85 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS ON BEING A MAN
- Dont call. EVER.
- If you dont like a girl, dont tell her. Its more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
- Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as Spike
- If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
- Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
- Be as ambiguous as possible. If you dont want to answer, a grunt will do.
- Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isnt your fault.
- Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
- Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- dont ask. People will think you have no penis.
- Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
- If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are
- TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
- Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
- One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what shes missing and love you for
not giving up on her.
- Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
- Dont wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up
- Deny everything. Everything.
- If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you.
(Probably all of them --- youre a man remember?) They really want to know.
- Dont have a clue.
- If you get a clue, pretend you didnt and disregard it.
- No means yes.
- Yes means no.
- If you dont get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most
- If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
- Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
- Feelings? What feelings?
- Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend its not true or kick their ass.
- Lie I tell you!!
- DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you
still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: Honey, will you take me
out for a romantic dinner? Answer: Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day.
- Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.
- At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure
you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
- Love is not in your vocabulary. dont even think about saying it.
- A general rule: If whatever youre doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, its really not worth it.
- Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
- Apologize whenever its expected. NEVER mean it.
- If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Dont.
- Try to have a good memory, but its OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriends b-day and eye
- Ignorance solves problems. If you cant see them, they cant see you.
- It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
- Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
- Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you dont know.
- Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you dont know.
- If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DONT STOP! This is the desired reaction.
- You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
- You are male, therefore you are superior.
- Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
- Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
- Dont ever notice anything.
- If youre going out with someone but you love someone else, dont say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out
with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
- Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
- Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
- If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically youve done nothing wrong.
- Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
- If the question begins with why, the answer is I dont know.
- Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
- Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
- Dont ever let anyone say I told you so. If you hear this phrase and it didnt come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
- If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this
takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted door spot and others will worship your skills.
- Other peoples pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
- If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge
favor youve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
- If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesnt want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still
doesnt talk to you, casually ask, is something wrong?
- Three words: Lets be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but its bad for my nice-guy image if you
are mad at me, so Ill pretend I want to be your friend.
- If youre on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms youve been laid in.
- Heres a good trick. Tell a girl that youre going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her
naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dads room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then
drive like hell. (true story.)
- If a girl breaks up with you because youre in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know,
SHEs the one who wanted to end the relationship.
- The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
- Default facial expression: blank stare.
- Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you
can pull it out of your ass.
- If you are asked to do something you REALLY DONT want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that
doesnt work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you dont know how to do it and
continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the
most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, SEE?? I TOLD you I couldnt do it. Eventually, people will stop
asking you to do things.
- Do not listen to pussy music such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
- Beer. Then more beer.
- One word: FOOTBALL!
- Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we dont want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do
- Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.