I still need to get my shoes resoled too... maybe this weekend. After I get my staples out tomorrow I'm going to start training my little heart out. Training, running, weight lifting, climbing, climbing and more climbing. I'd go to the local gym except for an incident that happened there a while ago... I still am not sure if I should go back in there :)

Before I sleep, I'm going to echo a few thoughts. First of all, I'm not really impressed with Jon Katz on slashdot, but a couple of his recent articles, and the responses to them, hit me hard. They can be seen here and here. They are about the colorado horrors. Now, I definately don't condone, approve, or in anyway agree with what those kids did, but I can see how they were driven to it. I was a loner in high school, I was picked on and made fun of and a lot of times going home at the end of the day was the happiest part of it. Trying not to be noticed too much, avoiding confrontation, avoiding eye contact and emotion are all part of daily life for a geek in high school. Hell, not even a geek but anyone who is different. A lot of the things that people have been saying I'm going to echo here.

High school is not real life. It has it's own social structure, it's own heirarchy of cliques. Like prision. And it's very hard to bring attention to wrongs that are done within the social structure to those on the outside.

High school ends. And I'm glad it did. I wasn't as abused as a lot of people seem to have been, and never got shoved in lockers, or beat up, but I was still traumatized nonetheless, and my years at high school has had a huge effect on the person I am today, for better or worse. But it does end. If you are a geek in HS eventually you'll go on to university or collge and be around people who appreciate you for YOU, and are mature, intelligent and don't make fun of you or resent you for your intelligence or way of dressing and acting. And where will your tormenters be? Flipping burgers or selling cars, and remembering back to their high school days and thinking they were the best they've ever had. Eventually we (the proud, the geek) will go on to change the world, and I know my best years are still ahead.

I am not saying that the Colorado murderers were not fucked in the head. Anyone who did what they did is. But I can see how they could do it. I thought about how good it would be to see Mike Page pressed up against a wall and begging for his life, instead of tormenting me. Or Dillon. Or Brandon. Or the other jocks. I'd never do it, don't get me wrong, but I certainly thought about it.

The way that teachers and those who run the educational institutions seem to be dealing with things (searching people who make threats, hassling those who wear trench coats, sending people to counciling etc), are SCREWED. Read my lips, persecuting the alienated is NOT the answer. These people feel persecuted alienated enough already, and this is not the answer. Those not in school don't understand what it is like inside. Hell, I don't remember, it's been a while (6 years or so), but I remember enough to know that this is not the way. Copycat's, hitler worship, violent video games, the internet, the evil internet, the porn, doom, quake, email, newsgroups. There is a lot that was wacked with these guys, but jumping on the net, and games is witch hunting. Geeks and outcasts use the net for communication and a feeling of community. On the net it doesn't matter that you are a pimply faced, bespecticaled loser, you could be the webmaster, a contributor to /., a programmer for a really cool mod or game. You can be anything. Cutting kids off of the net is not the answer.

Yes, the ones in colorado probably used the net to get information on bombs, guns, communicating their ideas etc, but hell, I've had the anarchist's handbook since my early days of bbsing 8 years ago. I get really angry when I hear that the net is where someone got the information on how to build bombs when someone blows up a school or building. Don't ask where they got the information (as anyone who is resourceful can find any information they want), ask why they used it.

Ok, enough ranting. Time for bed.

04/26/99

1:06am
Back from the Sun Run. Status: not terrible. I can think of better ways of spending my sunday morning though, instead of walking 10 km on purpose with about 30million other people.

Course, it's good for me or something right?

Anyway, bed now, back soon.

Oh, btw, sometimes you just have to succum to worship. I'm sure it'll pass though :-)

04/21/99

Back.
Alive.
Just don't make me laugh k? It hurts :)

04/18/99

Well, I've been assured my multiple sources that the gall bladder has nothing to do with peeing (that's the kidneys!). Also, regarding the sonic blasting of gallstones, I hear that the gallbladder is quite sensitive and that it would be ripped to shreds by the forces needed to blast the stones.

Well, tonight is my last night of email for a day or so, as I'm going under the knife tomorrow morning (insert spooky music here). I'm not worried though, the thing that concerns me more is the shaving of my belly. I'll have to find some sort of anti-nair to compensate for the lack of lower chest hair. Anyway, I'll not be around tomorrow but I shall get back to all email as soon as I'm mobile again. If you wish to phone me with good wishes, send money or supermodels, feel free <g>

04/17/99

Hmmm..... when I got in last night there was someone sleeping on the couch who I thought was Mark, a friend of roomies, but this morning, as I was getting ready for climbing, I see it is (or appears to be) a girl. Or maybe it's a girly looking guy? (roomies GF said that she was having a kid over whom she was taking to wrestling or something like that, and he (I thought it was a he) was going to stay overnight).

<shrug>

I don't care, I'm going climbing in 45 min or so :-)

Few min later
It is a girlish looking young guy who roomies GF (soon to be wife, but I'll explain that some other time) is taking to wrestling.

04/16/99

Well, today pretty much blew. However, I am going climbing tomorrow, and the doc called and got me a surgery appointment this monday (3 days instead of 3 weeks) which is much better than the april 22 or so date that was originally set. However when talking to a friend of mine tonight at the dance club I went to, she said that the gallbladder was needed to pee, and the doc clearly said that it was a "useless" part and was going to be removed. Not that peeing is something that I really enjoy, I do understand that it is an important part of staying alive, so I'd rather not lose that ability. Apparently there are sonic techniques to nuke the gallstones without cutting or anything, just cool jiggily tummy movements, too, I wonder if that is an option? Course, I have faith in the doctors, and I'm sure if they say it has to come out it has to come out.

I went to a dance club tonight with some friends, had a blast, and I didn't spend a cent. Drinking coke and water is free, or at least the bartenders figured that I should have it free (designated driver or something). I was a designated driver of course, but only for myself :-)

04/15/99

Wow, 2 days of updates in a row, wonder what's wrong with me...

Well, day 2 of my no-fat diet is going. Skim milk is kinda like milk without any life in it. Course, it doesn't send me into extreme pain either, which is a point on it's side. I have yet to get any new food though, that's to be done at lunch or after work today. No-fat yogurt, etc etc. I think that my meal of the day will be fruit. Fruit, fruit, rice, salads, and more fscking fruit. Oh well, I wanted to get in shape anyway, this is just a good way of doing it. Kind of a good motivator though, either eat well or get sick and wish for death :-)

Soon, soon oh soon the new ufies.org server will be in. Just need to get time off work to head to the server farm for paralynx to install it. Maybe this weekend....

04/14/99

Well, yesturday was, well, a hell of a day. Instead of writing it all out again, this is a cut'n'paste from an email I wrote regarding my adventures.

So I run myself to the emergency, and wait at least 30 min for them to finally get to calling me in (this included me in the washroom bent over in pain and sweating like a pig and basically praying for death from the fact my stomach was clenched tighter than .... well really tight). Then I got to get into the hospital gown shown a bed, told to pee in a cup (really hard when I just went, the guy gave me incentive by saying it takes an hour to get the tests back). After that I got blood taken, and after extended periods of waiting, there was an ultrasound. A very interesting procedure (to me anyway), being having my stomach exposed, slathered with goop, and having some woman who didn't talk much prod me with the thingy.

At one point the pain was so bad I asked for something for it and was given morphine and an IV drip. Wow that stuff is interesting. I've never had it or any other pain killers other than asprin or something before, so suddenly my body kinda started getting tingly, and I had to remember how to breath (well, I had seen a guy who just got an IV pass out in front of me so I was just making sure I didn't do the same). The pain started to fade a little and the next thing I knew I was dozing and feeling fine. I'd describe it as numb but I just didn't feel numb so much as normal, no pain you know.

Having the morphine kinda sucked in a way because not long after someone *finally* came to ask me how I was (a doctor type person) and it is really hard to give an accurate report when nothing hurts anymore and you're dozing in and out. The ultrasound was painless though (this happened a little before that), she didn't have to worry about poking or prodding me to hard :)

Anyway, after another LONG wait, one of the 5 or so people who'd looked poked or prodded me during the day came and told me I had gallstones, and my gallbladder had to come out! (this is a funny coincadance because in the waiting room one of the readers digest had an article on '8 signs you shouldn't dismiss' and there was one for stomach pain, and it being gallstones or something.. at the time I just though "gee wouldn't it be funny if that was what I had").

So in 4-6 weeks I get to go into the hospital to have my gallbladder removed. It's a come-in-morning-leave-next-morning operation, with no lasting effects or anything, except the lack of a bit of me (the first peice I've lost). This will NOT affect our plans for next month (no way in hell!) so be reassured (if you were worried).

So now I'm restricted off of fat in any form which isn't that bad, as I was trying to eat better. But what the heck is out there without fat? Salad? without dressing? Bleah. I'm going to have to figure out what to do for food the next few weeks.

So anyway, got home, left a message with work to tell Dana the reason I didn't do any work all day, and my parents to let them know what was going on.

alan (no longer in pain) bailward