08/17/99

2:44am

Geek self doubt comes when you have to do something you know you need
to do but are petrified of the consequences. Scared that you’re not
good enough to come out the winner on the other end. Scared shitless
that when you rip your heart out and put it on the table for someone
to look at they are going to scoff or mock and walk away. Scared that
you might have made a mistake and now you are in the middle of
something you have no idea how to deal with and no idea what the
results will be at the end of the day. No clue as to what life will
bring now that your guts are exposed. Wondering if tomorrow will be
the same as yesturday, and what of the day after tomorrow. And after
that. What of those around you? Geeks are some of the gentlest
people I think and we don’t want to hurt anyone. Sometimes we do.
Sometimes it’s from not knowing how to deal with things. We don’t
want to do it, we don’t want to have it on our minds and consciences
but we also know what is right. Back in high school we found that
computers didn’t judge or question or have feelings that could be hurt
(cause god knows I’ve wanted to hurt my computers feelings enough
times) or things that need to be done. Binary. 1 or 0. Right or
Wrong. Black or White. So much easier to deal with than people, with
their feelings and emotions and wants and needs and things that made
less sense than 1 or 0. So we dealt with the computers, wriggled our
ways into their innards, found how they worked, found how to make them
do what we needed them to do, found that when they did something wrong
it was our fault, our code. So we went back and tried again. And
again. Till the code ran properly. And maybe in this time when we
were figuring out how to make the computers work properly we missed
out on how to deal with people. Missed some of the rights and wrongs
and things to day and not say and things to get intense about or not.
So now we’re all grown up, still able to make that code run but also
missing some of the training we need. Some of us are worse than
others. Some of us will hurt, and get hurt, and cry and weep and sob
and then stand back up and go back at it. Because despite the doubt
and despite the lack of training we are good people. You and you and
you, all of you. I know you all. Geek self doubt runs from the
school hallways to the cafeteria. The office buildling to the small
basement office. Not online. Online there’s no face to see contort,
no voice to hear choke up. Online we are safe. Safe from the pain
and self doubt behind a wall of electrons. Knowing that no matter
what goes on in the universe of the Internet we are still safe behind
the moniter, and that the world outside isn’t real, and can’t hurt
us. Knowing we can code or chat all night and turn it all off at
anytime at the touch of a button. Forgetting that sometimes there are
real people that are affected by our so called Geek Self Doubt.
Forgetting that even though we’re hidden away other people can and do
get hurt by the choices we make. And not always having the tools to
fix what we’ve broken. Self doubt is when you don’t think you’re good
enough. The code says you are. The profiler says you are, but you’re
not ready to go out into the Real World and ask, because you’re
petrified about the answer. And some day you do. And somtimes the
answer is good, and sometimes the answer is bad. And no matter what
that answer is. Not matter what, we have to keep
fighting. Fighting for love or power or position or stature.
Fighting because no matter how many times we’ve been kicked in the
proverbial nuts and fallen to the ground, and no matter how much duct
tape you’ve wrapped around your heart, you still have to go on living,
because we are good people. Because the world needs us to go
on no matter what. Sometimes we fuck up completely and we have to try
to fix things and sometimes we can and sometimes we can’t. Sometimes
we would rather take the blames of the world on our own shoulders than
hurt other people. Sometimes it’s too late for that and all we can
do. Despite our doubts of how things will go in the universe, and who
will hate us and who will love us. All we can do is try our best to
survive.

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