out why she needs so much drive space. She has been sending pornographic videos of herself to deviants over the web.... So I no longer need this drive or my wife! Good Luck bidding!" --From an eBay auction, 01/17/02 % man some things never change bob barker is still reminding me to have my pets spayed or neutered % ARGH jesus fuck how many times do you have to tell people DON'T PUT CONCALLS ON HOLD * meri listens to john denver singing "rocky mountain high" % [caz reads the quotespage] ! . o ( He drops his tensions on her patch, and she rubs it in like a coconut hair conditioner. ) * caz scratches his head. i gotta quit huffing the oven-cleaner. % You know it's a wider world when you can buy "Smoky Chipotle Flavored Hummus". Ay Chihuahua wa marhaba bil wilayaat al mutahida. --Michael Rathbun % People on Graveyard do not need to wear clothes? Cool. In that case I might switch to the graveyard shift. hahahahahah . o O (mental note: must stop staying in the office quite so late...) % * shmit flashes naked repeatedly to loud fast jpop jpop? Japanese Pop That sugary crap they seem to like over there because they have no black people to kick the shit out of them for being pansies. % My computer seems to be unwilling to load EQ . o O (It's finally had enough.) % I dunno. I think when a relationship is over, it's /over/. I don't put a whole lot of faith in the whole 'working it out' process. But then, I'm...um.... *** sitzkrieg is now known as jaded Hi! % * AB turns on his dehumidifier . o O ( * AB turns on his humidifier ) . o O ( * AB turns on his dehumidifier ) . o O ( Most of the east coast is wiped out in the resulting moisture/anti-moisture explosion ) % * ducky eyes a abuse request to get all info on atw-dhcp1 * ducky raises eyebrow I'm gonna have to shut down that porno operation I have been running now. no! not that! where will we find hot oiled mallards now? oh, the humanity! % Midgets. My world needs midgets. % These graphics are bad, folks. I mean BAD. Pre-Doom bad. Pre-Wolfenstein bad. Pre-Etch-a-Sketch bad. I've seen more defined shapes in my last bowel movement. --Source unknown % . o O ("Dear Fuckwit Admins, Fix your automagic nastygram- generator so that it is less annoying, or I will cut you open and fill your chest cavity with rabid, starving wolverines then sew you shut with barbed wire. I yearn for you tragically, Fimbulfimbul P. Fimbulfimbul") % rofl "Printer error: Printing failed for some reason." % GAH! Launchcast.net just tried to play me something called Linkin Park. I'd rather be fucked by hippos than hear more of *that.* % ... *** Nyarla is now known as | <|> I also state that all e-mail addresses listed on my website are <|> copyrighted. I state this in all spam reports that are forwarded <|> to the FTC & FBI and I have yet to get a response saying that they <|> will help me prosecute them for copyright violations. *** | is now known as Nyarla haha o dear. (well, sir, that's 'cause you're a goober.) % "Dear sir, I have eaten pieces of toast I thought were smarter than you are. Please to fuck off bigly. Into the muck. Hope you one day find a cl00. love, Abuse" % *** meri is now known as | <|> Until this week I could connect to the newsgroup <|> theologyonline.com, but then was cut off. A friend whose with <|> another ISP still accesses that URL. Will you please re-establish <|> the connection for me? *** | is now known as meri mmm. confused users. % ...I wunner if I can call into work dumb. "Hi, AB? I can't work today. No, man, I'm fucking dumber than a bucket of hair. Right, see you tomorrow. Bye." % * b0rk ponders food. . o O ( Quick, Ribman! To the Meat Mobile! ) % * sitzkrieg blinks. . o O ( do I even wanna know why this user is uploading a file called 'goatcam.jpg' ? ) % I told him, if you just hold it in your mouth, you're not gay % christ, one of the "headlines" on abcnews.com is Emeril Shares His Dad's Meat Loaf Recipe well, stop the fucking presses on that one % "Richard Gere stars as a Washington Post reporter named John Klein, who is so happily married (to Debra Messing) that when they agree to buy a new house, they decide to test the floor of a closet for lovemaking purposes, to the surprise of the real-estate agent who walks in on them. If there's one thing you demand in a real-estate agent, it's the good judgment to leave a closet door closed when he hears the unmistakable sounds of coitus coming from behind it. Furthermore Gere is 53. He's in great shape, but to make love at 53 on the floor of a closet with a real-estate agent lurking about is, I submit, not based on a true story." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "The Mothman Prophecies," 01/25/02 % I have gained almost 100 lb since being hired at Erols lo those not-so-many years ago. b0rk: What, just now? % cvs tag is on cvsup mirrors already. i'd guess install bits will be today sometime of course, that would presume that ftp.freebsd.org is up, which it isn't must be running bsd * Synergist hides * gjp drops an APX on syn ouch * Synergist dies Bitch. If it was running BSD, it'd be fucking your mom _and_ serving up files. % oooh, ieee is allowing folks to download standards, as long as they are older than 6 months u-steve: whoa. kick ass. was very useful when I had to review 802.1q to tell cisco to put down the crack pipe Cool! of course, it does read like it was written by folks who've never been laid in their lives ( and I should know!) % How many tlds end in r? .ar, .br, .cr, gr, .hr, .kr? .ar, .br, .cr, .er, .fr, .gr, .hr, .ir, .kr, .lr, .mr, .nr, .pr, .sr, .tr, .zr Fuck, it's assimilating the whole alphabet! % basically company-wide instant messaging is just a bad idea. I find it quite disheartening when 4th line manager type people send me messages like "heh LOL! ;)" % * Torq notes fimbul and jots down "stuff" * fimbul offers torq a quick bio My favorite activities include summoning Chthulu, devouring the flesh of the living, and long walks in the moonlight I like posies, horsies, and fisting vids, and... bah. % meri: When is the IT audit supposed to be? friday and saturday And what are they looking for, again? AB: dissenters * AB suspects fimbul may speak truer than he knows why you say I speak truer than I know? My paranoia is acting up again. I'm afraid I've already said too much, unfortunately. ... BASTARD * fimbul --> under desk % YAH Spam that tells me I can increase my sex drive. * shodan ponders selling his sex drive on ebay Can I get a waranty? A warranty on a sex drive? That's tricky, since they just wear out over time. eh, my sexdrive had IO errors a while back crashed hard was never able to get the OS back up. * meri laughs * meri ponders the sex drive. How do you format it? What's its capacity? What drive letter is it? . o O ( SEX:\> ) \\SHODAN\SEX\ * meri . o O { Network device. } um other people can mount your sex drive? Nah * shodan isn't a shared resource. But, are you single-ended? * shodan checks * shodan nads . o O ( Hey, a pun. Of sorts. ) * sitzkrieg ponders the phrase "socket connection" in this context. laf I would hate to see what else you would have in your exports file. dude so uh is your sex drive scsi? * meri runs and hides Yep and self terminating too mine is a BLOB. :D . o O ( Seven simultanious connections, baby ) dear god... this takes three fingering to reboot to a whole new level. * aeris bangs head against the desk repeatedly, trying to make the bad images -stop- % bah --> bed *** Syn is now known as Syn-Sl33P SYN! what about me! your promissed! after I get the bedcam installed. okie I want the world to see our dirty love. % Whoa. 3rd edition Nemeth is out. of what? ... * sitzkrieg envisions someting vaguely elder god related. UNIX System Administration Handbook. AKA "The book by Evi Nemeth" hrm. I was right. % * sitzkrieg searches altavista for "world's largest penis" results 1-5 are fairly "eh". But.... 6. Amazon.com: buying info: Children at Risk * sitzkrieg dies laughing. % but i hear that new Mac editor is better? what's it called? e-mac's ? i think you can buy it through e-commerce or something. % If I'm gonna own a pet, I want one that will tell me (in no uncertain terms) to fuck off and die. Cats are, in my experience, the reigning champs in this arena. % * effect wonders how much his (very religious) family would criticize him if he had a wedding with a Judge rather than a Priest. effect: If dvorak and I were ever to get married, it would be a short civil thing. The only other options would be to do what *his* side of the family wants, which is a catholic wedding, and that ain't happening, or what *my* family wants, which is a full Japanese wedding, and uh... no. meri, do a Klingon wedding! Pain sticks! * meri attempts to formulate the best possible answer to that, and can't work her way around it. % Oh fear. One of the answers to today's CNN crossword is "flamewar". % so, did anyone else notice that the "account compromised" email to rcn-noc was reporting cache-2.sbo.ma.webcache.rcn.net as the offending IP? heh. Reminds me of the whole 800.com thing. "This horrible user is generating an inordinate number of hits, and if he doesn't stop, we're going to block all of RCN!" It was one of the caches. And the "inordinate number of hits" was something like 6,000 over 2 weeks. "we don't want any traffic to our webserver!" Something like that. % Open source is great, but if it involves C++ it might as well be in Etruscan. That language makes Perl look attractive. % gah! * Nyarla forgot she changed wallpaper on NT box the other day, and startles herself with EXTREME CLOSEUP!!! of dognose % hey, I can increase my ejaculation by 600%! 581% wasn't enough to get me interested, but 600? Now I'm gonna send 'em my money! % the techs are looking at me funny That's because you're female. % I'm a little tea pot, short and stout FUCK YOU DIE DIE DIE! Little FURRY animals in my head! % Argh! * shodan accidently posts to usenet with his real, private email address * shodan eyes su RILLY RILLY warily * mattn hands shodan a cancel Won't help here. * AB lunges at Usenet in slow motion * shodan 's address has been spam-free, right up 'till now create a new address. :) * shodan grabs sitz ! DON'T YOU SEE?! IT'S TOO LATE!! :) * sitzkrieg can't see. * sitzkrieg already impaled his eyes. oop * shodan hands sitz some new eyes . o O ( I had some spares ) * sitzkrieg tries to eye the eyes warily, and (for hopefully obvious reasons) fails. % . o O ( Dear $DEITY: Would you like to run your own home- based business? ) % outb0rk: want me to get nekkid in your office? shrew: Less than I want to be cheesegrated to death. outb0rk: that could be arranged. We're running low on ground beef. beef? he's like the third white meat. yeah, but ground outb0rk would be all stringy and diseased and we might hit piercings and stuff and dull the grater. % you guys are strange. in that in-patient sorta way. /We're/ strange? * outb0rk hands calavera a mirror. you're the one with the blue hair, tonto % * aeris makes scottish noise of amusement * AB avoids the resulting phlegm projectiles % Okay. The Head d00d of Firestone gets bonus points. what fer ? the ford thing ? All ATX/ATX II tires recalled in the size p235/75R15 ah And the Head d00d of Firestone, in a press release, said: "I want to thank the employees...in this difficult time for their tireless efforts." Geddit? * AB pokes ton Geddit? "Tireless?" ahahaha they're going down fast * madwolf groans There's a small part of me that says "If he said 'tireless' as a purposeful pun, there may be an inkling of hope for humanity." % "'The Watcher' is about still another serial killer whose existence centers on staging elaborate scenarios for the cops. If these weirdos would just become screenwriters in the first place, think of the lives that could be saved." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "The Watcher," 09/08/01 % I had my windows domain admin password set to "fuck-me-harder". Briefly. "What's the domain admin password?" "Uh, let me see if you're authorized for that..." (run run run type type type) "... it's fluffy-bunneez". % 666 : I had a flash of a sailormoon like scene. or He-Man. * Slarti shuffles away from winter nervously. . o O { By the Power Of Microsoft!!! } "Star Power Windows, MAKE UP!" *weedle* *poit* * winter snickers. "errm" "they don't make cosmic scepters like they used to..." * winter wonders what sidekick animal the MCSE hero would have... Basset hound. probably a monkey that crapped all over everything. No, defnitely a basset hound. Or a chihuahua. * Slarti has a mental image of just how quickly humanity would be fucked in "Neon Genesis Evangelion" if NERV was staffed by MCSEs. One of those horribly deformed incompetant dogs. yea, and its power up would be that it got sleepier or smaller respectively. don't diss chihuahuas they're smarter than msces a cocker spaniel would be perfect happy, clueless, enthusiastic genetically mutated to the point they're hardly dogs anymore % mmmn...pineapples in a can, prepackaged for my pleasure % "Anyone who orders a mail-order bride over the Internet deserves more or less who they get. The bride may or may not be looking forward to a lifetime as a loving and devoted spouse, but she is certainly looking forward to an air ticket, a visa, and citizenship in a Western democracy." "Would-be husbands who do not understand this probably believe that beautiful women gladly offer themselves sight unseen to men merely because they have mastered such skills as logging on, typing, and possessing a credit card." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Birthday Girl," 02/01/02 % if murple were to catch fire, everybody within 50 miles would get a contact buzz tempting isn't it yeah but i think it might be somewhat rude to actually set murple on fire % Yeah, it's peeling the scalp off the skull I'm so bad at. mischan % * caz investigates the bustle in his hedgerow. % [snip foolishness involving the song "American Woman"] every now and then i find myself with no cd's and one day i found myself with nothing good on the radio either...found 98 rock...and that was playing radio... thats that thing with the dials that tries to sell you stuff, right? % * leeann fdisks scottm Good morning Dr. Chandra. *laf* % I was never much of a Kiss fan I had a friend in HS who could recite their albums in chronological order, each track on each album in order of appearance, and the lyric credit for each song. but you killed him for the good of humanity, right? By now he's probably dead of a drug OD. you *left it to chance* ?! FOOL. MAD FOOL. % His Penis Viruses penetrated my Browser! % * AB notes an email in the Abuse queue with the subject "FIRE YOUR BOSS!" * AB eyes the Minions warily % ALL ROADS LEAD TO SNOOBS! % apple clue? wash off the pesticides really well and look for worm holes before taking a bite bruised spots can taste really nasty, too Cool. After that, how do I get it to print to a JetDirect? erf, beats the smeg outta me % I have done the unthinkable I have saved *all* of jon katz's slashdot text and trained a Markov bot on it [time passes] WHAT'S FUCKING PATHETIC IS THAT FUCKING RETARDED PERL SCRIPT IS MORE ARTICULATE THEN THAT FUCKPIE SLUT!!! * scromp detects that his torture bot is a raving success % while I force the ginormous cock of black, wretched death out of Eudora, allow me ask, Nyarla, you are the Elizabeth Peters fan, yesno? If so, do you know a Lauren Hardy's police procedurals set in ancient Egypt? s/hardy/haney/ (forgive me, I am wrought with the desire to DRINK THE BLOOD OF WHATEVER GOATSUCK BUILT EUDORA PRO.) *ahem* Excuse me. Soon, I will begin to dribble orange, carroty spit and howl profanities and imprecations at my computer like a more bitter version of King Lear. Then I will charge through the office naked, painted blue from head to toe, punching out monitors and screaming "FUCK EUDORA!" in a strangled, blood-mad voice. If you encounter me in this state, your only hope is to feed me beer. Lots of it. ! but I have no beer! Run. Go now, while I can still control it. % shodan just can't remember more than about 30 minutes into the past I can too! Why, just today I.. uh.. * shodan scritches his head * pepito whispers to shodan, "pssst, smoked a cig" Oh yeah! % . o O ( o/~ killing me softly with his bunghole, killing me softly ) % * pepito does shodan's dew * shodan !s in accordance with Shodan Conversation Specification v9.34 % Once you experience a septic tank cleaning, you want to learn as much about septic tanks as you can. "Know thy enemy." Nothing smells like years old shit on an August day in Charleston. % . o O ( Not the brightest bulbs in the crayon box, are they? ) % Gah. I just saw my reflection in the mirror in the bathroom. I'm unshaven, and I need a haircut. I looked like a Thundercat. Fear. Fimbulo *nod* I guess I'm okay though. I'm wearing manly flannel rather than a silly blue tunic, so I've not going to end up in some freak's collection of pr0n clipped from Cat Fancy yet. % *sigh* Sundays spent in an empty mrf.va are dullsville. hrm... mabe ducky or shodan left their firearms at work. I could shoot things! ooooh I could shoot the security guard even. Just to keep him on his toes. Every good security guard needs to know just what to do in such a situation. does he have one? you could borrow his naw, our guards are gunless. The guns might go off while the guards are asleep. what's their symbol of authoritie then? a cellphone to call the real police? Polyester pants. In some cultures, that makes them the big kahuna. % Ooh, meri! I thought of you yesterday. Jeannie made a dish caled Tuna Picatta. * meri fears how this leads to her Which I immediately earwormed to the tune of a song from _The Lion King_ hahahaah right crap It's a highly effective earworm I'm afraid. None may withstand its awesome power. % so, i went to bed last night and i wasn't tired so i did crossword puzzles and decided i wanted a movie in the background turned on the tv, *flip* *flip* *flip* "Oh. Sure. Se7en will be a good choice for a falling-asleep movie." 'zounds! there's a movie sure to induce dreams of biggish suck. . o O (I am five years away from speaking my own dialect. In ten, I'll have my own language and I'll be paying my girlfriend to interpret.) % . o O ( o/~ I SO SAD AND RONERY, SAD AND RONERY ~/o) boredom is forcing me to earworm "Just a Gigolo" sung in a bad Charlie Chan accent. % *** shodan is now known as shoghost * shoghost goes bump. in the night! Indeed! . o O ( What better time to go bump? ) % [snip discussion of Harry Potter] theres a thread in my NG about it..the Onion did a Parody of them that was so close to accuste alot of people who read it and werent familiar with the Onion took it seriously that scares me alot them being the people who think theyre Satanic books * coyote murders syntax while it lies there helpless % "the abuse sytem is like about not getting the much impormation about math i need more" --Actual complaint received by abuse@rcn.com, 02/07/2002 % i learned something today it may be vital to your continuing existence on this planet "compared to who?" is not the correct answer to, "do you think my breasts are small?" % "Save $100 on The AB Maximizer - As Seen On TV" I think we have enough AB as it is :) % i need ramen broth for my forearms. !?! that made more sense in my head you oriental people are so mysterious % hrmph. just found out the reason my shirt collar felt funny was 'cause I had the thing on backwards. * Nyarla stares suspiciously at AB, etc. % User complaint: "I request that the porn that showed up on my internet be removed. " "Dear sir: I have removed the all the porn from the Internet. Please feel free to look at either of the two remaining pages without fear." % I want to kill the sodding, fleamarket philosopher one cube over. This guy can eat a whole bowl of dicks and choke on the crab- ridden hair. I wanna feed this fukker to badgers and force his children to watch reruns of _Who's the Boss_ until their brains rot and dribble out their useless mouths. I can love my fellow man, you see, I'd just rather do it with someone else's barbed dick. I think somebody needs a hug! % hrm. is there a specific term for a person who has both a hyphenated first and last name? dork that's what I thought. % * shodan snerks at wolf3d's scripting * shodan takes out some d00d with a rocket launcher, and mops up a couple other soldiers * shodan waits at the end of the street, while the tank lumbers along towards him They've got more anti-tank weapons! Hurry! I can't take much more of this! * shodan looks around at the utterly-deserted street, and at the shiny, pristine tank . o O ( Er. What game are /you/ playin'? ) % interesting foxnews.com news alert: Report: Canadian Skaters to Receive Gold Medal * arcas sighs no information yet - wonder if they're giving them a 2nd Gold - or are they taking it away from the Russian skaters who did nothing wrong? they should just let it go I tend to agree - I'm against punishing the Russian skaters though i'm for punishing the female russian skaters i think they deserve spankings in fact, i think that should be an olympic event % http://zarahemla.dhs.org/ Ladies and Gentlefolk, I think we have a Twit Sighting. The word you're looking for is "nerd" That'll do. Dorks such as gawd himself might pity. (Then, still pitying, destroy in an effort to better his creation.) Check the flags of the Realm. The ones for Stovokor have Klingon words and other Star Trek imagery. christ. not to mention verious and sundry Narnia and Dr. Who refereces thrown in. Of course I can only spot these by viewing them with my inner dork It's like a train wreck, where the train is really, really embarrassingly ugly and silly, and the obstacle that threw the train off the track is reality. % heh. caesium hydroxide will eat glass. So will syn, if you give him enough beer first. % * shodan wonders why people put sesame seeds on bread They have no taste, no nutritional value, and they can't be digested . o O ( Egad, man! What's the POINT?! ) % *** Nyarla is now known as | <|> On the streets of America it is illegal and offensive to expose ones genitals to children <|> and this should be applied to PC's if it's not. I am angry and this is unacceptable. *** | is now known as Nyarla . o O (if your PC has genitals, I wanna know where you bought it...) % * ducky -> take of clothes -> visisons office -> turn head and cough ! ! * Synergist is no longer hungry % * scromp chokes on coffee what now? I'm .. choking on coffee. I mean, really. oh - thought you read something that did that to you nope, just good old fashioned tracheal blockage. % i just realized I haven't showerd or change clothes since friday whoot % * rw-rw-rw- googles, and finds a bunch of pages on *erotic* coffee enemas. A whole world is passing me by. Ahem. % Q. Why don't the British make computers? A. They can't figure out how to make them leak oil. % PLAYBOY ENT B is currently at 14.25, the price range for today is 14.12 - 14.52. Thats a change of -0.97% since opening. I can't help but think that Playboy would be a good stock to invest in. Tits never go outta fashion. amen % * shodan snerks at the putty faq Q: When I cat a binary file, I get "PuTTYPuTTYPuTTY" on my commandline! A: Don't do that, then. Q: When I cat a binary file, my window title changes to a nonsense string! A: Don't do that, then. . o O ( Q: When I cat a binary file, the-- A: Look. Why in the world are you trying to cat binaries anyway? What's wrong with you?! ) % Why isn't there a "rebuild everything that's changed" command? There is now: *** rw-rw-rw- is now known as | <|> Makefile: new file: 15 lines, 302 characters <|> bejiita# make <|> bin/postmap canonical.sender <|> bin/postfix reload <|> postfix-script: refreshing the Postfix mail system <|> touch last_update *** | is now known as rw-rw-rw- And $VBC's support center they want us to pay $50k a month to use is just peachy. Look at this: *** rw-rw-rw- is now known as | <|> Makefile: new file: 15 lines, 302 characters <|> bejiita# make <|> bin/postmap canonical.sender <|> bin/postfix reload <|> postfix-script: refreshing the Postfix mail system <|> touch last_update my god, it looks just like the output of the makefile rule you just wrote! % [snip URL of sugary-cute Japanese animated ad] That URL is evil. Makes USA cutsey look downright lethargic. I'd think the Care Bears were on roofies and the Smurfs were ill- tempered fiends if I'd grown up with that. It seems there are whole armies of perkiness lurking outside the USAian borders. % * loon screams "THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END" evidence: pacbell is being helpful entropy will one day rule us all well at least i had some vegetable soup before the end sex would have been cooler * fimbul gets out a cricket bat and waits for the rain of frogs % This KFC is the greasiest/fattiest thing I've consumed in weeks. I may well end up in the men's room passing soap bubbles this p.m. % "The Department of Extranormal Operations strongly discourages private citizens from exposing themselves to extreme radiation, experimental chemicals, or alien technology of any sort in the hopes of gaining miraculous abilities. Remember: For every superhero born in the fiery crucible of atomic catastrophe, there are hundreds or thousands of others who just get cancer and die." --Dan Curtis Johnson % guh * shodan goes outside to smoke and is blinded by his own shirt . o O ( That'll learn me to wear white when it's sunny ) % Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg." % "The command '/stand' is now implemented. We've added this command because not everyone speaks programmer and would think that the logical reverse of /sit would be /sit off." --EverQuest Patch Message, 01/25/02 % [AB shows a bag of "3-D Ruffles" to Erekosë] AB: [mimicking the voice of a monster truck rally announcer] WE'VE MOVED OUR SNACKS INTO THE *THIRD DIMENSION*!!!! Erekosë: You mean we've been eating 2-dimensional snacks all this time? No wonder I never get full! % i love the severed head of dick clark um...that didn't sound right % The Onion: You're not playing a character? Gene Simmons: No. You should ask the fans. In [Alice Cooper's] show, there are characters. There's a girl in a toothpaste outfit and dancers that come out. It's theater. We just get out there and play. Nobody else gets out there onstage. I mean, we dress interestingly, but so do football players. --Interview with Gene Simmons, The Onion, 3/20/02 % "See, the rest of the guys with guitars around their neck want credibility. I don't want credibility. That means nothing. Remember, none of these guys learned how to play their instruments properly. They all did it by ear, the lazy man's out. So a big word like 'credibility' coming out of a guy who's unqualified to say anything other than 'Do you want fries with that?' is delusional." --Gene Simmons % * fimbul decides to create a line of kosher food products bearing the motto: "It's Yahweh, or the highway!" % There was a news spot of a U.S. General talking about the Afghanistan conflict. He said, "I would say to al-Qeida, if you come out of your holes...beware the Ides of March." The news anchor then pointed out that the General had been an english instructor at the academy, so he knows all sorts of obscure Shakespeare stuff like that. Sheesh. We really are a nation of idiots. % Dig it...the guy's fiance gets shot and killed, so he goes back in time to keep her from getting shot. Then she gets run over and killed by a carriage, so he decides it's not possible to change the past, and goes searching through time for why. In the first place, I don't think he would have come to that conclusion after only two deaths. In the second place, the film lost a great opportunity for comedy by not having him go back seven or eight times... ...so we could see her get killed in increasingly bizarre and improbable ways. By the time she's eaten by a rogue tiger in the streets of New York, THEN he should start to wonder if it's impossible to change the past. % I deal... poorly... with medical intrusions. When they can scan me with a pint-sized hairdryer like they do in Sci-fi movies, I'll go get a checkup. % * AB sifts through the "Forgotten Realms Novels" message board and notes a proliferation of "Who would win in a battle between...?" posts. Gandalf vs. Merlin vs. Elminster The Death Star vs. Lucky the Leprechaun Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear vs. Spawn % $appropiate $daypart to you all! Thank you Mr. van den Hout and wonderful `date +%p` to you too. % don't suppose anyone's seen shmit lately? not since december thank you. you've been a great help. I KEEL YOU NOW. no you don't i'm way up here nyah nyah * sitzkrieg fedex's naked 15 heaping pounds of rabid-razor-laden death. why would i open that ? because it says "godiva chocolates" on the front. % Exterminate, with extreme prejudice I've never understood that phrase: does that mean I beat them to death with a klansman? % wow. this is like tic-tac-toe for morons. which explains why I'm having fun. % VIRGINIA BEACH -- A 12-year-old girl confronted by a flasher in an elevator Monday night reacted quickly: She grabbed his zipper and yanked it up. --The Virginian-Pilot, 4/4/02 % *** Nyarla is now known as | <|> In Shire Year 2013, war was beginning... <|> Frodo: We get ringwraith! <|> Gandalf: What you say? <|> Gandalf: Palantir turn on! <|> Gandalf: It's you! <|> Saruman: How are you hobbits! All your ring are belong to us! *** | is now known as Nyarla % THIS TRACK IS NOTHING BUT RINGING PHONES! WHY FOR, TORQUE, HAVE YOU LOANED ME RINGING PHONES? I HATE phones! SMASH! yeah, that's not one of my favorites. and this one's shit falling on the ground. it's mood music, I guess, if the mood you're aiming for is "caffeinated psychotic break." I am coming to your cube. In one hand will be this cd. In the other, a loaded pistol. % * fimbul stares at his lunch. mmmm. soggy spinach. note to self: dress salad just before you want to eat it, not three days previous. * fimbul ponders eating soggy spinach. * fimbul ponders Wendy's. ... * fimbul ponders the $0.35 he has on him. * fimbul ponders killing and eating the security guard. % you know the beef bus won't be around tuna town for much longer mischan % the bulky box also helps prevent the temptation to insert anally % Pope's health casts Easter shadow Does that mean we're going to have 6 more weeks of lent? % I just want to have a job that lets me walk around pretending I'm a robot and announcing in a loud, metallic voice, "I AM YOUR ANAL CONTROLLER." It'd be fun. Up till I got shot in the head by some dork who doesn't think I'm nearly as funny as I do... % "Great Old Ones don't kill people. People kill people" Great old ones do, however tell people to kill people. but you can't fault them for that . o O ("* Note: Great Old Ones do have a tendency to drive people into the terrible abyss of madness, but that's neither here nor there.") So would you, If you could. % Gawd, being on accutane the first time, when I was 15, was hell on earth. I mean, how was I supposed to know one's penis could chap? NO ONE WARNS YOU ABOUT THESE THINGS! % * AB phears the domain "injury-lawyer-network.com" I'm not even looking at it. it'll make me froth. I dealt too long with lawyers. Enough to seriously advocate duelling as an alternative to litigation. % "Do vampires exist? Of course not, but that doesn't stop loads and loads of podgy girls and effeminate boys from strapping on the goofiest black outfits possible and pretending to be scary vampires. These ghoulish and misunderstood kids spend the time after their evening shifts at McDonald's role-playing the life of a vampire and dreaming of being the next Count Chocula, whose crossover celebrity is the envy and inspiration of all children of the night." --www.somethingawful.com, 4/17/02 % "Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them." --Terry Pratchett % "Ron Jeremy, sometimes known as Ron Hyatt (his real name), also known as the Hedgehog (not his real name), is best known, improbably, as the world's most famous male porn star. Why improbably? Well, he's 43 years old, 5-foot-7 and a slice of cheesecake away from 200 pounds. He's also as hairy as a Chia Pet. And his swarthy, puffy, sometimes sweaty, mustachioed mug inspires comparisons to Pagliaccio and the Frito bandito. A stereotypical stud, Ron Jeremy is not." --Salon Magazine, 4/2/97 % "Of all the special effects in the movie, the most impressive are the ones that keep the breasts of the many nubile maidens covered to within one centimeter of the PG-13 guidelines. Hu, a beautiful woman who looks as if she is trying to remember the good things her agent told her would happen if she took this role, has especially clever long, flowing hair, which cascades down over her breasts instead of up over her head, even when she is descending a waterfall." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "The Scorpion King," 4/19/02 % From: ton: Subject: *** 3 Days Delivery to your HOMM *** to my what? to your HOMM can't you read? what is a "HOMM"? you don't have a HOMM?! I thought iceland was a modern city-state. and you don't even have HOMMs! I would emigrate to beirut or kabul or just pack up and live off a donkey in the outback if I were you. heck, even west virginia would be an improvement tell me about _your_ HOMM ... I'm afraid that's classified information. need-to-know basis only. % "Dear Gibbering Buttmonkeys, Yes, our user sent you a virus. No it wasn't intentional. I don't care what "evidence" you think you have to the contrary. Now, fuck off, or I'll gouge out your eyes with the tiny hard on you get from yelling at folks from the safety of the chair in front of your computer, you dribbling lard ass. Thank you for writing RCN. Love, Fimbul the Fairly Peeved" % So, I've just realized that M$ Exchange and Active Directory are sucking my life force. My IQ is falling, and simple things are being missed. I need a UNIX transfusion, stat. Quick, nurse, this man needs a Zaurus! * KH gives scottm an /etc/fstab to fix on a sunos 4 system with only 'ed' available ed r0x0rs j0r a$$! % so, are fake vietnamese noodles faux pho? % That is one BIG flower! * cheesy dances naked around the channel % we can read the words on a dime from space, but god forbid we try to find a big ass tanker 20 miles from hawaii % *** Nyarla is now known as | <|> Q: Are there any books you should read to figure out how your computer works? <|> A: Your computer manufacturer may include a thin book called a "Manual," but you should NEVER read this, as it will void your warranty. Most computer books for real techies are disguised in code, and are written under the pseudonym of "H.P. Lovecraft." Follow these instructions completely, except substitute "Cthulhu" for "your hard drive" and "the Necronomicon of the Mad Arab Abdul Al-Hazred" for "the 'Start' button." *** | is now known as Nyarla % "I've worked with Clint Eastwood, met Jack Palance, and deal now with the people who put the boots on the Duke himself, John Wayne. And they're all no different from any other man who could kick my ass and destroy me economically." --Clint Black % "Where are all these zillions of states hiding in a black hole?" Mottola said in a recent article in New Scientist magazine. "It is quite literally incomprehensible." My theory is they're hiding between New Mexico and Texas. But I suspect there could be a few zillion states hiding out in Louisiana or Alabama and nobody would notice. In fact now I think about it, this is one of those theories that can have no observable consequences, since what happens inside the event horizon is basically in another universe. while we're on the topic of cosmology... http://www.discover.com/apr_02/featguth.html Well, how about that. There's the other universes right there! Of course there are other universes! Didn't you watch that STNG episode? Which one? The one with the evil astrophysicist who was trying to use stolen Federation technology to create a hyperdence vacuum-filled black hole and create his own universe... I'm waiting for NASA to discover that planet where all the women look like models and walk around in their underwear. You think NASA would tell us about that? That's the real reason they don't want tourists on the ISS, they're afraid they'll find out about it. now that you mention it all this Area 51 and Roswell business is starting to make sense now It's really obvious. People are motivated by money, sex, and power. If NASA was getting money or power from the alien technology, they wouldn't be having budget problems. So what does that leave? % So, Margaret was just discussing IT stuff in a cube nearby, talking about peoplesoft. I heard "papalsoft." I can't imagine what Papalsoft software would do... "Priests, Oblates, Monsignors, and Bishops! Catalogue your catamites with New! Papalsoft(tm) Software. Never misplace those pesky altar boys again!" % * b0rk accelerates Operation San Andreas Beach. * shodan initiates Operation Decelerate b0rk's Operation * b0rk initiates Operation Shut shodan Down. Hey! I'm... *sn0re* * b0rk re-accelerates Operation San Andreas Beach. % "I dig the fact that I get to occasionally show that I'm creative. I mean, that's what I live for. That and being retarded." --Ty Pennington % "The final question is always, 'What happens when we nuke Cthulhu?' The answer is, of course, 'He reforms 15 minutes later. But now he is radioactive!'" --Cthulhu Now rulebook, page 14. % Life at f"(x): if things are getting worse at a decreasing rate, that's an improvement. <_huey_> Kind of derivative, innit? death is too good for you! % FUCK HP WITH BILL GATES BLOATED STINKING CORPSE AND A WROUGHT IRON STAIRCASE. And an alligator. and this juniper bush. Good man! <_huey_> I think I have some unexploded ordnance in my garage you can use too. You guys... you guys... you're great. I love you guys, I really do. *sob* % "ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico (Reuters) -- The Milky Way galaxy has been caught in the act of shredding an ancient star cluster and leaving a tell-tale trail of stellar debris smeared across the sky" * scromp . o O ( "What the galaxy was doing in New Mexico is at this time unknown." ) * scromp . o O ( "If convicted, the Milky Way Galaxy faces up to 11 years in prison." ) " Scientists had suspected that galaxies like the Milky Way were capable of such violence against some of the oldest structures in the universe, but now they have evidence" * scromp . o O ( But he always seemed like such a nice galaxy! ) sank you, he'll be here all ze veek pfft % "I've seen a video-tape of my own open-heart surgery, so nothing grosses me out any more. Seeing your still beating heart briefly removed from your chest and placed in a metal bowl is a d20 san loss situation, even if it is on a TV screen." --Jason Sinclair, 06/07/02 www.rpg.net message forums % "There's another game I have a copy of at work I can't remember the name of, think it's Star Patrol, but it's got stats for Trek and Star Wars and all sorts of crap they didn't have a license for. Oh yeah, and when you create a random alien, you roll for Appendages. How you manipulate objects. One of the results is 'Labial Manipulation,' which, frankly, I could do without." 'Quick! qO'pthU! Hand me your gun before...before... You know what, you keep it. Urg.' I've since guessed that Labial Manipulation means 'like an elephant does with the mouth at the end of its trunk.' Which is kinda dissapointing. The possibilities when captured by beautiful alien women in thigh boots who want to steal your brain were a lot more interesting with my original vision." --mattcollvile, 06/7/02 www.rpg.net message forums % "Well, I managed to tell my Uber-Christian Right Wing mother that I was gay and an atheist. I'm willing to bet you can suggest to your folks to buy a fence." --Magic Pink, 06/08/02 www.rpg.net message forums % "The trouble with Star Trek, is it's basically communists/liberals in space. What exactly is there to do? You can't make money, since you're communists. You can't really explore, because again, you're liberals, and you can't interfere with anyone, because you can't make value judgements on other cultures. All you can do is sight-see and sing stupid hippie songs." --NPC Jeremy, 06/08/02 www.rpg.net message forums % University of Hawaii astronomers announce the discovery of 11 new satellites of Jupiter. These new satellites, when added to the eleven discovered the previous year by the Hawaii team, bring the total of known Jupiter satellites to 39. Jupiter now has more known satellites than any other planet. I personally think that Jupiter is pooping new moons to keep the astronomers on their toes. % [snip URL of David Brin critiquing the "Star Wars" movies] heh. I was in agreement with Brin even before I'd heard of him. "His computer's off. Luke, why have you turned off your computer?" "Well, shucks, I'm gonna depend on good old fashioned right-brain intuition rather than godless technology"... "Luke, you're sitting in the cockpit of a warp-capable starship and your best friend is a robot, and you're telling me you're not depending on technology?" % "That brought my rig up to 4 peltiers, 6 radiators, 4 pumps and 9 fans." http://www.overclockers.com/tips1003/index.asp I wonder how much he's spent overclocking it, and how much it would've cost to just BUY A FASTER COMPUTER? peltiers go for around $20 so that's $80 right there I'm guessing little pumps cost $25 or $30. maybe more. "...Being the bargain seeker..." NO YOU'RE NOT, YOU TWIT. % I wouldn't want to push that hard with an anal fissure. % "One day, the apocalypse will come and the internet will exist no more. In preparation for that day, I refuse to let machines do my ignoring for me. I keep my warrior skills sharp by ignoring people WITH MY OWN MIND. I know it's not for everyone, but it's just the kind of rugged he-man I am." --SteveD, 6/7/02 www.rpg.net message forums % "You know that scene at the end of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' where they open up the box, and the skull faced ghosts come out and melt everybody's face off? The other day, I changed a diaper like that." --Greg Stolze % * Nyarla blinks at spam for "MILITARY GRADE CYALUME LIGHTSTICKS" . o O (for those important tactical raves...) % "The poetry [from the Deathstalkers 2nd edition RPG]. It's bad. I'm not even vaguely joking here. Avoid it. If I could find a black marker that wouldn't seep through the pages I would mark it all out. Seriously. And I NEVER write in my books except to draw big dicks on all the horses." --Magic Pink, 6/9/02 www.rpg.net message forums % "Give me a bowl of Alphabits and a keg of beer and I could barf up a better season ending than the crock that was pulled on Andromeda." --Mike Zebrowski, 6/9/02 www.rpg.net message forums % "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." "In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal." b0rk found his "dime-store philosophy-a-day" calendar Yep. % SEOUL (Reuters) - A South Korea man in his mid-twenties died Friday after setting himself on fire and leaving a chilling suicide note saying he wanted to be "a ghost and the 12th player" for his team in the World Cup, police said. "I'm choosing death because South Korea has to go far to compete with the Latin American and European teams. I will be a ghost and the 12th player on the pitch and do my best for our team," police in the southeastern city of Pusan quoted the note as saying. You know, if more soccer fans had his sort of mindset I doubt there would be as many riots. % Only a week ago I deplored the wretched "Scooby-Doo" as a blight on the nation's theaters. My fellow critics agreed. Checking the Web sites that monitor reviews, I find that at RottenTomatoes.com the movie scored a 26, at Metacritic.com a 27. Passing grade is 60. The American public effortlessly shrugged off this warning cry and raced to the box office to throw away $54 million. --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Lilo & Stitch," 6/21/02 % washingtonpost.com front page, under "nation" section "Asteroid Nearly Misses Earth" "Washington Journalists Nearly Master English Grammar" % UDog: I Have Tried Vanilla Coke. And I definitely don't like it. Coke floats are superior in every way to this pale imitation vanilla flavoring. unheilig: must you constantly blaspheme everything i stand for? % The American version [of Iron Chef] replaced the applause and good- natured cheering of the original with the very epitome of the "Ugly American". We were loud. We were boisterous. We were like Julia Child in a spiked collar sitting outside a WWF ring while watching the Undertaker shove a twenty-pound souffle up Mick Foley's ass. --Ain't It Cool News, 7/4/01 % LAS VEGAS (AP) - John Entwistle, the quiet, efficient bass player who co-founded The Who and helped it become one of the most dynamic and successful rock bands in history, was found dead of an apparent heart attack Thursday in his Las Vegas hotel room. He was 57. *** arcas is now known as _ <_> they only had a story a couple days ago of the remaining 3 <_> members going to tour *** _ is now known as arcas That's off now, I suppose. % I think their name is stupid, but I heard a bit of a band called "Deadsy" and they sounded like somebody thawed out Gary Numan and let him kick somebody's ass very, very slowly. --Dr. Rotwang!, 6/28/02 www.rpg.net message forums % i need to practise my buzzer technique % It's possible that the most bizarre homestyles on Earth are those proposed by Martha Stewart, which cater to the neuroses of women with paralyzing insecurity. What woman with a secure self-image could possibly dream of making those table decorations? --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Home Movie," 6/28/02 % This is a one-time e-mail transmission. We don't make profits, but you will need to buy a copy (upon which your life depends). It is NOT a 'Religious Document' it is the TRUTH. This email is perfectly legal under God's Laws of Liberty, given to Moses on Mount Horeb, Sinai, which are the only laws legal on planet earth. (Deut 4:1-2) --Found at the bottom of a religiously oriented bit of junk email % "Just because you have a messiah complex, that doesn't mean you're not really god." % [phrog goes to lunch on a scorchingly hot and muggy summer day] man * phrog just walked to lunch it's like living in someone elses sweat % [snip discussion of upcoming GenCon] American Badass: What will you be wearing? Naughty Bishop: Conversations that start with this line are the reason my phone bill is so high every month... % History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club. --John W. Campbell % * rw-rw-rw- photomorphs AB's head on Ron Jeremy's body and posts it to NANAE. * AB notes that his body already looks like Ron Jeremy's body, so there's no need for photoshoppage. I'll just send you a picture of me, nekkid, with an erection. uh oh, this has turned into one of THOSE "chat rooms" all of a sudden * rw-rw-rw- hastily updates his email filters. % *** Nyarla is now known as | <|> To: abuse@rcn.com, rcn.com@rcn.com <|> Subject: (no subject) <|> I am not fat ! my dick is big enough and I don't want any email <|> that I cant return! what do I do/ THANKS *** | is now known as Nyarla (thanks for sharing! love, abuse) % "Australia, home to 9 of the top 10 venemous snakes, venemous fish, venemous spiders, venemous seashells, venemous octopi, venemous jellyfish, and the world's only venemous mammal... we love ya!" % To: caz@ultra.net Subject: Caz, Want a BIG Penis? ... no! i mean! can you restate the question? % i have a movie reference question if, in reference to talking to someone you dont know on the telephone, they say this: Don't be Sharon Stone, I won't be Anthony Perkins. what..? I'm thinking wossname movie where Stone stabs people with scissors, and "Psycho" Yeah. "Basic Instinct" "you don't be a murderous nutcase, and I won't be a murderous nutcase" "If you wear underwear, I won't dress up as my mother" % Okay... I'm not sure exactly how you did it, but you just made having a beer-drinking goat for a mayor seem perfectly reasonable and sane. Don't ever use your powers for evil --bobthepariah, 8/8/02 www.rpg.net message forums % and there won't be any work to do for the last 6 weeks of RCN's existence anyway chiba: so we will have 6 weeks of severance instead? :) nah we'll just have 6 weeks of (more) slacking (than usual) * vision preemptively slacks vision thinks towards the future % it's too bad, really. hell's got kickass hold music not really, there only so much Tiny Tim you can take. % "Your LazerWash-9000(tm) can clean my car without touching it, change my oil, calculate next year's income tax, and give me a close shave. Your payment machine is more advanced than my home PC. So why, in the year 2002, do you NOT accept credit cards?" % Principal Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise, we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. % Principal Snyder: One day, the campus is completely bare, empty. The next, there are children everywhere...like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist. Giles: Well, I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, that school principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation? % Principal Snyder: There's some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense. Giles: Well, actually, that would be one of the five. % NEW! FUCKING INTENSELY RANCH DORITOS! They're totally wild! Insane! An orgy of ranch flavor! These Doritos are so packed with flavor over-load they'll HUMP YOUR GOD-DAMNED TONGUE!! You'll lose bodily control and shriek with ecstasy! Not for the timid! --Jason Sinclair ponders potential snack-food products % I'm kinda surprised that after all this time, sendmail's config is still based on ancient hieroglyphs . o O ( To enable sender-validation in sendmail, enable this option: bird, squiggley line, sideways man, fish ) % * shodan microwaves a microwaving-not-recommended-pizza . o O ( MUAHAHA! ) <-- rebel [a few minutes go by] Heh, woah. And, now I know why it's not recommended * shodan grabs a spoon % Man, some of the names you get playing online spades in games.yahoo.com "nakedandridingamechanicalbull" o_O ... and playing spades while doing so, apparently. the mechanical bull has a laptop built in, I guess. some people have serious amounts of concentration. % "I apologize if anybody's offended," the mayor added. "If you are offended, don't wave back when they wave to you." --NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg, responding to criticism for inviting two cast members of "The Sopranos" to take part in the annual Columbus Day Parade % * scromp should shut the blinds before the neighbors see him dancing around the house to "It's A Small World" like some kind of deranged doofus % the winona verdict has no effect on my life one way of the other they could administer a lethal injection right there in the courtroom and, while I'd be amused, I can't think that I'd care an hour from now % CyanideBreathmint: Screw Harry- I want my Sirius/Remus slash. SteveD: Mel, you do realise this is precisely why fanfic writers are hunted for sport in more civilised countries, like Australia? --www.rpg.net message forums, 11/13/02 % [snip discussion of a guy who burned his johnson with his laptop] And, of course, the picture of a 50-year-old dick resting flaccidly on top of a keyboard will take me through breakfast and lunch without needing either. --Kuma, 11/27/02 www.rpg.net message forums % You know, I never will grok Hentai. Watching cartoons rape other cartoons... It's not for me. % Andy Kitowski: Nowadays "cram schools" are more popular than ever (unfortunately, IMO- they only teach Answers to Problems and How to Take Tests, not how to use your head or make the world a better place... well, not that the real Japanese school does that, either). Egil: So you don't think preventing an invasion of transdimensional transvestites is making the world a better place? --www.rpg.net message forums, 01/07/03 % * Erek finds nuts in his rum ball and experiences a redundant double entendre % "I've always thought 'EYEBROW' would be a good license plate. It would just freak everyone the fuck out. What the hell could it possibly mean on a license plate???" --Metallian % SHOWER: COMPLETE . o O ( SPRINGTIME-FRESHNESS: ACHIEVED ) % I get the feeling I'm gonna have most of the building to myself today. so are you naked streaking through the hallways? If I get naked here, it'll be to leave ass-shaped marks on your monitor and desk. % ! preserved lemon! there is preserved lemon in my salad! * fimbul eyes his salad warily. you know... I made this myself. I should not keep finding things that surprise me. % * shodan looks up his meds, and discovers with some amusement that one potential side-effect of anti-nausea meds is.. nausea. . o O ( Made by PlaceboTech Pharmaceuticals. ) % So I got one of the "adopt a panda" kits at the nature company today. You know what? They don't actually send you the panda. What a gyp. % there is an amazing wealth of really bad dragon pictures on the net . o O ( Yeah, it's like none of the artists have actually seen one before ) :) * shodan is reminded of part of the UO2 faq "We use motion-capture technology for nearly all of our ingame animations. Well, except for dragons. They don't fit in the studio, and they don't really like having little sensors put all over them." % WOW, college women want me! NOW! What, *right* now? That's what the e-mail says! . o O ( "College women NEED* you NOW!" ) . o O ( * - For a study on the psychological effects of mocking ) % * shodan 's upper and lower jaw and back of my head and forhead hurt uniformly, it seems Sounds like the direct center of your head is feeling okay. * AB finds the silver lining % Damnit. I'm going to end up watching this fucking movie again. Just so I can find Jay and Silent Bob. ? Jay and Silent Bob are in Scream 3. Somewhere. *blink* Not just Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith. Jay and Silent Bob. Jay and Silent Bob should have a cameo in every movie. =) *grin* "Dammit Silent Bob, I *told* you that Ripley bitch wasn't puttin' out, she was a mutherfuckin' alien and shit." * meri . o O { Bond, James Bond. Holy *shit*, Silent Bob! It's motherfucking *James* *Bond*! Dude! This man gets more pussy than like all of the rest of the world combined! Holy shit!" } * meri high-fives Dizzy =) % Heh. I have a root canal on Wednesday. And I don't think I'm gonna make it. I'm just dentist-phobic. * AB rents "The Dentist" and "The Dentist 2" and gives 'em to meri * meri ignores AB. Corbin Bernsen as an insane, homicidal dentist. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. From a prominent role on L.A. Law to a bit part on one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation to playing psychopathic dentists in B-grade straight-to-video slasher flicks. * AB grabs Corbin Bernsen WHERE'S YOUR DIGNITY, MAN? . o O ( See this paycheck?) . o O ( Oh. Right.) % ab! * naked licks ab * AB spritzes himself with antiseptic % [snip discussion of Russian pseudo-lesbian pop band tATu] Curt Thompson: What puzzles me is why we are importing shoddy singing eastern European pseudo-lesbians when North America has a supply of perfectly functional domestic singing lesbians. Call me crazy, but I'll take the refined angst of a KD Lang or the sultry stylings of a Melissa Etheridge over some cramped yugo of lesbianism any day. el Rallan: Because KD Lang's a real lesbian who doesn't write mass market pop, while these crazy russian gals are just a big commercial fake that have everything teenagers want. Teenage girls all get to feel hardcore and daring because they listen to a lesbian band (which will no doubt cause more gals than ever before to say "It'd be so cool to be a lesbian and not have to put up with guys" and totally not mean it at all), and teenage boys will of course be kept up all night thinking about the music videos. It's a win-win situation from a marketing perspective. Meanwhile all KD Lang and her ilk do is sit around singing Fly High Lesbian Seagull or whatever and not doing anything remotely cool by teen standards. --www.rpg.net message forums, 02/03/03 % coyote: I'm counting on the technology gods to be able to give me removeable filters for my lungs when I need 'em in a few decades :) shodan: id settle for a new liver whn I need one:) * shodan rummages around in a drawer Ah, here we go * shodan hands coyote a new liver . o O ( I have a bunch of parts lying around. I'm building a woman, you see. ) * coyote smiles. Thanks, dearie:) But wont your woman need it? Eventually, but she's far from complete. I keep loaning the parts out :) * shodan can't remember who has her boobs at the moment. . o O ( Probably someone looking for one of those stress-ball thingies ) % yo ho yo ho a perverts life for me.. want some candy little girl? just reach inside me jeans.. there you'll find a tootsie roll .. WOOOHHH.. there's me jelly beans.. yo ho yo ho a perverts life for me % * AB notes email in abuse queue with subject: "Why is your computer trying to communicate with my computer?????????" * AB resists the urge to respond "Our computers are just friendly like that." "They're lonely" Oo. Even better. * AB scores pepito five bonus points. * pepito cheers . o O ( "In order for a network to function, computers need to communicate with each other. Otherwise, they just sit around and stare at each other across the room; that isn't very much fun." ) % You know... ...from reading this channel, one *might* (if one were given over to rampant speculation) surmise that loon was indiscriminate in her affections. * AB whistles innocently ab: not indiscriminate... . o O ( More polyglot) yes ab i like women too... ... % * Synergist shoves a Cisco 7507 up ducky's ass does that mean we are going to start recieving traps from ducky's ass? HAHAHA TRAP FROM DUCKY'S ASS : Core DUMP hahaha haha lol TRAP FROM DUCKY'S ASS : Ass Exception Error LOL TRAP FROM DUCKY'S ASS : Illegal Entry he farts TRAP FROM DUCKY'S ASS : Enviromental Alarm! HAHAHAHA rotfl haha this is too much gotta stop TRAP FROM DUCKY'S ASS : Finger Denial we need ACL's on his ass . o O ( allow-host Synergist ) % http://www.normastitz.com/Biggest-Bra.htm 72 WWW i dunno what that means but it's got a www in it, and i think that's somehow significant % *** sitzkrieg is now known as | <|> Q: I saw an Elvis Presley PEZ dispenser in the movie "The Client". Where can I buy one? <|> A: There was an "Elvis" dispenser used in the movie "The Client". This was a model used for the movie, not an actual dispenser. Unfortunately, we never manufactured an "Elvis" dispenser, nor do we have any plans to do so in the future. *** | is now known as sitzkrieg (from pez.com) O bang the drum slowly d00d. Elvis Pezley. * AB makes a note to smack sitz % * meri attempts to remove her left temple from her head * outb0rk parses "temple" as "nipple". I have no nipples on my head. Man. I mischanned that to another channel first. I am now getting weird looks. % FUCKSTICK!!! ! GODDAMNEDMOTHERFUCKINGSONOFABITCH!!! ! * AB quickly points the Tense-O-Meter at b0rk % Greetings. You will doubtless be pleased to know that the account of the spammer you're reporting has been been ground into fine metal shavings, distributed amongst some 27 or so small glass vials, and launched independently into the heart of the sun. We apologize for the inconvenience of this spam, and hope that the rest of your day remains spam-free. Yours, Afterburner Manager, Abuse Department RCN Internet Services --Actual response to a series of spam complaints, 09/22/00 % . o O ( HOT TEEN FERRETS WANT TO CLEAN YOUR OVEN! ) % ... *** AB is now known as | <|> I am equally and terribly concerned as this is a moderated group, <|>so a level of hacking had to be undertaken in order to make the <|>posting appear, this indicates to me (an IT professional) that this <|>individual can only be pursuing further less savory activities. *** | is now known as AB errr... an IT Professional, who has slim clue about news . o O ( /me debates using (an IT professional) whenever making a refrence to himself ) "Forging Approved: headers" != "hacking". "an IT professional" ==- "can point and click my way to set up a peecee" . o O ("Dear sir. Forging 'Approved:' headers != hacking. Furthermore, the phrase 'IT professional' says to me 'Minor functionary who runs WinNT on his desktop but who otherwise has little clue about TCP/IP networking issues.' Thank you, drive through.") % AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! people are dumg er dumb You don't say. % * AB spots an email in the abuse queue with the subject "Why are you scanning my computer?" * AB replies "Eh, just bored. Nothing else to do, really." % * ducky is a 19 f in alaska big dady oops wrong window % * scromp laughs as intel's disk-maker tells him "Please label your diskettes!" like it's some kind of public service message for the children!! . o O (For gh0d's sake man, label your diskettes! Lives are at stake!) . o O (*sob*) they need a celebrity spokesperson, their message just isn't getting out with these install-program banners. . o O ("Greetings. I'm Brent Spiner. Perhaps you know me better as 'Data,' from 'Star Trek: The Next Generation.' And that's what I'm here to talk about today: Data. The heartbreak of searching for 5 or 10 minutes to determine which of your unlabelled diskettes contains the data or program you need can be so easily avoided. Please ensure that your data is properly organized by labelling *all* your diskettes. Thank you.") % there are rumors of AIM-to-the-phone that's just dumb. "Look, I can send an AIM message to your phone! From my phone! Isn't this 1337!" % fear what comes up on the nude ecchi pokemon hentai searches. % http://www.engrish.com/images/recentdiscoveries/horny.jpg * shodan tries to figure out what the product actually is, and what it's s'posed to do to an elbow callous remover Ahh. * meri . o O { It takes rude, tactless, unfeeling people and kills them. } . o O ( Much like charles bronson ) % Instructions: DO NOT ADD WATER . o O ( Oh yes? You are hardly in a position to make demands, little can... ) % Growing bonsais is all part of my long-term plan of turning into Pat Morita. % * shodan ponders Opposing Forces Squad, quiet down! ... Uh, roger that. ... Have you seen anyone from my platoon? ... Does anyone know who's in charge of this operation? ... Uh, roger that. * shodan looks around Who the hell are you talking to?! . o O ( Hey man, I'm just providing atmosphere. It's not /my/ fault the game designers gave me crappy one-liners that sound like they should be a conversation. Ah. OK, carry on. Uh, roger that! ) % Hrm. Time to make a shopping list. So far, I have chicken and powdered sugar. (Not to be used together.) % My attempts at RAWRing at bookstores about their lack of banned books displays failed quite impressively. Well. We got a lot of complaints about it last year. ... That's the point, you dolt. Band books? Our music section is over there. ... % whoa. japanese woman won the women's marathon, and shaved 20 minutes off the olympic record. whoa. that's not a shave. * sitzkrieg shaves fairly regularly, and is reasonably certain that analogy ain't right. . o O ( either that, or I should be decapitating myself every morning. ) % * sitzkrieg pokes nyarla. hai! went down to silver parrot today. No luck. :( best suggestion they had was "nordstrom". ...looking for collar clip stuph? * sitzkrieg nods. * AB ponders "collar clip" . o O (My BDSM Sense(tm) is tingling) % gack. * sitzkrieg inadvertantly attaches a screen session to a screen session. . o O ( * sitzkrieg is sucked into the resulting screen black hole. ) % * meri notes that the highly scientific "smoosh everything together in a ziplock bag" method of marinating things works much better when there's not a hole in said ziploc bag. % * shodan installs sitz with a symlink . o O ( IYKWIM, etc ) . o O ( IYKWIM Actually, I don't. Oh, me neither. I was hoping someone could 'splain. ) % * sitzkrieg finds himself in the classic quandry of "do I buy a walking cane or a top hat?" cane yeah. 'cause if you buy the hat, you /need/ the cane. well that and you can beat people with the cane % is presidents day really that big of a holiday, or are the stores trying to commercialize it? what do you think? I think they are trying to commercialize it. but that's the same for every holiday. im most facinated by the fact that you have discovered this fact, just now. % i think the smaller the penis, the larger the car also, Mason's Rule: Every time you peel out, your dick shrinks. % nrg! * shodan manages to lose his lighter again * shodan finds his lighter . o O ( Mental note: Panic sooner; it always shows up at that point in some really weird place ) . o O ( * shodan panics, causing his lighter to appear in mid-air a few feet in front of him, slowly rotating ) % * aeris demands a Nipple Lighting Technician! % grf. wanna rinse second-hand smoke outta my hair, but the shower's all the way UPSTAIRS *whine* *whine* * Nyarla ponders dunking her head in the old fishtank instead % damn you people and your fag music *** curly (curly@mind.phuct.net) has left #commies he sure is chipper in the mornings, isn't he. * AB ponders the usage of "fag music" in this context * AB eyes curly warily admittedly, I'm probably the only person in the world who likes uh, "my music" that's why I queue it up at 0645 in the friggin morning And what would, uh, "your music" be? AB: I'm a short wide goth who's making a cyberdifference! * AB h0rks :P * AB notes that this isn't necessarily an answer to his question AB: really slow depressing stuff. Ah. AB: "fag music" Like Type-O Negative's cover of "Summer Breeze." nah, couldn't stand that but pretty close :) . o O (Like Seals and Crofts original "Summer Breeze.") . o O (Like "Seasons in the Sun" from Terry Whats-his-name) er too hippie, really But it's slow and depressing. true * Oblivion <- trying really hard not to say "goth music" Go ahead. Say it. You know you wanna. All the cool kids are doing it. ... "Goth Music" * Oblivion cries "cool" indeed Lots of Cure, then? uh, a while back. not much anymore tho. more newer rilly obscure kinda stuff. "Black Tape For A Blue Girl" was what curly was complaining about, and that's my current kick . o O (* Oblivion quickly kicks the stack of Cure CDs under his bed.) . o O (* Oblivion quickly covers all his Robert Smith posters with posters for Skinnypuppy and Front Line Assembly.) hahahaha % "teen hacker now regrets 'fun' " gee ya think? The FBI has a way of inducing these regrets. % * sitzkrieg lafs at "www.certifiedpornstars.com" Certified in what way? Porn stars with MSCEs? they're CPAs on the side. Certifiably insane? Porn stars that have had themselves notarized? that sounds painful Indeed. % The most important thing I need to buy actually is a coach, a CAT-PROOF couch. no such thing unless it's a titanium couch in which case it will not be terribly comfortable for extended periods % Amusing Anectdote Follows: There was a VH-1 Behind the Music show on No Doubt recently. In which it came to light that Gwen Stefani had dated Tony Kanal, No Doubt's bass player, for 6 years. don't speak was about their break-up It was further revealed that they broke up before "Tragic Kingdom" was recorded, and most of the songs on the CD were angsty break-up songs, written by Stefani about their breakup. According to the show, he didn't "dump" her. He felt that they were great friends, but that they didn't have any room to grow together and mature as a romantic couple, and in his view the best thing for them would be to break up and find someone with whom they could respectively grow. In any event, during the Behind the Music show, the other band members pointed out that, basically, every day in the recording studio when they were recording "Tragic Kingdom," the bass player got to play bass for songs that were basically saying what an asshole he was. * coyote snickers rudely They all gave him due credit for sticking through it. Even Stefani. * AB found that amusing. the moral of this story, never hook up with a chick with pink hair. % [Northern Virginia has gotten over a foot of snow] okay. im thoroughly bored I think im going to go take a shower and see how my car deals with this your car will even notice that you've showered? % I'm one of those kinds of guys who can eat whatever he wants and stay very obese. --Andrew % [shodan returns from a trip (on foot) to a nearby 7-11 during a major snowstorm] Jeezus, that's a lotta sn0 * shodan *PANT* *WHEEZE* *GASP* *WHEEZE* [time passes] * shodan finally manages to catch his breath . o O ( Sheesh. ) . o O ( * shodan -> smoke ) % ! * AB makes the big, big, big mistake of upending the remaing Sea Salt and Vinegar Kettle(tm) Chip crumbs into his mouth. Tangy(tm). * AB looks around for a green persimmon to cut the sourness. oh my you were doing that with kettle chips? you poor, poor man. * AB nods meri * AB attempts to unpucker hey, i did the same thing with 'red-hot blues' a moment ago. caz: Funny you should mention that, as those are the other bag of chips I have here on my desk. they're ok! Yep. Not hot by my standards, though. no. but good. * shodan changes AB's standards ! . o O ( Muahaha ) * AB suddenly finds shodan attractive ! * shodan quickly hits undo % shodan has a booty? I thought he was like zork. Essentially assless. * fimbul points it's right... Nevermind. * shodan nads, I'm currently sitting on nothing Although zork will claim he has the stealth ass. Which doesn't conjure up the image he's looking for, I don't think. meri: Just a bend where his back meets the top of his legs? * fimbul steals "Essientially Assless" and sells it to Calvin Klein as a perfume name % * meri tries to think of a good reason to go to the west coast. "I left the iron on in my hotel room when I was there earlier this month?" % "The beauty of a raw milk cheese is you can actually taste where it's come from. You can taste the milk, your palate can detect the land, the grass, the herbs where the cows are grazing naturally." * AB notes that this is not a selling point. "Buy our cheese! It tastes like grass and dirt!" % *** aeris has quit IRC ([BX] Uh oh... I'm getting a blip on the gaydar. Richard Simons is coming!) * AB shudders at the image of Richard Simmons coming. % [Nyarla pastes a URL for an absurdly large-breasted RCN customer who runs her own porn site.] What's wrong Nyarla jealous ? Nyarla... you are a sick woman. ugh jealous? dear god no. you couldn't pay me to haul that crap around. * Nyarla *likes* being able to stand upright unassisted. Y'know... As I recall, Guiness doesn't grant awards for that kinda thing. Wow, she's one of our users. More than one, I'd say. Dear, gawd. . o O (In the event of an emergency, this user can be used as a floatation device) % Ok. I have found a bit of the olympics I have no interest in. * meri changes channel Nude Beach Curling? wrestling heh. Aren't they allowing the pros in this year? % if i had to create banner-ads for a living, i'd hang myself. can you imagine your boss coming to you and saying "ok, we want it to look like a window, right? and it should have options to spy on your wife, your kids, your employees, and umm, have an 'other' - and I want the mouse to look like it's clicking the 'other'." that's where I'd put the revolver in my mouth and paint my boss and the cube a deep red or whatever. % * Nicolai thought pir was leaving cambridge this morning obviously the trained attack cats are not good enough to chase him out % [snip discussion of lame superheroes, in which Bouncing Boy (of Legion of Super Heroes fame) is cited as a lame superhero] Dood. Bouncing Boy married *Duo Damsel*. That would be the Duo Damsel who could split herself into two identical bodies. And who was an absolute hottie to boot. So we have a fat kid, and an obvious geek, who marries a gorgeous babe who can whip up a m/f/f menage a trois at the drop of a hat without having to go outside the marriage. You *wish* you were as cool as Bouncing Boy. He's clearly got it ALL goin' on. --Afterburner % * AB ponders Sim City 3000 * shodan hands AB Sim Shodan 3000 "look! he's drinking coffee AGAIN!" % gak. anyone in mrf have their laptop with them? sitz, yea * sitzkrieg grabs effect. . o 0 ( but i'm not currently in mrf ) but your laptop is accessible, yes? that's what i'm using right now, at home :) yes. :) * sitzkrieg is now confused. * effect eyes sitz warily oh, you have your laptop there where I can't use it? ahh. correct. :) anyone in mrf have their laptop with them? so, you're a prick, is what you're saying. * effect took "anyone in mrf" as "anyone that works in mrf" * scottly has his laptop with him....but isn't in mrf either thank you. you're both a great help. die in a fire. % when you only live 3.5miles from your office it should /NOT/ take you over an hour to get home it does when you stop to smell the hamsters % GODDAM ALLERGIC REACTIONS!!!!! ! * effect takes his damn medicine. man this pisses me off You know, if you're gonna own a cat while you're allergic to cats, you have to remember to take your medicine. =) % So the downstairs is quiet. ...too quiet. * huey goes downstairs. Wife's coat is still here. Back door is open. She and the dogs are outside. * huey goes outside, to find... wife, with chair pushed up against tree, trying to throw rope over low branch. * huey 's heart stops. What are you DOING? Trying to make a spring-pole for the dog. But I can't get the rope over the branch. * huey 's heart starts again. * huey throws rope over branch, and after several abortive knot-tying attempts, makes rudimentary spring-pole for Shit Factory. Dog is now hanging by a sock tied to the end of a rope thrown over a branch in the backyard. The tree appears to be winning so far. hee hee . o O ( Don't DO THAT. ) . o O ( Ex-Wife starts fucking the football team rather than stay married to you, you think "Worse, worse, how can it get any worse?" Then you see the new and improved model obviously trying to hang herself, and there's your answer. ) I think I'll have another drink. % In fact, in your circumstances I think I'd probably have shot everyone, at least a little. --Whollyrandom % everybody in my house had strep this winter except for me Congrats. yeah I think I played the part of strepto ton as carriers don't need to be sick try as I might I couldn't get my coworkers sick finally they asked if I could please stop licking them % see, I used to eat whole milk on my cereal. then I started using 2%, which I stuck with for ages. Couldn't go back to whole milk after that. jenn uses 1% milk almost exclusively, which I used to not be able to stand. been eating it for a while now, and now I don't like 2% any more for the same reason I don't like whole; too rich. at this rate, I'll wind up eating my cereal with water, and then with air. % You know what time it is, shodan? Bah! . o O ( It's eleventeen? ) . o O ( What kinda fucked up clock is this? ) fuck you too! COFFEE TIME! ! . o O ( s/COFFEE/SHODAN/ ) * shmit nads shodan It's always time for S-H-O-D-A-N * shmit pokes shodan and watches him jiggle * shodan refuses on general principle to jiggle fine . o O ( Take that. ) % I haven't seen "Highlander: Endgame" since I was in Thailand when it opened, and would have been prepared to go even farther to avoid it, if necessary. --Roger Ebert % how do you know it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? when the big hand touches the little hand % * caz encourages all mbo-ers to give the new shredder a spin in 175 it rules, and stuff you can jam entire MacWarehouse catalogs in it % ... * Nyarla just got paid off by the Feds. in cash, no less. ! bha?? *nod* yeah, I'm still boggled. Nyarla's buying my hot FBI chix0r just came and gave me $200 as a thank-you for all my help. whoa and a snog? no, but she DID bring a hot Asian FBI chix0r with her... hot FBI Chix0r? pictures please * Nyarla chuckles hot FBI Chix0rs whippin out the benjamins . o O (wow! I can afford to eat this week! thanks, Uncle Sam!) . o O (wonder if the bills are marked...) . o O (Your tax dollars at work.) yah, but the payoff was for struggling with CBOSS. so, really, it'll just begin to make a dent in the therapy bills. % . o O (AAAAGGGGHHHH underpants gnomes!!!!) % At least 5 die in fresh Mideast violence how's that for a headline getcher fresh violence % sigh. the first house in Bolton, MA starts at 259k. 'dahling, how Can you live in that shack.' . o O ( Pretty decent net speed in that house ) . o O ( Oh, price. oop. ) . o O ( "This house is priced at 1.5 mil." "1.5 megabit? Cool! How much does it cost?" "..." ) ... one track mind * shodan watches his joke go down in flames due to the inclusion of "priced" * caz hands shodan updated comedy schematics. % when you consider that you could probably hide u-steve in Nyarla's cleavage * Nyarla stares down at her chest and wonders what the hell pir is smoking Nyarla: consider your boobs, consider u-steve you could damn near hide u-steve between 2 mosquito bites hey! . o O ( u-steve: The only human that can hide behind a single strand within Cat5. ) % . o O ( Cthulhoid-B-Gone(tm), from Shodan Heavy Industries, now in a convenient aerosol can! ) . o O ( Warning: May or may not send Cthulhoids back to their home dimension. Results not guaranteed. Use with caution. ) . o O ( *pssssssssssssssssht* Mmm, potpourri. Oops. ) . o O ( Look! A 3-headed monkey! Where?! * shodan zing! ... Damn. ) . o O (TV Commercial: Great C'thulhu and one of his unholy StarSpawn walking tentacle in tentacle, bathed in unearthly light. StarSpawn asks in a bashful voice "Dad, d'you ever feel, y'know, not so fresh?") * shodan would imagine that's a common problem for Cthulhu and his spawn. What with all the oozing and all . o O (Cthulhu whips out a bottle of "Summer's Ichor") % FUCK! ! Toilet seat go boom? screws holding the toilet seat on are wedged *doh* and I don't have a huge enough screwdriver to get 'em off I hate it when I cant get em off maybe I need more lube perhaps put on some music, break out the champagne... . o O (jer gets in touch with his inner SmooveB) % * meri half expected a "FREE AT LAST!" at the end of shrew's shift report dude it was SO tempting *grin* correct me if I'm wrong here but meri != dude :) I think I'm an honorary dude. ah * piraeus hands meri an honorary penis ! Ooh! Just like Syn! * meri hides. * piraeus chokes % * meri is flipping through channels, and sees a reporter standing under a big umbrella, next to a local Hawaiian. "Here in Hawaii, and particularly on the island of Kauai, they consider rain a blessing, don't they?" Eh... Mebbe if you stay visit. Udduhwise, can be a pain in da okole. ... Well, back to you, Stan! % coyote! * Nyarla snogs wifey #2 * coyote snogs in welcome * Nyarla snogs wifey #1 for good measure * AB feels like he's suddenly found himself in a Heinlein novel % Heh. I have a love note from Raven BlackBane * AB deletes. just can't get over afterburger, can he? He's moved on to "Big Mac/Whopper eating fatso" Too bad for him that I can read him like a book. A short book. With lots of pictures and very large print. % * shodan suddenly realises he has his headphones on, but hasn't been listening to anything since...well, about an hour ago . o O (No wonder everything sounded like it was in a tunnel) % *hic* *hic* *hic* * shodan grabs his diaphragm "Listen, you!" % What if the Hokey Pokey *IS* what it's all about? % This is to inform you that someone has compromised, or is improperly using, your resources. I am being attacked, as of 7:15PM EST, with attempts to break into my system. The source IDs of the attacks are: Name: reader4.news.rcn.net Address: 207.172.3.46 I'm jealous of such amusing reports, and yet relieved I don't get them % sometimes i wish i was rich so i could write articles about life. i wish i was rich so i didn't have to work if xach were a rich man if xach were a deep one tentacles! * BlueCamel . o O ( why did I think pr0n right then? ) % *** Tiggsy (tiger@shell1.darkwing.net) has joined #commies heya Meri erm Heya Tiggsy. * ducky waves the tiggsy *quack* *quack* * piraeus isn't entirely sure on having wife on channel She's been here before, many times. . o O (#commies, home of human-experiment protocols. we take no safety precautions and pass the savings on to you!) % chiba: She allows shmit in the house. I figure we can't really do any damage. =) true dat * piraeus nods meri She lets me play with her daughter Which should prolly get her kid taken away from her in any reasonable state % * badmonkey realizes he's talking in irc to somebody sitting next to him. i hate that % Dear NOC, I need to re-download the last set of emails. There were 81 of them. = Please tell me how, or send them to my email address again. Thanks, Jon Heh uuuuh Almost as funny as the subpoenas we sometimes get for divorce cases. "Please provide copies of all incoming and outgoing email correspondence relating to the user @rcn.com. Please also provide copies of all IRC, ICQ, and AIM chat sessions." lol bwahahahahha "Dear Moron: No. Love, RCN Abuse." % I got an email at domreg last year "Hello, I am an lan administorator. I am currently suffering port attack from a cracker on your system." when we read the email we all looked at each other and then i think it was Gurn said, "How's he know its a white guy?" * badmonkey writes back "Dear lan administorator: We are sympathetic to your dilemma, but due to your racist remarks, find ourself unable to help you." % * AB --> coffee --> construct huge amusement park empire yay! make the little people throw up! % * kurt email pages klatsky with the subject "FIX YOUR SHIT" . o O ( * klatsky -> p00ty ) . o O ( * kurt sends a followup page "NOT LITERALLY, YOU GOOBER!" ) % * shodan ponders making coffee * shodan -> . o O ( Elapsed pondering time: 0.2 seconds ) % kurt: rprov scripts don't wanna work on pos-srv800b; klatsky's gonna poke around at it a bit. shodan: ack . o O ( It's prolly not working 'cause he keeps poking at it; it'll never heal that way ) scab picking for fun and profit! . o O ( profit? ) L@@K! W@W! R@RE! SC@BS! % * AB --> construct amusement park empire --> crush the hopes and dreams of millions of children % * meri wonders where she can buy genoa salami around here . o O ( Have you tried Genoa Salami-R-Us? ) . o O ( Or Genola Salami Outlet might have some ) % harris teeter... i think that was a very bad name choice... i mean, people often use nicknames for stores.. what will they call it? Hary Teet? I always call it the Hairy Peter, but.... To each his own. It's better than Piggly Wiggly Which for years has been known to my family as "The Writhing Sow" 'Cause we're like that % The wolf that hunts the sun will swallow up the sun, the wolf which hunts the moon will devour the moon, brother will turn against brother, there will be a winter for three winters and three summers, and CBOSS STILL WILL SUCK. *pant* *pant* Um, did I mention I hate CBOSS? % I love it when AB gets into these quotespage-frenzy moods. I flip to a shell, hit ^Rwge ^Rdiff [read updates] ^Rmv you know you're getting quotes love when you can count on the last 'mv' you did still being quotes-related % * shodan reads a "You might be a newbie if..." webpage about multiplayer fragfest games * shodan can barely understand a word. . o O ( You might be a newbie if you're reading this and going "What the fuck?" ) % did you know the chorus of _Take On Me_ goes thru 4 octaves? i do, because I'VE BEEN ON HOLD FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THE FUCKING SONG % Christicles, I'm never doing that again. Damn fine campaign, but Jeebus, it's like the second you give someone a lace cravat and plastic fangs, their brains fall out the back of their heads. --Moochava, on the finer points of LARPing % ahh, the dentist... nothing like the combined joys of physical AND financial pain in one convenient location if only they showed videos of your mama being gang raped by midgets while they worked, they could add in mental pain and be a one stop torture shop % man wb is raunchy at night eliminadate and 5th wheel chicks getting nekkid cool no need to order hotel pr0n % I have begun to sweat profusely, and my legs keep twitching... I should switch from coffee to water now. but real coffee tastes so damn good. And I forget how boring decaf is. This feeling, it is good! I am awake! I am alive! I can smell Ava's spicy brains! you cannot have my spicy brains! they are still marinating! Foo. % 9th circuit court of appeals upholds the pledge ruling have to go to the supremes next if they want it overturned ? * DM doesn't have a clue what scromp is talking about s/what scromp is talking about// quite possibly DM: there was a case last year that found that the use of "under God" in the US Pledge of Allegiance (recited by schoolchildren every day) is unconstitutional those words were only added to it in 1954, in fact by the senate it got appealed, and they upheld it 15-9 right. this sounds like a good thing. I used to think it was a dumb thing to be worrying about right now.. but I'm reconsidering. Anything that distracts the fundies anymore is ok in my book. if they're frothing about the pledge then they're not pursuing some more dangerous agenda :) % * shodan finds a random coupon in his kitchen "Your ship's come in!" . o O ( Fuck! After all these years? Can I /never/ escape the Grebuloids? ) % i found a way to grow my own tentacles % [snip discussion of U.S. war against Iraq] CMD: All due respect, and this is not a flame, neither you nor I are competent to be second guessing a war plan we don't have the details on, one week in. TheDude: Maybe you guys are not competent to do so, but I have played enough computer strategy games to have a good handle on the situation. % * Murple ????s at CNN showing footage of a toilet apparantly some bathroom in a seized palace... but youd think they coulda found some more interesting footage "hey look, people in iraq shit and piss! thats gotta be newsworthy!" yeah, hmm, ive seen 3 different bathrooms in under 10 minutes on 2 channels. i think thats a sign to go to bed. % hate it when I sneeze and fart at once ... *SPLOOF* . o O (* caz experiences a loss of cabin pressure) % how the fuck do I dial an international number? Little buttons on the phone, I think. Or maybe ask someone else to do it for you. I'm going to shoot you until you're dead. % Wot ho, aargh? arrgv? pirate main(arrrgc, arrrrgv, ye_maties); % unfortunately, most of mine involve ice climbing and menstruation. uh mischan % http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3169435879&category=348 make your own Walken action figure ... What would be the point of such a thing? creeping out all of your G.I. Joe dolls? They're already creeped out enough when I set Barbie on fire. % * coyote certainly hasnt stuck a monitor in her ass % Oh. That's not as fun as squeezing an octopus. % woo. wax my tubes, baby, and shoot my buns. % ----------------------------------------------------------------------